He should have noticed it earlier. He should have seen this all along. Always he believed his friend when he said he was okay, with that kind smile of his on his face to reassure the other and convince him he was fine. But that smile was nothing but a mask to hide his sadness and sorrow.
''I'm fine, Daichi.'' Is what he would always tell him, standing straight, yet hiding his arms behind his back as if hiding something from the other man. ''I'm fine, really. Don't worry about me, think a little bit more of yourself.'' Yet he was the one who should be thinking more of himself.
''If you say so.'' Was what Daichi would always answer, but barely could let his worry just go away. Sugawara was a very good and precious friend of his. They knew each other since high school, going to the same club as they shared the same interest in volleyball. Daichi was the captain, Sugawara was vice-captain and a very good setter, even though he never wanted to believe he was that great. Even though they didn't go to the same college, they never broke contact. They didn't study far away from each other, so visiting was easy, the only thing that made them not see each other as often was the time. They both were too busy to see each other.
That, and Sugawara got a boyfriend in college. Daichi didn't know the man personally, but Sugawara always said good things about him. How great he was, how he was into volleyball too. The man looked far different from Sugawara's personality, having piercings and all and looking like a tough guy, but Sugawara always told Daichi how nice he was despite how he looked from the outside to the point they started to move in together after finishing school. It was also where Sugawara could see Daichi more again, since he and his boyfriend lived pretty close by, yet Sugawara only could go to Daichi always or meet up in the city. Nowhere else, not at his own place.
''I can't stay for long, I have to get back in time.'' Sugawara would say anytime he hung out with his best friend. ''I have to cook dinner for Yuuji, so I have to get back in time.'' It always either an excuse or the truth. Probably both.
''Oh...but, can't he make something for himself or eat out? It's been a while we saw each other, Koushi. I was hoping to get some dinner with you.'' Daichi would say, just wanting to spent time with his closest friend.
''I'm sorry. Some other time. I promised Yuuji to make dinner.'' But Sugawara always promised him that. He always took care of his boyfriend. Always cleaning the house, always cooking for him. Always making sure his boyfriend was pleased. ''I have to go now, Daichi. It was fun. I'll see you later again. Have a nice evening, bye.''
''Yeah...bye. You too.'' Daichi wove as the shorter man left. Sighing, Daichi stared down some to the floor to think. He really did wish Sugawara would think more of himself instead of his boyfriend.
Once home, Sugawara immediately went preparing dinner for tonight. His boyfriend would come home all exhausted and Sugawara knew he liked it when he took care of him and spoil him. Almost slave-like. Honestly, Sugawara did anything to make Terushima happy, but barely got anything in return. Kisses, a few compliments and hugs only, presents were on a rare occasion.
''Yuuji, welcome back home, dear.'' Sugawara would greet his boyfriend all happily, walking up to him to give him a hug and a kiss, but unfortunately even that sweet suggestion wasn't always appreciated. Whenever Terushima had a bad day at work, he would turn it against Sugawara pretty much. He would push him aside, not wanting to be touched. He would snap at him at every word Sugawara would say to him and only try to get everything his way. And Sugawara would accept it all, because he thought it would be best to listen, to obey. Because he would think this way he wouldn't get hurt himself, but in the end he was wrong.
Most of the time hidden, but quite a few times seen, Sugawara was often hit and bruised. Dark marks on his arms, chest, legs and sometimes face. Cheeks red at first, but turning a purple color later, or a scratch of which the man would say he had an accident with a cat. But he didn't own one. Whenever Daichi would ask about them ,every time a new excuse was made up.
''Oh, just a little accident. No worries.'' His answer would be. ''Guess Yuuji went a little bit too rough on me in the bedroom, haha.'' Sugawara would laugh it off like it was nothing. A joke.
But Sugawara wasn't only psychically hurt. He was also mentally hurt. What Daichi noticed was that Sugawara frequently asked him if he was 'worth it' - 'worth' as in being who he was, worth to be alive. Too, if he wasn't useless, if he did things right. Daichi often noticed the sadness in his eyes whenever his friend asked him this and when Daichi told him the positive words he was perfect the way he was, a faint smile of something that looked like hope was shown in Sugawara's eyes. He often thanked Daichi, but was filled with anxiety still.
And never did Daichi know why.
That was until he one day found a letter in his mail box. At first he thought it would be from his family, since they old-fashioned wrote letters. But when he opened it, he was in shock.
Dear my best friend Daichi,
You must be surprised getting a letter from me, but I wanted to thank you. For everything.
I had hoped this would be a happy letter, but I suppose not. Please don't come visit me after you finish reading this letter, because you won't be able to find me.
Love isn't easy, I have learned. I thought I would be happy, I thought I had found the love of my life. But instead I face pain every day. That isn't right, right?
Of course I should have seen it coming, but I was young and too blinded by love to see. I know we were different and probably not suited for each other at all. I guess I should blame it all myself.
Very little did I know choosing this path in life would be a mistake. I should have told you ad I'm sorry I didn't. I was scared. Yet I want to thank you for everything you did for me. The memories we made, you being supportive. I am grateful to have you as my best friend for that.
Every single on of them.
You taught me many things. One of them was courage and strength. But that's something I don't have anymore, let alone something called 'hope'.
Over the years, I hope you will find someone to be happy with. A family perhaps even. I wished I could be there or even be a part of it maybe.
Unfortunate it is, but all good things come to an end. And this would be mine. I can't take this anymore. It's hard to explain, but it is as it is. No more I can live like this, in fear, pain and everything secretly. I can't lie to you no more or let anything happen to you because of my mistakes.
No more.
Goodbye,
Sugawara Koushi.
The end of the letter made Daichi realize: his friend was there no more. He was gone.
Forever.