"Once you had put the pieces back together,
even though you may look intact,
you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall."-Jodi Picoult
~#~#~#~
He wasn't okay.
It was two months after the whirlwind of events that lead to Terra's betrayal and subsequent entombment. While on the surface Beast Boy was alright; joking, laughing, being his overall goofy self, it was all a pretty act to cover the turmoil raging within. The truth was, Beast Boy hadn't slept in those two months. Or, he had, though sleep was hard to come by, and what little sleep he achieved was ravaged by horrid nightmares that left him screaming into his pillow with tears streaming down his face.
It wasn't a pleasant life to live, but Beast Boy didn't know what to do. Talk to his friends? How? He was afraid. What would they say? That he was crazy? Despite everything that had happened, he still loved Terra, and he feared they'd shake their heads and say he was nuts for loving a girl who had tried to kill him.
And maybe he was.
His mask was cracking, that much he knew. A person could only go so long without sleep, and Beast Boy had been awake for over a week now. He was exhausted and falling apart, and it showed. Earlier that week, he'd snapped at Starfire for singing while doing the dishes. The poor Tamaranean had nearly cried, and Robin had nearly killed him in training. It wasn't until after a rough day battling Adonis that Beast Boy was tired enough to fall immediately asleep upon hitting the pillow.
The dream was the same.
He was in a field, with Terra. They sat among the tall wildflowers, watching them sway lazily in the wind. Beast Boy was captivated by her laughter, watching happily as the geomancer batted a pebble in the air with her powers. He was smiling so much his face hurt, and his heart hammered in his chest.
He was going to tell her how he felt.
"Terra?" he murmured. She glanced at him, her blue eyes bright with life.
"Hmm?"
He opened his mouth to speak, to lay everything out in the open, when the ground began to rumble. His gaze shot from the rumbling earth to Terra, whose face was contorted in fear and confusion, when the shaking turned violent and the ground began to tear open. He watched in horror as the earth opened up behind Terra, and she teetered on the edge. She tried to scramble forward, towards him, but the ground she sat upon crumbled beneath her and she slid towards the gaping crevice with a shriek.
"Terra!" he screamed, lunging forward. His fingers grazed hers, and he thought he'd finally caught her, when she slipped from his grasp and down into the burning lava below, screaming his name as she fell.
"No!" He bolted upright, sweat and tears dripping down his face. He was in his room, and Terra was a statue. The terror of his dream combined with bitter reality hit him like an avalanche. The changeling curled up around his pillow, clutching at the soft cushion as he sobbed like a baby. It was loud, full of gasps and hiccups as the salty tears burned his face.
It wasn't until the sweet smell of lilacs permeated the room that he realized he was no longer alone. A weight shifted on the bed, and Beast Boy's bleary gaze caught sight of Raven's alabaster skin. She said nothing. Instead, she gently rubbed his back while he cried, her soft voice murmuring words of comfort and kindness. It wasn't long before his sobs quieted and he drifted back into a dreamless, peaceful sleep.
Beast Boy's eyes cracked open.
His face was raw and his nose so stuffed he could barely breath. He remembered his nightmare, and the crying fit that followed, but the strange memory of Raven comforting him flitted across his mind. Surely, that was a dream?
He would certainly have believed it to be a dream, if it weren't for the lingering scent of lilacs. Not that he could smell that great with his clogged up sinuses. But he could taste the little that remained, like a small breath of life in an otherwise dead place.
Beast Boy stumbled out of bed and throw on some clothes, dragging his feet as he walked into the common room. Dread slowly filled him up. What if Raven told everyone? What if she told them he wasn't okay? So many possibilities flew through his mind; getting kicked off the team, getting thrown into therapy, being pitied by his friends, looked down upon for his depression, being thought of as stupid, attention seeking, weak.
His throat was dry as he stared at the door. He couldn't bear the thought of anyone knowing his dark little secrete; after all, he was supposed to be fine. He was half tempted to scurry back into his room and hide under the covers like a child, but it was getting late and if he didn't enter the common room soon, the chances of the others knowing increased tenfold. So, with shaking hands, he pushed the button to open the doors and stepped into the ops.
"Well it's about damn time, B." Cyborg's joking tone boomed through the room, eliciting a nervous chuckle from the changeling.
"What can I say? I like to sleep in."
Cyborg snorted, returning to his sizzling sausages. Beast Boy put on a grimace at the smell, and glanced about the room. Robin and Starfire were chatting over heaping plates of pancakes, though Star's were covered in mustard. They barely acknowledged him, Robin nodding absently as he skimmed the paper and Starfire simply giggling at Cyborg's remark.
They didn't know.
