CHAPTER ONE OF COUNTRY FRIED FINAL FANTASY (the first 15 minutes)
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Announcer 1 (Irvine, who is hiding in the balcony): Welcome, To Country Fried Final Fantasy. Now, most people think that the show is run by the host. And they also think that the host is a smart guy. Well, I'll tell you right now that THIS host is completely oblivious to what's going on right now. I'll tell you about that later, but right now we're gonna tell you about—
Announcer 2 (Raymond, who is hiding beside Irvine): SPIDER!
Announcer 1: WHAT!? AUGH! SPIDER! SPIDER!
(there's a loud crash as them and all of their equipment fall out of the balcony. There's applause from the audience, as most people would be very glad to see those to fall. This is mistaken for applause for Kiros, the host, who just now entered the room)
Kiros: Welcome to the opening episode of Country Fried Final Fantasy. This is the show where you send in your funny videos and we play them for you. IT would appear that Irvine is gone, so perhaps there won't be any fires or sex-changes this time, so let's get started! We've go a whole new line up, and this following one is a segment of a play.
-video-
"I can't do this anymore!" a man yells. "You're on your own!" He stomps off stage, leaving Selphie alone.
She stands there a minute before turning to the audience. She throws up her arms and roars: "You will all obey me! OBEY! OBEY OBEY! MUHAHAHAHAH—" A rock is thrown from somewhere in the audience and hits her in the head. She falls to the floor moaning. "Ow . . . JERK!"
-end video-
Kiros: Well, that was . . . um . . . interesting. Here's one that may disturb you a little bit . . .
-video (in play format)-
(Yuffie had the video camera. She's following Vincent around, harassing him . . . as usual.)
Yuffie: Please?
Vincent: No. Go away.
Yuffie: Just once?
Vincent: Leave me alone. (Yuffie makes noises like she's going to cry) Hey hey hey. Geeze, okay. But only once.
Yuffie: YAY!
(there's complete silence, then Vincent suddenly starts laughing this really high pitched giggle, while jumping up and down. Yuffie bursts into laughter)
Vincent: There, you happy?
Yuffie: Yup. Thanks, Vince. This is going to make me rich.
Vincent: How is this gonna… wait . . . no! (the camera goes off)
-end video-
Kiros: Disturbed yet? Anyway, this next one was sent in by my good friend Ward Zabac…I get the feeling that Irvine is involved somehow . . .
-video-
Irvine is standing on one end of a shovel that is lying across the ground. The other end is over a hole. He's drinking Pepsi and obviously knows that the camera is there, probably trying to make a commercial he can sell or something. Suddenly, you hear "BONZAI!" And Raymond comes running into view. HE tries to jump over the hole, but instead hits the shovel, making the end that Irvine was standing flip up and sending the cowboy flying through the air. The last thing you here before the camera is turned off is "oops. Sorry!"
-end video-
Kiros: I knew it. And Irvine and Raymond have asked me to tell you that they plan on getting their own show this next week. It'll be called the IRVINE AND RAYMOND SHOW THAT THEY DO STUPID STUFF ON . . . or at least that's what it should be. Any-hoo, keep an eye open for that. This next clip was sent in by Seifer . . . Lord knows what the f(bleep) could be on this!
-video-
It would appear to be the inside of an elevator. Laguna and Squall are leaning against opposite sides of a wall. Suddenly, Laguna starts singing, "Are you feeling fiiiiiiiiinnne-"
"NO." Squall interrupts and gives his father the evil eye.
"I wasn't asking you," Laguna retorts.
"Who the hell else is in this elevator!?"
"For your information, I was singing."
"Whatever." They lapse into silence again. Then Laguna begins reading a sheet of paper he found in his pocket. "What's that?"
Laguna shows the list to Squall. "I found it on the Internet."
"23 annoying things to do in an elevator??" Squall reads the list. Laguna smiles evilly. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
-end video-
Kiros: That figures. Always the worst for Squall, isn't it? Well, we have only one more clip before we go to commercial, and this one was sent in by the Dumb Duo themselves…for those of you who have been living under a rock these last YEARS…that would be Irvine and Raymond.
-video-
Laguna is filming. There's some party going on because wherever the camera looks, there are people drinking and dancing with lampshades on their heads…as well as other accessories. Laguna batters his way through the crowd, from the way the view is swerving around, it would seem that Laguna is drunk too. Eventually he finds himself in another room with Kiros. Who is wearing no shirt (not that he wears much of one anyway) and has a Barney lampshade on his head.
"Hey," Laguna says. "Don't hurt that thing, it's Squall's."
Kiros laughs . . . which soon turns into a low giggle. Then he begins belly dancing. He laughs harder as Laguna tries to make him stop. The black man grabs the camera away and shoves it in his mouth before . . .
-video still going on as Kiros talks-
Kiros: What the F(bleep)ing hell is going on!? Stop it! Turn it off!
Guy from Backstage: We can't! It's going to run for another three minutes!
Kiros: F(bleep)! JUST GO TO COMMERCIAL THEN!!
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Do you have a video that you think is Country Fried? Then send it on in, and you could win!
Seriously, give me some ideas.