Okay, this is super-rrrrrr cracky, but I love it. And I'd love to hear what you think on such a ridiculous piece. Yes. This is a western AU based loosely off Shane, which I love, featuring:

Cowboy!Altair

Indian farmer!Malik and housekeeper!Kadar

Little Boy!Des

Farmer!Ezio

Rancher!Cesare

Enjoy. :3

He came riding in on a simple brown horse. He had brown hair and gold eyes that pierced into the soul of any who dared look. His pants were brown, and his shirt a pristine, collared white. At his hip, swaying gently with the slow lope of the horse, was a gun in its holster. There was a scar on his lips from fights long passed, and his hands were calloused and tough, yet held the reins as gentle as any might a babe. His hat was brown like his pants and the horse. People didn't stop to look at him as he rode in, sitting upright, yet relaxed.

He stopped the horse with a quiet murmur in front of the general store's water bin. Briefly rubbing down the horse's neck, he scooped some water into his hands and washed his face. The horse seemed all too happy to stop and take a sip. The stranger straightened and walked into the general store.

"Pleasure, mate. What brings you here?"

He looked to see a foreigner—his accent was British. "I could ask you the same."

The storekeeper laughed and stepped around the counter. The stranger reached out and shook the man's hand, pleased to find he had a firm grip.

"Furthest thing from Britain I could find. Name's Shaun Hastings. How can I help you?"

The stranger looked to the side at the icebox, and Shaun nodded. "Help yourself, sir. Lord Almighty's blessed us with a fine day out."

He walked over and fished around to find a bottle of pop—something cheap and cold. He paid for it without a word and took the offered chair in front of the store. But before he could walk out, Shaun called out, "Excuse me, mate, but I never caught your name."

He responded in a quiet voice, hardly turning his head enough so Shaun could catch it, "Altair."

The sun was setting before a little boy came galloping in ahead of his father. He stopped right in front of Altair, his jaw dropping and his eyes widening.

"Look, pa! A real cowboy!" he whispered to his father, a large smile growing across his face. Suddenly shy, the boy clung to his father's pantleg and grinned like a fool.

"Howdy, stranger. Name's Ezio Auditore."

Altair was pleased to see he, too, had a firm handshake. "Italian."

"Yup. My nana and granddad moved in here from Italy. Takin' over the farm now. What's your name, cowboy?"

His eyes sifted over to the little boy, who giggled and hid behind the leg. "Altair."

Ezio nodded. "Strong name. What's your business?"

"Passing through."

Ezio looked behind him at the boy. "C'n 'e stay with us tonight if he don't got a place to sleep?"

Ezio turned and raised an eyebrow at Altair, "You're welcome. It's gonna save ya money, and you'll get a free meal."

Altair leaned back in the rocking chair, watching as the little boy peeked around his father's leg. He looked hopeful.

"This here's Desmond. My son. Always playing cowboys and Indians with our farmhands, Malik an' Kadar. Malik lost an arm saving our farm, least we could do was give his brother an' 'im a place to stay and work."

"Saved your farm?"

Ezio nodded. "Our farm caught fire years ago, and they 'ad jist been wanderin'. 'Elped us nurse it back to health. Damn redskins know the earth."

Altair nodded once—surely there was more to the fire than just that. He looked at the kid again. He wouldn't lie: the kid was adorable.

"Are ya stayin', mister?"

Altair looked back at the father.

"It's all right. We got the room."

Altair sighed. "I suppose."

Desmond whupped in joy, punching the air and dancing as his father watched, smiling. "We gonna 'ave a real cowboy stay wif us! He can play cowboys an' injuns wif me and Malik and Kada'!"

Ezio laughed. "Settle down, 'ere. Why don't you stay out here, an' I'll take care a things in there? If ya don't mind, Altair."

Altair shook his head slowly. "It's the least I can do."

Ezio grinned. "Thanks, partner. Behave, Desmond."

"I promise, pa!"

When his father went in, Desmond looked at Altair as if he were a god. Altair leaned forward when the kid crept closer.

"Can ya shoot the gun real well?"

A smirk tugged at Altair's lips. "Perhaps."

"'Ave ya ever killed an injun?"

He leaned back, the smirk turning into a frown. "I don't like killing unless I have to."

Desmond looked floored. "B-but you're a cowboy, mister!"

This kid was going to be the death of him. He patted his knee, and Desmond scrambled into his lap eagerly—it had been a while since he had seen such innocent idolization.

