Write this last night when i was hating on what happened in the programme and the spoilers. Got inspiration from hollie-x so thankyou to her for letting me carry on hers. Just felt in the mood for some tears, don't think it'll make me cry now or any of you but felt good to get it out. Anyway, if i just make you all feel sad, i apologise for that, but i wrote it so figured i may as well post it...
Don't think this is the write thing to say, but... Enjoy...
Ste put the pen down, on top of the piece of paper he had just been writing on, with a shaky hand. He opened the bottle of pills. He then moved on to the bottle of vodka, he unscrewed the lid and placed it down. Everything was neatly organised on the table and that infuriated Ste. He had never been organised in his life. Why start now. Why start now at the end.
He took the first pill, hand shaking, and placed it on his tongue. He lifted the bottle of vodka to his lips and took it back. The burning sensation hit him quickly, he didn't feel the tablet going down, he was to focused on the burning in his throat and the stinging in his eyes. He blinked away the tears and looked down. He had a long way to go, but he may as well finish now right?
He took back pill after pill until he physically could not swallow another damn thing. He slumped back into his sofa. Throat burning like crazy, turning into a warm soft feeling. Half way through he had gone past tears. He felt nothing but emptiness. His head was spinning and felt heavy on his shoulders so he let it do it's own thing. The warm feeling had turned into a sick feeling but Ste ignored that. He was feeling drowsy now. His consciousness was slipping. His eye lids were forcing themselves closed and he felt himself loosing feeling in his body. He really was slipping away. He arms felt heavy but numb. So did his legs. So did every part of him.
He struggled to open an eye, didn't know why, but when he did Brendan was stood above him. Staring.
He didn't have a kind look on his face. He didn't have a look of love on his face, or joy or relief, or even lust. It was pure anger.
'Bren...' Ste sighed, standing up with a lot more ease than he thought he would. His face broke into a smile.
Brendan was here. He was back. His Brendan was back, hadn't left him in a world where it felt like everyone had turned their back on him. He had come to save him.
His face was still smiling and he walked around the table to reach Brendan. But he backed away.
'Brendan, what are you doing?'
Brendan gave him an intense look. One Ste had seen so many times and thought he would never see again. His face broke into another smile that he couldn't hide nor help. He didn't want to. He was with Brendan again. They could be together forever now.
'You think this is funny Stephen?'
His stare was still intense, but his voice was weak. Nothing but underlying pain.
'What?' Ste didn't understand why he wasn't happy to see him. 'Brendan I don't understand. Why aren't you happy. We can be together now.'
Brendan shook his head in disbelief.
'You think I want this for you Stephen. I promised you a future you deserved-'
'I don't want a future without you!' Ste said, panicking. This isn't how he had imagined things. He was fighting against the lump in his throat, tears threatening to escape. He let out a whimper. 'I did this for you, for us.'
'I never asked you to do this Stephen. To try to kill yourself...'
Ste needed him to understand. His voice was still so weak. So sad, Ste hated it. It was driving him insane. He had to understand!
'No, no. I did kill myself. Brendan please.' he walked forward and Brendan walked back. 'Brendan please don't do this. You can't push me away. Please Brendan I need you. I did this for you.'
Brendan swallowed and when he spoke Ste noticed how much rougher it had become, how glossy his eyes had become.
'Stephen your not dead yet. You can still go back. Please go back.'
Stephen was confused. Of course he was dead. If he wasn't dead how else would he be able to have this contact with Brendan? He turned around to see his own limp figure on the sofa. Arm dangled of the edge, legs over the end. Head drooped in an awkward position forward. Eyes closed. He looked pretty dead, but then Ste noticed that he was breathing. Lightly, slowly, almost unnoticeable. But it was there.
'But I don't understand. Your here.'
Brendan looked sad. Was this a – what was it called? An outer body experience.
'Stephen you still have a chance to have a life without me. You can get the kids back. Amy will understand, she will. You can get them back.'
Ste shook his head.
'I have no-one Bren. No-one but you.'
Pain spread across Brendan's face and it slowly turned to a sadness that broke Ste's heart. So much so, he couldn't look at him.
'Stephen look at me.' Brendan said. Voice stronger now. Stephen hesitated then looked. His heart broke once more. 'Stephen ask them. If you need them, ask. You know as well as me that they would drop anything for you.
Stephen shook his head. Brendan was leaving him again. He couldn't fight the tears now. They were streaming down his face uncontrollably, he was aware of the strange cries coming from his throat. He felt Brendan's arms wrap around him now and he cried into the solid chest of the man he loved. The man he would always love. The man no other man could ever replace.
'Stephen please do this for me. Get Doug, get Chez, Amy, the kids. Get them back because you need them right now. Stephen go back because you can. You can have a good life now, the life you deserve. I know how much you love. But I was nothing but bad for you. I beat you,' Brendans throat caught and Ste could feel tears dampening his hair now. 'I never deserved you Stephen Hay. I never did and I refuse to be the reason you do this, make this mistake. Because I would never forgive myself Stephen. Never.'
He pulled Stephen back now and looked in his face. He brushed Ste's tears aside, leaving the ones on his own face there.
'Brendan I can't do it. I'm in so much pain right now without you. I don't know how to switch it off...'
He broke down again.
'I'm not worth the pain and heartbreak. I am a monster Stephen and you know it.'
Stephen didn't know what to say. He knew of the bad things Brendan had done in his past but he didn't think he was a monster. But Ste knew that wouldn't be good enough for Brendan. Ste thought back on everything. There was so much wasn't there? There was so much that these two had been through and he was just expected to give up and move on. He didn't even think that was possible. To go each day with the same aching in his heart. They had something that shouldn't be thrown away just like that. Ste was right wasn't he? Both of them had grown as people, and come out better than ever. He couldn't imagine what it would do to him if one day the image of Brendan started slipping. If he found someone new and made a new life. He didn't like that. He didn't want that. What if one day Brendan just faded?
But the look on Brendan's face said it all. There was no way in hell Stephen was staying here. And if there was one thing Stephen wanted more than to be with Brendan again, it was to make him happy. For him to finally be at peace.
There was no other choice. He had to go back. And try to get on with a new life without Brendan.
He nodded once and Brendan cried. He put his hands either side of Ste's face and stroked both cheeks with his thumbs, leaning their foreheads together.
'I love you. I love you so much Stephen. I wasn't even sure love was possible until you came along. This is unfair I know, but just please don't ever think I didn't.'
Stephen was crying so much his head was starting to hurt.
'Stephen Hay... You were my saviour.' Brendan said gently against Ste's lips and then pressed them together.
Ste started to feel himself slipping away, he tried his hardest to cling to Brendan but he couldn't. Instead he tried to remember everything about his every feature. But he didn't want to remember Brendan like this. Broken and destroyed.
A white light hit Ste's eyes and he squeezed his eye's shut. In his head he had an image of himself laying on the sofa, a soft heartbeat becoming slower and slower until it stopped and Ste' eyes flew open. He wasn't in his flat any more. He was standing at the pier in Ireland, Brendan in front of him.
Both of their eyes filled with tears.
'I was too late.' Ste said simply.
Brendan nodded and then took Ste's hand in his own looked him in the eye with nothing but love.
They walked down the pier hand in hand not knowing what was next, neither caring as long as they stayed like this.
Together.