Title: Awake
A/N: This one is for silvertwi. Thanks for purchasing me and my talents in the FGB auction and giving me the freedom to take this where ever I wanted. You would never believe how hard it is to start from scratch. This fic is actually based on something I quickly jotted down in between chapters of Once Bitten, Twice Shy months ago.
Hope it's what you wanted.
**************
With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.
And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.
And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breath, it is dear. So please stay near.
Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,
That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.
Awake, Secondhand Serenade
I mark my life in the moments that have passed since I first laid eyes on her. Everything before exists in a foggy state of unreality, a dream half remembered. My heart was merely ticking off beats waiting for that second to arrive, and the moment she entered that cafeteria my carefully structured world shattered and collapsed around my ears. I had crafted my reality to fit the image of what I thought it should be, and here was the one element I could never have foreseen. I knew from that minute on that my life would never be the same.
And it definitely hasn't. I have been through so many ups and downs since then it was like riding a roller coaster at an amusement park, but I wouldn't trade any of it for the plans I had once made. The ride has been worth the destination. Are there some things I would have done differently given a second chance? Definitely, but I don't think any of it would have made a difference. I am exactly in the place I was always meant to be, even if it isn't the place I would have chosen for myself years ago.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is some alternate universe where she didn't change my life in every way possible. If some other Edward is out there in the cosmos going about the motions of life each day without ever really having lived it. I feel sorry for him. Life is just passing him by, and he isn't even awake enough to realize it.
That day stands out in my memory above all other because, in my mind, it is the day I was born into my life, and who can forget a birthday? I sat there in the large room surrounded by the hustle and bustle of students as they came and went with their lunch trays. The world buzzed around me, but I sat, a rock in this sea of people mesmerized by the new face that had entered our cloistered world of teenagers.
Here in Forks, we all knew each other. Our parents all knew each other. Even our grandparents knew each other, and so it went from time immemorial. Every so often a new face would make itself known to us, and would become a major blip on our radar for a month or two before disappearing and blending into the background like all the rest of us. But her face shone like a beacon in the darkness calling out to me. It almost seemed lit from within like the face of an angel.
She stood there looking confusedly around herself with a tray of food in one hand, and a paperback copy of Sense and Sensibility in the other. Her beautiful brown curls cascaded down around her shoulders shielding her from the rest of the world. I fought the urge to walk straight over to her and propose right there on the spot. Some small, still rational part of my brain reminded me that she might think some strange boy descending to one knee on her first day in a new school was some sort of psychopath. I settled on offering her a place to sit.
My feet placed themselves on autopilot as I maneuvered my way across the crowded room students swimming in and out of my field of view blocking this vision of loveliness from my sight for a few moments. When the crowd finally parted, I made a beeline for where she stood seeking a friendly face.
"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen," I smiled my brightest smile only a few feet away from her. She dragged her eyes away from the tray in front of her to find my face. It might have just been my imagination, but I could have sworn I saw a flash of recognition in her eyes when they found mine.
"Hi," she answered me shyly, "I'm Isabella Swan. You can call me Bella." Her smile mirrored my own.
"You must be Chief Swan's daughter," Now there was a name I knew as well as my own, and in an instant I recognized the features of the town's police chief on the face in front of me. His soft brown eyes and curls were immediately identifiable, but the soft curve of his cheek and the gentle smile that he often wore took a moment longer to present themselves beneath the curtain of hair that she used to mask the blush that rose to her cheeks at the mention of her father's name.
The color her face took on was beautiful, and my heart turned into a drum beating within my chest tapping out a staccato tune in reaction to her shy smile. I wanted nothing more than to know this girl, to know exactly how to make her smile, blush, sigh . . .
"So, Bella," I tried to sound nonchalant, but I could feel the emotion creeping into my voice, "you wanna come sit with me and my sister?" I pointed across the room at the small round table my sister now occupied alone. "I promise not to bite," I laughed a little at the nervous expression on her face.
She giggled at my joke and nodded. I smiled in return and led the way over to the table where Alice was waiting, staring in shocked disbelief at my behavior during the past few minutes. I had left the table without telling her where I was going and returned with Bella unannounced.
"Alice," I spoke when we finally reached the table, "this is Bella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter." Bella held up a hand and waved shyly. I looked at my sister's face pleadingly, silently begging her to understand what had possessed me to go over and invite this strange girl to sit at our table. She caught my eyes for a moment, and something unspoken passed between us. Her eyes grew wide for a moment as she caught on to my motivation. She smiled coyly at me before turning her attention to Bella.
