A/N: I'm still working on "Bound and Determined", but I needed to unload. It's been a really rough week.
Why? That's the question of the day. I find myself asking it when I'm barely aware that my mind has wandered there again. Were things really that bad? Did you really want it all to end? Or did you just want to take a step back? To have your current world dissolve into something more comfortable and familiar. I know you can't actually answer any of these questions for me. I'm not sure you could have for yourself at the time.
It just boggles my mind. I can't grasp the idea that life was so bad that you didn't want it to continue. Admittedly life hasn't been easy for any of us. We're all struggling to make ends meet. But I guess for me I'd never want to give it up no matter how rough things got.
I know I haven't seen you in a really long time, but that doesn't mean this is going to affect me any less. I felt connected to you. I felt we had a secret in common. Nothing illicit or extreme. Just one of those essences of life things. A way of being… of existing. Almost like an in-joke that we never actually admitted to out loud. After this though, I'm feeling foolish for ever entertaining the idea. We weren't on the same page. We couldn't have been for you to do this. I can't imagine ever taking my own life. I would fight tooth and nail for every second afforded to me.
I don't know what to say anymore. I feel heavy, knowing you'll never be able to defend what you did. Ron asked me at dinner tonight what the seven stages of grief were. I honestly couldn't remember. Me. I couldn't remember something. He listed off the ones he knew.
"Guilt. Anger. Acceptance."
"Denial." It was out of my mouth before I could even stop it. I haven't even had the drive to go and research what the other stages are. When have I ever been lack luster about research?
I'm having a hard time accepting this. It was just a job. You would have found another one. And to let your family… your wife find you that way… It's just cruel. A part of me can't help but hope you were too far gone to even consider what this would do to her… to them.
I'll miss you. I miss you. It shouldn't have ended this way. You should have had years… decades more of being a pompous git.