Hush little baby don't say a word…
Smash, I felt something drive into my skull, and my vision shattered like a glass mirror. Everything went red and black, then I saw spots of gold that spun in circles like a galaxy.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird…
Slice, pain in my stomach. I doubled over, trying to hold the blood in, but it leaked through my fingers. Dizziness made me stumbled and I fell to my knees. I gagged.
And if that mockingbird won't sing…
Crack, searing agony swept up my arm and I screamed. My eyes rolled back into my head and blood dripped out of my throat down my chin. I let out a sob and a cry, feeling my bones snapping like twigs.
Then I'm gonna gag you with some string…
I rolled over, trying to avoid the next blow, but was too weak. I felt my ribs crack and more blood bubbled to my lips. Was this is end?
Your worthless baby, no one loves you…
I felt rope wrap around my neck, and I let out a plea. A plea not to my attacker, but to god. Please… please… please…
All of my words were untrue…
The rope tightened, and something, or someone, grabbed my arms and I was dragged across the gravelly ground, the rocks digging sharply into my flesh.
Baby, there's no such thing…
Please… god… don't let me die here… not by the hand of this person.. please…
…as I love you.
##
(Third Person POV)
"Tohru, I'm so sorry about your mother's death."
"Oh dear… I'm so sorry about your loss."
"Poor girl, I'm so sorry."
"Goodness, you're so young! I'm so sorry about your mother."
"You're mother was a wonderful woman. I'm so sorry to see her go."
"So sorry Tohru."
"Sorry Tohru."
They all apologize like they killed her! Why do they do this? They don't understand!
Tohru nodded sweetly and politely to all the good people, she was a nice girl, she didn't want to say what she was thinking. She didn't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want anyone to feel the pain that I do…
She stood up. She couldn't stand their pitying glanced any longer, besides, she had things to take care of. She was on her own now. All alone…
A home. She needed a home.
Oh sure, grampy would certainly offer her a place to stay, but she couldn't burden him like that. She had to take care of herself, she had to learn.
Tohru would work hard, hard enough so she could get enough money to pay grampy back when he finished his renovations, when she would move in.
But for now, she needed to find a place to stay. She couldn't ever ask Hanajima or Uotani, she would never want to push herself upon anyone.
At the time, a life in the forest seemed like a good idea. Fun even.
By the third day she was seriously starting to regret her decision, but she was determined and when Torhu set her mind on something, she went through with it all the way.
By the end of the week she was filthy and exhausted, but feeling better about her choice. The trick was to learn the rules of the forest, know how to cope with it's harsh and roughness.
It was tricky to keep up her grades, not when she was spending most of her free time trying to keep her tent tied down against the wind, hiding her food from animals, and trying desperately to clean her dirty clothes.
School… Tohru liked school. She really did. But it got in the way sometimes.
When she learned she had to transfer to a different school, she was quite distraught, but knew it was necessary. She just couldn't keep paying such high tuition fees, so she said a tearful temporary goodbye to her friends and packed away her uniform for good.
"Tohry Honda? This way please." The teacher said politely, guiding her down the hall to her homeroom.
Everyone was so kind to her. So many smiles, so many chuckles, Tohru was received with open arms in this school.
She was loving it.
By lunch she had already made a whole group of friends, and she found she could smile easier now.
It was hard to smile when you were a homeless orphan in a brand new school.
But somehow she always did it.
But she noticed one kid in her class who never did.
She didn't know much about him, but she was immediately drawn to him. Maybe it was his handsome face, bright orange hair, strange almost-red eyes, or that dark haunted look in his eyes.
She tried talking to him once, but he just brushed her off, seeming angry at her. It was odd.
One of her new friends told her his name: Kyo Sohma, cousin of another kid in their school named Yuki Sohma.
Tohru new Yuki Sohma, he was just as or even more gorgeous then his gloomy quiet cousin. But it was Kyo that Tohru wanted to get to know. She didn't know why.
"Hey… Kyo?" She asked nervously, and noticed how his eyes widened with surprise, then an unrecognizable emotion crossed them, then they became guarded. Just like before.
"What do you want?" He snapped, turning away, eyes narrowed.
"Umm, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime."
"No." Kyo replied sharply and Tohru flinched.
"O- Oh. Okay. Sorry…" She turned away, and he got up to leave, grabbing his books with his left hand, his right hanging limply at his side.