"Hi Bella," she chimed her welcome. My pixie of a younger sister smiled knowingly as she slid over making room for Bella in the chair that lay between the two of us. "We've all been expecting you for a while now. So how do you like Forks?"
The look on her face spoke volumes. She looked conflicted for a moment while considering her answer, and I knew that there was a lot more to this girl than met the eye. I could almost see the wheels turning behind her eyes.
"I don't like the rain, but I do like being here with my dad," she answered diplomatically, but I could see from her expression that there was so much there left unspoken. Her eyes spoke to mine of a longing for something that she left behind, perhaps for her mother or the heat of the place she had known as home for as long as she was able to remember. Everyone in town knew where she had been for the past fifteen years. We knew the story as well as any of our families' stories. How Renee had had enough of small town life, had run away from the place where she'd grown up, leaving Charlie behind all alone and dragging their infant daughter along with her. We'd all heard when they finally settled in Arizona after four years of wandering aimlessly from place to place.
Bella carelessly picked up an apple from her lunch tray biting into it slowly. The crunching sound filled my ears holding me entranced. The world was becoming the strangest place. Until today, I would have sworn that I'd been awake, but everything before now seemed so dull in comparison to the flood of information that was coming in through each of my senses now. The world was alive with color and sound. I could see each and every tiny rose-colored vein in the flesh of the apple that Bella pulled slowly away from her lips, the tiny creases in the skin of around her mouth, and the moisture that glistened on her mouth left behind by the apple. The smell of the apple flooded my senses, and I breathed it in hungrily.
I sighed softly, and Bella looked over at me questioningly. "Everything okay?"
"Hmm," I answered her absentmindedly. "Oh, yeah. Sorry, my mind was somewhere else. So, what classes do you have this afternoon?" I made an attempt at casual conversation, but my attention was held by the throbbing of the vein I could just make out beneath the pale skin of her neck. From the look of it, her heart was racing nearly as quickly as my own. I watched as it fluttered just beneath the surface like the wings of a bird struggling against the air.
She waited a moment before responding. "Biology and English."
My breath caught in my throat at her response. She'd quoted my afternoon schedule. "Mr. Banner and Mrs. Cole?"
She pulled a folded piece of paper from the pocket of her jacket and studied it carefully for a moment. Looking up at my face, she smiled and nodded. I felt my heart skip a beat. Something inside me told me that the world had changed in its fundamental make up. For all I knew, the Earth could have skipped off its orbit around the sun and begun careening off into space, and honestly, I didn't care. The only thing that mattered was sitting next to me, and I breathed for what felt like the first time in forever.
*****
I looked around in the darkness of the theater, the only light the flickering, moving illumination that the screen provided. My arm sat motionless on the arm rest next to me pressed firmly against Bella's, our hands brushing lightly together. Electric shocks traveled up my arm from the point of contact between our bodies.
The film played out its plot on the screen before me, but I let it go on unnoticed. My world centered around the two seats Bella and I occupied. Everything else was superfluous.
My sister had been teasing me unmercifully for months, ever since the day that Bella walked into my life, but no matter what my hopes might have been, nothing more than friendship had developed between the two of us. Bella and Alice had become fast friends spending most of their free time together, and as Alice's twin brother, I usually wound up getting thrown into the mix with the two of them, carrying shopping bags, driving them to the movies, the perfect image of a platonic friendship.
We had planned to go to the movies together once again, the inseparable trio: Alice, Bella, and myself, but Alice had suddenly come down with the flu. Rather than cancel the entire trip, Alice told Bella and I to go on without her. This was officially the first time we had ever been alone together. Every other moment, Alice or one of our parents had been with us.
The movie had barely started, the images from the trailers still playing across the screen, and already it had lost my attention. The scent of her strawberry shampoo drifted past my nose causing me to catch my breath, and the sensation of her skin against my own, no matter how innocent the contact might have been, was driving me to distraction. The opening sequence of the film began unnoticed as I concentrated on forcing my lungs to take in oxygen one breath at a time while my heart thundered away, a tempest of beats that kept to no timing or rhythm roaring in my ears.
