Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow, sundown.
The dead grass aches and crumbles beneath the worn soles of my combat boots.
I'm lost.
I look around, hoping to find something familiar. There is nothing. Trees, a boat dock, and a lake.
Where am I?
I look up towards the sky and it is blanketed with a ominous yellow, almost orange like color. I feel like I have sunglasses on. And that's when I realize it.
I'm dreaming.
Great.
I walk towards the boat dock, just waiting for that moment when I wake up from this bizarre, unexpected dream. Most of my dreams lately were centered around Colt, or even Emily. I hadn't dreamt about... him... in a good while. I'd done a fine job at trying to block out the memories. That was the only way I knew how to survive.
I could see someone sitting on the boat dock, fishing pole in hand. Relaxing. Whoever he was, he tilted his head back and let out a sigh. He looked like he was taking a breath after years of not being able to.
It took me a second, but then my eyes adjusted.
No.
It couldn't be.
I was instantly angry. Angry with myself for letting that barrier break, angry at myself for being weak. This dream was going to leave a burn in my chest that would last for weeks. It would be on my mind, no matter how hard I would try to surpress it. And I didn't need that. Colt didn't need that.
But the anger didn't last long. It lived its course, and it faded.
And then came realization.
I realized, then, that Dean Winchester was sitting only fifty feet away from me.
And even if it was a dream, I didn't care. I could run, run as fast as I could, and then I could touch him. I could hug him, embrace him, close the space between us for the first time in four years. I could feel him. I could fill in the hole that had taken a new residence in my stomach. I could feel alive again. I could let him bring me back to life.
And so, I ran.
But I wasn't running fast enough.
Seriously, right now? The cliche of not being able to run in your dreams? Yeah, I get that. But it can't apply to me right now. Not when the love of my life, who has been dead for four years, is sitting on a fold up chair only fifty feet away. You gotta let me run.
I try again.
And again, I'm stopped by my own inability to pick up my feet.
But still, me being as stubborn as I am, I start to run again.
And that's when I pick up speed.
I'm forty feet away now.
Thirty.
Twenty--and I swear, I can smell that scent that only he carries. The leather and sweat and sweetness, all mixed together.
Fifteen.
And that's when I'm stopped.
Not by my feet, but by something else.
Castiel.
I stop in my tracks, but not because I want to. I stop because Castiel is holding me back.
Damn angels.
"No, Ryan," he says to me, in that deep, rusty voice.
"You've gotta be kidding me right now,"
"I am not. You cannot go any further."
"Cas, it's Dean--I--"
"I understand, but I cannot let you cross this point."
"Why?!" I cry out in reply, my voice breaking. He's holding me back from Dean. My Dean.
"He is Dead, Ryan."
"But this is my dream! I am dreaming this! It's not real!"
"It is more real than you think."
"What does that mean?! Are we--are we in heaven?" I ask, desperate for a straight answer from the winged bouncer, ready to kick me out of my own dream.
"We are in Dean Winchester's heaven," he finally admitted, looking around. And then his gaze came right back to my tortured eyes.
"And you may not go any further."
"Why?"
"You are alive, Ryan. You are not allowed. When you die, you will be here. But for now, you are alive. You have a child to provide for. You will not cross over into this realm."
"Can I--Just for a minute, Cas--I promise..."
"I cannot allow that," he said firmly, but I knew that his guard was breaking. He had a soft spot for Dean--always had. And he knew that if Dean got word of any of this, that he'd get a new asshole torn for himself.
"And I'm sorry."
"Please, Castiel. Please..."
He turned away for a moment, his hands balling into fists. He was contemplating. I knew I'd won, and my heart tightened. He turned back to me, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Understand this, Ryan. If you go past this line, this moment will be another memory that you will have to surpress. You will go forward, you will embrace, and then you will be forced back out. You will leave yourself empty, as well as Dean. And you will both only have that moment to hold onto for the next fifty or sixty years that you remain alive. This is why we do not allow the living past this point. Please, just take this into consideration."
Now it was my turn to contemplate.
I could go, hug Dean, kiss him, let him know how much I loved him and missed him, and that I couldn't wait for us to be together again. Yeah, that's what I wanted to do.
But then...
After I did that, I'd wake up. And I'd be alone again. And the only thing that would be on my mind for months would be the fact that if I were to die, I would be with Dean again. And I would leave my son behind. I couldn't live like that. I wouldn't.
I had to be strong. For myself. For Colt. And even for Dean. He would have to live with the open wound as well. Even in heaven, something like that still hurt.
"Okay, Castiel. You win," I said, sniffling.
"He is happy here, Ryan. There is no evil. There is no pain. There is just peace. And his parents, Sam, Jessica. And you will be here one day, with him. As will Colt. You just need to be patient."
I nodded, accepting everything he said. I smiled through my tears, more than happy that Dean was with his family. I knew he was happy. I knew that there would always be a smile on his face here, and that there would always be someone around to take care of him.
"And he will wait for you. No matter how long it takes."
At that, my heart starts pounding.
I look from the distressed angel towards the man that I'd loved since I was seventeen years old.
And he turns in his chair.
He eyes lock with mine, and for a minute, my heart stops beating.
I don't breathe.
His jaw clenches, and I can see the pain behind his emerald eyes.
It takes everything I have inside, but I smile. It's a broken smile. But it's a smile. And he knows my smiles. He knows that it's the smile that only comes out when things are getting hard, but I know that we'll be okay eventually. And he always used to reply to that smile with a wink, letting me know that I was right. We'd be okay eventually.
And with my smile locked in his memory, he winks, and turns back around.
And then I wake up.
Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced
All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over.