"Killing isn't always the answer."

"Pa says it is wif Mister Borg'a. Says he's gonna be the deaf of that man even if'in kills 'im."

"What's wrong with Borg'a?"

"Mister Cesare Borg'a's long time enemy a papa's. Mister Borg'a's bin sweepin' up land 'round 'ere for 'is cattle drives. Papa runs a farm, and Mister Borg'a's bin tryin' ta get 'im ta leave. But we got Malik an' Kada' from Mister Borg'a's meanness, so I'm okay wif 'im, 'cause Malik and Kada' are my friends now. Pa says it's bad ta let others know 'bout me bein' friends wif 'em, but I don't care. Those two are great."

The smirk was tugging at Altair lips again from Desmond's happy personality. Yes, it had been a long time since he had been around someone like him.

"An' now you gonna stay wif us, and everyfing's gonna be good, 'cause you can 'elp papa kill Mister Borg'a since 'e's such a bad man. An' then ya can stay wif us, forever, and tell me all ya stories 'bout bein' a cowboy."

He said the last word with such reverence that Altair chuckled quietly. "Stay forever?"

"Yeah, ya'll stay forever and play wif me and Malik and Kada' and 'elp pa work the farm till I grow up and take over."

Altair shook his head. Desmond was grinning at him.

"Sound like a deal? Pa says learnin' ta make deals is impo'tant."

"Impotent?"

"Yeah, real impo'tant. Says is a good skill ta 'ave so ya can negotiate wif others."

Altair decided that he needed to start being around civilization more. This kid was almost too accented to understand. "How old are you, Desmond?"

"Me? I'm five." He was beaming proudly. "Pa's been lettin' me 'elp Malik and Kada' 'round the fields now."

"Really?"

"Yeah! I get ta carry the logs and beat the groun' wif a hoe. Mama doesn't like hoes, says pa used ta sleep wif a bunch'a 'em. I don't know why 'e'd sleep wif a tool like that. Ain't that comfy."

Altair smirked again. To be so innocent once again was just a dream. Ezio came strolling out with a large crate.

"Ready, son? Altair?"

Desmond clung to Altair's neck. "Can 'e carry me?"

Altair managed to pull Desmond off and stick him on his horse. "How about you ride—"

"A cowboy ho'se!" Desmond looked about ready to explode with child-like glee. "I get ta ride a cowboy ho'se!"

Altair took the crate, pointedly ignoring Ezio's protests. They walked in relative silence all the way out of the town and down a small side road to the vast farm the Auditores owned. Altair was impressed. Desmond shrieked when two Indians came walking up. The older of the two reached for the crate.

"Give me the crate."

"Malik! I'm on a cowboy ho'se!"

Malik glanced at the kid before scowling. "Get off the horse before you get hurt. And give me the crate."

"Just tell me where to put it."

"Give me the crate, stranger, and I won't hurt you."

Kadar walked over to squirming Desmond and picked him up off the saddle. "Desmond, this is nothing. You haven't ridden a horse for real yet."

"For real?"

Kadar situated him on his hip, and Altair though he looked more like a woman. The man was young and bright. "Not until you've ridden one bareback."

Desmond was holding onto Kadar's neck, looking awed. "You have?"

"I never told you the story of the first time I did?"

He shook his head so rapidly Altair thought it might snap off. He blinked when he felt the crate removed from his arms, carried off by the one-armed Indian.

"Stupid maggot."

Altair growled, and Ezio placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry about him. He's always harsh to strangers. Kadar, this is Altair. He'll be stayin' with us for a while."

Kadar nodded once and bowed. "Pleasure, sir."

Altair nodded and tipped his hat.

"'E's a real cowboy, Kada'! 'E promised ta play cowboys and injuns wif us!"

Kadar laughed at Altair's frown. "Desmond, what have I and your mother told you about putting words into others' mouths?"

Desmond blinked. "Um…"

Kadar laughed softly, and Altair realized he needed to be careful around these two. But if Malik was as much of an asshole as he had just been, he wouldn't have to worry about ever wanting to stay in where ever the Hell this town was.

"Kadar, come an' help me in the barns with the pigs. Tell Malik to get Altair some water for a bath."

"If you don't mind me saying, sir, I don't think Malik's taken to our newest friend here very well. How about if Desmond and I…"

Ezio seemed to think it over for a bit before sighing and saying, "Yup, you're right, as is usual. You and Desmond draw his water. Send Malik out to the barns. If you'll follow me, Altair, I'll get ya a stall to put her up."

