I sigh as I sit down on the edge of my bed to remove my boots. Elspeth was in one of her moods again today. One of those strange moods when she is distant, as though watching us from within a glass box; yet immersing herself in the life of Obernewtyn with an intense, frenzied energy. I smile slightly at that thought. Most people see her as cold and remote, yet I know that in truth she is so passionate that, unrestrained, her feelings would consume her. My forehead creases in a worried frown as I climb into bed. Her moods are coming more and more often now, and contain a sense of desperation, as though she is trying to do everything, remember everything, before it is too late. A chill sense of foreboding runs a shiver down my spine. No. I push the feeling firmly way and close my eyes. I am letting her mood get to me. She will be over it again in the morning, and all will be well.
I storm down to the stables, enraged at what I have learnt. Just outside the doors, Elspeth is fastening the last of a set of saddlebags to Gahltha's back. "Elspeth," I bark. "So, Javo was telling the truth when he said you were preparing for a long journey. You know the restrictions on Guildmistresses and masters travelling, not to mention the usual expedition rules. Why was guildmerge not consulted?"
She finishes buckling a strap then turns to face me, chin lifted defiantly. "My journey is of a private nature and no concern of guildmerge's." Or your's. She does not say it, but the words hang in the air between us.
I glare at her, frantically trying to think of a reason to forbid the journey, or at least delay it. "Your Guildmistress armband. You're not wearing it."
She looks at me perplexedly. "No, it is with Ceirwan."
"Why does he have it?"
"I gave it to him. He knows what must be done." There is a finality to her words, increasing my sense of foreboding.
"You've never left it behind on past expeditions." It is almost an accusation.
"No, but this time I cannot take it." Her voice is calm, steady. "It is time I gave it up."
"But the position of Guildmistress is for life, or at least requires a full guildmerge." I am clutching at straws, refusing to see where this conversation is heading. I do not want to understand.
"Yes. I made sure you were unavailable at the time. I knew that you would try to stop me." What is she saying? No. She can't mean that; it can't be...
"That first winter, when you gave Daffyd your armband, I thought, we all thought..."
"Yes." One word. One word, when we thought she was dead.
"But you survived, you came back." Obernewtyn was saved. I was saved.
"Yes." That word again. Hope flares, maybe she will return again. Then I look into her eyes and I see the truth. Such miracles only happen once.
I remember back to that winter, our first after defeating Alexi and Madam Vega. The remains of the expedition to the ruins had come back through the pass bearing Dragon and the warning, and Elspeth's golden armband. Never do I want to live through another winter like that. Desperately trying to hold the newly formed community together and prepare for the soldierguards, while she was gone and I was dying inside. Every time she leaves on another expedition, another adventure, my heart breaks a little more as I wonder if she will return. And every time she does, it heals; until next time.
"I will come with you." She looks at me in surprise. "Give me long enough to get some things together and I'll come with you. I can't lose you again."
"No, Rushton." She shakes her head sadly, her voice gentle. "Obernewtyn needs you. The time has come and I must do this alone." Before I have a chance to say anything more, she vaults onto Gahltha's back and they gallop off; towards the mountains.
"Elspeth!" The cry rips from my throat, filled with pain and loss. She can't be gone; not like that, not again. Not forever. I can't live in a world without her.
Just before she is lost amongst the trees I feel the faintest brush of her mind against mine. Farewell, Rushton-love. No, it can't be. This can't be happening. It can't be real. It's nothing but a dream, a nightmare, and I will wake up and everything will be normal.
I squeeze my eyes shut and velvety blackness surrounds me.
I am sitting on a stone bench in a little copse of trees next to the maze. The air is warm and filled with the scent of the flowering rosebush to my right. Elspeth is sitting beside me, head leaning on my shoulder as we savour this brief moment of peace. She lifts her head, cocking it as though listening to something. I follow her gaze and see Maruman, sitting on a sunny branch looking down at us. Suddenly, she jerks upright, turning to glare at him.
"Enough, Maruman! I will leave when I must, but until then I will enjoy what I have." His only response is to leap down from the branch and saunter away, tail waving lazily. I gently pull her back down beside me, looking at her curiously.
"What was that all about?"She sighs, snuggling closer into my side, but I sense a withdrawal of something inside her. Her shield, sliding back into place.
"Just Maruman being annoying, as usual. Talking about annoying, we really need to look at better ways managing Obernewtyn's increasing population at the next guildmerge meeting..." My mind wanders as her voice becomes businesslike and she starts discussing guild matters. I feel that she is trying to cover something up, distract me. I think back to what she said to Maruman, and the meaning of other comments and actions thud sickeningly into place. I turn and grab her shoulders, interrupting her mid word.
"When must you leave? Why?" She looks at me, saying nothing. It is as I thought, she never meant for it to last.
Drops of cold water hit my face and she pulls away, turning back to the main house. "Come, it is starting to rain."
The sound of falling rain fills my ears and the world fades.
The slow drip of water on stone surrounds me, echoing strangely in the black darkness. Gradually I become aware of a dim, flickering light and I can see that I am in a dark stone tunnel, water dribbling down the walls. The light dims and I hear the faint echo of receding footsteps.
I step forwards, my foot splashing in a puddle, then I am off. I move towards the light and sound, my footsteps slapping wetly as I break into a run. I slide around a corner and skid to a halt, the source of the light and footsteps standing in front of me.
Elspeth spins around, eyes flashing, candle flame flickering wildly. "Why do you keep...?" She trails off, eyes widening in surprise. "Rushton? What are you doing here?
I look around, suddenly confused. "I... I don't know. Following you. Where are we?"
"You have to go back. You can't come here, it isn't safe."
"But you're here," I point out reasonably, "why can't I come too?"