I closed my eyes for just a moment to try to gain some semblance of sanity, when she destroyed all the brain cells I had remaining with one simple move, her hand sliding under mine in the dark. My eyes snapped open really taking in my surroundings for the first time. I had been asleep until that moment in time, and now I was awake. The world snapped into sharp focus around me, each ridge of her fingerprint as it brushed against the palm of my hand, each of the fine hairs that lined the skin of her arm beneath mine, every breath she took in rushing through her nostrils, even her heart beat that raced away to match my own. I could see the thrumming of her pulse in the fine violet lines that laced her wrist.
I lifted my face to look at hers, hoping there was something in her expression that would be able to bring me back to reality, but when I turned to face her, I found to my surprise that our noses were only inches apart. I could feel the air that rushed out of her as our eyes met and locked together.
Something inexorably drew us together, magnets drawn to their polar opposite, and slowly our lips found each other in the dark. When we kissed, I couldn't tell where one of us ended and the other began. I melted into her, our hands tightening their grip on each other between us. The scent of her this close to me was intoxicating, a drug I knew I was never going to be able to give up.
The world ground to a halt around us, and I felt myself slipping away. My heart stopped beating; my lungs ceased to take in air. I felt like I was dying, but at least I was dying a happy man. Better that my life ended now, in such a perfect moment, than to live forever without ever having experienced something like this. After what seemed like an eternity our lips parted, and I opened my eyes drinking in the sight of her before me. My heart restarted itself resuming its breakneck pace, and I breathed for what felt like the first time in forever.
*****
I parked the car outside her house, turning the key in the ignition and shutting down the engine. I quickly checked myself before climbing out of the car.
Corsage?
Check.
Car keys?
Check.
Wallet?
Check.
Cell phone?
Check.
Tickets?
Oh my God, where are the tickets? Don't tell me you've lost them Cullen. Without those you'll never be able to get into the prom. Mr. Banner said you were going to need them to get through the doors. Although, why in the heck would they need tickets to remember who's a senior. Jesus, there are only 28 of us in the entire school…
I combed quickly through the car checking all of my usual hiding spots. My search through the glove box, center console, and under the seat yielded nothing but a handful of shredded papers left behind from Emmett's last math test. My best friend had never been adept with numbers, but as evidenced by his lackluster performance on the last exam, he was definitely slipping even further into the red of late. Probably had something to do with his new girlfriend, who we all would be meeting tonight for the first time.
I continued my search until I saw the gilded edge of the tickets I had purchased earlier in the week peeking out from above the gray upholstered sun visor. Breathing a sigh of relief, I slid them into my jacket pocket. Nothing was going to ruin this night; I had had it all planned out in my head for weeks now. Dinner with our friends at a restaurant in Port Angeles, then on to the prom in the gym at Forks High School, and the rest of the night was hers to do with as she wished, just like my heart had been hers from the moment I laid eyes on her.
My fingers found the tiny, gray box that occupied much of the remaining space in my pocket, and I smiled, one tiny surprise I was holding onto for tonight. I'd found it weeks ago, and was keeping it safe for just such an occasion. I patted it gently. Just knowing it was there made me feel a little better. I climbed out of the car, and made my way gingerly to the front door not knowing what to expect.
Charlie had been welcoming of me as Bella's friend, but as her boyfriend? Well, that was another story. When he became aware of the change in our relationship, the rules suddenly changed. Curfews, restrictions, and boundary lines appeared out of nowhere to form a maze at the center of which sat Bella.
My heart decided that the prize was definitely worth the fight, so I'd stuck though it all. After a few months, Charlie had either started to warm up to me or decided that I wasn't going anywhere and simply adapted to my presence in his daughter's life. Although at times, it still felt like the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object as far as we were concerned, and something told me that if he knew more about my plans for tonight, the immovable object would have quadrupled in size in an instant.
I knocked on the door gently, and broke into a grin that would have rivaled any other when I saw Bella open the door. She wore a blue dress, obviously picked out for her by my sister. It reeked of Alice's taste, but on her feet were her faithful old Converses. I laughed aloud.
"Well Bella, I guess you can put a dress on a girl, but you can't get her out of her sneakers." She returned my smile.
"I guess not. I told Alice I would wear her stupid dress, but I didn't say anything about shoes." She said laughing.
"Ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be." I offered her my arm and escorted the most beautiful creature in the world out to my car, opening the passenger door for her with a small flourish.
"Your carriage, milady." The blush that painted her cheeks was worth any ribbing I would get later over that little stunt.
