This story contains two OCs: Ethel and Eunice. But it's still based around Cloud and Sephiroth. There's your OC warning.
If you would like to see the start of these two lovely elderly womens' visits to my stories, go ahead and read Welcome to the Neighborhood. Because that's their first appearance. Then they made their way into The Haunting of Nibelheim, Saturday Mornings, and Let Me Just Stalk You (as two crazy ass old ladies beating each other with purses).
Ethel and Eunice Gurden were old.
Not the "look at that sweet old lady" kind of old.
The "why the shit are those two elderly women smacking each other with purses" old.
Eunice was a tad bit off of her rocker, so to speak; her memory was about as long as she was tall. She refused to believe Ethel was her twin sister, despite them having the same exact birthday. Every year, she would stand up during their soap opera and claim Ethel had stolen her birthday and was most definitely not her twin. And then Ethel would smack her upside the head with her purse and demand to know what their mother would say if she'd heard her daughter speak like that.
And of course, that got Eunice all in a tizzy because really, ma was dead? Why wasn't she invited to the funeral? How long ago was this? Why the hell did Ethel know and not Eunice?
Yes, Ethel and Eunice Gurden were old. And very strange old ladies.
And they stalked their neighbor, Cloud Strife.
Not "stalked" per say; they merely had a favorite pastime they fondly called "Cloud watching". Every morning at precisely 10:30, they would hobble their way out of their little magenta house (because every other house was such a damn boring color. Why should they leave their house that nasty brown? Magenta was much nicer.). They would settle down in their matching wooden rockers that were turned not-too-noticeably to face their neighbor's white house, and they would watch. Of course, they had their chairs turned all of the way in that general direction, so they weren't exactly succeeding in being discreet.
To be honest, they couldn't have been discreet if their lives depended on it.
Eunice would fall asleep and the second Ethel made an attempt at waking her, she'd start screaming bloody murder. Ethel liked to sing to the cats, and they both quite enjoyed reading the newspaper loudly in Russian (though where they had learned Russian, nobody was sure). In fact, Cloud had once walked over, and politely asked if they were watching him.
Eunice had laughed her horse-laugh and gone "Sonny, we're Cloud watching. Unless you're a cloud, we ain't watching you".
Despite Cloud clearly knowing that they watched him everyday, he went about his life and tried his hardest to ignore them. And they continued their game of Cloud watching. They knew his day by heart; he would cross the street to Sephiroth's house at quarter to eleven, and go back home around noon. Around one, he walked his dog. Three, he went back to Sephiroth's, and the tall, lanky, and very rude (he frequently screamed "what the fuck are you old hags looking at?" at the two elderly women) man returned home with him.
What they could never figure out was why Sephiroth didn't go home on some nights. Did they fall asleep and miss it? Were they just that blind? Did they imagine the young man entering the house?
These were very important questions, and they were going to be answered.
For it was Saturday, and Ethel and Eunice were prepared to camp out until a record breaking eight o'clock at night to find out if Sephiroth would return home. They had gingersnaps, they had tea, and they had binoculars. Seven pairs, actually. Just in case something happened to one. And there was Cloud, about to head to Sephiroth's.
"Shut yer trap, Eunice!" Ethel half-shouted, whacking her sister on the arm despite the fact that Eunice had fallen asleep. She frantically waved her bony old-lady hand around and started shrieking at the blonde. "Cloud! How nice to see you! Going to Sephiroth's, are you?"
"Oh… Hello, Ethel. Eunice." Cloud called back unenthusiastically, halting at the edge of the street. "Yup, I, uh… Forgot something at his house."
"Oh, that's nice, dearie. You two have fun!" Eunice wailed with a smile that was completely lacking teeth.
The blonde twisted his face in disgust and gave them a half-wave before crossing the street. Did they have binoculars? He knew his elderly neighbors were right wing nutcases, but seriously? Binoculars? The sides of their houses were less than 10 feet away from each other—and their fucking rocking chairs were just as close. If he walked into his bathroom that night and just happened to see two old women ogling him through binoculars, he was calling the cops. He didn't give a shit if they were old. They were creepy, there was always a weird smell coming from their house, they had way too many cats, and he was positive they beat the daylights out of each other hourly. He scurried across the street, rushed up Sephiroth's walkway, and practically kicked the door in.
The slam echoed across the street, and Eunice and Ethel rocked back and forth in their chairs, matching smiles on their identical faces. Showing those lovely gums of theirs. They each gathered up a pair of binoculars and immediately began watching Sephiroth's front door, like the true creepy old ladies they were.
And to their delight, Sephiroth had not pulled his living room curtains shut that morning.