He risked a glance at Raven, who was seated on the couch and reading a book. Perhaps she sensed his gaze, for she turned to shoot him an inquisitive glance, her expression a mask of irritation. He blinked and turned away, his face hot.
He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but for some reason, this wasn't it.
The morning dragged on as they usually do; Cyborg teasing him about meat and Beast Boy quipping back, if only for the sake of normalcy. Robin, as usual, had everyone head down to the gym for some training.
Beast Boy couldn't help but sneak glances at Raven every so often, his emotions leaping wildly from gratitude to fear and back again. Why did she do it? The question echoed in his mind, haunting him. Why would Raven, the girl constantly annoyed by him, help him? Sure, they were friends. Hell, they were starting to be really good friends. But they still irritated each other. Honestly, Beast Boy often thought she only tolerated him. It was a stupid insecurity to have, but it was there, leaving last night's...experience...rather mind boggling.
It wasn't until after training that the opportunity to question her presented itself. Beast Boy happened to be in the hallway heading to his room, when Raven's door slid open and she stepped out. Beast Boy froze for a second, his gaze darting around to assure they were alone.
They were.
He hurriedly strode up to Raven, practically cornering her by the wall. Raven's eyes widened in surprise, but she didn't snap at him or shove him aside. Instead, she stood there, staring at him inquisitively, waiting for him to speak.
"You came in my room last night." It wasn't a question. It was a statement, an aloud observation and confirmation of what had happened. He needed to be sure that it had happened in an absolute sense, despite already knowing the answer.
Raven dipped her head in a nod.
"Why?"
She blinked, surprise flitting across her features. "You were upset."
It was a simple statement, but one that carried so much weight. By the look on her face, he knew in that moment that Raven had known all along, that he hadn't fooled her. She'd seen right through him from the get go. It shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did, in fact, it was almost a relief. Still, another question burned in his mind, and he blurted it out.
"Why now? If...if you've known...why now?" His voice cracked a little, and Beast Boy cursed himself for letting his weakness show. He looked away, trying to hold the pieces together. Raven's soft gaze draped over him, and he could smell her pity.
"Privacy is important to me. I...I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. I thought perhaps you wanted to figure it out yourself, but...it never got better." Her voice was a whisper, soft and full of pain and regret. He bit his lip hard, trying not to break. It was understandable that Raven would wish to respect his privacy, and her honesty was enough to start hacking away at the mask he'd created. He trembled from the effort of staying together, stilling at the touch of Raven's cool hand.
"If...if you ever need to talk, you're welcome to come find me."
Beast Boy turned sharply to her, his jaw nearly going slack. Raven had never been so...openly kind to him before. At least, not like this. But her quiet gentleness was like a soft bandage on his ragged self, something he so desperately needed. He nodded dully, watching as she slipped away with one last comforting glance.
For the first time in awhile, Beast Boy didn't feel quite so alone anymore.
It was quiet.
As far as Beast Boy knew, the only person awake in the tower was him. It was hours past midnight, how many he knew not, and he was laying on his bed staring up at the top bunk, wide awake. It was another night, like so many before, where sleep refused to come. Beast Boy sighed. His mind was a hurricane of darkness, refusing to release him from its grasp.
If you ever need someone to talk to...
The whisper of her invitation flitted across his mind. He sat up, rubbing his face. Should he? There were many reasons not to, namely that she might not have meant it. Raven could very well have just said it to be polite. Plus, it was what, two in the morning? Four? She'd probably kill him if he woke her up, right?
But no matter how hard he tried to excuse his way around the invitation, he couldn't let it go. It was though Raven had turned on a lamp in the darkness, beckoning him to seek refuge. He sighed again. What did he have to lose? His sanity? Beast Boy was certain that he'd already lost that the day Terra was turned to stone. He wearily pulled himself off of his bed and staggered into the hallway, finding himself face to face with the empath's door.
This was stupid. What could Raven do? He'd already tried everything, hadn't he? It wasn't better. He wasn't better. Maybe he'd never be better; maybe he was cursed to an existence of suffering. He'd had plenty of that already, what was a little more? Beast Boy hugged himself, biting his lip hard as he glanced at her door once more. No, this was a mistake. His shoulders sagged and he turned away, intent to return to the safety of his room.
As he took a step, the door behind him swooshed as it slid open. Beast Boy froze, glancing over his shoulder. Raven stood in the doorway, her hair tucked into a messy bun and her clothes askew from sleep. Her face was contorted in confusion, and she leaned against the door frame.
"Beast Boy?"
He shot her a wan grin. "Hey, Rae. S-sorry, I just...I was just heading to bed and um..."
