Title: Half-Mast

Summary: My thoughts as to what each of the officers of the 55th might have been thinking at the end of 'Superheroes'

This is a piece of fan fiction. It is written for pleasure and not for profit. The characters of Bosco, Faith, Davis, Sully, Doc, Kim, Jimmy, Alex, Carlos, Gusler, Ross and Sgt. Christopher are all property of Third Watch and NBC, John Wells, etc etc.

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird; I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

************
Officer Ty Davis:

Was I too harsh on Sully? Why didn't he just listen to me? Why did he let his anger get the better of him? Doesn't he trust me yet? Doesn't he know that I'd follow him into hell and cover him if that's what he asked? Doesn't he know me well enough to know that in any situation I would willingly take a bullet for him? Die for him? He should have waited. He should have called for backup. He should have listened to reason, to me. Why didn't he just wait? Was he so consumed by anger and rage that he forgot sense and reason? Was he so blinded by justice that he forgot moral sense? I don't get it man. I just don't understand what went wrong today!

And Alex. Why didn't I just tell my mom about her right then and there. I could see her face, the pain, the worry, the relief. I mean it if was the other way around I'd be worried as hell. And women worry more. And I brushed it off as nothing. I could see her face when I pulled my hand away, the look of hurt, of pain, of disappointment. One of the guys? What was I thinking? Was I thinking my mom wouldn't like her? My mom would like Alex. And even if she didn't, does that matter? Isn't the fact that I like her supposed to be enough? Isn't love supposed to transcend those superficial racial boundaries? I guess today proved it doesn't.
************

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

************
Officer John Sullivan:

Oh my god what happened today? I lost my temper, I nearly lost my partner and I probably lost my wife. And for what? To prove to everyone that I can take on anyone and nothing will happen? That I can withstand any attack that I am forced to witness and try to better it? That just because I have been on this job longer than many that I automatically know how to react perfectly in every situation? I have never let anger control my life, why today? Why did anger get the better of me? Sure we walked into an ambush, but if I had listened this all wouldn't have happened like it did. Ty wouldn't have been shot. What did I have to prove today? Ty was right. Tatiana was right. I was wrong. I should have called for backup. Of course Davis would be there to back me up. I have no doubt. How often do I tell him? How often do I prove to him that I trust him with my life? How often to I show him that he is much more than just a partner to me? That he is I my friend! I nearly lost him today. And what if I did? What if I wasn't able to get him to the hospital in time? What if the shooting continued? What if the bullet struck someplace else? Like with Ross? What would I have done then? What reason would I have given to his mother? To my boss? To my friends? To myself? And for what? To take orders from a madman? Today I let another man dictate my actions; I let Cherchenko tell me what to do. When I took this job it was with the sworn duty to serve and protect. But to serve the people of New York, not one man. To serve the innocent not condemn them. But I gave in and now I'm alone once again. Alone in the dark, with the thoughts that today I failed.

And Tatiana. I failed her today most of all. When I married her I took a vow, 'forsaking all others'. That means more than just other women. Today I failed her and now she's gone. Gone where? I can't even send protection against a madman for her. I should have listened to her. I should have heard what she was really trying to say. She loves me, cares about me, obviously she's going to be worried. And I pushed it aside as if I knew better, as if it was nothing. I don't know everything about the system, how it works and how it fails. And I can't read people like I like to think I can. My duty was to her. Sure Sergei is an ingrate. But he's still her son, her blood, her life. And today I came between that. What happens if she dies? How in the world will I live with that? With that bloodguilt? With that failure? Today I took it upon myself to go above and beyond that, to go above and beyond the normal human boundaries. Today I failed in my job. Not as a New York City police officer, but as a husband and father. And although I did somewhat fail in my duty as an officer to protect my partner, my real obligation was to my family; to my wife and I failed. How in the hell can I do something simple like my job when I can't even manage something complicated like my life? My home? My future? Myself?
********

It may sound absurd; but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed; but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Officer Faith Yokas:

Today I killed a man. I didn't ask why. I didn't stop to ask why. I just fired. Then I just walked away like it was nothing. I saw my partner run and my instincts; my soul told me to protect him. Oh Bosco I just couldn't let you sacrifice yourself and not be there with you, I just couldn't take the risk of losing you without trying to help, watching you die and not be alongside. Lose you to a madman for no reason. My life would be empty without you there. I try to tell you, but just can't find the words. I try to show I care, but can seem to do it properly. I'm so afraid of losing you Bosco, that I didn't even think about Gusler, I just ran, I didn't think about getting myself killed I just had to protect you. I didn't stop to think that Gusler wasn't ready for this kind of situation. I just knew to run. Run to Bosco, firing as I did. Taking a life as I did. Killing a man as I did. He's my partner, my duty was to him, my obligation was to protect him. And I did. Didn't I? I just couldn't lose him. I couldn't.

