Gibberings: I love Terminator, this show just gets better all the time. I've had several discussions about this scene but in the end this is what I think happened...
Major Spoilers: The Towers are Tall but The Fall is Short 2x06
Betaed by the amazing Greenleofiend
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The therapy room was warm and pleasant. The couch was incredibly soft. John didn't know why it bothered him so much. Sitting there in a setting that was the essence of normal and healthy, made him feel so incredibly not.
_-_-_
John sat cross legged in his room cleaning a revolver. Sarah kept a trunk of them in her room, but he generally avoided them when he had a choice. At least he had until a few weeks before. The day Sarah forgot his birthday he took a gun from her stash and never put it back. It seemed careless to not be prepared. Being afraid kept you vigilant on the good days, but it kept you alive on the bad.
Somehow cleaning it helped him relax. He wondered what Riley would have to say about that.
His smile faded along with the memory of her. She was just one more person that would never know who he was. Never know the things he'd done.
John shut his eyes against the memory. Cameron, Derek…even they didn't know. He'd saved two lives—his own, his mother's—maybe the world, but it didn't change anything. On the day he turned sixteen he'd killed a man, like a twisted rite of passage.
He put the cold barrel against his jaw, felt the metal on his hot skin. If suicide was the ultimate act of selfishness, what then was it when John Connor ended his life? Would it really be gift wrapping the world for the machines?
Truly they didn't know. They couldn't. Because he had never died, they had never seen a world without John Connor. They could only guess at the outcome. Who was to say someone else wouldn't come along? Like Derek…or Bedell?
His hands started to shake.
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, aiming the piece away from his cheek. He pulled the trigger and pain exploded in him as it ran across his jawbone, breaking the glass on its way out.
He stared wide eyed at the hole. The gun was loaded? Adrenaline pounded in his ears as he became frighteningly aware of himself.
The door being jerked open was the first thing that reminded him he wasn't alone. He looked up at Derek, Sarah and Cameron. Each ready and willing to give their life for him in a heart beat, and he felt more ashamed than he ever had before.
He needed help, and he needed it fast.