Twists and Turns of Life

By Dragon's Dance

Yeah… honestly I couldn't come up with a better title. This is a HUMOR fanfic… sort of a crack-fic, but I hope it's funny! My FF friend dr53 helped me with this idea, we thought it was funny, soooo she gets to be married to Itachi and I get to be married to Gaara! MY PANDA-CHAN!

PS…. In this story… Sasuke doesn't kill Itachi ( I WAS CRYING) so yeah. I'm not sure when it should take and Naruto somehow brings Sasuke back to the village… ends up leaving anyways and everyone is older obviously

PSS…. Kiui in like 25ish, dirty blonde hair, average height, blah blah blah…. Also she's a ninja

Kiui was walking around Konoha daydreaming about her past life and her present life, even as a ninja she got lost in her own fantasies. She thought about her best friend Kaminari and how she hadn't seen Kaminari in a while because she had moved to Suna for her love, Gaara. Kiui knew that Kaminari just packed and left one night, and she hoped Kaminari would return for a visit, but she thought about her husband, Itachi. Kiui sighed in content about her blind husband, she's had many medics and even Tsunade and Sakura look at his eyes, but the Mangekyo destroyed them, but sometimes he drove her insane. Kiui thought about her son, Ryuu, she had asked Shikamaru to babysit him since Ryuu and Shikamaru's son, Shizen were almost inseparable. While Kiui was daydreaming she rammed into a cart full of fruit and knocked all the fresh fruit everywhere. She snapped out off it and apologized profusely and scrambled to pick up the bruised fruit but the cart owner just laughed at her flustered state.

"Jeez Kiui, you're becoming as blind as your dear husband!" The owner joked lightly about Itachi and Kirin smiled as she knew the owner.

"Well it looks like I bruised most of your delicious fruit Jaaku," Kiui said sheepishly and smiled. Jaaku treated her well and accepted her choice to marry Itachi, even though it had it's ups and downs. Kiui helped Jaaku pick up his damaged fruit and she gave him 1800 Yen and continued to the Uchiha Estate, where Itachi and her had a large building and Sasuke got the building farthest away from theirs. Kiui slid the door open and heard Itachi up in their bedroom. She went up the stairs to find a quizzical sight.

Itachi had managed to tear the room apart looking for something that Kiui had no idea what it was and he even went through her make-up and some of it was on the floor, but most of it landed on his black ninja shirt, turning it an array of colors and Kiui just started silently shaking from suppressing laughter and anger. Kiui came up with a mischievous plan in her head and called out in a sing-song voice, "Itachi!"

Itachi froze in his tracks and he knew he was caught. Kiui slowly walked up to the former S-Ranked Criminal and put her hands on her hips while he started talking to the lamp next to her, "I'm sorry Kiui, I was just…"

"I'm over here, Weasel," Kiui teased lightly while turning his head to look at her. And Kiui was trying harder to keep in her laughter because this super bad-ass ninja was afraid of the daydreamer.

Kiui started pacing around the bedroom angrily ranting about their destroyed room, "Itachi, I can't believe you managed to destroy our perfectly fine room in the 15 minutes I walked around the Market! I mean my make-up! A third of it is on the bathroom floor and the rest is on your shirt! It makes you look like a clown! The clothes are everywhere and what the hell where you looking for?"

Itachi rubbed his neck nervously, knowing the wrath of his Kanai was not worth looking for his ninja gear, then he remembered where it was and slapped himself on the forehead. Kiui raised and eyebrow and snapped her fingers and Itachi turned his head to her once again like a dog. She giggled silently and said impatiently, "You never answered my question, Love."

"I was looking for… my….. Ninja gear?" He said the last word hesitantly and then Kiui collapsed on the ground and was attacked by hysteric fits of laughter. Itachi furrowed his brow and scowled at the game he knew she just played with him.

"Kami Itachi! I thought you would never catch on! Aw poor make-up… oh well it was cheap anyways! So lets clean up this mess!" Kiui stopped laughing at her Shujin and told him that she could clean it up quick if he just sat on the bed like a good Weasel. Itachi scowled again, but agreed to her wishes and sat down.

