[Author's note: Let's not kid ourselves, none of us can write as well
as Rowling, I Know I don't have the ability to write the perfect ending
for the Harry Potter saga but I've done the next best thing. I believe
I've come up with the worst possible way to end it. I challenge anyone
to come up with a last page of book 7 that is more disappointing, more
artless, more joy destroying, more stupid, than this. If Rowling were
to actually write something of this sort she would be hunted down and
lynched by an angry mob of torch wielding fans. And I'd be happy to
bring the rope.]
The applause every student and teacher at Hogwarts was giving Harry for
his heroic defeat of Voldemort seemed like it would never end. Draco
Malfoy shook his hand and sincerely begged to be forgiven for all the
terrible things he said about him. There were tears in the eyes of
Snape as he hugged Harry like a brother. Dumbledore beamed at him with
benevolence, put his hand on Harry's shoulder and said "We're all very
proud of your heroism Harry in defeating the Dark Lord single handed
but now that you've graduated there is one more thing you need to do
get up you lazy stupid brat! Why can't you be more like Dudly, he's
such a sweet boy."
"What?" said Harry groggily as he looked around. He was in the
Durseley's tiny closet under the stairs. "You heard me, wake up!"
bellowed Uncle Vernon "You can't be late for your first day at work at
the toothpaste factory. I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy all the time,
you've graduated now and your freeloading days are over, you're going
to have to start pulling your weight around here. And no breakfast
today, Dudly's on a diet." Harry got up, he wished it was real, he
wished he really was a wizard, but he knew there was nothing special
about him except that he was the only one at school who got picked on
every day for having such a silly looking scar.
THE END
[Author's note: Too grim? Well ok, I'll tack on a happy ending.]
Harry was working on the assembly line, doing what he always did,
putting 41 caps on 41 tubes of toothpaste for every minute of his 8
hour shift, when the idea occurred to him. He may not be a wizard but
it's not everyone who can have a dream that detailed. Maybe he should
write it all down, maybe he should write a book, maybe he could even
sell a copy or two. But on further reflection he concluded that nobody
would want to read such nonsense. Besides in 6 or 7 years he hoped to
work his way up to 48 caps a minute and then he'd get a 2% raise, even
better, when he was 65 the company would give him a solid gold
toothpaste cap. With that happy thought Harry decided to concentrate on
his lifelong career. But he did wish his fellow workers would stop
teasing him about his scar.
THE END
[Author's note: Well that didn't help much did it, UGLY. So what would
make a good ending? As I said I'm no Rowling but I can roughly outline
a direction I think would be interesting for the series to take, at
least it sucks less than the previous two]
It's just too much for any 14 year old boy, after Harry's friend is
murdered right before his eyes, after being threatened with death and
stabbed, after being tied to a tombstone and tortured so horribly he
wishes for death as a release, poor Harry is suffering from post
traumatic stress disorder. Harry is like a shell shocked soldier at the
start of book 5. A month after his hideous encounter with the dark lord
he's at the heartless Durseleys and he's having nightmares, his hand
shakes, he's lost a lot weight, he isn't sleeping or eating well and he
just doesn't look good. His friends are worried about him so he spends
the last month of the vacation with Ron and Hermione at the Weasleys
home. He regains his health and starts to cheer up largely because of
Ginny Weasley, Harry falls in love with Ron's sister.
In book 7 as soon as Ginny graduates from Hogwarts there is a big
double wedding, Harry marries Ginny and Ron marries Hermione. Yes it's
a bit young but by this time Harry is smart enough to know that if he
ever wants to get married he'd better do it soon, he knows his chances
of living to a ripe old age are slim, very slim. And in the wizard
world you're an adult at 17. Both Harry and Ginny have graduated from
Hogwarts when they marry, Ginny is almost 18 and Harry is almost 19.
Harry is happier then he's ever been in his life.
Just one month after his marriage to Ginny Harry finds Voldemort and
has a duel one on one with him. After a titanic struggle he kills
Voldemort at last, but in the process is bitten by his snake. Harry
knows that even Phoenix tears can't cure him this time. Ron Hermione
and Ginny rush to his side and Harry says something, but because his
voice was so weak there is controversy and disagreement over exactly
what he said. And then Harry Potter dies, it's his nineteenth birthday.
Dumbledore saw this coming as soon as he heard near the end of book 4
that Voldemort had used Harry's blood in the potion that gave him a
body, that's why the mixture of triumph and despair (or was it guilt?)
flashed across his face, he knew it was possible to defeat Voldemort
but he also knew it would mean Harry's death.
