Author's Note: Dedicated to a close friend, who naively asked that I "write a random story," not realizing that she would receive this monstrosity in return. For the best experience, the reader should possess basic knowledge of Ouran High School Host Club, Fullmetal Alchemist, Black Butler, and Fruits Basket.

Once upon a Christmas, Kyoya Ootori, Roy Mustang, Ronald Knox, and Shigure Sohma gathered around the fireplace for a "Secret Santa" gift exchange. In the weeks previous, the four men had drawn random names from a bowl, and now, by the warmth of the crackling fire, they were ready to exchange their gifts.

"So, uh, how're we gonna do this?" Ronald Knox spoke first. "Is there a certain order we should follow or—"

"The most logical way to proceed is to repeat the order in which we drew the names," Kyoya Ootori interrupted.

Roy Mustang looked over at the high school student, one eyebrow skeptically raised. "You honestly remember things like that?"

Kyoya's eyes narrowed and his lips curled into a sly smirk. "But of course. I always take very thorough notes."

Shigure Sohma leaned forward in his seat, wearing a grin on his face. "So, then, Kyoya, if that's what is most logical, why don't you remind us simpletons of the proper order?"

"Gladly," Kyoya said. "I will present my gift first, then Mr. Knox will share his, followed by Mr. Mustang, and you, Mr. Sohma, will give yours last. That is the order that we determined from the start."

"You think too much, kid," Roy dismissed with a roll of his eyes. "I'm pretty sure that we just reached into a bowl and drew some names."

Ronald excitedly clapped his hands together and exclaimed, "Well, then, let's get started! Lead us off, Kyoya!"

Kyoya nodded and, much to everyone's surprise, he stood from his seat. He cleared his throat and began, "Gentlemen, it is a pleasure to be with you here tonight and to celebrate Christmas among some of the best-loved personalities across the globe. I bid a very Merry Christmas to each of you."

"My, how incredibly formal," Shigure laughed.

"Yeah, let's skip all the formalities and start with the gifts!" Ronald playfully urged.

Kyoya sighed in annoyance. "If you insist." He then bent down and grabbed a rectangular gift covered in red wrapping paper and topped with a green ribbon—all in all, a typical-looking Christmas preset. "It is my pleasure to present this gift to Colonel Roy Mustang. Merry Christmas."

The Colonel reached out and took the present. For a moment, he met Kyoya's eyes, and he could swear that a crafty glean shone across the boy's glasses. "Oh, joy," Roy responded with a sarcastic tone. "I can't wait to see what it is." With a bit of hesitance, he ripped into the gift.

Beneath the wrapping paper lay a black book. Roy opened it and skimmed the pages, then looked up at Kyoya with an unenthused expression.

"You do appreciate it, yes?" Kyoya assumed with a smirk. "I ordered my people examine your lifestyle and habits, so that I could give you a gift with some practical use," Kyoya explained. "That is why I chose to present you with this daily planner. It seems that you often have difficulty completing your duties, so I believe that you will benefit greatly from a method of organizing your schedule and tasks."

"How thoughtful," Roy ungratefully muttered, but then his eyes lit up with a sudden spark. "I know!" he exclaimed. ""I'll write down some errands so that I can send Fullmetal out to do them for me!"

"Well, delegating tasks does typically save time and effort," Kyoya acknowledged, though there was a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Thanks," Roy said with a smug smile, his eyes still lit with mischief.

"My turn!" Ronald's voice chimed with eagerness as he shot up from his seat. "I am also proud to be a part of this gift exchange with you fine gentlemen! Although…" He paused and laughed a bit. "…I'm not convinced that all of us are quite as gentlemanly as we pretend to be." His eyes shifted to the teenager in the room. In an accusatory tone, he prodded, "Isn't that right, Kyoya?"

Kyoya inquisitively turned toward Ronald. "Hmm?"

Ronald produced a small bag adorned with intricate, white snowflakes. White paper flowed out of the opening as decoration, and a tag bearing Kyoya's name fell to the side. "For you, the 'cool type,'" Ronald smoothly spoke as he handed over the bag.

"Thank you, Mr. Knox," Kyoya said as he laid the bag in his lap. Then, reaching into the bag, he stopped for a moment as his hand brushed against the white paper. "This isn't tissue paper," he noted, looking to Ronald with a perplexed glance. "These are actual tissues."

"Why, yes, I suppose they are," Ronald said with a mischievous grin.

Kyoya dug farther into the bag and pulled out handful of small, individually wrapped objects. He lifted them up and examined them closely, but upon a certain realization, he found himself speechless. "These are…"

"They're rubbers, yeah!" Ronald boasted. "You see, I heard from your friend Tamaki that you're involved in a Host Club, so I figured, if that's what you like to do, then you're gonna need rubbers at all times!"

