A/N: This was originally supposed to be a light-hearted fic inspired by my two year old daughter's reaction to Snape while I was watching one of the movies. She was both fascinated and afraid of him. The story took on a life of its own and didn't turn out anything like I expected.
This is written in "Lost" format- in other words there is the main story which is broken up by flashbacks. I hope it's not too confusing.
Severus Snape stared at the row of books in front of him trying in vain to block out the noise surrounding him. How he hated Diagon Alley at the end of summer! And Flourish and Blotts was one of the worst. The racket of children buying their school books was overwhelming and it was almost impossible to receive any sort of assistance from the few clerks bustling back and forth from the back rooms.
He would have avoided this situation all together if several of his reference books had not met with an untimely demise when his experimental potion had exploded earlier that morning. He had escaped unscathed, but the books and parchment on the work table had not been so lucky.
Mentally he sighed to himself. Not only had he lost several important books, but also several months worth of work on the potion when his most recent notes had been incinerated. This had already put him in a dark mood when he had set out for the book shop, and that mood grew darker still when he saw the crowd in the store.
Finally, after several long moments of looking at the same titles several times but not registering what they said, he found the books he was looking for and moved toward the front of the shop to do battle with the line that had formed in front of the register. As he walked past one brightly colored aisle, 'children's books,' he thought to himself with a snarl, he heard the brightly cheerful voice of a young girl.
"I want dis one Mummy!" he heard her exclaiming.
"Well, darling," came a woman's voice, "We're already getting Good-night Broom and Where the Wizard Things Are. Don't you think that's enough for today?"
This voice was so familiar to Severus, that it stopped him in his tracks. Hermione Granger. He had not seen her since shortly after the final battle when they had been discharged from St. Mungo's. She had been clutching the arm of Ron Weasley like a lifeline as she had limped away. Severus heard they got engaged that same day.
He debated with himself for a moment if he should just continue on and pay for his purchases, ignoring the woman and small child, or if he should actually say hello and be, Merlin forbid, sociable. Had it been anyone else, he would not have even considered speaking, but they had reached something of an amicable relationship during those last few desperate months before Voldemort had been defeated. Perhaps it had even been more than amicable, if he were completely honest with himself. But he preferred not to think about that. During the months leading up to the end of the war, he had actually come to respect her quick thinking and cool head. Cool heads had been in short supply at the time. Between himself, Potter, Mad-Eye and the remaining members of the Weasley clan, more than once the last of the living Order members had nearly killed themselves off over nothing more important than who had hexed whom during practice sessions at Grimmauld Place. Because they were getting killed at such an alarming rate by then, they had all lived together in Black's old house and such close quarters made tempers…short. Only Hermione and Minerva had been the voice of reason in those dark days; calmly keeping the peace and sorting out disagreements.
"Damn it Potter! You have to concentrate!" Severus's voice rang through the now empty living room that they used for dueling practice. He glared at the young man who was now nursing a cut on his left forearm.
"I'm trying," Harry ground out, returning his former professor's glare.
"Well this isn't going to get you anywhere against the Dark Lord. My abilities are nothing compared to him. Do you really think I would have spent so many years in his service, or pretending to be, if I could have overtaken him with a few poorly placed spells?"
Harry snorted with a complete lack of enthusiasm. "Yeah, pretending to be. I guess most of us will never know the truth, will we?"
Severus moved so quickly that had Harry blinked he would have missed it. As it was he had very little defense to the wand that was now pointed at his throat.
"Professor!" Severus heard a feminine voice behind him hiss. He did not need to look to see whose voice it was. Hermione Granger was never far away during their dueling lessons; more often than not she was required to intervene when one of them got the better of the other.
"You will NOT question my loyalty, Potter. Unless you are the head of the Order, which last I checked you are not, you have no right."
"I have every right," Harry said, his anger now getting the better of him and Severus knew that had he looked behind him he would have seen Hermione cringe. "You killed, or had a hand in killing everyone that was ever important to me. You think I'll just forgive you for that? You have RUINED my life!"
