We just read Romeo and Juliet in school and I felt like ruining one of the most iconic love stories of all time...Ninja Giraffe helped, and I stole some of quotes...but anyway, this is the real way Romeo and Juliet ended.
Before unsheathing his sword Romeo stopped and looked closely at the face of the man who stood before him. He quickly identified him as the County Paris. He must have seen him a thousand times before. He was so handsome, so strong, so much better than Juliet...but come to think of it, Paris was engaged to Juliet, wasn't he?
"Oh Paris, Paris, wherefore art thou Paris?" Romeo whined, bitching about yet another aspect of his life.
"Umm...I'm right here." Paris answered, looking around himself in a very confused manner. This Romeo was even weirder when you were having a conversation with him. But there was something about him...Paris could easily see why Juliet would rather marry Romeo than himself.
"No no no." Romeo sighed, annoyed that the dramatic flair his statement had held was completely ruined. "Wherefore means why. Why are you Paris, not where are you Paris." Romeo explained to the still-confused Paris.
"Are you high?" Paris asked rather seriously, examining Romeo's face for any signs of drug usage.
"Yes." Romeo answered, abandoning any minor attempts at subtlety. "I'm high on love." he finished, practically swooning as he stared intently at Paris.
"Who are you in love with?" Paris asked. (his parents were second cousins.)
"You, you dumbass." Romeo answered, exasperated with Paris' (oddly endearing) thickness.
"Ooh!" Paris replied, a look of understanding crossing his face. "I get it." he continued, a look of extreme pride on his face.
"Aaaaand?" Romeo prompted him to continue.
"Let me just dump these flowers on Juliet, and we'll get the he'll out of here 'kay?"
Romeo's only answer was a large smile, and he practically skipped down the stairs to the tomb behind Paris.
Once they reached the bottom of the stairs Paris walked up to Juliet's body, and all but threw the flowers on her face. As he was turning around to go Juliet sat up, yawning, and called out to Romeo.
Romeo turned around slowly, wincing as he did. Juliet was looking at him with adoration, as he stood in the vault awkwardly. "Well this complicates things..." he mumbled to himself, wringing his hands.
"Well there's no easy way to say this..." Romeo started, hesitantly.
"I'm running away with your husband." Paris called over his shoulder as he ascended the stairs. "Later!"
"Well then what am I supposed to do?" Juliet asked, horror apparent on her face.
"Umm..." Romeo stalled, searching through his pockets. "Here's some poison!" he exclaimed, tossing her the vial as he ran up the stairs, without a word of goodbye.
And thus the scene is set for when a very confused friar arrives, to find Juliet actually dead in the Capulet vault, and Romeo and Paris making out in the churchyard.