But I also killed another man today. I might not have pulled the trigger or pushed him out the window, but I might as well have. I talked him into putting his life at risk. I persuaded him to get involved when from the start he didn't want to. I thought I knew better. I thought I could protect him. I thought it would end and be done with. I was wrong. I never thought how it would affect him until it was too late, until Ross's death showed me the gravity of the situation, until Cherchenko laughed in my face. He didn't commit suicide, I killed him. I wonder what he thought when they came into his apartment? I wonder what he thought when they threw his harmless old body to its death out the window of his home? The one place he thought he was safe. I wonder whose name he cursed just before he hit the car, as he flew through the air? Was he dead on impact? If not, how long did he live, lying there slowly dying, in agony? What did he think? Who did he blame? People saw him lying there, heard the alarm, and no one saw anything! No one called for help, just like he in the beginning. Just before he died who did he blame?

Today I killed a man, his suffering is over, but my suffering is only just beginning.
********

Up, up and away; away from me
It's all right; You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy; or anything

Officer Maurice Boscorelli:

Ross is dead! How the hell did that happen? I never thought he was at danger, at risk. I never thought that my actions might have brought about his death. Did I kill him? But what if I stayed also? Would I also be dead? The more I look at the diagram before me the more I realize what really happened today. Today Ross died! But how? Who pulled the trigger? Who fired the shot? Oh god tell me it wasn't Faith, please let her be spared this pain and sorrow. Tell me she won't have to live with that, Ross's death at her hands, a mistake! But I don't know who killed him, I didn't see. I was too busy trying to draw attention to myself by doing the unthinkable. Even Ross told me I was nuts. Did I listen? Do I ever listen? Am I really the Midas man? Is everything I touch really condemned?

I thanked Faith. What else could I do? She was there for me, like she always is, always has been, and probably always will be. She ran into automatic weapon fire just to save my butt. And what did I do to deserve it? What do I ever do to deserve her affection? Her protection? Her kindness? It wasn't her job to run after me, she did it because she cares. How the hell does a guy contemplate that? How the hell does a guy live with the fact that someone actually believes that his life is worth more than their own? That's what Faith showed me today. She showed me that if I was going to get shot and die, she'd be right there with me. How do I live with that?

And Ross. I hardly new him and now he's dead. I had his blood on my face and hands. I can still feel his body heat as he lay there dying, perhaps already dead when I found him. I tried to help him, tried to breath life back into him, but it was no use. He was gone, is gone. He gave his life so that my heroics could be witnessed. He gave his life because I thought that I knew better and that it would give him a chance to take them down. But the more I look at this diagram before me the more I realize that I might have been wrong. I'm alive and Ross is now just a mark on a blackboard, an x in a diagram of death, a memory in a bunch of failed superheroes. I look back and forth on the diagram, back and forth, back and forth. My head is starting to hurt, the pain in my heart is growing. Ross is dead! I was wrong today; he did teach me something, I did learn something from him. Life is precious and once it's gone, no matter how much you beg, plead or bargain, once it's gone it's gone. Oh god, I'm alive today, what can I say?
************

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

************
Officer Steven Gusler:

What happened today? What the hell happened today? I have never experienced a day like today. Is this what this job is all about? Yokas killed a guy and just walked away like it was all in the line of duty, like it was nothing. Boscorelli ran into automatic weapons fire like it was nothing. Can I do that? Can I just take a life and pretend nothing happened? Today I gave into the one thing I was told could never factor into this job, fear of man. I saw my partner run into the line of fire to help a friend. And I froze. I didn't offer any help. Ross took his man giving his life in the process. I didn't. I gave into fear and weakness. Yokas said she wasn't going to tell; why is that? Sorrow? Pity? Shame? Today I gave into fear of man, the one thing I am never supposed to display on the job. Today I failed the system, I failed my partner, and I failed myself.

Today I quit!
************

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me…
Inside of me…

Officer Benny Ross:

**Peace at Last**
************

I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
Only a man looking for a dream
I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

It's not easy… to be… me…

END
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