They watched Cloud and Sephiroth standing in the middle of the room, chatting about who-knows-what—probably vandalizing techniques and other ways to ruin their faces with piercings. Sephiroth's lip ring was enough. They did not need more of those hideous metal objects. Then they hugged. Nothing abnormal about two friends hugging; Ethel and Eunice hugged each other everyday.
…Something was not right with the current interaction.
Eunice slowly lowered her binoculars and squinted across the street. "Ethel?"
"The hell ya want, Eunice?" Ethel squawked, eyes glued to Sephiroth's window.
"Is the youngin's shirt off, or am I seein' things?"
"I can't tell. I ain't seein' nothing with these damn things!" Ethel complained loudly, stomping her slippered foot.
Eunice turned to look at her twin. Who was holding her binoculars backwards. "You dumb piece'a shit! Ya ain't even holding it right!"
Ethel pulled the binoculars away, glared at her sister, then turned them the right way around and looked through them again. "Not everyone's perfect, you cun—Eunice, why the hell's he got his shirt off for?"
"That's what I asked, ya old hag!"
Eunice looked through her binoculars again, and together they watched as Sephiroth took his shirt off, too. Their neighbors were now standing in the middle of the living room, shirtless—and why did Sephiroth have his hand on Cloud's back? Were they hot or something? It was only 80 out! That was not warm—it was slippers and bathrobe weather.
And were they kissing?
"Ethel!" Eunice screeched, waving her bony hand at her sister. "Are they kissin'?"
"Don't be an idiot, Eunice! Men don't kiss. Cloud's just got somethin' stuck in his teeth." Ethel snapped, batting the hand away and squinting into her binoculars.
It certainly looked like kissing. Maybe it was something kids just did nowadays—like smoking, cursing at elderly women, and loitering outside after 5 PM. The strange embrace lasted awhile longer with Ethel and Eunice watching while rocking in their little wooden chairs. Was Sephiroth's hand down the back of Cloud's pants? That was completely inappropriate! Why, back in the 1800s—which was probably when Ethel and Eunice were born—men would probably lose their heads for that. And both "heads". Probably. They were beginning to wonder if the two men would ever part when cat-like green eyes suddenly twitched up and stared directly at them through the window.
"Eunice, I think Sephiroth sees us!" Ethel whispered—which was about as loud as an average human being shouting.
In one swift movement, Sephiroth flipped up his middle finger at the both of them, reached forward, and yanked the curtains shut, effectively ending Cloud watching.
"Ethel and Eunice?" Cloud questioned with a frown, twisting around to his boyfriend.
Sephiroth glared at the curtains for a few seconds longer, then wrapped his arms around the blonde and kissed his forehead. "Those nutbags are gonna wake up dead someday."
"Seph, they're harmless. They're just nosy." Cloud pointed out, kissing the taller man on the nose.
"Cloud, they camp out on their front porch and think they're discreetly watching you." Sephiroth whined, burying his face in the blonde spikes. "Isn't that the least bit creepy to you?"
"Well, yeah." Cloud shrugged. "There's a reason I have a security system."
Sephiroth chuckled and drew Cloud into a kiss—one that was happily returned.
Back across the street, Ethel and Eunice had lowered their binoculars with identical frowns of dissatisfaction.
"Ethel, he's ruined Cloud watchin'."
"I know, Eunice. I know." Ethel replied grumpily. "And he flipped us the bird. That little bastard."
"He's not little, Ethel! He's taller than both of us!" Eunice pointed out with a deep scowl.
"Shut the fuck up, Eunice." Ethel snapped, whacking her upside the head.
"Ya know, back in our day, kids ain't never showed that disrespect to the elderly!"
"I know, Eunice. Let's go make dinner." Ethel sighed, slowly making her way to her feet.
Eunice's face broke into an excited grin. "What we havin'?"
"I'm thinkin' oatmeal tonight." Ethel replied cheerily.
"Gosh darn, I love oatmeal! Make it like my ma used to make it. Add a pinch of—"
"Eunice, I know how ma used to make it. We're sisters ya nincompoop."
"I ain't have a sister!" Eunice bellowed, slapping Ethel on the arm.
True, back in their day, kids may not have insulted their elders. However, back in those days, the elderly likely didn't stalk their neighbor and watch him make out with his boyfriend. Of course, the concept of homosexuality was completely lost on the two of them. But hell, whatever makes them happy, right?
I had to show the old hags some loving. If anything in this offended you, it was in no way intended to.
Sorry it's so short. Thanks for reading! Leave a review?
Ethel and Eunice, fuck yeah.