We made the drive to the restaurant in an accustomed, comfortable silence, her fingers wound around my own against the console between the two front seats. When I pulled the car into the parking lot, I pulled her hand to my lips before shutting the car off completely.
"Bella, I just wanted to tell you, you look beautiful tonight. Well, not beautiful… That's the wrong word, it's not strong enough. You are absolutely -- breathtaking." I meant every word. "I was going to save this for later tonight, but this feels like the right time. I have a present for you."
"You shouldn't have gotten me anything Edward. Besides, I think the others are inside waiting for us," she stammered unsure of how to reply.
"Bella, will you please just let me do this before I lose my nerve?" I smiled at her playfully.
"Do what Edward?" She looked confused and slightly irritated.
"This," I took the tiny box from my pocket and snapped it open revealing a ring. A diamond ring, to be exact. I had been shopping for weeks with my sister to find the perfect one. Of the thousands of gem encrusted circlets, this had been the one that screamed her name when I saw it, a simple gold band with a single, round diamond mounted on four prongs. When she saw it, I heard her breath catch in her throat. "Isabella Swan, will you marry me?"
Four little words.
Four words that I hoped would change my life forever.
I knew we were still in high school, that marrying your high school sweetheart was such a cliché and hardly ever worked out. But none of that mattered. I couldn't see spending a single day of the rest of my life without her in it in some way, and this was the only way I knew to tell her that simple fact.
"Edward, I don't know. This is kind of fast," she stumbled over the words, and in her reply I felt my heart sink within my chest.
"I know. I know what you're going to say, what they're all going to say. Our parents, our friends, the entire world. 'We're too young. We'll never make it. The odds are stacked against us'." I frowned counting out all the things that stood in our path. "But, I know one thing. I never want to spend a single moment of my life without you if I can help it. You are the reason I wake up in the morning, the reason my heart continues beating, the reason my lungs still take in oxygen. Hell, you are my oxygen, and if you want to say no, I'll understand. Trust me, I will." I felt my voice picking up speed, as I tried to voice all the reasons I wanted her and no one else to be the person I spent the rest of my life with.
"Shh." She placed a finger on my lips to stop me from babbling on. When I was quiet, she took my face in her hands and brought our lips together planting a small kiss on my forehead. She leaned back smiling and let one small word escape her lips, "Yes."
"Really? You mean it?" I grinned, but checked her face to see if she was really sincere. All I found there was a bright smile.
She nodded, and I realized I'd been holding my breath. I slid the ring on her finger, and I breathed for what felt like the first time in forever.
****
The sound of rain hitting the roof lulled me off to sleep. It had been raining all day, and nothing was more relaxing to me than the sound of raindrops pattering against the shingled roof above my head. It reminded me of my childhood back in Forks. It rained so rarely here in Phoenix where we had moved after I'd completed medical school, and listening to it was like coming home, the sound of my mother's voice singing softly in my ear so that only I could hear.
I could see Bella getting ready to come to bed in the mirror across the room. She hummed quietly to herself, and the melody of it brought to mind a lullaby. She brushed her hair slowly and deliberately making sure to pull the brush through every inch of her long locks. I found myself mesmerized by the movement of the bristles through the strands of chocolate-colored silk, imagining my hands there instead, weaving my fingers in and out of her curls.
Bella caught me staring in the reflection and laughed. It sounded as much like music to me as the tune she had been humming only a few seconds before. She turned softly and made her way over to the bed, climbing in next to me and resting her head against my chest. I felt the ebb and flow of her breath across my skin. Her fingers played against my stomach curling in the small tuft of hair there, causing my heart to skip a beat.
With her ear pressed against my chest, she could hear the dance my heart began from her slightest touch and she laughed again. "Mr. Cullen, I do believe you are going to develop a heart condition if you keep this up."
"It's all your fault," I breathed deeply drinking in the scent of her strawberry shampoo and smiled. "You're going to be the death of me, Mrs. Cullen." I leaned down to bury my face in her hair and pulled her body closer to my own. Our limbs twined together in a perfect fit until it was impossible to tell where her body ended and mine began.
She laughed softly into my chest, and I felt the air that rushed from her lungs dance across my skin. I sighed into her hair, ruffling it slightly, before reaching down to pull her face up to my own. I planted a kiss on her forehead, trailing more kisses down the outline of her face and jaw. I felt her breathing change in rhythm as I continued my path down towards her neck, feeling the tempo of her pulse against my lips.
