Do you ever feel lost? Like you can't escape and the world is just beating down on you. You have no where to go, and you're always have to hide who you are. Like nothing is good enough and no matter what you do or how much you give it will never ever be enough? One day it will be enough. One day everything will make sense and it will be okay. Everything will be okay.. everything will fall into place, everything will work out.. so my therapist says. She sits across from me writing down notes as I speak. She says "mhm" and "how do you feel". I can only roll my eyes at her and let out a sigh. Who is she to judge me, even though she says she's not. I place my hands over my eyes and slide lower into the chair. She calls out my name but I don't reply I sink even lower. I stand up and grab my bag and jet out of the office. I feel as if I can't breath, as If I was suffocating. I heard my name being yelled but I don't turn back. I finally make it out and I can breath again. I tighten my jacket around me as I start walking towards 6th ave. I shake off the cold and glance around. Another day with out sun i shudder as the temperature feels as If it lowers. Who does she think she is I think back to our conversation, she thinks she can analyze me I'm still lost in my thoughts as I enter the coffee shop. She doesn't know what I've been through. "How I can help you?" The blond asks as she shoots me smile. I kindly smile back and order a black coffee. "Name?" She looks up from the coffee cup. "Ashley" is all I reply as I slide her a 5 dollar bill. "Keep the change" I mumble as I slide away from the counter. I can see her smile from the side of my eye. I finally get my coffee and heads towards the back and grab a table. I sit there for awhile watching the people come in and out, with their families, their kids, their friends. Enjoying life as they should. I can only help but wonder what its like.. to be happy like them. To enjoy life. I sip my coffee and continue people watching. My concentration breaks as my iPhone goes off. I see the caller ID and choose to ignore it. I don't need that in my life right now, another lecture, to be told it is all going to be okay when I know it won't be. I sigh again and take one more sip of coffee before bundling up to face the cold again. I grab my things and head out, I turn around one more time to see if I can catch a glimpse of her smile, and she doesn't fail me. There she is smiling. It helps me get through my day. I hear my phone go off again and again I choose to ignore it. Some people just can't seem to get the hint. I slide my phone back into my pocket and head back home.
Before I can even get through he door my mom rushes me. "You left early, AGAIN!" She looks at me with disappointment. I don't know what to say.. I sit there for a second. "I'm sorry" is the only thing that comes to my mind. "You're sorry?" She is still blocking my path to my room. I shrug. My mind goes blank. "Don't you want help sweetie?" She rubs my shoulder. She doesn't understand. "Obviously I do" I say with frustration and make my way past her. I can't deal with this. I finally get to my room and don't even bother taking off my jacket as I slide into bed. I must have dozed off because when I wake up its already nightfall. I turn to the side and the clock reads 12:00am. I let out another sigh as I sit up. I sit alone with my darkest thoughts as they creep around my mind, playing image after image, thought after thought over and over again. I try and make it stop but it doesn't. I want an escape. I want it to go away. But it doesn't, the thoughts torture me like they do every night and before I know it I'm in tears rocking my self back and forth. "Everything will be okay" I hear my therapists voice in my head, and I try to hold onto that as the demons inside me are trying to break me down.
Hmm. Haven't wrote in sooo long! Honest opinions?