Desmond was chirping merrily as Kadar walked away with the boy. Altair gently took his horse's reins, noting the horse seemed to be relieved at the loss of the high-energy kid, and followed Ezio into one of several barns, nodding in thanks when they stopped in front of an empty stall so he could put up his horse.

"You don't say much, do you? You'll be an interesting guy to have 'round here."

Altair looked at him. "Cesare Borg'a."

Ezio scowled, and Altair raised an eyebrow. "Cesare Borgia's—"

"Borgia?"

Ezio blinked, then laughed. "Yup. My son doesn't speak too well yet; 'though we've been trying to teach him. Being a third generation, this land seems to be swallowing him whole."

Altair nodded.

"Anyway, Cesare Borgia's the rancher across the river. He's been trying to get me to leave these lands for the longest time now. That's 'cause I'm the only one in the way of him takin' over these lands and having kids with that cat of a sister."

Altair didn't let his disgust show.

Ezio sighed and rubbed his face wearily. "He's been sending hooligans and rowdies to our lands. I've shot several of them, but nothing seems to stop 'im."

Altair studied the man in front of him. Without his kid around, it was easy to see the weariness in his face. His eyes, slightly darker than his own, were filled with grief and worry. Altair wondered if such voluminous worry was a product of his family.

Ezio sighed and hung his head, breaking their eye contact as Malik walked in.

"Mister Auditore, while you took Desmond out, we had a brief scuffle with Borgia's men. They were heckling the cows, so we took them in and showed the men a thing or two."

Ezio rested his face in his hands. "Like wolves being egged on, if they keep moving closer, we'll have to move."

He watched as Malik came over and placed his hand on Ezio's arm. "Sir, Kadar and I have pledged our lives to you. You saved us from the feds, and we will fight to the death for you."

Ezio smiled wearily at him. "I know, Malik. An' I thank you for it. You two are good ones, willin' to trust a maggot so easily."

Malik patted his arm.

"Would you mind if I wandered the farm?" Altair said. "After I care for Maria?"

Ezio chuckled. "Not at all. I can give you a tour if'in ya want. Malik'll need to show me where the scuffle was, anyway."

Altair nodded and set about cleaning Maria and settling her in. She seemed happy to be brushed again and washed thoroughly. When he was done, Kadar came and got him, still holding Desmond—although both of them looked much wetter now—and showed him to the tub in the house.

"Miss'us Auditore went to visit a friend of theirs. She'll be back to fix a meal later."

Altair nodded and pulled the hat from his head. He looked over briefly at the two before placing it on Desmond's head. Desmond's eyes bugged out, and he smirked.

"Watch it for me."

Desmond nodded so rapidly he had to cling to the sides of it to keep it on and out of his eyes. Kadar laughed and sent Desmond out of the room.

"Thank you, Mister Altair. You've made his life."

Altair nodded. "I'm glad my presence is good for more than just killing."

Kadar smiled, bowed, and walked out. Altair undressed and slipped into the water, relaxing immediately in the hot water. It had been too long since he had last had a bath like this. He waited until the water had turned lukewarm before he scrubbed down, noticing the sun going down. He heard a shout outside.

"Mama! Mama! Look! I'm wearin' a real cowboy 'at! Is a real one, I promise!"

He let himself chuckle. That kid had too much energy. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen a kid that happy in all of his travels. His mood was infectious, too: Altair hadn't laughed in years, and now, an hour into meeting someone, here he was, chuckling in the privacy of the tub. He shook his head—so much for all the work he had put into being stoic and silent. Perhaps he was just overwhelmed by the happiness of the family despite their situation. He dressed quietly, pleased to find a clean set of clothes where his old ones had been. Kadar must have switched them out.

He walked through the wooden house silently, regardless of the boots on his feet. As he pushed open the front door, he found Desmond screeching in his hat, his fingers like "L"s as he shouted, "Bang, bang!" Kadar was letting him chase him and wrestle with him.

"We've been blessed."

He looked to see Ezio sitting on a rocking chair, a beautiful woman by his side in another. He nodded and reached for his hat to bow in her presence, only to realize Desmond still had it. The lady laughed.

"No need to be so polite. The name's Caterina! You'll see me out there workin' the fields with you men tomorrow. I leave most of the housework ta Kadar."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I know: she's an odd one, but Kadar and Desmond clicked quickly, so she taught him how to manage the household. I'm grateful she helps in the fields. She's one Helluva wife."