Wordlessly, Raven stepped aside, inviting him in. Beast Boy blinked, surprised. After a long look at Raven, he stepped inside, looking about like a wary animal. The door shut behind him, and Beast Boy nearly jumped as Raven's slender fingers grazed him arm. She led him to her bed, where they both sat. Beast Boy fiddled with his thumbs nervously, completely and utterly afraid.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Raven's uncertain voice was almost a relief, indicating she was just as unsure as he was. This was new territory for them both, as neither was keen on sharing their troubles. Beast Boy let out a long breath, his gaze wandering about the dark room.
"Yes. No. I-I dunno..."
His head dropped into his hands. He was so confused, scared, and sad. He hadn't felt this terrible in so long, but it at the same time he felt as though the sadness had always been there, locking him in its grasp. It was never-ending.
Raven's light touch provided some comfort, and Beast Boy peeked at her through his fingers. Her expression was full of concern, but it somehow was still so warm and tender.
"I can't sleep."
The statement dropped so suddenly, he was almost unsure he'd said it at all. But once the dam had broken, everything else began gushing out, and soon enough Beast Boy found himself speaking rapidly.
"E-every time I close my eyes, I see her. I dream about her, and how I couldn't save her. And it's stupid, 'cuz we didn't even date or anything! Except for that one date, but then she betrayed us and almost killed me and...and got turned to stone! But I love her and I hate it." He paused, scrubbing the tears from his cheeks. "I just...I feel so useless."
Slender arms wrapped around him, and Beast Boy stiffened. Raven was hugging him. Him. Of all people. It was almost too much to bear, and for some idiotic reason, Beast Boy started crying. Perhaps it was due to the pendulum of emotions batting back and forth, or maybe the relief of finally letting it all out, but either way the tears flowed relentlessly and the changeling sobbed into Raven's shoulder.
Eventually, he calmed down and Raven handed him a tissue. He took it gratefully and blew his nose. A sudden yawn broke free, and for the first time that night, Beast Boy felt exhausted.
"Here," Raven murmured, ripping the sheets from her bed. "You can just...sleep here."
He blinked tiredly, unsure of how to respond. Was she really offering to let him stay? He was answered by Raven gently grabbing his wrist, guiding him under the covers. Upon hitting the pillow, his heavy eyelids fell closed, and he sighed almost contentedly.
"Stay on your side," Raven said. But Beast Boy barely heard her, already drifting off to sleep.
Beast Boy stood in his room.
Truthfully, it had been awhile since he'd been there. He'd been sleeping in Ravens room for the past week. It was strange at first, he had to admit, but the empath somehow managed to have a calming effect on him. He had no nightmares while in her room, and had slept peacefully for the first time in months. She was like the glue that pieced him back together, and Beast Boy was forever indebted to her.
He sighed. Raven was gone on a mission, an overnight one that required her expertise in the magical arts. She was off halfway across the country, and he was on his own. It was a little scary, as he was just starting to feel better, for real, and was afraid of relapsing. What if the nightmares came back?
Beast Boy shook his head. He'd be fine. It was just a dream anyway.
With a sigh, he stripped his uniform off and tugged on a pair of athletic shorts. He climbed into bed and under his covers, only to toss and turn.
It wasn't that he couldn't sleep; his body was begging to slip into the rem cycle. But fear clutched him, keeping him awake. He couldn't bear to have those nightmares again, he just couldn't. They were too real, too painful.
With a groan, he stumbled out of bed and into the hallway, determined to roam until he dropped from exhaustion. His feet carried him to Raven's room, a reflex it seemed. He stared stupidly at her door before turning to wander into the ops room.
"Beast Boy?"
He froze in the doorway, his gaze locking with that of his leader. The masked detective sat at a table surrounded by papers and coffee, the low light of his laptop illuminating his face. Beast Boy chuckled nervously, wavering in the doorway.
"Hey, Rob."
"Why are you still awake?"
Beast Boy flinched. "Uh..." For some reason, his mind blanked. The thing about Beast Boy, was that he was good at pretending, and very good at thinking on his feet. He had to be, in order to figure out what animal could best serve him in any given situation. Battles were like that; he often had to make a quick decision without even thinking and hope it wouldn't kill him. He was excellent at this, and it enabled him to play the happy teammate despite all that was wrong.
And yet, standing there in the doorway, his mind was a blank canvas, void of even a sketch.
"Well, do you wanna help with paperwork? I'm up to my eyeballs in this stuff." Robin gestured to the piles around him, grinning sheepishly. Beast Boy nodded stiffly, seeing no way out of his current predicament. He hesitantly approached, choosing the seat furthest from Robin, and began silently filling out the paperwork. It was typical stuff; insurance claims, criminal cases, agreements with local law enforcement, and other legal jargon typed away onto stacks upon stacks of crisp white pages. It was mind-numbing work, and Beast Boy was soon bleary eyed and on the brink of passing out.
