DISCLAIMER: The authors do not own DARKWING DUCK or its characters. Everything is nonprofit, done for fun. All depictions of real people (living or dead) or situations are merely all coincidental. No real magic was used in the making of this story. If you like, leave a comment. If you hate, leave a comment. If luck be a lady tonight, leave a comment.
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Man! I Feel Like a Woman
by: Snark & Moonie
Women are said to be complicated creatures. Beings ruled by emotions, instead of on pure logic like the men folk. They judged by the heart, instead of by the facts. Happy go lucky one moment, and teary eyed the next. Everything was the man's fault, and never their own. Just look at another gal, and you'd be in the dog house for weeks. They needed to be constantly reminded of how beautiful they are, and how much you still adore them. They're needy by nature, you know. All this trouble and you still wonder why you even care at all and don't just give up on the skirts. But as they say, can't live with them…can't live without them.
Of course, these were all just awful stereotypes of the normal female back in the early days. Actually say any of this to a well educated woman…
And may the goddess have pity on your soul.
It was a clear night; Saint Canard's cemetery getting a great view of the stars, even with its low fog. Morgana Macawber looked loving into her boyfriend's eyes. She had, yet again, prepared a lovely dinner date for the city's true vigilante and over all good guy: Darkwing Duck. It had been a busy month for the crime fighter, so the two hadn't had much private time together. Knowing this, the slender duck prepared some of her best courses. Zombie liver flambéed, with chopped up onions and garlic; deadly nightshade salad with blackberries, topped with honey toad wart dressing; a bottle of the best pumpkin wine; and for dessert….
Well, it was a surprise. But Morgana knew it was to DIE for!
"Dark, darling, would you like more wine? You seem absolutely anxious. What's wrong, dear?"
Darkwing poked at the pale, slimy glob on his plate, and he felt his stomach lurch as it squirmed. He knew that if he continued to look at it, he'd be sick; if he was forced to eat it, he'd probably be dead.
The masked crime fighter tore his eyes from the ghastly meal in front of him, and turned his gaze to Morgana, instead. The look on her face told him she was waiting for an answer, and he knew he'd have to tell another one of his lies. He'd always been pretty good at lying. He tugged at the collar of his turtleneck, as he felt his body temperature rise a few degrees. "Eh heh heh... nothing's wrong, Morgana, my sweet Angel of the night!" he reassured, topping off the lie with a big cheesy grin.
Okay, so maybe he wasn't the best liar, but so what? Lying was what villains did. He was an upstanding, law-abiding, justice seeking hero! He swore he heard his dinner squeal, and pushed the plate away. He saw the look on Morgana's face and instantly knew that hadn't been the best idea. "Uhh, you know what, Morg, honey, sugarbunch? Not that I don't find your food, uh..." he eyed the Deadly Nightshade salad as a beetle poked its head out from between two stems and went scurrying across the table. "... unique, eh heh. But I'd MUCH rather spend tonight looking into your gorgeous eyes. I mean, HOW am I supposed to concentrate on food, when I'm in the presence of such a breath-taking woman, such as yourself?" he explained hastily, grabbing both of her hands from across the table, gently. And this at least was no lie. Darkwing Duck had been smitten by the mysterious woman's beauty and dark flair from the moment he'd laid eyes on her.
At first the witch had felt hurt when her beloved pushed her hard work away from himself, insulting her cooking. She took it as a personal insult. Sad feelings were quick to turn towards ones of anger, and she had glared dagger as Darkwing dug himself into his own grave.
After hearing his explanation, however, all anger washed away. As if a cold rain had cleaned away the fire. Her eyes became half-lidded, as she felt herself being smitten by his words. "Oh, honey wumpus, do you really mean it? You sure know how to make a ghoul blush."
It was moments like these that she was glad to have their rare moments alone together. While Morgana loved both Launchpad and Gosalyn, it was just nice for the two lovebirds to wade through their bliss as just a couple. A pair. Him and her. She then smiled as she thought of how kind it was of the pilot to offer to watch the spirited girl while they went on their date.
