So this is a one shot reflection on Kirsten's thoughts as she is stripping the bed in the Poolhouse after Ryan leaves. I am assuming at this point that she has not discovered that Seth has also left.
MothertimeShe stripped the bed of its sheets and drew them up to her face. She breathed in the smell,
Ryan's smell, teenage boy, soap, deodorant, shampoo. She hadn't anticipated this wave
of grief that engulfed her.
She sat, hugging the sheets to her like a child hugs a security blanket, and let the tears fall.
This abandoned boy, this young man, whom she had so bitterly resisted getting to know
twelve months ago, had stolen her heart.
She knew why she had resisted. This boy could have been her child, the child she gave up
all those years ago. He was a little young admittedly, only Seth's age, but he always
seemed older, more knowing, more adult. And her child, for some reason she'd always
thought of it as a boy, would only have been a couple of years older.
She'd never been able to tell Sandy about the baby. The secret had sat in the pit of her
stomach for months afterwards, until it had turned into a dull ache in her heart. She'd
always thought she'd done the right thing. And she still thought so, even told Theresa so.
But that didn't take away the pain of knowing what she'd lost.
And now, here she was again, reliving her nightmares and losing another child. Because
Ryan was her child now. Despite her best intentions, keeping her distance, letting Sandy
be the parent, she had gradually let those barriers down, and so had he, and he had fitted
into their family in a way she would have thought would be impossible.
When Sandy had brought Ryan home that first night she'd been horrified. She was proud
of Sandy and the difference he tried to make in these kids lives. But that didn't give him
the right to start dragging them off the streets into her home. Her life was evenly
balanced, carefully planned and thought out. Perfect in every way. There was no room
for unpredictability or sudden change. And this kid had unpredictability written all over
him.
Hadn't she been proved right after the first night, when Seth had come home drunk and
battered and bruised?
Hadn't she been proved right when he burned down the Model Home?
She had tried so hard to show Sandy how mad she had been. Their relationship at the
time, not so perfect she now realized, was already strained by the presence of Jimmy and
Rachel. She didn't want this kid to be part of their lives. She wanted him back in Chino
where he belonged, with his own mother and his own family. She didn't want to share
hers.
But Sandy and Seth were a powerful force when they got together and Seth, with his
constant berating, had won her over like he always could. She doubted if Ryan would
ever have returned to them if Seth had not insisted, pestered and threatened her to take
him to Juvie to see Ryan.
She remembered the aggression and tension in the visiting hall, testosterone hanging
heavily in the air. In his faded blue jump suit, he'd looked smaller than most, and
although he'd hidden it well, she knew he was scared. That was why it had touched her
so when he'd tried to defend her, this kid with nothing, had put his life on the line out of
loyalty to her. She wasn't sure even Seth would have done that for her.
And from that moment on, she'd treated him like her own. At first she had focused on his
physical needs, new clothes, schoolbooks, feeding him enough. Because she could do
that easily, and it required no emotional investment from her.
But then it had changed. After Dawn had abandoned him for a second time, she could no
longer hold him at a distance. She would forever be haunted by the look in his eyes as
his mother got into the taxi that last time he'd seen her. No matter how many times she
mulled that scene over and over in her mind, she just could not grasp how his mother
could do what she did. Now she knew Ryan better, she understood even less. What had
made this woman leave an insecure but also loving, bright child alone?
She had begun to treat him like she treated Seth. Wanting to know about his schoolwork,
how he was getting along at soccer and hurting along with him when Marissa dumped
him and he was suspended from school.
When Theresa had announced she was pregnant, and it was obvious that Ryan was a
contender for father, she felt she'd let him down. She should have been more forceful
with Sandy when she'd stumbled upon him and Marissa making out in the Pool house.
She should have made sure he had the knowledge he needed to avoid a situation like this.
She'd agreed with Sandy at the time, that Ryan looked like he knew what he was doing.
But she should have reminded herself that he was a teenage boy, a boy with raging
hormones who would not always think with his head.
She shouldn't have tried to forget about it because it was uncomfortable to talk about to a
teenage boy. And not even your own teenage boy at that.
When Ryan had returned with Seth last night from the beach, she could tell immediately
that something had happened between them. Seth would barely acknowledge Ryan as he
headed off for bed. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were full of hurt. Ryan had
hung his head low, avoiding everyone's eyes. But when Seth had disappeared he'd
spoken very quietly, hesitantly.
"I need to talk to you guys"
Sandy had quickly drawn up some chairs at the table and they had sat down, the three of
them.
"I need to go back." He put it as simply as he could. He never wasted words.
Sandy had done his best to talk sense into him. They'd argued, cajoled, threatened, but
none of it had made any difference. Ryan had made up his mind. He needed to do this.
He knew there was nothing they could really do legally. He'd served his probation and
even though they were still his legal guardians, it wouldn't be long before he was
eighteen and then they'd have no rights upon how he lived his life.
In the end they'd had to let him do this. She and Sandy had stayed up long into the night,
holding each other, trying to come up with a plan to keep him in Newport. But in the end
they'd decided it was fruitless. They needed to let him do this. And if he returned, then it
should be because he wanted to and not because he was forced.
So now she had lost two children. One natural child she'd never had the chance to love
and one adopted child she'd given that love to instead. And she sobbed bitter tears for
them both.
The End