Disclaimer: ...It's very painful to say this...but...(gulp)...(psychiatrist pops outta nowhere: "Take a deep breath and say this now, no pressure or anything...")...I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE RINGS OR LEGOLAS OR ANYTHING!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!... (Regains composure AHEM...Yes, Mr. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (that darn GENIUS!!) created all this wonderful-ness and he owns all this wonderful-ness and I am naught but a rabid, lowly fan-creature...but I DO own a life-size standup of LEGOLAS...(FANK U SO MUCH Sheepichan!)...Anyhooz, I only own any made-up characters (duh) and myself...Oh my this is an awfully long and badly written disclaimer...
Author's Note: Hey everyone!! This is the revised version of my very first fan-fic. The original one was done in script form…so obviously it's not on the site anymore XP. Anyhooz, I tweaked it up and decided to repost, but I've got to admit, it pretty much ruined most of the humor. And I'm WAY too lazy to actually start again from scratch. So, just bear with me, and read and REVIEW this (nudge nudge) in a helpful and constructive way (no flames, please!). One note: The words in italics are spoken by me, the author . And a warning: EXTREMELY SLOW UPDATER SPEAKING. Now with all that said, go and read!
Concerning Elves...And Those Other Dudes
Chapter 1: Beginnings...a.k.a. Attempt Number One
A strange teenage girl crept onto the set, glancing around nervously as if she was afraid someone would see her. Quickly, she ran up to a tall stool labeled "Da Narrator" and picked up a large stack of papers before plopping herself down onto the furry orange cushion. She adjusted her long blonde wig, tucking in the strands of curly brown hair that threatened to spring out any second. Unstrapping her plastic toy bow and matching plastic arrows from her back, she placed them lovingly onto her lap along with her Elf plushie. She gave a thumbs-up, and the lights dimmed.
"Ah!" a male voice screamed from behind her.
"What's wrong this time?" said another male voice, this one sounding thoroughly exasperated.
"…I'm afraid of the dark…"
Silence.
A large WHAP sounded, with a loud, "OW!" soon after.
Silence again.
The girl gave a small cough, and a female voice answered, "Yeah, yeah, honey. You can start now."
The girl smiled and began.
"Hello, everybody!" She waved furiously. "I'm not going to tell you my real name, but I'm know around here as the Weird Elf-Obsessed Narrator, or WEON for short."
She paused, and someone sniggered.
"The setting – In the lovely forests of Greenwood the Great, now called Mirkwood...Yes, the new name does turn away many tourists. But hey, Mirkwood doesn't need tourists to prosper! It's an Elven forest for crying out loud!! They've got the absolute hottest dudes in all of Middle-Earth!!! Especially – OOOOPS! I've said too much..." she giggled. "Anyhooz, this was the Third Age, and the evil of Sauron was spreading once again. The time of the elves was slowly fading, but many did not know of it yet (the POOR souls)...such as this handsome young elf-lad we are about to meet here..."
The camera panned over a large forest and slowly zoomed in onto two elves standing in a clearing. One was a well dressed, noble-looking elf wearing a name tag that read "Hello! My name is King Thranduil". He stood across from the other elf, a young boy. Waving his arms like a windmill, the older elf shouted, "C'mon there, gimme your best shot, Legolas!"
The young Legolas grinned in his trademark adorably cute way. "Okie-dokie!" he hollered, stringing his bow.
With a loud "Twaanngg!" Arrow #1 was released into the air. In a tiny voice, it shouted, "Zoom! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed King Thranduil, ducking. He turned around and looked up to see Arrow#1 stuck in a tree trunk right behind the spot where his head was 0.93463 seconds ago.
"That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!" shouted Arrow #1.
"Okie-dokie!" said Legolas, stringing his bow again.
"My turn!" cried Arrow # 2 with another "Twaanngg!" from the bow. "Zoom! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"
King Thranduil thought quickly...but not quickly enough.
"Uhhhhhhhh...AAAAAHHHHHHH!" he screamed, ducking again.
Erm...I SAID THINKING FAST! You're supposed to do or say something awesome and kingly! Your son's cooler than you are, by the way...hehe...
Arrow #2 grinned. "That was fun!"
Arrow #1 grinned. "I told you so!"
King Thranduil stuck out his tongue. "Be quiet you...you...anonymous voice who jocks my son!"
…I'll go now…
Young Legolas sighed. His father was talking to the sky again. It was getting awfully boring, and there was a (nearly) full quiver of arrows sitting by his feet… "Daddy! Can I do it again? Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…"
King Thranduil groaned and rubbed his temples. "MAKE IT STOP!"
"Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…"
"Hey, Legolas! I think I see a piece of CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED LEMBAS five miles west of here! Go get it before anyone else does! Go on, go!"
Legolas' eyes widened. "OOOOH!!! Gimme, gimme!!!!" he yelled, shooting off into the trees.
King Thranduil wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. His normally perfect Elven hair was in a mess (Yuck!) "WHEW………….."