Darkwing nodded and looked deep into her eyes, losing himself in the way the moonlight reflected in them like crystal. "Every word, my Mesmerizing Mistress" he cooed back. Morgana giggled. Darkwing was intent on continuing his wooing. "Oh, my beautiful, beautiful Morgana... when I look into your eyes, I ... is, is that the Ratcatcher?" the caped crusader abruptly let go of Morgana's hands, and cocked his head to listen closer. "It is! That IS the Ratcatcher! I'd know that sound anywhere! What's Launchpad doing here so early; I told him midnight!" By this time, Darkwing was standing on the seat of his chair, facing out toward the dirt road that led into the cemetery, momentarily forgetting about the date currently in progress.
The Macawber woman's hypnotic lovesick trance was irrupted instantly, when the daring duck of mystery's words quickly shift gears. The magic spell he hand on her ended at the same time he lost focus.
It was safe to say, she was not pleased.
"I DO believe you need to get your friend a new watch," Morgana said in a huff. However, remembering that he was also watching Drake's daughter, she felt bad for feeling so irritated. What if something bad had happened to little Gosalyn?
"I hope nothing terrible happened to her, " she mumbled to herself. Yet, she was quick to see this was not so, when the vehicle was close enough to see the passengers. It WAS the Ratcatcher. And it seemed both red heads were right as rain. This not only caused her anger to begin to boil once more, but it made her dreadfully confused.
Once they motorcycle stopped, she voiced her question:
"What is the meaning on this? Why are you so early?"
"Yeah! What gives, Launchpad! I told you midnight!" Darkwing added.
As the Ratcatcher skidded to a stop mere inches away from crashing into their table, Launchpad tore off his helmet and that was then both Darkwing and Morgana noticed the panicked look on the pilot's face.
"Darkwing! Sorry to interrupt your date, but it's Quackerjack! And Megavolt! There were lights, and then a meagphone, and CORN dogs! Oh the horror! I'd never SEEN so many corn dogs stuffed into a single place at once, in all my life!" it was obvious Launchpad was still running on adrenaline from earlier.
Darkwing cocked an eyebrow, looking at them, unimpressed with the explanation he was given. "Pardon me?"
Gosalyn gave an irritated growl from behind Launchpad, hopping out of the side car and removing her own helmet as she stomped over to her father. "What he's TRYING to say, is Megavolt and Quackerjack are at the fair, causing all KINDS of trouble! So YOU need to get over there and kick some major bad-guy butt before it's too late!" the little red head recited enthusiastically.
"That's what I said!" insisted Launchpad.
Darkwing went rigid, his eyes wide.
"Too late? You mean before they completely destroy the whole fair, causing millions in property damage and putting countless innocent lives in danger?" cried Darkwing. Gos rolled her eyes and scoffed. "NO, dad, before the fair closes and I can't ride the rides anymore! DUH."
Darkwing folded his arms over his chest and gave his daughter a stern look. "We're going to have a serious talk about your priorities when we get home, young lady." he replied simply. Gosalyn slumped. "But daaad! You don't understand! I've only gotten to ride the Boooone Masher twelve times tonight! How am I gonna set the world record for the most consecutive rides without barfing at this rate!" she stressed. Darkwing shook his head.
"No time for any of that now! I have to put an END to Quackerjack and Megavolt's reign of toy-tasering terror!" Darkwing declared, jumping off of his chair and hopping onto his motor bike.
Suddenly he remembered Morgana. She was sitting in her chair, slumped over the table, a foul look on her face, her left elbow resting on the table, her head in her hand, glaring at her plate as she absentmindedly poked at it with her fork. Darkwing cleared his throat.
"A-hem. I'm so sorry, Morgana. I promise I'll make it up to you, my Midnight Princess! Please forgive me, smooch, smooch, Iloveyousomuchgottagobye!" and with that, he spun the Ratcatcher around sharply, failing to notice as the back tire spun a clod of graveyard sod into Morgana's face and lap.
The witch growled dangerously as she wiped away the filth from her face. She sneered.
"Well, Morgana, you caught yourself quite a real catch." Her words were loaded with heavy sarcasm. The tall woman then sighed to herself, as she looked to her perfect dinner that was now perfectly ruined. At that moment, her familiars Eek, Squeek, and Archie crawled out from her hair. The two bats flapped soothingly next to her face, as the large spider rubbed Morgana's fingers in comfort. She smiled at them all sadly.