She looks at me sadly. "Rushton, you have a duty to Obernewtyn. My duty lies elsewhere." Abruptly, the echoes resolve into more footsteps, coming closer. Elspeth's eyes widen in horror. "You must go! Now, before he sees you!" Then I am flying backwards, Elspeth and the tunnel shrinking into the distance. She looks after me for a moment, before turning to face the approaching shadow, and I catch the words she mouths. I love you.
The world gradually stabilizes around me and I see that I am in the high mountains. A plateau stretches away on all sides, sunlight reflecting blindingly off the untouched snow. I turn, shading my eyes and stumble, almost falling. Far from being in the middle of the plateau, I am on the edge, only metres from where it ends in shear cliffs. Stepping carefully, I inch closer and peer over.
Below me, the lowering mountains march off to one side and a flat plain stretches to the horizon. Strips of snow remain on the upper reaches of the mountains but all else is a dead glassy black, the dark barren waste of the poisoned blacklands. Movement catches my eye and I notice that one landmark has survived. Stretching across the plain, straight as an arrow, is a black Beforetime road. The movement comes again and I gasp in shock, for someone is walking along the road, deep into the blacklands.
I look closer and almost fall, swept by a wave of dizziness. It is Elspeth, clear as though standing before me, walking on unheedingly, eyes fixed ahead. Tears fill my eyes as I see that with every step the taint from the road climbs higher, poisoning her blood, rotting her flesh.
"Elspeth, come back!" My cry sounds thin in the cold air, and impossibly small. She stops and turns, as though hearing my faint call. Her eyes meet mine and the distance collapses, her words reaching me painfully strong and clear.
"I can't, Rushton. This is too important." I reach towards her, straining to bridge the empty space.
"Then let me come with you."
"No!" A note of fear enters her voice. "I can't loose you and if you come, you will die. This is my fate, alone." She turns away, breaking into a stumbling run; away from me towards her death. I look around frantically, desperately searching for a way down to the plain so I can follow. I see a place where the edge of the cliff dips into a rough trail. I plough towards it through the snow and step off the edge.
I find myself at the entrance to the greenthorn maze. The prickly green walls tower above me, the pungent scent confusing my senses. I pause for a moment then enter. I have to find a way through, to Elspeth. I walk quicker, twisting and turning searching for the markers.
Turning a corner I see her, there in front of me. She smiles at me, and beckons, then turns and slips away through an opening. I race to the opening, but she is gone. Turning away, I see her again, walking away down another passage. I call out but she ignores me, vanishing as I step towards her. I hurry to where I last saw her, only to catch her out of the corner of my eye, behind me again.
I try to follow but she is gone, reappearing somewhere else. I run through the maze, frantically searching, trying to catch up. Everywhere I turn I see her, an apparition appearing then disappearing. The images press in on me; Elspeth saying farewell, Elspeth turning away, Elspeth leaving, Elspeth, gone forever.
The world spins around me, spiralling down into darkness.
I like it here, in the dark. I suck it into myself, filling my mind with emptiness, feeling the fear, pain and responsibility drift away. I am safe. Then, a memory catches, not wanting to leave. I look at it closer, realising that the pain contained within is inextricably entwined with overwhelming love. I sense that this is the reason why I am embracing the dark numbness. Curious, yet fearful, I allow it to fill my mind.
I remember. Hair like black silk, intense dark green eyes, soft lips, a rare golden laugh. I remember. Dark secrets unshared, mysterious journeys, leaving never to return. I gasp, heart overflowing with love and loss. I try to push the memory away again, release it into the absorbing dark, but I can't. I struggle with an impossible choice. To forget; be free from the pain and loss and fear, but also to loose the memory of love and light and laughter, the meaning of my life. Or to remember; cling to the bright moments of times passed, but face the bleak knowledge that it is gone. How can I choose when either option is unbearable? How can I live when either way means loosing her?
So preoccupied am I with this internal struggle, I don't notice another presence join me in my refuge. I snap back to myself at the feel of a mindprobe inserting itself into my mind, evoking thoughts of stone, wind, thin air and feathers.
She/ElspethInnel was never yours/Rushton's. She dwelt/stayed with you for a time, but she has a greater purpose/quest/fate that must be answered/fulfilled.
"But I can't… I…"
No. You/Rushton must let her go/leave, and alone. But Obernewtyn/baraud needs you and, until then, so does she/ElspethInnel. Just remember, your time together is almost at and end, so make use of that which remains. Now, wake/rise, and remember.
I feel a strange lightening sensation, as though I am floating upwards, the dark turning grey then white around me.
I open my eyes to the sun slanting in through the window. Groaning, I sit up, mind still fogged with sleep. Half out of bed, I stop, the memory of my dreams crashing through me. Images whirling through my head, I dress hurriedly then rush towards Elspeth's rooms, driven by a sudden desperation. I reach the top of the stairs and find her just outside her room, obviously on the way down to firstmeal. I reach out, grabbing her arm urgently, and she turns to look at me, faint surprise colouring her voice.
"Rushton? What are you doing here?"
Words pour out of me, images spilling into the air. "I had such terrible dreams last night. You kept leaving. At the stables, in the garden, the tunnel, the mountains, the maze. You love me but you kept leaving and not letting me come. You left and you never came back! Please, tell me it's not true! Say the voice was wrong. You won't leave me like that, will you?" I stop, panting; part of me feeling foolish, but needing an answer. She reaches up cupping my face in her hands and looking deep into my eyes.
"I love you, Rushton, and I always will." We stand like that for a long moment, searching each other's eyes. Then she turns away, starting to climb down the stairs. "Come," she calls back to me, "join me for firstmeal. We both have a busy day ahead."
As I follow her down to the dining hall, I realise that she did not actually answer my question. Then, I remember her eyes, and I know.
I have always known.