Kiui went to work immediately and fixed everything back to the way it should be and gave Itachi his ninja gear, but she was afraid about him going alone, so she went with him since, as a Jounin, she came back and was on a break, but Kiui never let herself slack. "Hey Weasel-kun, I'm going to go with you so that you don't kill anyone and I'll let you train in peace."

Itachi agreed to these conditions and they went to a clearing in the forest with targets and practice dummies set up. Itachi knew the clearing better than his own house so he was fine and Kiui went to work on her Ninjutsu. While she was practicing her main element, Rock, she thought she heard a snap, but she ignored it for a squirrel or a rabbit and continued with her newly found moves. After they were satisfied they went home and Kiui realized that she had never actually gotten food at the Market. She slapped herself repeatedly and told Itachi that she would be back in 20 minutes and not to try and cook anything. Kiui went to the Market fast, and focused and got the ingredients for her special soup and the items on the shopping list and went home. She set the ingredients on the small island and looked around, the house wasn't destroyed as far as she knew and Kiui was satisfied that Itachi listened to her. She put away the ingredients, but noticed that new things were missing in the pantry and fridge, like the cheese was gone and the peanut butter was gone….. Kiui thought nothing of it and went upstairs to find her best friend Kaminari Subaku. Kiui was ecstatic and squealed at her best friend. Kaminari turned her head and winced, "Come on Kiui! You know I hate squealing!"

Kaminari laughed at that and hugged her best friend, who she had missed dearly. Kaminari noted that Kiui had only changed a bit since she left. Her dirty blonde hair was in a bob style and the front reached her collar bone, Kiui had gotten taller, and she changed her regular Ninja outfit from black shorts, wrappings on her thighs and turquoise shirt, to a purple tank-top and the rest stayed the same. And Kiui analyzed her best friend looking for any obvious changes, and immediately she noted the kanji for love on her forehead, where Gaara's was and "Aw" at them and Kaminari blushed lightly. Her hair had gotten red tips in it and longer, her outfit had changed from all black to a red tank top, short sleeve fishnet, black shorts and fishnet with knee-high, black ninja boots, also she wore red fingerless gloves.

The girls were catching up when Kaminari noted that Ryuu wasn't here and her eyes widened. And then the craziness started and Kiui started running to Shikamaru's screaming that she forgot her child and Kaminari followed on the rooftops, laughing all the way. Ryuu was excited to see his Godmother and he hugged her, and she pretended to let him knock her over. She laughed and said, "Jeez Ryuu! You're getting strong, you were able to knock me over!"

Ryuu giggled and said, "Does that mean I can be a great ninja like you some day, Kaminari-san?"

Kaminari got up and ruffled his hair, which received another giggle from Ryuu and Kiui smiled. Kaminari placed her little gaki on her back and answered his question after telling Kiui to go on the rooftops with her. "Well little gaki first off, quit calling me Kaminari-san! It makes me sound old! Second, you're destined for great things."

Kiui made a sour face at the 'destiny' part and said, "Did you have to use that exact phrase? You know I hate everything about destiny and Neji!"

Fortunately for her, they were above Neji when she said that and he looked up and glared at Kiui with his pale eyes. Kaminari howled with laughter, stopped and called out jokingly, "Don't worry Neji! I still love you!"

Neji shook his head and continued with what he was previously doing, and Ryuu drilled Kaminari with questions that she was beginning to get a throbbing vein in her forehead. But fortunately for Kaminari they reached the Uchiha compound, they went inside and they all traveled up to Kiui and Itachi's bedroom, and Kiui sat on the bed facing away from the bathroom and Kaminari saw Itachi in the bathroom and didn't think anything of it… until he started putting random crap in the toilet. Kaminari got this puzzled look on her face and asked Kiui, "Hey Kiwi… you do know that your husband is putting stuff in the toilet, right?"

Kiui's mouth fell open and she stared at her husband and asked, "Itachi?"

Itachi making soup….. In the toilet, not something you see every day. Her eyes widened and Itachi said innocently, "Konbanwa, Kiui-koi. I made soup for us!"

She stared horrified at him and clarified for herself slowly, "Itachi…. Made soup…. In the…."

"Yup, Kiwi. Your dear Shujin made toilet soup. I have seen lots of weird crap, but this… is just plain whack-job." Kaminari clarified for her.

