Shirou, go home. You're drunk.
Disclaimer: I kind of don't want to own this... good thing, too.
A/N: I don't even know where this came from. It popped into my head, I giggled, thought it was incredibly juvenile and stupid, and thus came to the conclusion I simply had to write it. Unlike The Fourth King, this isn't going to be continued. Really. This takes place in an AU of F/SN. What AU is altogether uncertain, but it's one where the cast is alive and together for a party, largely due to the powers of undiluted crack. Rated M for safety, as though nothing explicit happens "on-screen", it's definitely iffy to put into a T fic.
Rin stared at the boy, her own face lightly flushed, mouth hanging open. "Shirou, what the hell are you doing?"
I am the boner of my "sword"
Sakura turned bright red, stammering. "S-sempai?!"
Rock-hard is my "body" and fire is my blood
Saber blinked, looking over at Rin. "How much alcohol did he...?" The Tohsaka glanced back, eyes uncertain.
I have made over a thousand proposals
Ilya's eyes widened. "Wait, is onii-chan going to..." The rest of the room did what they could to ignore the way her breath sped up at that.
Unaware of rejection, nor aware of acceptance
Rider shifted away several steps, pointedly ignoring the drunken teen's incantations.
Withstood pain to create many come-ons, waiting for one's arrival
Rin glanced back at Shirou, biting her lip nervously. "Shirou, seriously, cut it out." It wasn't particularly likely that this would actually work, but then again, this was Shirou.
I will have no regrets, this is the golden harem path
"Wait, WHAT?!"
My whole life is...
Everyone but Shirou and Ilya started to dive for cover.
"UNLIMITED "GETTING LAID" WORKS!"
Saber, Rin, and Sakura all disappeared alongside Shirou, while the rest of the party remained under the varying furniture they used for hiding places. Ilya glanced about expectantly, then, realizing she hadn't actually moved, pouted.
"So not fair."
When they were approached later, those drawn into the deranged Reality Marble had different reactions.
Sakura would flush, but her smile was so wide as to be incredibly disconcerting. When Ilya started that conversation in earnest, all others fled as fast as they possibly could.
Saber would say absolutely nothing, turning scarlet and immediately trying everything in her power to change the subject. When that inevitably failed (it was Ilya who was asking), the King of Knights just grabbed the nearest object resembling a sword, bopped the smaller girl on the head, and ran for all she was worth.
No one approached Rin. Even Ilya admitted she was afraid the Tohsaka would use her powers as the legendary Super Tsun-tsun against her, and after what she had done to Shirou...
Males across the globe collectively shuddered. Shirou still grinned though.
"Still worth it."
After all, even after all that, Rin hadn't called off their lessons. Rather, according to her, the material they were covering was starting to go into things the uninitiated shouldn't be aware of, so only Saber and Sakura were ever let in to those lessons... which seemed to involve a great deal of shouting.
Archer shook his head.
"Dammit, why couldn't this have been my past?"
Post-note: Like I said. Crack.