She learned a few days ago that his right hand was completely paralyzed. She didn't ask him why, for fear she would push him away more. He was an enigma.
She watched him walk away, sadness welling in her heart. She wanted to help him, befriend him, wipe away that grey sorrow that seemed to cloak him.
Why did he act as though she was his enemy? Why did he act like everyone was his enemy?
##
(Third Person POV)
The wind was crisp and autumn leaves floated lazily through the air, and the crunch of their boots echoed through the forest.
"You know, that Tohru girl just wanted to be your friend." A boy with black and white hair told Kyo.
"Shut up Hatsuharu." He hissed, lips tight, left fist so tight his knuckles turned white.
He and his family walked quietly through the woods, going "home".
Kyo had no home. Kyo didn't care. Kyo didn't need anything so uncertain, so unsecure.
And his family, peh. They were hardly his family. He had no family. He was no Sohma, regardless what his last name was.
Yuki snapped him a glance, but Kyo ignored it. Yuki hated him, he knew. Hated him because he couldn't "get over himself". Or so Yuki says.
Yuki was sick of Kyo being sick.
They reached their small house, the building that housed Kyo, Yuki, and Shigure, and was a temporary residence of Hatsuharu and Momiji.
Kyo hated it, hated being surrounded by people that knew what his past was, knew that he was messed up, he hated it even more then being at school where he was surrounded by oblivious, stupid, kids.
Shigure met them at the door, a ridiculous grin on his face.
"Guess what- we have a guest!" He exclaimed, drawing someone outside.
It was that girl. That stupid, delusional girl. Tohru.
Her eyes widened when she saw Kyo, and Kyo glared back at her.
"What's she doing here?" He snapped, teeth clenched.
"Calm down Kyo. I found her living in a tent in the woods a little ways away from here. I offered her a place to stay." Shigure replied calmly, but there was a sliver of pity in his eyes, like there always was when he looked at Kyo.
Kyo bristled and looked away, wanting to scream. Wanting to… to… NO! He couldn't do that, he swore he wouldn't do that! Not after what happened… he couldn't risk falling back to that level of insanity… he…
"Kyo? You ok?" Momiji asked, and Kyo nodded quickly. He pushed past Shigure and Tohru, and practically ran to his room.
…he swore he wouldn't do this ever again… he swore on that woman's life… but…
He gritted his teeth and shook his head. What did oaths matter anymore? Fuck that.
Kyo turned to his beside table and slowly walked toward it, and opened the drawer.
He pulled out the knife and took a moment to stare at it, to contemplate just what he was doing, then sighed.
He couldn't… not after what happened. Never- he never wanted to become that person again.
He shoved the knife back in the drawer and slammed it shut, and stared in horror as tears began dripping down his face.
He was pathetic.
##
(Tohru's POV)
Why did he hate me so much? What did I ever do to him? He hates me like… like… like I've wronged him somehow.
"He's like that with everyone. Don't worry about it." Shigure assured, but I didn't feel any better. Why would someone hate everyone so much? Why?
"Why?"
Shigure turned away. "Something's aren't meant to be spoken about."
Something was going on with that boy, something bad. I wanted to… I just wanted to help.
And now I was doing the one thing I told myself I'd never do: I was burdening someone.
I swore I would make it up to these people, these people that convinced me to stay in their little makeshift family.
I would cook, clean, do all the housework. In return, they would give me place to stay.
Over the next few hours I got to know the Sohma family, Kyo excluded of course. He hadn't even come out of his room yet.
They were all related, most of them cousins. All Sohma's, a huge family that resided a little ways away. They were lucky to be granted the ability to live off of the main Sohma residence, apparently. The head Sohma was apparently quite strict.
"So what about you? Why were you living all alone in the woods?" Shigure asked absentmindedly, as he chewed on the end of his pencil.
"O- Oh, well- I didn't have a place to stay so…"
"So you decided to camp?" Momiji gaped incredulously. He was a sweet but clueless kid. I kind of liked him.
Our conversation was cut short when Kyo suddenly walked in, his hair shielding his eyes from sight, mouth set in an emotionless line.
"Kyo?" Shigure asked cautiously.
"I'm fine." He breathed, walking past us to the fridge, where he pulled out a jug of milk and poured himself a glass. "When's supper?"
