Ten Things

Okay, so I gotta admit, I'm an asshole.

But I'm not as much of one as some would expect, okay?

You see, nobody really knows me, they only think they do. Which kinda pisses me off.

I may not like everyone, and yeah, okay, so I have (once or twice…three times tops) smacked some nerds around; but I'm a not total douche! I have feelings. Which is why I'm writing this…to myself. Because yeah, I got feelings but that doesn't mean I'm gonna, like, share or some pussy shit like that. Fuck no.

This is a list of ten things nobody knows about me. Ten things that people automatically assume is true about me, but actually aren't the case at all. And, maybe ten things I sometimes wish people did know about me, because even though I love being a badass (three times of smacking losers around notwithstanding) I also wish people would lay off you know?

So here it goes…

As much as girls (and woman let's not forget my pool business) like to say I do, I don't go commando.

First off because, like, fucking gross; and second, fucking OW! What would happen if my zipper caught? Precious stuff down there, man!

I rarely sleep with Santana.

Yeah, so she's got a nice rack. So does half the rest of world. She just likes to say I'm banging her because it makes her look cool, and I let her cause it's easier than explaining to my boys why I'm not. Bitch is a bitch, okay?

I had a twin brother.

His name was Aaron. Guess Mom thought it was symbolic. Noah and Aaron. He died of lymphoma when we were five. He was my best friend. When he died, I couldn't understand why. He was always the better of the two of the us, why didn't God take me?

My first time…wasn't consensual. Or at thirteen.

I was seven. It was at a neighbor's my mom left me with when she worked. One day they had a sixteen year old there cutting their grass. He trapped me behind the shed, and stupidly enough I was afraid if I didn't do what he said, he would feed me to the lawn mower.

That wasn't the first or last time I've been…raped.

After Dad skipped out three years later, my mom was always piss ass drunk. So, of course, she had piss ass drunk boyfriends. I'd rather not remember the rest, and not hear about why that's the reason I became basically a whore. Just like I'd rather not talk about how I had to put out for Coach Tanaka after practice once when the guys were gone. Or how dirty he made me feel when he gave me twenty bucks and reminded me I was. (And that may or may not be why I was never really into whether or not we won)

I actually did like Rachel.

So sure, she talks fucking nonstop, but once you learn how to understand what she trying to say it makes sense. When we dated for a week, I kind of wanted it to last longer. Rachel was one of the very few people (besides Finn) that made me feel like I wasn't a total waste of space. Because yeah, she talks to you nonstop about fucking everything and it can become irritating, but it's better than being completely ignored.

I'm actually really smart.

Seriously, I have a 3.9 GPA. I "skip" all my classes and don't get detention cause I can just take the tests.

I've tried three times to kill myself.

First when I was six. I couldn't deal with losing Aaron, and the car was coming fast enough… The third leaving me in the hospital Finn yelling at me for being so stupid.

I'm bisexual and I never wanted to ridicule Kurt for being gay.

I really don't have much to say to this. I don't even know if bi is the right word. The truth is I've loved a lot of people, and I've only ever been hurt by them. So I guess my philosophy is one of em is bound to like me enough to stick around long enough to get past the initial fuck, right?

I've been in love with Finn since I met him in kindergarten.

Finn is perfect, and loving, and everything I wish I had. I would totally be his bitch if he'd only give me a shot. I swear, with all of my experience he'd be in sex paradise. But even though every day I stare at him, standing next to "Quinn Bitch" and I've got Santana hanging off of me like a leech, it doesn't change that he won't ever love a guy like me. Someone dirty and has a lot of history with the depressing.

But like I said, no one knows about any of this. Sometimes, I guess, it's just better to be alone. And sitting here in Juvie, holed up in a cell writing to myself, I feel pretty alone. But the worst part is, I'm gonna leave Juvie, and everything is going to be the same.

My name is Noah Eli Puckerman, and yes, I'm an asshole.

But I'm not a total asshole…and Finn won't ever know that, will he?

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