Arrow #1 turned to Arrow #2. "That King T. is a bit flustered, don't you think?"
Arrow #2 grinned. "That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!"
"Pssst!!" came a voice from off set.
WEON was sitting on her narrator's stool, swinging her legs and stroking her toy bow and arrows. "Eeeek!!" she cried, dropping the "weapons" and looking around frantically, "Who was that?!"
The voice made a strange noise, something that sounded like a sigh combined with a scream of frustration. "It's just me. And it's your cue."
WEON jumped up from her seat. "Oh, I'm sorry!" She bent down to pick up the script…and three minutes and several ripped pages later, WEON found her place. She cleared her throat. "Later...at the palace...where those attractive elves dwell in absolute harmony and bliss…"
The camera zoomed in on the young Legolas sitting outside on a balcony. "Yummy!" he said through a mouthful of food, "My favoritetest CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED LEMBAS!"
A moment later, King Thranduil came bursting through the doors. He made his way to his son and bent down with his hands on his knees, huffing and puffing. "How'd YOU get here so fast, my boy?"
"Er rauw." It was hard for Legolas to speak clearly while stuffing his face full of lembas.
(Translation: I ran.)
King Thranduil sucked in a deep breath and coughed. "Well...you sure were fast, laddie."
"Er roow."
(Translation: I know.)
King Thranduil got up, wheezing and gasping for air. "I think I'll rest just here a bit," he managed, leaning on the pretty marble railing.
The pretty marble railing cleared its throat. "With all due respect, sir, you are perspiring on me…"
"Wha-WHAT?" gasped King Thranduil. He turned to look at his son, who was still eating. "Did I just hear the railing speak?" Kind Thranduil bent down and pressed his ear on the balustrade, shouting, "CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, LOUDER?"
Legolas rolled his eyes.
"Hmm…" said the king, straightening up and breathing hard. "Maybe it's all in my head…OOOOOOH!!" he cried suddenly, spotting a flock of sinister-looking black birds seven miles away. "Pretty birdies! See the pretty birdies, Legolas?"
Young Legolas was still slowly chomping on his lembas. "Erp, Er rei rim."
(Translation: Yup, I see them.)
The Sinister-looking birds/Pretty birdies (depending on who you ask) continued to fly towards the west. "Caw! We're evil!"
King Thranduil clapped his hands in excitement. "Whatcha think they are, son? Crows? Let's capture one and name it Polly! OH! No! How about…"
Legolas licked the crumbs off his fingers as he got up to join his father. "Nah, they're not for pets, daddy. They're crebain from Fangorn and Dunland. They're probably bad guys…"
King Thranduil smiled widely at his son…then fell into a coughing fit. "Wow! (COUGH) I'm impressed! (COUGH) What a smart boy (COUGH) you are!"
Young Legolas simply smiled that heart-melting smile of his.
King Thranduil continued to cough and wheeze. "Ugh. I really shouldn't have gone power walking back home from that old archery clearing. 0.00193 miles is just a bit too much…"
Legolas looked up at his father with an innocent puppy-dog-eyes face. "Daddy...you're not getting OLD...are you?"
King Thranduil huffed and puffed. "WHAT?...Oh no...Oh NO, my son. I'm just a little...out of shape..." He gasped loudly. "I AM NOT OLD! Nooooooooooooooooo! I'm only 5038 years, 7 months, 22 days, 15 hours, 41 minutes, and 10 seconds old! NOT OLD!" With that, he ran off at the breakneck speed of 0.002 mph, muttering to himself. "I need my inhaler…"
Young Legolas looked on in a sophisticated, nonchalant, and yet adorable way. "I wanna go play with my toy archers!" he declared to no one in particular, and walked off to his room.
Arrow #1 was still on the tree, grinning. "This is fun!"
Arrow #2 was also on the tree, grinning. "That was fun! Do it again, Leggy!"
WEON, having been following the script very closely, immediately said her line…or at least her version of it. "Still later…and still in that beautiful palace blessed with the presence of the all-wonderful, worthy-to-be-worshiped, cutest-and-most-adorablest-guy-in-all-of-Middle-Earth-and-the-rest-of-the-universe-for-that-matter, Prince of Mirkwood, Legolas…"
The young Legolas smiled shyly. "I am loved!"
I'm baack!! And I LOVE YEW LEGOLAS!!! (glomp)
Legolas smiled contentedly. "Miss Author LOVES me, so she's gonna make sure nothing bad happens to me ever for the rest of the story!" He grinned adorably, showing perfectly straight, white, and adorable baby teeth, except for a cute little gap, giving little Leggy a sweet, mischievous look.
SHUSH! DON'T REVEAL MY BADLY THOUGHT-OUT PLOT!
Legolas smiled adorably. "Okie! I sowwy," he said, sitting down to play with his toys again.
Suddenly, a Strange Voice came from the sky. "Excuse me."