"Thank you dears, but I'll be all right. He doesn't mean it when it comes to this, you know." The witch then looked at the table again. "Come, boys, lets start cleaning up, shall we?"
Meanwhile, while Morgana's special date had ended; the demented duo's was still going strong. They laughed happily and evilly as others ran screaming around them. Quackerjack was munching on his corndog, while the rodent's arms were full of all the prizes the mad mallard had "won". The two passed a dunk booth, when the toymaker abruptly stopped in his tracks.
The guy, currently trapped in the dunk booth, looked as if he was about to wet his pants.
"Ooo Ooo, I wanna play this one! Betcha I can get this guy wet with a flamethrower, Megsy."
Megavolt shifted the load of stuffed animals in his arms so he could see what Quackerjack was talking about, and a stuffed panda fell out of his grasp and landed on the ground with a soft 'squeak'. The rodent gave a wicked grin when he saw the terrified carny inside the dunking booth. "Oh yeah? You're on!" he coaxed. He had no doubt that Quackerjack could do it; he just wanted to see it.
Finishing up his corndog, the crazed toymaker threw his stick to the ground. Still wearing his smeary accidental mustard mustache, Quackerjack brought his hands behind his back. His hat jingled violently as he suddenly turned; a large super soaker looking devise was in his hands. He giggled madly as he raised the gun in the air for a moment, triumphantly. "Weeeeeell, heh, if you INSIST! Hehe!"
Aiming the gun at the bulls-eye, the clown smirked as the fair worker began to scream in terror. Begging Quackerjack to let him go. The jester's tongue darted past his bill, as he continued to concentrate; the carnie feared the worst. Finally, the duck fired.
And real flames shot out.
The trail of fire went on for awhile, seeming as if it would never end. However, the metal started to get to hot that it began to melt. When it fell to the ground, a messy pile of metal, the guy in the dunk booth screamed as he fell into the chilly water. He was a-okay.
Quackerjack and Megavolt, however, were busy laughing their heads off. Still chortling madly, the duck went up to where the prizes were, grabbing a single little goldfish. "Hehehe! See that, lil' guy? Wasn't it a RIOT? Hehehe!' the fish remained silent. "I think I'm gonna call you Goldy the Thousandth….Don't ask what happened to the other Goldies. Heh."
The villainous duo were about to turn away and head off to their next destination, when a familiar hissing sound stopped them in their tracks, a wave of fear washing over both of them. They spun around just in time to see thick blue smoke rise up from the ground and spread. Quackerjack gasped, Megavolt squawked in surprise and dropped the arm full of plush. Goldie continued to be a fish in a little plastic bag.
"I am the Terror, that FLAPS in the night! I, am the height requirement chart that is just over your reach! I am Darkwing Duck! And boy, do YOU two have the WORST timing."
Instead of letting the smoke clear, leaving him standing in a heroic pose like usual, Darkwing stomped out of his cloud and stood before the two trouble makers, arms folded over his chest, foot tapping on the ground, clearly irritated.
Both Megavolt and Quackerjack looked around in confusion, before glancing at each other and shrugging, indicating neither of them knew what Darkwing was talking about.
Darkwing rolled his eyes and sighed. "Oh, you two bozos wouldn't understand. No matter! Suck gas, evil doers!" and with that, the masked mallard whipped out his gas gun, pointed it at the villains, and pulled the trigger.
The gas canister shot out at the same time Megavolt shot out a blast of electricity, and the two collided, causing the canister to explode, engulfing all of them in a cloud of choking smoke.
Mad coughing fits were fired left and right. Both sides gagging violently on the colorful smoke. The masked mallard acted fast, however, using his buzzsaw cuffs to clear away the gas. Once cleared, the two red heads, the demented rat, and the daring duck of mystery could all be seen. Yet, Gosalyn was the first to notice that something was off.
"Say…where's Chuckles?"
"Yoo-hoo! Up here, kiddies!"
"Woah," cried the clumsy pilot, " you guys might want to look out! He's fully loaded!"
They all looked to where the mad mallard was. During the confusion, Quackerjack had escaped to higher ground. He was standing on top of the dunking booth, aiming his flamethrower at our beloved heroes. "My turn! Heh. Suck MY gas, party poopers!"