On the last page of the last book it's exactly one year later. Ginny
can hear the sounds of celebration in the distance, it's Potter day, a
time for wizards all over the world to honor the memory of a hero. She
looks down into the brilliant green eyes of her infant son cradled in
her arms and kisses Harry Potter on the forehead. She sees no scar.
THE END
LETTERS TO THE DAILY PROFIT
Dear Editor
I note that in the pages of The Daily Profit there is much speculation
and disagreement over exactly what Harry Potter's last words were. From
his first year at Hogwarts Mr. Potter always thought of me as a second
father, so nothing would please me more than to inflate his already
legendary status even more by confirming some of the profound and
moving dying words attributed to him. However I feel it is my duty to
history to set the record straight. I was as close to Mr. Potter as
anyone when he expired and although his voice was weak I could
understand him well enough and I can tell you that Harry Potter said
absolutely nothing of the slightest importance, he just said goodbye.
Professor Severus Snape
Dear Editor
I was dismayed but not particularly surprised to learn from professor
Snape's contemptuous letter that even death will not end his vendetta
against Harry, after all he hated Harry's father too. I have personally
witnessed cruelty and gross unfairness directed at Harry by professor
Snape on countless occasions. Far from being a "second father" I feel
certain there is no one at Hogwarts he detested more. And he was not
as near to Harry when he died as he would have people believe. I
treasure Harry's last words but they were private, meant only for his
wife, my husband and myself. I will never reveal what he said to
anybody and certainly not to a rag like the Daily Profit.
Hermione Weasley
Dear Editor
I've just read Snape's stupid letter and that bit about being a second
father to Harry made me want to vomit. Harry hated your guts Snape but
not as much as you hated him. You are so full of [expletive deleted],
Harry's friends wouldn't let you get anywhere near him, there is no way
the last thing that Harry ever saw was going to be your ugly greasy
[expletive deleted] face! There was just no way we were going to let
that happen. And what Harry said is none of your [expletive deleted]
business so go [expletive deleted] yourself and the horse you road in
on!
Ronald Weasley
Dear Editor
I will be glad to discuss this private matter in public just as soon as
hell freezes over. Until then I'll just say it is my greatest wish that
my son enter Hogwarts as soon as he's old enough, but if Severus Snape
is still employed at that institution I'd be forced to send him to one
of the very good foreign schools of wizardry in Japan or America.
Ginny Potter
as Rowling, I Know I don't have the ability to write the perfect ending
for the Harry Potter saga but I've done the next best thing. I believe
I've come up with the worst possible way to end it. I challenge anyone
to come up with a last page of book 7 that is more disappointing, more
artless, more joy destroying, more stupid, than this. If Rowling were
to actually write something of this sort she would be hunted down and
lynched by an angry mob of torch wielding fans. And I'd be happy to
bring the rope.]
The applause every student and teacher at Hogwarts was giving Harry for
his heroic defeat of Voldemort seemed like it would never end. Draco
Malfoy shook his hand and sincerely begged to be forgiven for all the
terrible things he said about him. There were tears in the eyes of
Snape as he hugged Harry like a brother. Dumbledore beamed at him with
benevolence, put his hand on Harry's shoulder and said "We're all very
proud of your heroism Harry in defeating the Dark Lord single handed
but now that you've graduated there is one more thing you need to do
get up you lazy stupid brat! Why can't you be more like Dudly, he's
such a sweet boy."
"What?" said Harry groggily as he looked around. He was in the
Durseley's tiny closet under the stairs. "You heard me, wake up!"
bellowed Uncle Vernon "You can't be late for your first day at work at
the toothpaste factory. I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy all the time,
you've graduated now and your freeloading days are over, you're going
to have to start pulling your weight around here. And no breakfast
today, Dudly's on a diet." Harry got up, he wished it was real, he
wished he really was a wizard, but he knew there was nothing special
about him except that he was the only one at school who got picked on
every day for having such a silly looking scar.
THE END
[Author's note: Too grim? Well ok, I'll tack on a happy ending.]
Harry was working on the assembly line, doing what he always did,
putting 41 caps on 41 tubes of toothpaste for every minute of his 8
hour shift, when the idea occurred to him. He may not be a wizard but
it's not everyone who can have a dream that detailed. Maybe he should
write it all down, maybe he should write a book, maybe he could even
sell a copy or two. But on further reflection he concluded that nobody
would want to read such nonsense. Besides in 6 or 7 years he hoped to
work his way up to 48 caps a minute and then he'd get a 2% raise, even
better, when he was 65 the company would give him a solid gold
toothpaste cap. With that happy thought Harry decided to concentrate on
his lifelong career. But he did wish his fellow workers would stop
teasing him about his scar.
