A/N: This is just a collection of one shots, as the title indicates. I'll be updating pretty much whenever I feel like it. Just to clarify (as if anyone has asked…) the troll isn't Darkspear, so I more or less made up her accent. Also, I'd like to say that I hope no one takes offense to some of the things that Dahj says. It's only meant in jest (and I –am- a female, so that makes it okay… right? –awkward cough-). I don't mean to offend anyone, really. We're all good friends here, right? Please, put the flaming pitchforks down… -ahem- Anyway, constructive criticism, as always, is encouraged and appreciated. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: World of Warcraft is property of Blizzard Entertainment and I do not own it in any form or fashion. The characters in this story are my own while the setting takes place in the world/universe of WoW.
TREASURE
"I give up! It really is pointless. How the fel am I supposed to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed opponent?"
Wide nostrils flaring in a boorish snort, Dahj shook his head reproachfully at the troll sitting in the stool next to him. "I mean, it's understandable that, as a female, you are biologically incapable of rational thought and even attempting to discuss reason with you all is akin to throwing acid in your face and watching you continuously scream, 'It burns! It burns!', but c'mon, Taj! Even you should be able to get this. Ignore the logic melting your face and just accept it."
Unmoved by the tauren's persuasive argument, Taja'ki let her honey-hued eyes roll skyward before resigning to an irritated glower.
"'ere we go ag'in, Dahj. Wheneva' joo be losin' an a'gument wit' Taji, joo always be insultin' Taji so she get mad an' fah'get what we were a'guin' fah."
Smoothly, the troll slid the axes at her side out from belt, placing them on the bar counter top and taunting Dahj with a dangerous grin loaded with sharp teeth and even sharper tusks.
"An' Taji nevah does anyt'ing unarmed. Not wit' joo, at leas'."
"As I was saying," Dahj pressed on with the conversation, a part of him wondering why of all days was the Dumb Ox, the tavern he owned smack dab in the middle of Booty Bay, devoid of customers, or rather, given the current situation, future murder witnesses, "I think we should agree to disagree. We just aren't going to see eye to eye.
"It would be a damn shame if you killed me in cold blood just because I was right. As long as we've been friends, I think you at least owe me a much better reason to finally snap and smother me with your breasts, which, by the way, is how I've decided that I'd want you to kill me should the situation ever arise. I should die as I lived; ogling some woman's boobs."
Taji's eyes narrowed testily and her fingers inched toward her weapons. "Taji would chop off her cajungas an' eat dem bef'ah dat happens," she assured, the look on her face suggesting that she was completely serious. "But joo ain't right no way, so it dun mattah."
Dahj grunted, lifting his arm and crudely began scratching his furry pit. "Whatever, Taj. The only way you're ever even remotely right is when you let your fists do the actual talking. Like every other woman, when you start to sense that a man may know what the fel he's talking about, your first instinct is to beat the shit out of him. This is why men will always be more interested in the holes in women that don't talk."
Murderous intent clearly written all across Taji's face in large, bold letters, the troll leapt up from her seat and snagged Dahj's snout ring in a fearsome grip, other hand in a fist cocked back behind her ear just as a blood elf stepped out from the kitchen.
"Cin! Just who we need! You can settle this," Dahj exclaimed, just as his life ceased flashing before his eyes. "See, Taj and I can't agree on who'd be better in bed: Tyrande or Jaina. I say Jaina, 'cause, let's face it, you can just tell she's the dominatrix type. Plus, with all those unresolved daddy issues she's repressing, she's a ticking time bomb of unbridled sexual frustration.
"But Taj keeps going on about how Tyrande would be a total freak under the sheets and would know a few elven tricks that would have you calling out for Elune. You gotta' set this chick straight. Give her a real man's opinion… then run, because after she's done maiming me, you're next."
Unfocused eyes bouncing between the two, Cindral blinked lethargically for an uncomfortable span of time, appearing to have completely forgotten the question until he replied, methodically, "Thrall. He seems like he'd be the pleaser type who would really treasure you and make you feel special."
Taja'ki released Dahj, the urge to cause him bodily harm suddenly redirected at the skinny elf.
"… Cin, you know when you ask if you can join in our conversations and Taj and I say 'fuck no'? That's why," said Dahj, sighing long and deep as he rubbed at his throbbing snout. "What did you come in here for anyway? I thought you were helping Kish in the kitchen?"