Darkwing grabbed Gosalyn as he and LP dived out of the flames way.
"Hehe! Did I say 'gas?' I meant to say 'fire of death.' Haha! Whoops. Honest mistake. Hehehe!"
Darkwing recovered quickly, sneering up at the crazed toy maker. His pal Megavolt had joined him, but opted to stay on the ground, away from the electrical hazard. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with fire, you demented circus reject?" chided the masked mallard, once again aiming his gun, this time only at the maniac wielding the flamethrower. He pulled the trigger again, but managed to make contact this time around, as it collided with the jester's stomach.
Quackerjack "oofed", instantly losing his balance. The bells on his hat jingled violently as the duck began to fall. It only took a fraction of a second, before the clown hit the water with a loud SPLASH!
Just as Darkwing had planned, the water from the impact sent a wave of water crashing down on top of Megavolt, causing him to shriek in pain and spasm violently as he was shorted out. After all electrical charge had been expelled from his body, he stood there shakily, a dazed expression on his face. "That... was painful." he pointed out, before collapsing to the ground in a smoking heap.
"Whoo-hoo! Go Darkwing!" cried Gosalyn.
"Nice job DW, you got 'em BOTH!" added Launchpad. Darkwing dusted his shirt off and smirked smugly.
"Yeep yep yep. It was nothing for the Daring Duck of Mystery!" he looked around the now-deserted park. "I just wish there had been someone around to see it. Oh well."
While they were busy gloating over their victory, Quackerjack had been busy climbing out of the tank. Once out, he started wringing out his hat, still on his head, as if they were strands of hair.
"I guess I'M the wet blanket now, huh?" he mumbled grumpily to himself. Seeing Megavolt passed out on the ground, he began to sneak his way towards him. Once he got there, he shook the rodent awake.
"Psssst, Megs. Meeegs. If we don't want our date to be a TOTAL bust, we might wanna skedaddle. Wake up, sleeping beauty!"
Megavolt stirred and pushed himself up weakly, rubbing his aching head. "Hunh?" he glanced over to the preoccupied heroes. "Oh."
Quackerjack helped his friend to his feet, and they crept away as quietly as they could.
Although, the demented duck couldn't help his impulses of uttering "sneak, sneak, sneak," as they sneaked away. As soon as they were far enough away, they broke into a sprint and then finally a full out run. Even if Darkwing was a good distance behind them already, they weren't taking any chances on being caught.
Quackerjack, being more fit and used to running for long distances, was a few paces ahead of Megavolt, who was more accustomed to skating along power lines or slinking through shadows.
The electrically discharged villain suddenly realized he wasn't sure where they were running to, exactly. He'd always just followed Quackerjack's lead, for the most part, so he really hoped the crazy duck had a clue what their destination was. "Quackerjack, where are we going?" he whined, already panting heavily.
Actually…That was a VERY good question. In all seriousness, the mad mallard had just chosen a random direction and ran. Anywhere far away from Darkwing, and from the police, was good to him. He stopped for a moment, to look at the nearest street sign. Portabello Road. The clown knew this was the opposite direction of where their lairs were…But it was also the opposite direction of where the do-gooder would expect them to go. Heck, maybe they should just find a place to play hide-n-seek for a while, until they could go home.
That was when Quackerjack noticed the trail to the graveyard, and pointed in that direction. "Ooooh, we should hide there!"
Megavolt was thankful that the jester had stopped for awhile, but as he stood there trying to catch his breath, he couldn't see what Quackerjack was talking about. "What? There where?" Suddenly realization dawned on him and he groaned. "Quackerjaaaack, please don't tell me you mean the graveyard." he whined. Graveyards were enough to give anyone the creeps, and even doubly so at night.
"Yeeeees, I mean the graveyard. Think about it. Nobody in their right minds would go in there at night…thus, it's PERFECT for us! Hehe! Besides, mister scaredy pants, it'll only be for a little bit. Then we can go home and finish our playdate." He waggled his eyebrows flirtatiously.
The rodent felt his face grow hot and quickly looked away, down the road again, towards the graveyard. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well..."