Harry stormed away through the doors to the entrance hall and Severus thought he saw the red hair of Ginny Weasley follow him upstairs. He sighed and, realizing he was still holding his wand up where Harry's neck had been, dropped it. More often than not, their sessions ended in a similar fashion. It had only been a couple months since he had been back in the Order, after Minerva had chased him down, but Harry's feelings had never changed.
As he turned, he saw that Hermione was still standing there, watching him carefully as if she expected him to now turn the wand on her.
"He's just having a hard time," she said quietly. "It's hard for him to accept that the same person who… who…" Her voice trailed off and she looked away nervously.
"Murdered Dumbledore?" Severus supplied the words and said them with a sneer. He got a perverse enjoyment out of seeing her shudder.
"Yes, that you are also the one now helping him train to defeat You-Know-Who."
"Potter needs to realize that the world is not all black and white. It's not just good and bad."
"Perhaps," Hermione said shrugging her shoulders and smiled when she saw his look of surprise. "I'm Harry's friend. That doesn't mean that I'm blind to his faults."
Severus nodded and turned away, but she put a hand out to stop him. "I'm making some tea. Would you like to join me?"
He was still arguing with himself when the source of his indecision came around the corner from the children's section. The small girl was pulling her mother by the hand and was in such a rush, she nearly ran straight into Severus. At the last moment, her mother grabbed her back, preventing the collision.
"Oh!" said Hermione looking up at his face in surprise. "Severus!"
"Hermione," Severus said inclining his head. "Or, I suppose I should say Mrs. Weasley."
"Oh…uh…" Hermione was now blushing, although why Severus could not fathom. "It's not actually Mrs. Weasley anymore. Ron and I… um…" Her voice trailed away and it was obvious she didn't know what to say.
"I see," Severus said now feeling embarrassed himself. He kept to himself so much that he rarely heard any news regarding former students, regardless of if they were war heros. "I am… sorry. I hadn't heard."
They stared in uncomfortable silence for another moment before a movement between them caught Severus's eye. The young girl, who had been staring at him with a mixture of fascination and nervousness had now buried her head in her mother's robes. Hermione also noticed her movement and she bent down to pry her child away.
"Jane, darling, won't you say hello to Professor Snape?" she asked but her daughter shook her head.
"I had also not heard that you were a mother," Severus said, gesturing toward Jane.
"Oh, yes. I don't suppose you get much news do you?" asked Hermione. "From what I understand you don't get out much."
"Hmph," Severus snorted. "I suppose you've been talking to Minerva, haven't you. I don't know why that woman thinks it's her mission to get me back into society."
Hermione smiled. "I imagine it's because she cares about you."
Severus snorted again and mumbled something about "silly woman", but his eyes were still drawn to the young girl who had now worked up the nerve to give him furtive glances from around Hermione's legs. Severus was relieved to see the girl had inherited very little of her father's appearance. Only her blue eyes reminded Severus of the Weasley boy. Otherwise, she appeared to be a very tiny version of Hermione with wild bushy hair and, as she gave him a tentative smile, he saw unusually large front teeth. Yet still, there was something rather pretty about the girl, even though her mother had never been a very pretty girl herself. He guessed the child couldn't be more than two years old, but her eyes were already bright with intelligence.
Hermione noticed the direction of his eyes and he was amused to see her put a protective arm around her child.
"Have no worries, Hermione, I promise not to bully your offspring with threats of cleaning out cauldrons," he said wryly.
Hermione gave a small laugh and her hold on Jane relaxed visibly. The child was now openly staring at him and he tried to smile back. She gazed back at him, but did not return his smile.
'Ah, well,' he thought, "I suppose it can't be helped. Probably for the best before people start hearing rumors that the great bat has gone soft.'
"Well," Severus said, now out loud, "I will not detain you further. I am sure you have more important matters to attend to."
"Oh yes," said Hermione, grinning broadly. "I believe we have plans to transfigure ourselves into princesses this afternoon and have a tea party with some charmed teddy bears, who will be doing the serving. Would you like to join us?"