Robin's communicator started ringing, jolting Beast Boy from his stupor. The Boy Wonder flipped it open, raising a brow.
"Yeah?"
"We need you to run a name."
Raven's voice drifted to his sensitive ears, and Beast Boy found himself leaning forward.
"What's the name?"
There was a pause. "Gideon Johnson."
Robin's gaze cut to Beast Boy. "Can you type that in the database?" he asked. Beast Boy nodded, pulling the laptop to him. He started up the database and started typing, mute under Robin's watchful stare.
"Who are you talking to?"
Robin glanced back at his communicator. "Beast Boy. He's helping me with paperwork." There was silence after that, and Beast Boy bit his lip as he searched for Raven's suspect. He got a few hits, turning the laptop back to Robin, and sat twiddling his thumbs as they discussed possibilities for Raven's case.
Their conversation came to a close, and Robin was about to shut his communicator off, when Raven spoke again.
"Can...can I talk to Beast Boy?"
The Titan leader shot him a quizzical glance, but shrugged. "Sure." He handed Beast Boy the device, returning to typing on his laptop. Beast Boy scooted out of his chair and padded towards the hallway, his gaze dropping to Raven's face on the screen.
"Hey, Rae."
The door clicked safely behind him, and they were alone. Raven peered at him through the screen, her expression painted with concern.
"Is everything okay?"
He sighed. "Yeah, I just...I'm scared." It was weird admitting it aloud, but Raven made talking so surprisingly easy. "I don't want the nightmares to come back." He leaned against a nearby wall, clutching the communicator so tight, he feared it might break. Raven hummed quietly on her end.
"Where's your communicator?"
Beast Boy shot her a puzzled look. "My room."
"Get it. I'll call you." The screen went black, and Beast Boy stared for a moment. He shook his head and pushed off the wall, returning to the ops room briefly to give Robin the communicator back before hurrying to his room to fetch his. He snatched it just in the nick of time, scrambling to push the answer button. Raven's face appeared once more, and he couldn't help but grin.
"Hey."
They talked, mostly about mundane things, until he finally drifted off to sleep, still clutching the yellow device.
The cave loomed up above him, the rocky outcroppings leering down at him. Beast Boy gulped, staring apprehensive at the yawning mouth.
For the first time in six months, Beast Boy was finally visiting the cave.
In his hands quivered a bouquet of fresh roses, to replace the originals. He'd been standing here for over twenty minutes, staring, which he supposed was better than not coming at all. A hand squeezed his shoulder, and Beast Boy turned to see Raven's gentle gaze.
"Do you want me to come?"
He shook his head. "No, that's okay." The fact that this was something he needed to do alone went unsaid. They both understood that fact, but Raven's offer was still comforting nonetheless. Beast Boy steeled himself, taking a deep breath. "Okay. I'll...I'll be back." He slipped from Raven's grasp then, striding with shaking legs towards the entrance of the cave.
It was dark.
Dark shadows swallowed the rocky pathway, and it took a minute for his eyes to adjust. The cave looked relatively the same; dark and wet, full of the slowly moving lifeforms that called this cave their home. The differences didn't start until halfway down, when the rocks grew smoother and backer; the remnants of dried lava. Before long, the tunnel opened up, and Beast Boy walked into the cavern that had once changed his life forever.
She looked the same.
Her pretty face was forever carved in an expression of intense concentration and possibly pain, her arms outstretched from when she used her powers to halt the lava. Beast Boy paused at the foot of her entombed body, clutching the new bouquet in a death grip.
"Hey, Terra."
Time blurred down in the cave. Beast Boy spent the next hours laughing, crying, and talking. He told her everything that had happened to him in the past months, how low he had been. He told her about the criminals, the fights, and the nights spent crying in the arms of the empath. He told her how much he missed her, and how proud of her he was.
And then he left.
The weight Beast Boy had carried for so long finally fell away as he stepped back out into the sunshine. Terra was gone. He couldn't change that, no one could. Terra was gone, but he was still here, and Beast Boy was finally ready to start living, really living again. He walked over to Raven, who stood resolutely by a tree nearby.
"How do you feel?" she asked quietly. Beast Boy smiled.
"I feel...great."
Hand in hand, they walked away. Beast Boy cast one final glance at the cave.
Goodbye Terra.
The cave slowly disappeared from view behind them, and with it, the pain of his loss and broken heart.
Author's Note:
Wow. This was crazy to write, it just poured from me. I don't know whee the angst came from, so don't ask. Anyway, I'm going to do a part two about Raven, so stay tuned. (I'm marking this complete since it's not a chapter story, but I am working on the next part.)
Thanks for the support!
-vixensheart