She nodded once, scoffing. "You're lucky."

"I know I am. Here, Altair, have a seat. Once Kadar manages to free Malik from his captor, we'll show ya around."

Altair nodded, looking back to Kadar and Desmond. Sure enough, Malik was a little ways off, a soft smile on his lips as he shifted in the poorly knotted rope. Desmond was pretending to shoot at Kadar, defending his prize. He smirked when Malik undid the ropes quietly and stood. He scooped up the tike, who screamed in surprised, and gave him a raspberry on his neck, causing the kid to dissolve in a fit of laughter. Kadar tickled his sides as the overly large hat fell off his head, and Desmond was kicking and fidgeting as he laughed, helpless to their tickling tactics.

Finally, Desmond cried out for mercy, and they let him pick up his hat and run over to the porch-dwellers. Desmond hopped on each of the two stairs to the porch, holding onto the sides of the hat. He climbed into Altair's lap, unbidden, and settled into as if he belonged there. Altair's brow knitted together.

"Desmond, ask before you just go clambering into someone's lap," Caterina chastised him, and Desmond bowed his head, peeking out from the under big hat and giving Altair the biggest, saddest kicked-puppy look he could.

"May I sit in yer lap, Mister Alt'ir?"

He was still giving him that look as Kadar spoke. "He's got a terrible way of getting what he wants."

Altair was going to tell him to get off, but there was no point. Altair shrugged. "I don't mind."

Desmond hollered with joy and settled into his lap, placing the cowboy hat back on Altair's head the best he could. "There's your cap, sir! I took reeeeeeeeal good care of it fo'ya, which'in was 'ard 'cause there was injuns attackin' us."

Altair nodded, a smirk tugging at his lips. "I saw. A good fight."

"I bet ya coulda killed 'em faster wif yer gun. Jist pull it ou' and blam!" Altair grabbed Desmond as he gestured wildly to keep him from falling off. "I bet ya've killed lots, right?"

"Only when the occasion needs it, which is seldom."

Desmond looked like he didn't believe him. Kadar ruffled Desmond's hair as he came and stood by them. "Why don't we let these guys give your cowboy a tour of the farm, and we'll help your mom—"

Desmond clung to Altair's neck, and he didn't know what to do.

"No! I wanna go wif 'em on the tour! Cin I come? Please?"

Ezio sighed as he pushed from his chair. "If your ma says it's okay."

Caterina nodded. "Run'im good. He needs a good running."

Desmond whooped and climbed down, bouncing. "Le's go! Come on, comeon, comn!"

Malik shook his head slowly. "How did you two give birth to such a wild child?"

Desmond had run several feet off the porch by now, gesturing wildly for them to come. Altair, Ezio, Malik, and Kadar made their way slowly toward him. He'd run off a few feet, then come running back, and repeat.

"I don't know, but at least we know he's healthy."

Altair watched him, amused.

"Anyway," Ezio began, "these are the barns. Ya've seen those. Cows and horses in these two, and the sheep and pigs in the third."

He listened closely as he was shown the three well-built barns. There were large, open plots of land behind each one, and on the other side of the hand-built log house were crops. There was river at the edge of the grazing areas, and it was here they stopped briefly as Malik gave Ezio a quiet run down of what happened. Altair looked across the river, examining the other side as Desmond played in the shallows, still wet from helping Kadar fetch his bath. He glanced at the boy when he was splashed, only to see Desmond holding a small frog in his hands.

"Now, now, mister hoppy-toad. I'm gonna take real good care of ya. An' you an' I are gonna win lotsa races against stupid Robert."

Altair squatted by the boy, who looked at him and held out his prize, beaming. "We're gonna beat that mean ol' Robert de Stable Stupidhead an' whup 'im real good. 'E was pickin' on Lucy yestaday, an' I promised 'er I'd beat 'im good at the next frog contest."

"A race?"

"Naw, a frog jumpin' contest."

He clicked his tongue and pushed the frog back into his tiny little fingers. Altair felt sorry for the frog, realizing it wouldn't live long if the boy took it back to the house. He reached out and covered his hands. Desmond looked at him curiously. "Let this one go home to his family."

Desmond looked shocked. "'E's got a fam'ly? I'm sorry, mister hoppy-toad! B-but 'ow cin I win if'in I don't got a hoppy-toad ta jump?"

"Kadar can sew, right?"

Desmond nodded.

