Chapter One: Rearview

"Sofia, it's getting late. You know how you don't like mornings when you don't get enough sleep" Arizona called down the hallway towards Sofia's playroom. Remembering how her daughter takes after her other mother where sleep is concerned.

"But, Mommy? I want to see Mama. I miss her" Sofia says softly upon entering the living room. Arizona dropped the laundry she was folding.

"I know you do, Baby. Its my turn to have you right now though. Remember how I told you that you would be staying with me more now than with Mama? Arizona did not like where this conversation was headed. She had in fact had a similar conversation with her daughter on a number of occasions. Arizona knew Sofia had recognised the change in circumstances since the court hearing, but she couldn't bring herself to tell Sofia that her Mama was moving away and wouldn't just be a phone call away anymore. The thought of that conversation drawing nearer everyday left Arizona feeling like she had been punched in the stomach.

"Why do you look say, Mommy?" Sofia's question snapped Arizona right out of her thoughts.

"Just tired, baby girl" was all Arizona could muster up. She hated lying to her daughter but right now, it was better than the alternative. Sofia was at that age where she picked up on peoples emotions and body language. It broke Arizona's heart to see Sofia upset and missing her Mama.

"Are you tired because you miss Mama too, Mommy?" Sofia questioned with such innocence.

"W-what? What do you mean, Sofia?" Arizona wished she hadn't questioned her daughter when she heard her answer.

"You look sad like I do, Mommy. I'm tired too because I miss Mama" Sofia explained climbing into Arizona's lap. "I can't close my eyes because I miss Mama" she continued.

"Oh, Baby. Why can't you close your eyes? Mama would be sad if she knew her baby girl was tired" Arizona whispered, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in her eyes. She knew exactly how Sofia felt.

"Mama always came to give me kisses and hugs when she came home. So I keep my eyes open to wait for her" Sofia said without looking up from the ribbon she was playing with in her hands.

"Sof, Mama goes to a different house now, remember? with Penny? You go by all of the time" Arizona was trying desperately to keep the lump on her throat at bay. She could feel the burning sensation begin to heighten.

"I know, Mommy, but I want Mama to come to this house with me and you. We can make chocolate chip pancakes like we always did. Mmm I miss pancakes" Sofia sighed.

Quickly trying to avoid anymore of this conversation and trying to avoid questions from Sofia as to why her Mommy was crying, Arizona quickly replied "Hey, Baby girl, how about we make pancakes in the morning before school? They will be awesome, but only if you help me to make them".

"Yes Mommy, can we please?" Sofia perked up in excitement.

"Of course we can, but Sof, first you need to sleep. Can you do that for Mommy?" Arizona smiled down to her daughter when she heard a loud "Yup" followed by a nod of Sofia's head and a huge smile.

—

After Sofia was tucked away in bed and Arizona had put her mind to rest, she headed out to the kitchen. Taking a deep breath she walked over to the cabinet and took out a large wine glass. She hated this. She hated the quiet. Ever since Callie had walked out of the therapy office, she hated being alone. Being alone meant thinking, and more often than not, tears.

Ever since Med school, she had enjoyed alone time, and the peace and quiet that came with it. Sure, she had friends and enjoyed coffee or the occasional night out at a bar with her friends, but she much preferred to be alone with her work or a romantic book. Growing up with the Marine way of life meant she was alone a lot of the time. All of the moving around meant she didn't always get the chance to make friends. Once her brother had died, she moved to seattle and continued to enjoy her alone time, mainly because she was so busy at the hospital that she didn't have time to be out and about the city. Then, one night, she walked into a bathroom in a bar and her life changed forever. Quiet disappeared without her even realising it. Instead, she spent the next number of years anything but alone. A certain dark haired beauty had came into her life and turned her world upside down, for the better. She would never change or regret anything that had happened in her life, including the amputation that threatened her marriage a while ago now. Yes, she was bitter, angry and hurt, but that was all in the past. She had moved forward with her life, with Callie and Sofia and everything was slowly becoming awesome again.

"Everything happens for a reason" she mumbled to herself . No! Everything does not happen for a reason! she thought to herself. Frowning to herself, she thought about Lauren Boswell. The woman who helped to ruin her life. That! That should never of happened, for any reason at all. Shaking her head and closing her eyes, as tears threatened to fall. No. No, I'm not going to do this tonight. Im not going to cry. It was all she could think about to get the image of Callie's devastated look out of her eyes.

Suddenly feeling the cool air from the open kitchen window brush across her neck, Arizona brought herself back to the room. Realising she was still stood in the same place with an empty glass, she sighed to herself and opened a bottle of her favourite white wine. Leaning forward she closes the kitchen window before taking her glass and moving to the couch. It seems so big when she sits on it alone. Making sure her crutches are close by, she removes her prosthetic leg and places it to the side of the coffee table. Noticing the control from the docking station sitting in front of her, she picks it up and hits the power and play button.

It's easy in the day but harder in the night

I thought I felt the pain but hadn't fought this fight

You woke up next to me and then we said goodbye

And now its settled in that something wasn't right

Arizona lay her head back against the couch whilst clutching her glass of wine. Looking up to the ceiling she sarcastically laughed to herself as she listened to the words, as if they'd been written for her.

Now I can only see you in my rearview

So where did you go, where did you go

I ruined our sweet tune

But how could I know, how could I know

Once we were two dancing souls

Now all thats left is skulls and bones

But I can only see my future

In my rearview

Lifting her head up, she felt hot tears escape her eyes and begin to run down her face. This was becoming a common occurrence of an evening. She had told herself she was happy for Callie. She had told herself Penny was great and that she wanted her and Callie to have all the happiness in the world. She was lying to herself. She kept herself to herself at the hospital and didn't show any emotions where Callie was concerned. The only person who knew she went home and cried every night was herself. She didn't want to let anyone in or talk to anyone, and so instead, she suffered alone, at home. She avoided speaking to anyone mainly because she didn't want it getting back to Callie that really, Arizona truly was a mess without her. Arizona knew how much the hospital loved to gossip and she promised herself that she would not become the talk of Grey Sloan Memorial like she had so many times in the past.

Snapping herself out of her thoughts once again, she gulped down the remainder of her wine and placed the glass on the coffee table. Picking up her crutches and standing, she tried to steady herself both physically and emotionally. She headed out of the living room, flicking the light off behind her, and made her way to the bedroom. Like the usual night time routine her life had become, she closed her bedroom door and proceeded to take part in another night of damp pillows and muffled cries.