Cindral's head tilted at an odd angle, as if confused by the question. "I'm not sure. Probably something to do with this."
The tweaked sin'dorei slowly reached into the brown sack he had inexplicably dragged out of the kitchen, pulling out a tightly bound gnome by his ankle.
"Got caught in one of the traps," Cindral explained, poking the gnome in the cheek with one slender finger and nearly retracting a nub as the creature attempted to sink his teeth into the elf. "Kish told me to dispose of it or it might attract others."
"Don't kill me!" cried the gnome, squirming and writhing helplessly in the air. "I-I'll give you my treasure!"
Dahj's ears perked. "Wait, Cin," he said, getting up from his seat and making his way over to the dangling gnome. "You were saying, gnome?"
Face flushed red and milky, luminescent eyes wide and round with fright, the gnome began to babble, "My name is Leper. Leper Con. Since you've managed to capture me, I'm obligated to give you all my gnomish treasure! However, you have to let me live. That's the deal."
Stroking his braided beard, Dahj's slate grey eyes studied the gnome carefully before he next spoke.
"Fine. Cin, set him down."
On command, the elf let the gnome plummet to the floor, ignoring the tiny man's heated claims that Cin had sexual encounters with his mother and insinuating that the sin'dorei's parents were indeed not betrothed when he was conceived. Dahj untied the gnome only to use the rope as a leash looped tightly around the gnome's neck.
"Alright, Con. Lead the way. And just so you know, if you're jerking our chain--"
The tauren jerked his head in Taja'ki's direction.
"—you'll have to deal with her. If you didn't know, when tricked or threatened, a woman will shoot corrosive venom from her vagina at the nearest male, so just keep that disturbing little fact in mind."
Hearing Taji lift her weapons from the counter, Dahj hurried toward the exit, making a mental note that the troll was losing her touch as the axe now embedded in the door had only managed to slice off the jagged end of his nail rather than lobbing off the tip of a finger like always.
"So where be dis treasah?" inquired Taji, eyeing the gnome as she walked between Dahj and Cindral.
"It was stolen by pirates," Leper Con admitted, a scowl wrinkling his sickly, green face. "But I'm quite certain that you all will be able to recover my, er, your treasure."
"Hey guys," Cin interrupted suddenly, scratching at the back of his head. "You ever notice how 'pirate' is like, 'pie' and 'rat' put together? But they look nothing like rats in pies. You think they would, ya' know, live up to their name and stuff. S'weird, man."
Slowly, Dahj nodded. "Okay, Cin just forfeited his share of the treasure. I can live with that. Where are these damn pirates anyway, we haven't even left the Bay yet."
At this, the leper gnome suddenly pulled the tauren towards an alley, where they all squeezed through and, upon coming out the other side, stood staring at an out the way, seedy looking building. In black, sloppy writing, the sign on the door read, The Pirate's Booty.
Dahj stroked his beard thoughtfully. "So… your so-called 'treasure' is in there?"
The gnome nodded twice and said, reassuringly, "Leper Con never tells a lie!"
"But the question begs to be asked," continued Dahj, not quite convinced. "Why would pirates of any sort, assuming that they're not Blackwater Raiders, set up shop smack dab in the middle of Booty Bay and, not only that, place such an obvious sign indicating that they are, indeed, pirates?"
Before the gnome could respond, Taja'ki cracked her knuckles loudly, pushing past Dahj impatiently.
"Dis be borin'. Let's jes git dah treasah an' go, ja? C'mon, Cin. Fah ev'ry pirate joo kill fastah den Taji, she give joo a shiny coin, ya' feel meh?"
An unnatural grin split the blood elf's features, revealing two rows of pointed teeth as his Wretched powers began to waken and stir.
"Shhhiny! Aroooooo!" Cin shouted, taking off in a lumbering gait toward the mysterious building and plowing through the door.
Not to be outdone, Taja'ki gripped her axes, gave them a fond, anticipatory twirl and barreled her way inside mere seconds behind Cindral.
Only Leper Con and Dahj remained, the tauren still stroking his beard, contemplating, even amidst the chorus of screaming and pandemonium wafting through the completely demolished front door of the Pirate's Booty. When at last the tepid sea air became eerily quiet, Dahj dared to venture forward, the gnome clinging to the tauren's leg, much to Dahj's disgust.