"Let's make you a frog outfit, and you can jump."

Desmond's eyes bugged out. "For real?"

Altair nodded and gently pried the boy's hands apart. Save a life where he could, and perhaps he could be forgiven for all the killing he had done. They watched the frog hop back into the river with a loud croak and a splash, and Desmond was all ready on Kadar's pant leg, explaining the next big plan to him. Kadar was laughing quietly, a hand over his mouth to keep it hidden, and Altair watched them fondly. Kadar reached down and picked the kid up, who yawned mightily in mid-sentence, and promised that he would do that.

After Malik was done, Ezio turned to Altair, "Tomorrow, I'll show ya the town."

He showed him the rest of the farm: the wood pile, the tools, the animals, and the house itself. Caterina had prepared a small cot for him in the same room as Desmond. Altair ate his dinner on the porch, staring out over the river to the land beyond and watching for any shifting shadows. As he ate, he enjoyed not having to talk to anyone. Snippets of the dinner conversation drifted out to him through the screened door.

"He's an odd one," Kadar said.

"He's a stupid one, coming here," Malik snapped.

There, in the bushes, a shadow was moving on the far side of the river. Best let it get closer.

"'E's dange'ous, ain't 'e, pa?"

There was silence as he slowly drew his pistol as the figure waded into the water.

"Yes, son," came Ezio's tired response.

"W'at?"

Altair let a two shots ring out, watching the humanoid figure fall on the Auditore property. There was a scramble before Malik came rushing out.

"Borgia!"

Altair turned and looked at him slowly, his plate still in one hand as holstered his gun.

"What did you do, you novice?" Malik snarled, grabbing a lantern from inside and rushing out.

Altair turned away, looking toward the body. Malik and Ezio went rushing out.

"W'addya do, Mister Alt'ir?"

He looked down at Desmond and ruffled his hair. The boy smiled at him. If only he was deserving of such an innocent smile.

"Desmond, why don't you come inside and finish your dinner?"

Desmond clung to Altair's pants. "No! I wanna see w'at 'appened!"

Kadar came out with a sigh. "Please?"

Desmond shook his head, pouting. Several minutes later, Ezio and Malik looking impressed.

"I'll be damned," Ezio whispered, giving Altair a close once over.

Malik was impassive, which Altair took as a sign of being impressed.

"I ain't never seen nothing like you."

"W'at 'appened!" Desmond cried, stomping his foot, still clinging to Altair.

Malik looked him straight in the eye. "He killed Cesare's right-hand man from the porch with two shots."

Desmond's jaw dropped. "Really?"

"Really, really, kiddo," Ezio said as he shook his head.

Desmond looked at Altair, who was gazing out over the land. He finished the last bite on his plate and turned, walking in silently. The boy had let go of his pants. He deposited his plate in the wash bin, murmured a quiet "Thank you" to Caterina, tipped his hat, and walked to his cot. He pulled off his shirt and hat, tucking the gun's belt underneath, and settled into the bed. He was half asleep when he heard the voices of Desmond and Kadar.

"'E's real dange'ous, ain't 'e?"

He watched Kadar tuck the boy in through half-lidded eyes. Once he was in his bed clothes and under the covers, Kadar sat on the edge and ran a hand through his hair, kissing his forehead.

"He most certainly is, Desmond. Far more dangerous than you could ever imagine."

"Really?"

"But he's not dangerous to us."

"Huh?"

Kadar sighed and blew out the light. He walked to the door before he said, "Just know if you're in trouble, Altair is the man you need to get to, okay?"

There was a noncommittal noise from the boy.

"Promise, Dessie?"

There was a happy chirp from the bed. "Promise, Kada'."

"Good. Sleep tight."

"Night, Kada'."

The door was shut, and the room was dark except for the small amount of the light the stars poured through the window. He saw Desmond shift and stare at him. Then, the boy got up and walked over, quiet as a mouse, and squatted near him. Altair could see the question on the boy's face, and lifted the blanket. Desmond gasped and fell on his rump, and Altair waited patiently. Finally, the boy crawled in and curled up against his chest.

"Goo' night, Mister Alt'ir. Thank ya."

Altair watched the boy until he fell asleep. He looked out the window as he wrapped an arm around him to keep him close. The stars seemed to be staring back at him, all of them another eye that was witness to the deeds he had done. His arm pressed the boy closer to him, and Desmond made a noise and snuggled closer.

Heaven forbid this boy should be taken from him, too.