She was obviously teasing him and had Severus been a friendlier person, he would have laughed at the suggestion. As it was, he just gave her a stern look before saying no and abruptly turning to leave. He made his way to the front of the store and, after spending a painful ten minutes being pushed and jostled by teenage children and their parents, he finally was able to pay for his purchases. He was about to leave when he heard the high pitched voice of Jane Weasley once again.
"Yook, Mummy, there's Essor Snape."
Severus turned around to see Hermione paying the clerk her Galleons and Jane smiling up at him with her bright blue eyes. Severus was amazed. No child had ever looked at him with anything other than fear or loathing. Hermione turned around at Jane's words.
"What dear?" She then glanced up and saw Severus staring down at her daughter. "Oh, hello again, Severus. I see you've found what you were looking for." She gestured toward the books.
Severus nodded and Hermione took Jane's hand to leave when he suddenly called out to her. "Hermione?"
"Yes, Severus?" she said turning back around.
"Would you and Miss Weasley care to, uh, join me for lunch? Without teddy bears of course."
Hermione gave a startled laugh and she, too smiled. "That would be lovely. Thank you! It would be nice to have lunch with an old friend. There aren't many of us left."
"Friend?" Severus couldn't help but say with surprise and Hermione, leading her daughter out the front door, looked up at him.
"Well, we were friends, of a sort, back then weren't we?"
"Yes," Severus said quietly. "I suppose we were."
He was sure she was magically refilling his teacup as they sat across from each other in silence. He didn't mind though; he was as unwilling to allow the evening to end as she was.
"Do you think it's going to work?" Hermione finally asked. Severus looked up at her and he knew that she was reflecting all the emotions he was also feeling. Fear, nervousness, hope.
"Yes," said Severus setting down his cup. "Potter has come a long way. He could kill me easily now, if he wanted to. All the Horcruxes have been destroyed. We are as ready as we will ever be."
Hermione nodded and it seemed to Severus that some of the tension left her face. They sat in silence several more minutes before she spoke again.
"He doesn't want to anymore, you know," she said and Severus gave her a confused look. "Kill you, I mean. I think Harry's finally managed to direct his anger to the place that it belongs."
"Well, I'll sleep easier in my bed knowing that," said Severus sarcastically and Hermione snorted with laughter.
"Oh come on now, Severus," she said grinning, "he's not so bad. Admit it."
"I'll admit no such thing," Severus said but he, too, was grinning. "I still don't understand what you see in the boy. Or Weasley, for that matter. They never would have made it so far if it weren't for you."
"They both have their strengths, as you very well know," Hermione gave Severus a look of annoyance, but her tone told him she was only amused.
"The only strengths I see are the amount of food the can consume," said Severus with a smirk before his expression turned serious. "But if you insist, I will grant you that Potter has an amount of courageousness that borders on foolishness and Weasley does have a… gift… for strategy."
Hermione smiled brightly and Severus forced himself to look away and take a couple deep breaths to ease the sudden pain in his chest.
"You should get some rest, Hermione" he said gruffly as he moved to stand and set his cup in the sink. "You need to be alert tomorrow."
"As should you." Hermione had also risen and joined him at the sink. Severus looked down at her and was shocked to see tears in her eyes. "Do be careful tomorrow, Severus."
For one moment, Severus thought she was going to kiss him, but then the door burst open and Ron Weasley walked in. Hermione jumped and turned away.
"Come on, Hermione," Ron called to her. "Mum and Dad want to talk to all of us."
Hermione nodded and hurried toward the boy who possessively put his arm around her. She did not look back as she walked out of the kitchen.
Hermione and Severus walked in silence all the way to a small restaurant across the street from Gringott's. Jane, on the other hand, was keeping up a running commentary on everything she was seeing.
"Yook Mummy, there's owos! See the spider Mummy? Yook, Mummy, I see a snake! Ssss….." She made a wiggling movement with her hands as if to imitate a snake and Hermione laughed.
"We don't come to Diagon Alley much," she said to Severus as they sat at a small table outside. "Even now I feel like it attracts too much attention. I don't want Jane to know about what happened in the war until she is older and I can tell her."
Severus found he didn't know what to say. He did not commonly socialize with anyone and especially not anyone involved in the war. It brought up too many memories that were better left forgotten.