My hands meandered around her waist finding familiar expanses of skin as they slid beneath the tank top she always wore to sleep, familiar but not boring. Never boring.
I heard her sigh, drawing my attention back to her face, her lips. My hands rumpled the cotton fabric of her shirt, sliding higher brushing against the skin of her back. Her back, one of my favorite vacation spots, a paradise here on Earth. The skin there was smooth and soft, lined with the finest hairs, almost invisible to the naked eye, but just being near her brought my attention into such sharp focus that I could feel each one of them against the palm of my hand.
I wanted nothing more than to feel every inch of her body pressed against mine. Skin on skin, comfortable, familiar, but exhilarating all the same. Still heaven, even after all this time. My hands followed their accustomed paths to the waistline of her track pants pulling them down her hips, slowly exposing the creamy flesh of her thighs and legs. She giggled when they caught around her knees and kicked her legs to help their progress towards the floor.
Her laughter against my lips was the sweetest aphrodisiac ever created by god or man, and I breathed in the scent of her breath mingled with my own. My palms found their way back up her leg towards the heat I could feel radiating from the juncture of her thighs. When my fingers found the source of the heat, I could hear the breath catch in her throat.
My heart thundered in my ears when I felt her body clench around my probing digits, and she moaned, leaning deeper into the kiss and twining her arms around my neck. She took a handful of my hair pressing our faces even closer together and wrapped her legs around my own, pushing my down onto my back.
"Not so fast, Mr. Cullen. Don't think you're going to get your way just that easily." She climbed off the bed, pulling the gray, cotton tank over her head and tossing it to the floor. The light from the bedside lamp hit her skin setting off perfectly, so much so that it appeared to glow. I watched her move around the bed, mesmerized by the sight of her.
Her fingers trailed sensuously along the edge of the footboard as she made her way closer to where I lay frozen in place by some unseen force coming from her eyes. When she rounded the last corner her hand found my foot and toyed lightly with the sensitive skin at my instep before making its way up my leg. She paused slightly at my knee, lifting her hand and placing it on the waistline of my pajama pants, and mirroring the movement I made with hers only a few minutes before. I laughed when they hung up on my ankles, and mimicked her kick banishing them to the floor.
I watched her wrap her arms around her chest and shiver before jumping back into bed next to me.
"It's cold," she breathed in my ear, and I pulled the covers up around our bodies and over our heads, leaving us in a dimly lit world of our own. We cuddled closer together again, arms and legs lost in a confused knot. Our kisses grew more and more heated as the temperature beneath the blankets rose.
Bella rolled over to her back, pulling me on top and wrapping her legs around my hips. When, I entered her it felt like falling into water, and I instantly held my breath as the sensation settled around me. My world constricted to include only the two of us, skin against skin, our heart beats becoming more and more synchronized, as our bodies became one.
"I love you, Edward," she whispered against my chest.
"I love you too, Bella," I sighed in response, and breathed for what felt like the first time in forever.
****
She woke me in the middle of the night.
"Edward," she shook me softly, "Edward, I think it's time."
"Hmm," I responded groggily my brain still filled with the fog of sleep. It took a few more moments, a few more breaths before enough oxygen reached my brain to register what she was trying to tell me. When the message reached my conscious thoughts, it hit like a ton of bricks. "Time? Time! Bella is the baby coming?"
She laughed a little at my reaction. "Yes, honey. The baby is coming."
"How far apart are the contractions?" I was out of the bed in an instant, grabbing clothes from the dresser and pulling them on as quickly as possible. In my hurry to get dressed, I failed to remember to take off my pajama pants before donning a pair of jeans. The awkward fit of the pants reminded me of my mistake, and I corrected it a moment later.
"Seven minutes. Don't worry we have plenty of time," she smiled, but the smile was quickly replaced by a grimace as a wave of pain tore across her body. A grunt escaped her throat, and for a minute she sounded like an animal caught in a trap. I watched as every muscle in her body appeared to tense at one time feeling helpless to stop what was coming. She had waited for this moment for nine months now, and I had dreaded it. There was nothing I wanted more than to share this experience with her, but there was nothing I wanted less than to see her in pain.
My heart stopped in that instant, as I watched her fight through the muscle spasm that wracked her body. I looked on helplessly, reaching out to take her hand and do what little I could to comfort her. At the touch of my fingers on her wrist, Bella looked up at me and struggled to smile. Even now, in her pain, she tried to reassure me.
