Title: Things She'll Never Say
Summary: "If I could say what I wanna say / If I could say what I wanna see / Guess I'm wishing my life away / With these things I'll never say..."
Spoilers: Bloodlines; episodes where Grissom can't spit it out... I think it's good beyond that. Oh and seeing as I've mentioned Bloodlines and her DUI, I guess this takes place the Christmas of season five.
Disclaimer: I own it. Pure and simple. Duh. But I DON'T own Avril's song. That's hers. CSI is mine, though.
Author's Note: I'm back, dolls! I hope you all like this one, because I worked on it pretty hard. Took it to work and edited it on my break and everything. I have about five or six others started, but I was quite compelled to finish this one for some reason, so I hope you'll respect my efforts. It's to Avril Lavigne's "Things I'll Never Say" if you didn't see that from the summary. Read and enjoy! And don't forget to review, either.
Things She'll Never Say
"Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bells swing and Jingle Bells ring, Snowing, and blowing up bushels of fun, Now the Jingle hop has begun…" Greg sang loudly, drunk and off-key.
It was late December, and the Crime Lab was having its annual Christmas party, one week before the big day. And as per usual, Sara had been forced to dress up and participate in the "festivities," as Catherine called them. She was uncomfortable at parties, and Catherine knew that. Hell, everyone knew that. So why she was forced to be here, she did not know.
She saw Grissom from across the room, looking just as uncomfortable as she felt. She grabbed a drink from one of the many tables housing them, and ran a hand through her hair as Grissom caught her gaze, and began to make his way across the room to her.
"I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes, I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, I'm searching for the words inside my head. I'm feeling nervous, Trying to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, You're worth it, Yeah..."
She knew it was too late to run now, since he was almost in front of her. She suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed to him, partly because of the push-up bra Catherine had almost violently put her in, and her small alcohol consumption was making her head feel a bit fuzzy.
He smiled as he approached her. The smile was one she was no longer accustomed to getting from him. It was from years ago, when they used to be friends. She supposed it was the alcohol controlling his actions, and that made her heart ache, knowing it meant nothing, and she shouldn't look too deeply into it.
"If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight. If I could say what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down on one knee, Marry me today. Guess I'm wishing my life away, With these things I'll never say..."
Sara gave a small, sad smile in return. "Wanna ask me if I'm drunk?" she teased, holding her glass up.
Grissom shook his head. "No need. I know you well enough to know that you're not. I've been watching you all night. This is only your second, and it takes more than two to get you drunk. I'm not worried."
Sara blushed deeply, embarrassed and ashamed; because of her DUI, he was monitoring her alcohol consumption at a work party. Feeling a hell of a lot more self-conscious than she had been a minute ago, she nervously ran a hand through her hair again, this time messing up the well-crafted curls Catherine had put in.
Grissom chuckled slightly. "Catherine isn't going to be very happy with you…"
Scared now that Catherine would kill her, she dug around in her small clutch for her compact mirror. Once she found it, she rather forcibly flipped it open to inspect the damage she had inflicted on herself. Groaning and swearing under her breath, she deemed it unfixable without the use of a bigger mirror, and excused herself to the ladies room, the one place Grissom could not get to her.
Before she'd gotten the chance to get away though, Grissom caught her wrist in a gentle hold. "Sara don't go. It doesn't look bad at all. And even if it did, I wouldn't care, and I don't think Catherine would notice, at this particular moment in time. She's too drunk."
Sure enough, Catherine was, on the other side of the room, giggling like the drunk she was. It made Sara laugh, and feel a little more relaxed.
She turned back to Grissom, who gave her a smile that made her insides melt and made her feel giddy. He let go of her hand and said, "You look beautiful."
"It don't do me any good, It's just a waste of time. What use is it to you what's on my mind, If it ain't coming out, we're not going anywhere, So why can't I just tell you that I care. 'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Trying to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, You're worth it, Yeah..."
Sara stared at him, wishing she could figure out how to tell him that he was beautiful too, and how much she loved it when he complimented her like that. Compliments that could make her feel like anything was possible, that "they" were possible. But then she realized it was just a slip of the tongue for him, and that he would never really say these things, and her hopes faded. She felt her high recede, and the ever-present cloud of darkness around her heart take its place, killing that one hopeful ray of sunshine that had pushed its way through.