As it had been on their way to the restaurant, it was unnecessary for either he or Hermione to speak much, as Jane was talking enough for the both of them. Severus had never spent much time around small children and found her chatter and complete enthusiasm to be oddly refreshing. As he watched Hermione interact with her young daughter and saw the obvious love and devotion she felt, he felt that same pain in his chest that he once had so many years ago in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place.
Finally, when their meals had been brought and Jane was contentedly eating and drinking her pumpkin juice, they were able to resume their conversation. Severus discussed his experimental potions that he had been working on and Hermione looked at him speculatively.
"What?" he asked taking a bite of potato.
"I'm just wondering why you never went back to Hogwarts," said Hermione. "Minerva told me she's offered you a job no less than half a dozen times."
Severus sighed. "To be quite honest, Hermione, it is rather tiresome to be feared. When you were in school, I had to appear a certain way in order to maintain my reputation among Slytherin children and their parents. To not raise anyone's suspicions as to where my loyalties laid. But just imagine what the reaction would be like now. Now that everyone knows all the atrocities I've committed. The children would hardly be able to study for all the fear I would induce. No, it is far preferable to remain in self imposed seclusion where I only see people who do not shake when I speak to them."
"Oh, surely it would not be as bad as that," scoffed Hermione. "Look at Jane. She is not the least bit afraid."
As if to prove the point, Jane reached out a patted Severus gently on the arm. He swallowed hard.
"I've noticed," he said quietly. "I believe your Jane is an anomaly, though. Certainly most children would not have the nerve to pat my arm."
Hermione did not respond, but sighed and returned her attention to her food, clearly unconvinced that he was right.
"So tell me, Hermione, what have you been up to in these years since the war?" Severus asked and saw Hermione pause in the middle of chewing her food. She swallowed and put her fork down before responding.
"Well," she said thoughtfully, "obviously you know most of it. Ron and I got married the year after the war, and I had Jane two years ago. I started working at the Ministry almost right after the war; they were so eager to have one of us working there, I had my choice of jobs."
"Yes, I had heard you were an Unspeakable. I suppose that makes talking about your work a little difficult," Severus gave her a small smile, but, instead of smiling back, Hermione suddenly frowned.
"Yes, actually, Ron could never get used to it. He kept thinking I was hiding things from him. When I first started working at the Department of Mysteries, he wanted me to tell him everything. Ever since the battle there in our fifth year, he's wanted to know what all those rooms were. When I told him that I had taken an Unbreakable Vow regarding the secrets there, he was furious. He never got over it."
Severus had not expected her to talk about her ex-husband, but once she started, she seemed unwilling to stop.
"He never got over a lot of things," she said softly before looking up at Severus. "He never got used to the fact that there weren't three of us anymore. He never got used to Harry being gone…" her voice trailed away and Severus found himself strangely speechless.
"Harry! Harry!"
The sound of inhuman screaming was the first thing Severus heard as he regained consciousness. He groaned and rolled onto his back and opened his eyes trying to remember what had happened. All he could remember was the chaos and confusion of the battle. He had been trying to help Harry fight off the Lestrange's when he had been cursed from behind.
Slowly he opened his eyes and he could see several people gathered around a body several feet away from him. The abundance of red hair told him most of them were Weasleys. He could hear the sounds of sobs and it looked like they were coming from a dirt and blood stained Ginny Weasley. Groaning he tried to drag himself up onto his knees but someone was forcing him back.
"Don't even think about it, Severus," said Minerva McGonagall lightly pressing on his shoulders. "That was a nasty curse from Wormtail. You're lucky to have survived."
"What's going on?" Severus asked, his voice strangely hoarse. "Did Potter get hurt?"
"Harry is dead," said Minerva, with suspiciously bright eyes. "He was able to kill You-Know-Who, but somehow the curse rebounded and killed him too."
Severus no longer put up any fight as he lay in the dirt and allowed Minerva to look after his injuries. He felt a strange numbness come over him. He was relieved the Dark Lord was finally gone, but he was surprised to feel sad over Harry's death. He had never liked the boy, but his courage in the face of overwhelming odds had forced his admiration. While he lay contemplating this odd development, he thought of the others; the few remaining members of the Order.