"Bella, are you alright?" I searched her face for a sign that the pain was subsiding, and found the intensity in her eyes diminishing before she answered.
"I'm okay," she smiled a little. "That was a strong one."
"We need to get going." I stood up abruptly, rushing around the room to gather the things she had prepared weeks ago. Bella had been anticipating this for months, packing and repacking bags, preparing just the right outfit to bring our baby girl home in, so my job was made easy for me. I grabbed a couple of suitcases that lay carelessly stacked in one corner of the bedroom.
"Are you alright here while I get these to the car?" I looked at her as she eased herself down onto the bed.
"I'm fine," she looked at me again. "Just don't forget me," she grinned, and I knew that the pain was gone for now. I returned the smile and made my way quickly down the stairs grabbing my car keys, wallet, and cell phone off the table next to the door that led to the garage. I threw the bags haphazardly into the trunk of my car and raced back up the stairs to check on Bella. I found her exactly where I had left her, waiting for me on the edge of the bed.
"Ready to go?" I asked her quickly, feeling the edge of panic begin to rise in my voice.
She laughed, and I stared at her confused. "What?"
"Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if you planned to go around the hospital the rest of the night with a pair of jeans over your pajamas." She giggled as she finished speaking, and I looked down, taking in the sight of my body clad in the ridiculous. Laughing aloud, I made my way over to our closet, pulling down a sweater.
"Thanks for noticing. I think the nurses would really have gotten a kick out of seeing Dr. Cullen in his pajamas though, don't you?"
She nodded her hands gripping down on the comforter next to her, and her eyes knotting up in pain. I rushed back to her side, the clothes lying forgotten on the floor.
"Bella, is everything alright?" I felt my heart stop in my chest as I waited for her answer.
At first, she merely nodded, but after a moment she squeezed out one word. "Contraction."
I glanced down at my watch. Six minutes. It had only been six minutes since the last contraction.
"Bella they're getting closer. We have to get to the hospital now." My sense of urgency had tripled in the last few moments, and I wondered how long Bella had been in labor before she woke me. I quickly retrieved the clothes I had abandoned and changed faster than I had ever remembered before. When I returned to Bella's side, the pain had obviously subsided, and I helped her make her way down to the garage.
I don't remember what the speed limit was on the way to the hospital. I do know that I didn't really care. I ran every red light and merely paused at each stop sign between our home and there, my tires barking against the pavement as my foot punched the accelerator each time. After what seemed like an eternity, but according to my watch was only fifteen minutes, we reached the hospital where I'd worked for the past three years.
When I got her into the building, the buzz of activity around her amazed me, and before I could really figure out what was going on, we found ourselves lodged in one of the birthing suites on the third floor. The room was paneled with light tan wood on both the walls and floor. A beeping monitor sat on a small table next to Bella, and I watched with I unfeigned interest as our daughter's heart rate rose and fell slightly with each passing moment.
Dr. Chaudhry, Bella's obstetrician, entered the room and brought with her a sense that things would be alright, that we were all in capable hands. The small, swarthy woman went directly to Bella's side placing her tiny hand on top of Bella's and smiled.
"Are you ready?"
Bella nodded nervously.
"I'm going to have to examine you now, to check how far you have progressed. Can you lie back?" She removed the pillows that were positioned behind Bella's back and lay the bed back until it was completely horizontal. I paced the room back and forth waiting on a verdict. When I heard the snap of the doctor's rubber gloves being removed, I turned to face her.
The look of concern in her eyes frightened me more than anything I'd ever seen in my entire life.
"Dr. Cullen? Can I speak to you outside?" My heart stopped beating in my chest, and I followed her out of the door into the tiled hallway.
"I didn't want to say anything in front of your wife, before I discussed this with you. I'm treating you as a colleague here, and I know you have more at stake in this case than anyone else here. I don't know how to say this. . ." She paused for a moment. "The baby is in the transverse position, Dr. Cullen, and as far as your wife's labor has progressed it doesn't appear that there will be time for her to turn. It's not going to be possible for her to have a vaginal delivery without losing either your wife or the baby."
In that instant I died inside. I knew what that meant, surgery. I'd seen it in a million situations, but never one this close to home.
"Bella, can't have a cesearean section, Dr. Chaudhry. We discussed this possibility in our visits with you. Her heart…" My breath caught in my throat. "We weren't even sure she could survive natural childbirth, but she wanted to try anyway. So, what you're telling me is . . ."