Yesh? What happened? Did the archery storage run out? Did evil squirrels attack us in a homicidal rage because the elves claimed all the pretty trees that were rightfully theirs in the first place and now the enraged amphibians are here for revenge so they have pillaged and burned the entire community leaving none but my dear Legolas to save the most fair and noble race of elves? DID THEY ROB THE CHOCOLATE STORE?
"Uh…no. First of all, squirrels aren't amphibians…but anyways, I am here to issue a complaint. You must get rid of that underpaid, obsessive-compulsive 'narrator' you have there."
WEON was just in the middle of planting a huge kiss on her Elf plushie. Blushing, she quickly hid the doll behind her back. "Uh…who, me?"
B-but...I thought she was a nice person…and she had gladly accepted her $0.04 an hour wage…!
The Strange Voice continued. "Well, I am here to replace WEON. I am a professional in-story narrator with years of experience, and I agree to work for you under only two conditions: get rid of the adjectives ADORABLE, CUTE, and SWEET to describe everything your main character does (BECAUSE WE GET THE POINT, DARN YOU!)...and raise my salary to $0.14 an hour."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried WEON as the Strange Voice's minions…err…assistants dragged led her off the set. "Don't send me away!" The last thing we heard as her voice faded was, "Elves are too coollllll..."
Hmph! I suppose you leave me with no choice…
"And I suppose you're right," said Strange Voice Who Is Now Narrator (SVWINN). "Anyhooz, let's return to our story in which this authoress is trying to obviously and desperately create a plot, but isn't fooling anybody…"
Grrr…
Random Guard #1 knocked on the open door of Legolas' bedroom. "Prince Legolas! There is a young lady here to see you! And she sends a word of greeting: 'Come down here or else!'…"
Random Guard #2 tapped the first guard on the shoulder. "Hey! Those were five words of greeting! I'm smart!" he exclaimed, grinning.
Random Guard #1 replied with a "BONK!" of his nightstick.
"Ouchie…" said Random Guard #2, rubbing his head.
Putting down his toys, Legolas looked up with a mildly curious expression on his face. "Okies, I'm coming!" He stood and hopped lightly down the stairs.
Another Random Guard pulled back a pretty beaded curtain made of little elvenstone imitations (If you look closely, you can see 'Made in China" etched on each bead). "Prince Legolas, meet Elenuial."
SVWINN spoke with a faint hint of sarcasm in his voice. "There, framed by sunbeams, stood a fair young Elven maiden. There seemed to be a halo of light surrounding her." SVWINN cleared his throat and grunted. "Ugh. Elves are always stereotypically portrayed so well. I oughta –…OUCH!!…I sowwy…"
Please continue.
"Yes, yes, of course. Uhh…she had beautiful, flowing dark brown hair and a soft, cheerful face. She wa –
"WAIT A SECOND!" demanded the young Eleniual. She turned to the odd little elf boy standing behind her. "Turn down that flashlight! You're blinding everybody!"
"Ah. Ah. We're being blinded," said several voices unenthusiastically.
A Random Dude Who Uses "Stylish" Language piped up. "Agh! My retinas! They BURNSS!"
Another Random Dude Who Uses "Sophisticated" Language also spoke. "Agh! My corneas! They BURNSS as well!"
The Little Elf Boy's lower lip quivered. "I'm sorry, big sis!!" he cried, turning down the flashlight to 168743 watts.
Elenuial smiled. "That's much betterer, Beleglin. Go on, keep talkin', strange voice."
"Ah, yes," said SVWINN, pulling out his sunglasses. "Now, where were we?" There was a ruffle of script papers. "...halo of light...yada yada yada...oh yes, here. AHEM. She wa –"
"Excusy me, Mr. Voicy, sir. But why would you need sunglassies if you don't have eyesies?" asked the young Beleglin.
"Silence you...you...ELF!!!"
(No one gets it. Then again, everyone else in this scene is an elf, too…)
"Oh, never mind," sighed SVWINN. "Anyway, she was carrying a large bow and a quiver of arrows on her back…" SVWINN coughed and muttered, "Probably made in China…"
"EXCUSE US? We were made in GUATEMALA, THANK YOU!" shouted Elenuial's bow and arrows.
SVWINN ignored them. "Anyway, the pretty little Elvish girl was holding an Elven dagger in one hand and a half eaten chocolate bar in the other. Oh, aren't you ready for battle…"
Elenuial grinned, not catching the sarcasm. "Yup Yup!! I'm always ready for war!!"
All this time, Legolas had been staring at her. "...Elenuial...I've seen you before, right?…Only briefly though…"
Elenuial smiled warmly at him. "Don't you remember...it was only about a hundred years ago…"
Realization came upon Legolas' face. "The Oracle…Saurina…"
"You hit it right on the head…go you!"
...And so, I end this chapter with the worst ending in the history of chapter endings (YESH!! I'm horrible at this!! Spare me the punishment!!!) But hey, it means I'll definitely be updating!...someday (heh) !WARNING! VERY SLOW UPDATER SPEAKING! Just review...pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top?