The tauren couldn't mask the shock on his face as he stepped inside… and was not greeted with the usual macabre mural of carnage and death. There were moaning and injured human forms littered on the floor, but aside from the fact that they looked as if they had been hit by a tram, they were definitely alive.
"Dahj, dese pirate no'ra fight back," Taji complained upon noticing Dahj, sliding a hand through her orange braids in confusion. "Dey donna' even have no weapons."
Cindral mumbled something inaudible in agreement, eating some unidentifiable substance in vacant corner of the one room establishment. Dahj took a better assessment of their surroundings. There was a bar, plenty of tables, no windows, and a raised, wooden stage on the far wall. Taja'ki and Dahj exchanged knowing looks, having been in countless buildings of similar design.
"… why are we attacking a strip club?"
Leper Con tugged nervously at the rope that suddenly felt uncomfortably tight around his neck, swallowing audibly.
"Well, they were dressed like pirates, and it was dark… but they did steal my treasure! I didn't lie!"
Just as Dahj began to wonder if his wife would know how to get the stench of leper gnome goop off his hooves, a door off to their right slowly opened, revealing a scantily clad female gnome.
"Con!" she exclaimed, rushing out of the room towards the others. Stopping abruptly in front of the leper gnome, she did not hesitate in raising a pudgy hand and slapping the hell out of Con.
"What are you doing here, you low life? Come to beg Treasure to come back to your pathetic club that nobody ever visits?"
Con made a face, although, considering his face was already incredibly ugly, it was hard to tell. "Hardly. I just came to get payback for these bastards stealing my girls. And, as part of the deal, I'm letting these guys here do what they want with you ingrates. I'm sticking to the honest profession of slave trading from now on."
The leper gnome whistled loudly, looking to the door Treasure had appeared from expectantly. "You hear that, Jewel, Gem, Garnet, Ruby, Amber and Sapphire? Get out here and meet your new owners!"
On cue, six heavily made-up, provocatively dressed gnomes poured out of the room, crowding around Dahj, Taja'ki and Cindral.
"Well, there you go," said Leper Con, clapping his hands together. "My Treasure. And I'm even throwing in Jewel, Gem, Garnet, Ruby, Amber and Sapphire. You can't beat that!"
When not one of the three hovering above him responded, the leper gnome cleared his throat uneasily, urging, "Go ahead! They're all yours! Grab a handful of Treasure's chest! Go on!"
Eye twitching in suppressed ire, Dahj tossed an arm over Taj's shoulders, pointing at the handful of gnomes before them, growling, "Taj, I believe the shooting of corrosive venom is in order. Just try not to get any on Cin or me, alright? And remember: have fun and try to treasure the moment because I know I will."
Taja'ki let her tongue flick to the underside of her tusk, bloodlust already smoldering in her eyes.
"Finally, somet'ing we c'in agree on."
Leper Con, the unlucky gnome, whimpered pitifully and as his last dignified act, covered himself in golden yellow cowardice.
"Where have you three been?" Kishka asked curiously as the weary trio meandered their way back into the Dumb Ox.
Dahj grunted in reply, mumbling, "Burying Treasure… among other things. What's that?"
He pointed to the murloc cookie jar she was cradling in her arms. "You remember this don't you?" the draenei stated, furrowing her eyebrows in accusation. "Well you should, considering the rainy day money I've been keeping in here is missing. And you're the only one I know who would take it. Probably to go to some strip club or something, you shameless jerk."
Disregarding Dahj's blank stare and stammering denials, Kishka set the jar down harshly, glaring serrated daggers at the clueless tauren.
"You can definitely forget about doing anything with me tonight. I hope you and Jaina have a wonderful time sleeping on the floor in the kitchen."
And with this said, Kishka turned and walked away, the distant slam of the door heard moments later.
"Yeah, Dahj?" Cindral slowly drawled, blinking at the slack-jawed tauren. "I meant to tell you, that gnome, remember him? Yeah, he kinda' stole the money in that jar that doesn't have cookies. Kinda' sucks that you can't get it back now."
Trembling with rage unfathomable, Dahj sank to his knees and threw his arms into the air, cursing whatever murky depths the leper gnome was now decomposing in with a soul-quaking bellow that echoed through the depths of the Void and beyond.
"CON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"