"I'm sorry, Edward."
"Either, I lose her and the baby, or just her . . ." I felt my entire body shut down at the thought. There was no way I could even imagine going on living in a world without Bella. I felt my feet take me mechanically back into the room where Bella lay waiting, trying to figure out how to tell her this news, and not being able to make my brain function well enough to do anything more than walk.
I reached out taking her hand in mine as Dr. Chaudhry spoke, repeating the scenario to Bella in detail. I recall Bella's face with perfect clarity, rather than seeing despair, her expression was one of determination. I anticipated her answer before I heard it leave her lips, but it still shattered my heart into a million pieces to hear it spoken aloud.
"Dr. Chaudhry, my life doesn't matter. I've lived. Maybe only twenty-eight years, but I've lived all the same. I knew what I was getting into when I started this journey, and I knew where it might end. I'll do whatever I have to do to save her life," Bella rubbed her hands across her swollen stomach as she spoke. "Go ahead and do the c-section."
My body felt hot and cold at the same time as I watched them prepare Bella for surgery. I was saying goodbye to my wife, my love, my best friend, after what was all too short a time. I'd expected a lifetime to tell her how much she meant to me, instead I was given the next fifteen minutes.
"Bella, I . . ." I began.
"Shhh. . ." She held a finger up to my lips. "Edward, I know. You don't have to tell me."
"I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. I don't think I can." I looked down at my hand clasped tightly within her own.
"You have to. Renesmee needs you. I can't be here for her Edward," the tears pooled in her soft, chocolate brown eyes. "I need you to help her remember me, to do all the things I can't. Promise me. Promise me you'll be there when I couldn't."
"I promise." At that moment, they came to roll her into the operating room. I never eased up my grip on her hand. I held on to the last thing I had left in the world as though I were going to lose it at any moment. They laid her on the operating table, fixing the straps and draperies into place around me. I heard the doctor come in and the scrape of metal on metal as she lifted the scalpel.
"Bella," I leaned in close to her ear to whisper. "I love you."
"I love you too, Edward. Forever."
On television shows, when someone's heart stops beating the monitors in the hospital room emit a high pitched moan to signal the event. In real life, there is only silence. A silence that sent my entire being into freefall. For a moment, there was nothingness, like the second after you jump from a cliff. There was the feeling of floating in midair, but an icy ocean of despair was rushing up to meet me at a break-neck speed.
My mind was swallowed up by this sea crashing all around me as I felt her small, pale hand go limp within my own.
"Please," my heart screamed as it was enveloped by the waves. "Don't leave me here alone, Bella. I can't do this without you. Please stay here with me." My chest hitched in an attempt to take in oxygen but filling instead with ice. I was drowning, dying here in the cold air of the operating room as the doctors and nurses swarmed around her lifeless body like flies.
She didn't answer me, didn't come to my rescue or save me from the crushing force that was pulling me under inch by inch. She wasn't there. For the first time in ten years, she wasn't there when I needed her. She never would be again.
I went down for the final time beneath the surface of the water as my lungs filled with the cold. Here is where I would stay. A life without her wasn't worth living anyway. Every important moment of my existence had her face, her scent, and the sound of her voice stamped all over it. And there would never be another moment worth living with out her beautiful brown eyes smiling back at me.
In the moments that followed, my world ended and was born anew in the sound that emerged from behind the blue sheet draped across the remnants of my heart. It started out soft and muffled, but grew to fill the empty silence that had taken control of the room.
"Renesmee," my soul cried out with a small ray of hope the name my Bella had chosen so carefully those few weeks ago when we were both still whole and unbroken. A nurse made her way carefully around the drapery, a small bundle of cloth squirming softly in her arms. Tears streamed down the young woman's face as she handed my daughter over into my waiting arms.
"Dr. Cullen, I . . .," she began but her words caught in her throat. She had to turn away from the sight of me standing there holding the last piece of my life in my shaking arms.
I looked down at the one thing Bella had decided was worth dying for and found her eyes looking back at me. Renesmee was uncannily awake for a newborn. Her head was covered with a down layer of copper-colored curls. One tiny hand made its way out of the wrappings and found mine finger, grabbing on and holding tight.
Surprisingly, this small hand was the only one that held the strength needed to pull me back to the surface. I willed my aching chest stretching to accommodate the air I took in slowly, breathing for what felt like the first time in forever.
*****