THE END
[Author's note: Well that didn't help much did it, UGLY. So what would
make a good ending? As I said I'm no Rowling but I can roughly outline
a direction I think would be interesting for the series to take, at
least it sucks less than the previous two]
It's just too much for any 14 year old boy, after Harry's friend is
murdered right before his eyes, after being threatened with death and
stabbed, after being tied to a tombstone and tortured so horribly he
wishes for death as a release, poor Harry is suffering from post
traumatic stress disorder. Harry is like a shell shocked soldier at the
start of book 5. A month after his hideous encounter with the dark lord
he's at the heartless Durseleys and he's having nightmares, his hand
shakes, he's lost a lot weight, he isn't sleeping or eating well and he
just doesn't look good. His friends are worried about him so he spends
the last month of the vacation with Ron and Hermione at the Weasleys
home. He regains his health and starts to cheer up largely because of
Ginny Weasley, Harry falls in love with Ron's sister.
In book 7 as soon as Ginny graduates from Hogwarts there is a big
double wedding, Harry marries Ginny and Ron marries Hermione. Yes it's
a bit young but by this time Harry is smart enough to know that if he
ever wants to get married he'd better do it soon, he knows his chances
of living to a ripe old age are slim, very slim. And in the wizard
world you're an adult at 17. Both Harry and Ginny have graduated from
Hogwarts when they marry, Ginny is almost 18 and Harry is almost 19.
Harry is happier then he's ever been in his life.
Just one month after his marriage to Ginny Harry finds Voldemort and
has a duel one on one with him. After a titanic struggle he kills
Voldemort at last, but in the process is bitten by his snake. Harry
knows that even Phoenix tears can't cure him this time. Ron Hermione
and Ginny rush to his side and Harry says something, but because his
voice was so weak there is controversy and disagreement over exactly
what he said. And then Harry Potter dies, it's his nineteenth birthday.
Dumbledore saw this coming as soon as he heard near the end of book 4
that Voldemort had used Harry's blood in the potion that gave him a
body, that's why the mixture of triumph and despair (or was it guilt?)
flashed across his face, he knew it was possible to defeat Voldemort
but he also knew it would mean Harry's death.
On the last page of the last book it's exactly one year later. Ginny
can hear the sounds of celebration in the distance, it's Potter day, a
time for wizards all over the world to honor the memory of a hero. She
looks down into the brilliant green eyes of her infant son cradled in
her arms and kisses Harry Potter on the forehead. She sees no scar.
THE END
LETTERS TO THE DAILY PROFIT
Dear Editor
I note that in the pages of The Daily Profit there is much speculation
and disagreement over exactly what Harry Potter's last words were. From
his first year at Hogwarts Mr. Potter always thought of me as a second
father, so nothing would please me more than to inflate his already
legendary status even more by confirming some of the profound and
moving dying words attributed to him. However I feel it is my duty to
history to set the record straight. I was as close to Mr. Potter as
anyone when he expired and although his voice was weak I could
understand him well enough and I can tell you that Harry Potter said
absolutely nothing of the slightest importance, he just said goodbye.
Professor Severus Snape
Dear Editor
I was dismayed but not particularly surprised to learn from professor
Snape's contemptuous letter that even death will not end his vendetta
against Harry, after all he hated Harry's father too. I have personally
witnessed cruelty and gross unfairness directed at Harry by professor
Snape on countless occasions. Far from being a "second father" I feel
certain there is no one at Hogwarts he detested more. And he was not
as near to Harry when he died as he would have people believe. I
treasure Harry's last words but they were private, meant only for his
wife, my husband and myself. I will never reveal what he said to
anybody and certainly not to a rag like the Daily Profit.
Hermione Weasley
Dear Editor
I've just read Snape's stupid letter and that bit about being a second
father to Harry made me want to vomit. Harry hated your guts Snape but
not as much as you hated him. You are so full of [expletive deleted],
Harry's friends wouldn't let you get anywhere near him, there is no way
the last thing that Harry ever saw was going to be your ugly greasy
[expletive deleted] face! There was just no way we were going to let
that happen. And what Harry said is none of your [expletive deleted]
business so go [expletive deleted] yourself and the horse you road in
on!
Ronald Weasley
Dear Editor
I will be glad to discuss this private matter in public just as soon as
hell freezes over. Until then I'll just say it is my greatest wish that
my son enter Hogwarts as soon as he's old enough, but if Severus Snape
is still employed at that institution I'd be forced to send him to one
of the very good foreign schools of wizardry in Japan or America.
Ginny Potter