I jumped up, realizing I'd forgotten I had a pot of soup on the stove, which would surely be burning soon.
Kyo moved out of the way when I ran to the pot, and watched as I turned off the burner and vigorously stirred it, making sure it hadn't burnt to the bottom of the pot.
Once I was sure it was ok, and edible, I began serving it into the bowls Shigure had previously pointed out to me.
When I tried to hand Kyo his bowl, he shook his head.
"M'not hungry." He muttered and turned away.
"Kyo, you have to eat." Shigure replied, fixing a worrying stare at the ginger boy.
"I'm fine. I'm just not hungry…" He hissed, and began walking away, but Shigure grabbed his arm, making Kyo flinch violently.
"Wait Kyo-" He began but Kyo ripped away from him, whole body shaking.
"Don't touch me!" He snapped, wrapping his arms around himself, and ran off.
Shigure shook his head sadly, and sat back down. He glanced at Hatsuharu.
"It's getting worse…"
"Sorry about that Tohru. Just ignore Kyo." Yuki smiled politely. "He's a weak fool that cant get a grip."
I already knew that Yuki hated Kyo, and didn't take his harsh words to heart.
I looked back to where Kyo had disappeared. Would he be alright?
##
(Kyo's POV)
Bright red… harsh, groady, spilling all over the place…
That was what I wanted.
I dug the knife deeper into my arm, where I could still feel it. I was tempted to drag it down, to slice open my veins and arteries, to let the blood spill and drain my body once more…
NO! No, I wont do that again! I'll just… just allow myself to do this. This will do, this will keep the madness away…
I slid the blade across my skin again, watching as the blood bubbled up then spilt over. I made similar horizontal cuts, running them down my arm, tracing over my old scars with the knife, cutting open the skin once again.
I kept on going until I got to my wrist, avoiding cutting my horrid bracelet, where I could no longer feel. I hated it. I stab deeper, still no feeling, the blood rained down.
"Deeper… cut deeper…" I breathed, and dug even farther into my useless wrist, but still… I felt nothing.
I let out a cry of anger and despair and tore the knife out of my hand and flung it across the room where it hit the wall and stayed there.
I slumped to the floor, watching the blood flow.
Then something hit me- was I trying again?
"No… no, I cant die yet…" I crawled across my floor weakly and grabbed a shirt from laundry and wrapped it over my brutalized arm.
I watched as the blood soaked through the white material, like a blossoming crimson flower.
I heard a knock on my door.
"Go'way…" I muttered, too tired to deal with them. They didn't understand the pain.
"Kyo?" It was Shigure…
I repeated my plea again, quieter this time. "Go'way…"
The door opened slowly and the older man gasped upon seeing my blood drenched shirt wrapped around my arm.
"Kyo… oh no… oh no…" He whispered, kneeling beside me, carefully unwrapping the shirt and stared at the extensive damage. "Kyo… oh Kyo…"
"you don't… understand…" I breathed, inching away from him.
"No I don't Kyo… I don't…" He muttered sadly, then reached his arm out. "May I touch you?"
I nodded, and he grasped my shoulder and pulled me into a loose embrace.
"Shigure? Is everything alright?" Hatsuharu's voice floated up the stairs.
"No. Keep Yuki and Tohru down there, then come up and help me." Shigure called back and I bristled. Help do what? Would they send me off to a psychiatrist again? No, that won't help, not at all.
"Kyo… good god." Hatsuharu whispered and came over to kneel beside us. "Should we take him to the hospital?"
"No…" Shigure sighed. "no, that wouldn't do anything. Kyo, are you alright now?"
I nodded numbly. I'd done it again… I'd hurt myself. At least I didn't try suicide again… that wouldn't go down well.
My gaze flickered to my limp and useless hand. No… that wouldn't go down well at all.
##
I lay in bed, thoughts swirling in my head… and soon I found myself drifting asleep.
##
Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull
And if that cart and bull fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
Do you really believe this?
You stupid little ginger piss?
Look at you, filthy and beat
There are cuts on your hands and feet
Bruises and damage all over you
Blood and puss sticky like glue
You cant walk on your broken leg
You sit and cry and lie and beg
You cant see through swollen eyes
But you can hear as mommy dies
Stupid baby, you sicken me
I ignore it when you plea
Do you still believe as I kick you down,
That you're the sweetest baby in town?