Feeling self-conscious again, she began to play with the sleeve of her shirt, a nervous habit she'd picked up as a child.
Looking at him, she knew he wasn't perfect to mostly everybody, but he was perfect to her, in every way he was imperfect to others. She liked him the way he was, and wished he could see that, and accept it.
"If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight. If I could say what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down one knee, Marry me today. Guess I'm wishing my life away, With these things I'll never say..."
A sudden awkward silence fell over them, and Sara seemed to have lost the ability to form words and sentences properly. She tried several times, but all she was able to come up with were mumbled words and half finished sentences.
"I… we – you and I… Griss, we…"
Finally she was able to string words together and said, "Be right back. I just have to go to the washroom, and freshen up, just in case she notices."
Grissom shrugged and nodded, drink still in hand. "I'll be waiting."
OoOoOoOoO
"What's wrong with my tongue, These words keep slippin' away. I stutter, I stumble, Like I've got nothing to say... 'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Trying to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, You're worth it, Yeah..."
In the bathroom, Sara stared at herself in the mirror, confused as to why she suddenly couldn't talk. Just a moment ago, she'd been having a… well, she and Grissom had been talking, and no one had blown up at the other yet, so it was going well for a change. She didn't want to mess it up because she couldn't remember the last time they had spoken this long without turning it into a fight. Sighing to herself, she took a deep breath and headed out the door.
OoOoOoOoO
Re-entering the party, Sara saw that Grissom was right where she had left him, waiting patiently, like he'd stand there forever, if she asked him to. He was talking to the Doc and his wife, completely absorbed in the conversation.
Dr. Robbins noticed her after a minute or two of conversation, and waved her over. She approached, feeling like she was intruding.
"Am I interrupting?" she asked.
"Not at all," Doc answered, sliding a hand into his wife's. "We were just heading home, weren't we, dear?"
Sara didn't miss the twinkle in his eyes as he stared pointedly at his wife.
"Of course we were. Good to see you again, Gil, Sara."
They both waved, and in a moment, they were alone. Grissom turned his attention to her, and she felt exposed again. The need to go somewhere with him, somewhere… more private welled up in her, and she couldn't ignore it.
"Griss… do you want to go for a walk?"
"But, the party…?"
"We'll come back. Promise."
He nodded, and followed her out of the lab, into the chilly night.
OoOoOoOoO
Sara led them to a nearby park, where couples strolled hand in hand, or huddled together, fighting the cold with their partner's heat.
Grissom sat down on a bench, and patted the spot next to him. "What's this all about, Sara?"
She sat down and turned to him. "I wanted to… talk."
"Okay. What about?"
"I – well, about… We – I mean –" She cursed herself silently. Again with the not being able to speak! What's wrong with me? I can always talk around him. I usually over-talk. Am I turning into him? She sighed heavily.
"Guess I'm wishing my life away, With these things I'll never say. If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight. If I could say what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down on one knee, Marry me today..."
She didn't know how to put what she wanted, what she needed from him, into words. There were physical ways she could show him, but chances of him responding positively to them were slim. She stared off into space, thinking, trying to figure out a way to explain.
"Sara?" His hand was on hers, warming it. "You said you had something to say…?"
Tears welled in her eyes as the realization that she was still not strong enough to talk to him about what she wanted them to become overcame her, and she stood from the bench, unable to talk to him about anything now. She just didn't have the courage to.
"Never mind, Griss. I… just, never mind."
"But Sara…" he said, standing with her. "Wait… talk to me. Tell me what you need to, what you wanted to."
Sara shook her head as she began to walk away, towards her home, away from him. "I don't feel like talking. Not today, not right now. Just forget about it, okay?"
She heard his footsteps slowly recede into silence as he realized she needed to be alone. And as they faded into silence, Sara whispered sadly to herself, "Those things I'll never say…" Her voice had taken on a quiet song-like lilt to it, and the words floated into the air, allowing for only the birds to hear.
"Guess I'm wishing my life away, With these things I'll never say, With these things I'll never say…"
-End-