At that moment there was the sound of an engine in the distance that may or may not have been the Ratcatcher, and the decision was made. Megavolt jumped, grabbed one of the jester's colorful sleeves, and began tugging him in the direction of the graveyard. "Okay, hurry up already! Let's go!"
Quackerjack being dragged away quickly turned into the drag-ee being the dragger. Soon he was ahead, as he giggled and pulled Megavolt along. By his reaction, you'd expect that that the duck was going through and enchanted forest, not a yard full of dead people.
Not seeing where he was going, the toymaker ended up face-planting into a tree. Quackerjack yelp loudly.
Loud enough that a certain witch heard the ruckus, not too far off. Morgana gasped. "Oh my! What could have made that dreadful noise? I'm not used to any visitors, but myself, traveling here this late at night."
Eek chattered on inaudibly. The Macawber woman, however, was able to understand every squeak. "Maybe you're right! Dark probably finished with his work early, and came back to finish our romantic evening together. Oh! And to apologize, of course!"
She started to run towards the direction the sound was heard. "Darkwing, you came- ooooh!"
What Morgana was faced with was not her darling Darkwing at all, but the two villains that had taken him away from her that night; the demented duo, Megavolt and Quackerjack.
The duck was currently trying to bend his sizable bill back into shape after presumably running into the thick trunk of a large tree standing a foot away. His electrical pal as snickering from behind one gloved hand.
All of a sudden, Megavolt looked up and spotted her, a look of mild shock coming over his face. He tapped Quackerjack on the shoulder. "Uh, Quacky? We have company!"
Morgana glared, as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, if it isn't YOU two. I can't say I'm very pleased at you two, right now."
Quackerjack finally fixed his beak, rubbing it to get the pain away. A moment later, he finally noticed the beautiful witch. "Oh, hey, it's whatsherface. He who yaps in the night's giiiiirlfriend." The jester stuck his tongue out in disgust, as if the very word put an awful taste in his mouth. "Yuck, we seem to be running into a lot of fuddy duddies tonight. Scram, lady, we're hiding. We had this spot first!"
"Oh reeeeally?" the woman's anger started to rise again. "I happen to know this is very much false. You and Megavolt here were off at the fair causing trouble."
Quackerjack raised a brow, "You're psychic or something? Ooo ooo! Tell me what I'm thinking of? I'll give you a hint, it's not pumpernickel! Hehe!" The joker's joking seemed to only make her temper flair more. "No, I'm NOT psychic. I just happen to know, because Darkwing had to interrupt our DATE to go stop you two from causing property damage!"
"Pfft! Dorkwing seems to be good at interrupting playtime. Heh. Did the same thing to us, ya know. Really, lady, you got bad taste in men. Hahaha!"
Megavolt lightened up and smiled, caught up in Quackerjack's delightfully mean teasing. " I don't knooow... they seem like a perfect pair, if you ask me! A crime fighter who can't catch crooks, and a women who can't cook!" he said, laughing insanely at his own bad joke.
"Hahaha! Now now, we can't blame her for that. Heh. How the heck is she supposed to learn to cook, if her man doesn't keep her chained to the stove? Darkwing doesn't have a good leash on her, if he keeps letting the lady leave the house. Hehe!"
By this time they were both laughing at Morgana's expense, and neither of them had any intension to quit any time soon. "I'm surprised she ever manages to leave the house anyway." said Megavolt. "Oh, just a minute, Darkwing, I just need to put another ton of hairspray in my hair." he added, in a terrible impersonation of a woman's voice. "Oops, mood swing, watch out for flying objects."
"You didn't tell me I'm pretty today! You're OBVIOUSLY cheating on me! Hehe! "
Morgana stood there fuming like the likes she never had before. Each mock and insult flaming her inner fire. As the two men continued, the witch's eyes began to spark with dangerous tension. The actual clouds and weather changed around them. The clear sky darkened, and thunder roared. Lightening shot down like bullets, as Morgana Macawber rose into the air. The scary woman was six feet off the ground, before her voiced boomed like the thunder.
"How DARE you!"
The villains' laughter was cut short, and they stood and stared in awe and terror as the enraged witch glared down at them, bolts of lightning crashing into the ground, sending up clouds of dirt all around them. Megavolt and Quackerjack instinctively grabbed onto each other in a hug that would have been sweet, had it not been for their terror-stricken expressions. "Uh-oh." Megavolt squeaked. Maybe ticking off a a powerful magic-wielding, mood-swinging witch hadn't been the best idea.