"What about everyone else?" he asked, wincing as Minerva healed a particularly painful wound. "What about…" He was about to ask about Hermione but he managed to catch himself in time. Even in his weakened state he didn't want to see the look on Minerva's face if she thought he had an unhealthy interest in a former student.
"Everyone is fine," Minerva said reassuringly. "Including Miss Granger."
Severus looked at Minerva with surprise but she chuckled knowingly. "Honestly, Severus, I'm not blind. And I'm not going to get all worked up because you are friends with a woman who was your student five years ago. I'm glad to see you friends with anyone at all. She is with the Weasleys right now and Harry's… body."
Severus could feel her tremble as she spoke and he closed his eyes as he waited for her to finish. Just as she healed the last of the serious wounds, he could see the group around Harry begin to break up. Arthur supporting a weeping Molly and Fred and George were helping Ginny away. All that was left were Hermione and Ron who were both still huddled over the body of their best friend.
Ignoring Minerva's protests, he managed to haul himself to his feet without falling over and walked unsteadily toward them. Sensing movement, Hermione turned and saw him standing, watching her.
"Severus!" she cried and ran over to him, a pronounced limp in her step, and threw her arms around him. "I thought you were dead, but Minerva promised me you'd be alright."
Severus could not help himself but returned the embrace, sliding his arms around her thin frame and, as a sickening wave of guilt washed over him, all he could think was how glad he was that she was safe.
They stayed that way until a furious Ron Weasley and the Healers from St. Mungo's interrupted them.
"Well," Severus said rising from the table at the end of their meal, "I must thank you for your company. It is not often that I spend much time away from my home and it has been… refreshing."
This was the closest he could come to a compliment and he could tell from the look on Hermione's face that it was not wasted.
"Oh, I should thank you, Severus," she said, grinning. "I'm sure that you will be Jane's primary topic of conversation for days to come. It has been a nice distraction."
Severus thought about her words and wondered how true they were. He could tell from how she had spoken during their meal and the fatigue in her eyes that life as a single mother was no easier for her than it had been for his own mother. Yet, she still seemed so very much like the young woman that he had spent months with before the end of the war.
'No,' he thought to himself, 'she's not the same. She's better. She's more mature than she was then; less naïve. Infinitely preferable.'
Severus shifted his attention to the young child who had climbed up on her mother's lap and whose eyes were now beginning to droop. She gave Severus a sleepy grin and then looked up at her mother.
"I yike Essor Snape, Mummy. I yike him."
Hermione laughed. "Well, I'm glad darling. Maybe, when you get older and go to school at Hogwarts, he'll be teaching there again."
"Not a chance," Severus said, smirking at this obvious hint. "The children are far better off not having to fear me every day."
"I not sared," Jane said with yawn.
"No, you're not," said Severus. "You are a very brave girl. Will probably be a bloody Gryffindor." He said the last as barely more than a murmur, but it was still loud enough for Hermione to hear. Instead of a reprimand, however, she just snickered.
"That didn't hardly have enough heart in it to be believable, Severus. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were going soft."
"Nonsense. Just because I no longer have a desire to see children cry does not make me soft."
They had now reached the entrance to the restaurant and they paused uncomfortably.
"Well," Hermione said with a sigh, "I guess this really is good-bye this time. It really was very good to see you, Severus."
Severus nodded, unwilling to express himself so openly. Hermione did not give him much of a chance, however as she juggled the sleeping child to one side so she could give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He backed away quickly, unsure of how to respond and turned to walk away.
It had taken nearly two days, but Severus had finally convinced the Healers that it would be better for both himself and them if they just released him. Tired of fighting him, they eventually agreed. Most of the Order had already been released; only himself, Mad-Eye and Hermione now remained. He had heard that Hermione was also being released, although he had not verified that for himself. Ron Weasley had not left her side since they had been admitted and Severus had taken to keeping the curtain drawn around his bed so as to avoid the nauseating scene.