"And tissues too," Roy joked.

"Especially with all of those high school girls around!" Shigure swooned, and the three older men doubled over with laughter.

Although his cheeks were now tinted red, Kyoya retained his calm demeanor. "I think you misunderstand what kind of Host Club it is," he remarked, stuffing the presents back into the bag.

"There are different kinds?" Ronald naively asked. "Your friend told me that you 'entertain' women and make them 'happy.'"

"It's pretty obvious what kind of Host Club it is," Shigure concluded with a nod.

"Well, it's not your fault, Ronald," Kyoya sighed. "I must remind our President to better clarify the goals of our club the next time he explains it to someone else." With that, the teen picked up his own daily planner and scrawled a few notes on the pages, and eventually the laughter died down.

"I believe Colonel Mustang is next on the list," Shigure recalled.

"Ah, yes," Roy said, nodding in Shigure's direction. "A gift is in order for you, Shigure."

Shigure smiled. "Oh, so you drew my name then?"

"Yes," Roy said as he revealed an unusually-shaped gift, "and I was very glad that it was your name."

Shigure cocked his head to the side in curiosity. "Why's that?"

"Because… well…" For a moment, Roy hesitated, looking quite serious, but then he belted out, "I LOVE DOGS!" With one swift, sweeping motion, he rose from his seat and threw his arms about Shigure's neck. "Loyal canine how we salute thee!" his voice rung out in song.

"I guess you figured out the Sohma family secret," Shigure muttered.

"And what a wonderful secret it is!" Roy praised. "I wish that you could transform into a dog right now!"

Shigure shrugged. "I'm afraid that's just not how it works. I don't get to choose when it happens."

"Well, next time you transform, you can enjoy this!" Roy proudly proclaimed as he dropped his gift into Shigure's lap.

"It's a dog bone," Shigure realized as he tore off the wrapping paper.

A wide grin spread across Roy's face. "I knew you'd love it!"

"Yes, well… I suppose it's my turn now," Shigure dismissed, "and I'm sure you all know whose name I drew from the bowl."

"I guess I'm the only one left," Ronald remarked.

"That's correct," Shigure said with a smile, "and I have a feeling that you'll like this gift very much."

"Oh, is that so?" Ronald wondered as he looked over at Shigure expectantly.

"Based on your selection for Kyoya's gift, I'd say so, yes," Shigure insisted.

"Well, let's see it then!" Ronald excitedly urged.

"It is my pleasure to present to you this copy of my latest novel in the Summer-Colored Sigh series!" Shigure announced with a grin. "It's a brand new book. It hasn't even hit the stores yet. You seem like the kind of guy who would enjoy it."

"Isn't that a pornographic series?" Roy pointed out.

"I prefer the term 'trashy romance,' actually," Shigure corrected.

"Wait, so you're the author of these novels?" Ronald noted with surprise. "Noa Kiritani is a pen name?"

Shigure nodded. "That's right! A man's got to protect his reputation somehow!"

"It's too late for that," Kyoya spoke up.

"Well, it could be worse," the author resolved with a light-hearted shrug. "At least I'm not a member of a Host Club." Then, with a spry look in his eye, he added, "Hmm… On second thought, perhaps I should join a Host Club... Then I could have all the high school girls!"

"What deplorable company," Kyoya resentfully muttered.

"Don't be so fickle, kid," Roy scolded. "Just a few minutes ago, you said that we were gentlemen."

"Yeah, and didn't you say that you were proud to spend Christmas with 'some of the best-loved personalities across the globe?'" Ronald slyly quoted.

"I did, but I'm beginning to think that I was misinformed about the quality of your characters," Kyoya bitterly admitted.

"Well, I, for one, have enjoyed the company this evening," Shigure retorted. "It's been quite the entertaining night."

"Yeah, let's do it again next year!" Ronald happily chimed.

"I'll be sure to write it in my planner," Roy remarked, extending his hand and glancing over at Kyoya.

On that thought, Kyoya hesitated, but then he reached out and shook the Colonel's hand. "And I shall write it in mine."

The men rose from their seats and eased toward the door. Just before stepping outside, Shigure stopped and pulled everyone together for a quick hug. "Merry Christmas, friends!" he cheered. "I'll see you next year!"

With that, the four men said their goodbyes.

Kyoya, meanwhile, looked down at the blue and white gift bag, then back up at the three older men as they walked off together, and the faintest hint of a smile tugged at his lips. Those men were altogether a flawed bunch, but they each meant well, and they reminded him of someone else he knew.

THE END