AN: This chapter is a little intro to the story. Katniss is just contemplating her new life and the problems that will potentially arise with it: basically, just thinking to herself. Future chapters will not be as wrapped up in her head.
Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me.
And he was. Peeta. The boy- the boyfriend?-who I had spent weeks trying to survive with. Attempting to protect and help. In that arena, Peeta was the only person who was there for me. Even when he was with the Careers, he was secretly protecting me. I could trust him with my life- I had needed to. Nevertheless, the Arena is not real life. What one does in times of desperation does not reveal one's true thoughts. Or does it? Peeta loved me- this I am sure of. Well, I am sure that he loved me.
But what of Gale? Gale, the boy who I had known for years, who helped me survive in a different way. What was our relationship? I cared for him. He was my best friend, no doubt in my mind that our feelings in that department were reciprocal. However, did I love him? Do I love him now? Hell, does he even love me?
Not that love matters. I am never going to get married and have children. If I did, I would leave the Districts in a heartbeat. I would take Prim, my mother, and Gale-or Peeta? - with me. No way would I wait for my child to be born in this grisly culture.
Before the Games, I assumed the Capitol was decent overall. I foolishly thought that they just wanted to scare off another rebellion. It's much more than that. The games are gruesome beyond belief. I knew that beforehand, but experiencing death and near death, multiple times a day really provides a sense of unbeknownst knowledge. There ARE other ways to control "insurgences". Other ways than killing innocent children. It is wretched that no one has ever tried a rebellion since. Isn't standing around doing nothing- waiting for your child's, sister's, friend's name to be arbitrarily pulled- just as excruciating as dying whilst standing up for your rights and beliefs? I think so. Not that I would EVER say these words aloud. Not even to Gale.. Not even to Peeta. Not that either are speaking to me at the moment..
I still am not certain what the Capitol is thinking. Sure, it's been weeks since the final interview and nothing threatening has occurred, yet. However, if there is one thing that I have learned since being tormented in that Arena, it's that the Capitol cannot be trusted. In fact, very few people can be trusted...
I worry way too much now. So much has changed. Even hunting rabbits has caused torment. Prim tried comforting me, telling me we do not need the meat anymore since I was rewarded for the Games. However, as I said, I do not, nor never will, rely on or have faith in the Capitol. They make all the rules, and, therefore, can change them. At this point, it would not surprise me if next year they declare that previous victors are not exempt from the Reaping.
I must admit, I succumb to the anguish brought on by the hunt, hoping that I see Gale in our woods or hill or in the places where we ate our game and mocked Effie. The sites where he taught me how to set snares and I deftly showed him how to use a bow. Most importantly, I remember us confiding in each other. Gale had no problem expressing his opinions of the Capitol—opinions which I now share—with me knowing it was treason. I felt safe with him for the first time since I lost my father. Now I haven't seen him in weeks.
Honestly, I also hunt as a form of penance. Yes, obviously, hunting brings back the memories: the screams of Rue, muttations mounting the cornucopia, starvation, thirst, heat, cold. I still sense the horror I felt when I believed Peeta's death was unavoidable. I punish myself for two reasons. One- I killed many people those weeks. Yes, the Capitol is largely to blame, but I was the cause of many people's deaths. Indirect cause of who knows how many. Had I died before I saw Rue in that tree, she could still be alive. Hell, even my "enemies" were children- none older than 18. Why were they considered evil? Because they wanted to survive just as I did? Because they were forced into this lifestyle through no fault of their own? Why did I survive? I hunt to remind myself that what I did was wrong- even if society accepts it. Murder for amusement is wrong and must be stopped.
Secondly, I hunt for, again, a petty reason: Gale. I hurt his feelings badly, that is obvious to me now. I kissed Peeta on national TV, without considering the consequences. Yes, I did it to survive and to help my friend live. Would do it again in a heartbeat. But did I have to flaunt it to such an extent in those days after the games ended? Worse, did I truly love Peeta as Gale insisted on that first day I saw him?
Why are such trivial things of importance to me? I have changed so much since after the Games. I'm still not sure if this transformation is for the better, or if it will end up being the metaphoric (or perhaps literal) death of me.