Morgana continued with her rage:
"You insulted my looks. You insulted my beloved Darkwing. You RUINED my perfect evening…And NOW you discriminate against all women TO a woman? Ooooh, I'm so mad I could…I could…Oooooh!"
She pulled on her hair in frustration; the witchy hive throwing itself out of its neatness. It twirled all around her, her curls a tangled mess of wild ebony. Her true monstrous form displayed in her anger.
Lightning struck from the sky once more, before Morgana started waving her fingers towards the dangerous heavens.
"Treguna…Mekoides…Trecorum…SATIS DEE!"
The skies roared once more, as a red mist shot from the witch's fingers. It traveled to the two demented villains swiftly, surrounding them with the colorful smoke. They choked on it violently. Quackerjack started fanning it away, as Morgana began floating softly back down to earth. "THERE! That should do it!"
The clown glared in annoyance. "You sprayed us with your bad perfume? " he stopped to cough. "Sheesh, now we can add bad tastes in odors to your growing list too. Heh. "
Megavolt went through a sneezing fit, each one powerful enough to send him jumping off the ground. When they'd died down, he rubbed his nose with a finger. "Oh, yeah, thanks; that did WONDERS for my sinuses." he growled sarcastically at Morgana, his voice sounding even more nasally than it had been before.
The beautiful magical mistress' smug expression faltered some, as the villain's expressed their annoyance. She said nothing, however, as they continued to prattle on.
"Ugh! This is gonna take TONS of baths of Old Spice to get this stench out. Come on Megsy, let's go before she makes us smell more flowery than Bushy next."
As they turned to walk back to Megavolt's apartment hideout, the lair closest to them, they continued to complain. As Morgana saw them walk away, soon gone all together, her smile returned. Archie climbed up her dress, soon resting on the witch's shoulder. Morgana pet the spider, as her trusted bats fluttered in anger. They too not liking all that the villains had said.
"There there, my dears, it'll be all right. They'll get their just desserts. Come tomorrow morning, they'll see that my smell was more than a floral aroma annoyance. They think so little of women, ay? Soon they'll see what it's REALLY like."
Little did Quackerjack and Megavolt know, their misadventure had just begun…
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AN:
Snark: Is this the part where we reassure that we're women, and don't actually believe these sexist comments?
Moonie: Aww, I was kind of looking forward to the angry mob of women :(
Snark: Well, the ladies ARE rather sexy when they get out their claws. Mmmm~
Moonie: But I don't like stinky perfume, so I guess we can apologize. We're towies. We don't believe the things we've... typed.
Snark: I also want to say that the characters don't actually believe these things either. Quacky hates old fashioned and overly conservative stereotypes. He and Megs are…Well, to put it bluntly, assholes. Yes, they can have good qualities. But it's kind of a villain thing to push buttons. Doubly so if they think they'll get an amusing reaction. Daww, what delightful scamps.
Moonie: Yeah, what she said. They're just eeeviiil, wooOOOooo. Not chauvinistic pigs. Usually. I think.
Snark: Gotta protect my homies, DAWG. By the way, you write a great Darkwing…and Launchpad…And Gosalyn….And Megavolt…what the heck DID I do? LOL. I almost feel bad that you took up most of the slack for this. I'm sorry, wifey.
Moonie: Nonsense. You write a perfect Quacky and Morg. Besides, it's not your fault I tend to get carried away when I write and write way too much. I'm towies.
Snark: Yes, totally your fault for writing genius. How DARE you!
Moonie: Don't get lippy with me, young lady. I'll go get the spray bottle.
Snark: …We're talking about the one we use for foreplay, and not the one full of bleach, riiiiight? Because even I don't think I can find you hot while you're poisoning me.
Moonie: But poison is the best kind of love! ... we should probably wrap this up.
Snark: Must we? I like boring people with our ramblings they don't even read….fiiiine…"Buhahaha! We have evil plans to come! Seeeecret evil plans!" There, sexy times now?
Moonie: I thought you'd never ask 3
Snark: And with that, we be off! Double dildo, hoooooooo!