But now, he was carefully dressed in black robes that Minerva had brought from his home and was preparing to leave when Hermione came around the curtain, startling him. She was dressed in new dark blue robes and her normally wild hair looked unusually tame. Severus couldn't help but think that she looked a bit nicer than usual.
"We are supposed to have an interview with The Daily Prophet when I leave," she said indicating her robes. "Mrs. Weasley wanted me to look nice for it."
"I see," said Severus and he returned to packing his few belongings in the small bag.
"I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you," said Hermione timidly. "Ron hasn't wanted to let me out of his sight. Even now I had to ask him to go check and see if his family had arrived just to get a moment of peace." She gave a small laugh. "He means well. He's just worried about me."
Severus wasn't sure if she was trying to convince herself or him of that, but he did not say as much. He just looked at her and waited for her to continue.
"Anyway," she said, now beginning to blush. "I was just wondering if… well, I've really come to care about you, Severus. And I know that everyone expects me to be with Ron now that it's all over. I care about Ron, I really do, but we are so different and we still argue more than anything…" She trailed off, obviously aware that she was babbling.
"What are you trying to say Hermione?" asked Severus.
"Well, I was just wondering if you cared about me too." She was no longer looking at him but staring at a fixed point on the floor. "As more than a friend, I mean."
In that moment all of Severus's dreams and nightmares seemed to be coming true at the same time. He was amazed that a witch such as her could ever come to have feelings for him, but he was not so naïve as to believe that such a relationship could actually work. To say he was grouchy was an understatement and he had no real source of income. Not to mention he was a former Death Eater. He would destroy everything sweet and good about her.
Looking up at her, fixing her with his best Potion's professor stare he ground out one word.
"No."
"Oh…" she gave a start of surprise and her face turned an even brighter shade of red. "I see… well I'm sorry to have bothered…"
She was unable to finish as Ron Weasley had now returned to the room and was calling for her. She took a couple deep breaths before turning around and walking to the other side of the curtain.
"I'm here Ron," she called out.
"Oh," he could hear Ron saying. "Well everyone's waiting, we better get going."
Unable to help himself Severus walked around the corner in time to see Hermione take hold of Ron's arm as he helped her out of the ward.
"Severus!" Hermione was calling after him and he turned around to see her walking quickly toward him, still holding Jane. She looked a bit embarrassed once she reached him, however, as if she wished she had not said anything at all.
"I have always wondered..." her voice trailed away.
"Hermione," he could not keep the smirk off his face or the amusement out of his voice, "I am willing to guess that you have wondered a great many things. I'm afraid you're going to have to narrow it down for me."
Hermione gave a small laugh. "Yes, you're right. Well, do you remember the last time we saw each other? At St. Mungo's?"
Severus wished he could continue walking away. Surely anything would be preferable than having this conversation.
"Yes."
"Well, I've always wondered. Were you being entirely truthful? About what I asked you, I mean."
He sighed. "No," he muttered. "I wasn't."
Severus saw hope brighten Hermione's eyes. "Why did you lie? Minerva always told me you were lying."
"Meddling old woman," Severus grumbled but there was no anger in it. "I thought it was for the best. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship."
Hermione grabbed a hold of his hand and looked up in his face. "Don't you think that should be for me to decide?"
"You must be crazy to want anything to do with me," Severus said, still forcing back the feeling of happiness that was threatening to overcome him. "How do you know we will still have anything in common. We haven't seen one another in five years."
"Then we'll have a lot of catching up to do," Hermione said with a grin. "Perhaps Diagon Alley isn't the best place for it though."
She pulled him by the arm, holding Jane with her other arm and walked down Diagon Alley to the Leaky Cauldron. Severus considered protesting; he had potions that were in need of his attention and cauldrons that needed scrubbing. But he realized that he wasn't all that interested in returning to his lonely house. When they went inside Hermione headed straight for the fireplace, and threw in some floo powder and stepped in. She looked expectantly at Severus.
"Would you like to join us for dinner?" she asked. "I'm sure Jane would love to show you her teddy bear collection."
Severus joined them in the fireplace, pressing close to Hermione in the confined space. He smirked as he felt her catch her breath.
"I'd love to."