Ryuu poked his head around Kaminari and said, "Otou made toilet soup." And then he started laughing. Itachi tilted his head.

Suddenly, Kiui's brother Cullen walked in and he looked just like Kiui, with muscles. He looked at Itachi and said, "This Weasel can't even make soup correctly!"

Cullen turned to Kiui and demanded, "Why did you have to go and marry the Weasel with the damn fag lines!"

Kaminari giggled and said, "You're cute, too bad I'm married…"

Cullen looked at her weird and said, "Your brother is somewhere in the village, he said he wanted to talk to you. Oh and I'm going to tell Gaara."

Kaminari got a dark look on her face, with her hair hanging in front of her eyes, she glared at Cullen with one eye and said, "If you dare speak of it, I will make you eat Kiwi!"

He looked horrified and ran out of the room screaming, "NOOO I HATE KIWIS!"

Itachi wondered why Cullen had come and disappeared, and why Kaminari said he made toilet soup and it hit him….. So did Kiui's wrath, she was unfazed by Cullen's random appearance, "Itachi, how the hell do you manage to bring up stuff from the kitchen into the bedroom, and make toilet soup?"

Kaminari was shaking, trying to hold in her laughter at the entire situation, Itachi making toilet soup… Weasel with fag lines... Which by the way looked terrible, and Kiui getting pissed off, which is always somehow entertaining for Kaminari. Itachi winced at Kiui's tone and said, "Kiui, I didn't know I made soup in the… toilet?"

Kiui shook her head and started pacing the room, while Kaminari flushed the toilet and cleaned it of toilet soup. Kiui pointed her finger at her husband, "We need to talk."

Kaminari cleared her throat and glanced at Ryuu who had started to leave for his room, not even bothering to question his uncle's reasons for appearing and disappearing. Kiui sighed and looked at her pleadingly and clasped her hands together, "Kaminari? Can you please watch Ryuu while we talk?"

Kaminari shook her head and said, "Nope, not without some help."

Kiui sighed and told Kaminari to send 3 of her summons to send a message to each of these people, since hers were faster. Sasori of the Red Sand the Puppet Scorpion, Tobi… don't know his last name, the Gaki, and Deidara the Clay Boy. "Why these three?"

Kaminari had previous information on them and knew that if they came, hell would break loose… that or the Kyuubi. She sighed and summoned her fastest wolves, Reika, Kazuo, and Sumeria, told them the message and they were off in a heartbeat and not 20 minutes later they returned, each with a different person, with different personalities and Kiui suggested that we all move to the living room, since the bedroom was getting crowded.

Tobi… well Tobi was freaking out that a 'pretty puppy' had come to him, Kazuo, and tried to glomp Kazuo…let's just say Tobi didn't just randomly start running in circles crying, "Ah! Pretty puppy bit me! Bad pretty puppy!", for nothing. And Kaminari thought that she would probably end up smacking Tobi by the end of the day.

Sasori, he just kind of stood there, puppet and all. He looked around the house curiously and almost boredly, like he didn't want to be here. Sasori rose his eyebrow the slightest at Kaminari and she shook her head, silently telling him she would explain later. Reika was happy to bring him, since he didn't ask questions and wasn't hyperactive like Kazuo's human.

Sumeria brought Deidara, who wasn't even the slightest bit happy to be here, and she didn't like him. Deidara had complained the entire way about being dragged into babysitting by Itachi and his stupid wife and when Sumeria bit him, Deidara chased her all the way to Konoha and was still mumbling crap about blowing up Konoha and Sumeria.

Kaminari summarized how this was going to end in her head, and she smirked evilly, "Kiui, I guess we've got it from now on."

Kiui was hesitant now to leave, until Kaminari shoved both of them out the door. Kaminari dismissed the trio of wolves, Tobi raised his hand and asked, "What's babysitting, miss?"

Italicized Words

Shujin- Husband

Konbanwa- Good Evening

Kanai- Wife

Otou- Father

Gaki- kid, brat…. Btw I use kid

Yaaa I expect flamers now, it's for our entertainment and hopefully yours... hehe yaaaa -.-"'

R&R