This has been on my desktop for a couple of months now. I had to force myself to finish it.
The title has to do with the numerous changes the piece went through rather than the actual story. The original piece was only about Kaidan, but after writing it I thought it lacked something so I inserted some shenko into the mix. Then I took a break, and it sat for a while. When I came back my original ending seemed abrupt, so I added a few short chapters to bring it around to a better conclusion, nevertheless on a personal level I found the final chapters weak in comparison to the beginning. I probably could have reworked them, but recent spoilers about ME2 have my head spinning and I found it hard to re-focus on the piece, so I'm posting the original story as is.
A spoilerish scene is included but it doesn't follow the course of what happens in game and in fact goes in another direction entirely, so I guess the piece could be qualified as an alternate universe fanfic.
I've tried to include Shenko in every chapter. There are sexual situations(I think pretty tame over all) and what some might consider graphic violence so be warned it does have a M rating.
Separated from Shepard and the crew of the Normandy , Kaidan finds himself in a dire situation. Rated M for mildly sexual situations and violence.
I don't own Bioware: If I did there would be more Kaidan in ME2.
Chapter one: The Stage
Shepard sat at her desk with her head in her hands. Her new quarters were stark and uninviting.
The new ship, the SSV Normandy SR-2, was supposed to be the most powerful ship ever built. According to the engineers it had everything...everything that is except for one Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. His absence fueled by her memories of their more intimate moments together served only to fuel her grief.
"You seem lost in thought, Commander," the young Asari said.
Startled Shepard looked up.
"I didn't see you come in Liara." Shepard straightened in her chair.
"I didn't want to disturb you but..." she started.
"You were worried," Shepard finished.
Liara nodded. Shepard was not surprised. Despite the Commander's rejection of Liara romantically early in their relationship, the Asari had held no grudges. Over the last two years she had become a close friend.
"No reason to be worried...I'm fine..it's just that..." the Commander started. She found herself breaking down in spite of her attempt at bravado.
Liara had been there along with Tali when the search for Kaidan had turned up empty handed. It was as though he had never existed. They had seen her at her worse. Who would have believed that the fearless Commander Shepard who had single handedly won the Battle of Elysium and had defeated the Reaper Sovereign would have broken down and cried like a baby over the loss of one of her officers.
"But he was more than just one of your officers wasn't he," Shepard thought.
"Kaidan...he's not here," Liara stated simply.
"I know he's gone. It's just that sometimes I look up expecting to see him...like he's just around the corner. Sometimes I think I can even hear him..." Shepard explained.
Despite the lump she found forming at the base of her throat, she continued. "He was always the professional...the brass would have never known...unless they had looked in his eyes. His eyes always told the truth."
"Well I guess it's a good thing Captain Anderson never noticed how Lieutenant Alenko looked at you," Liara said, hoping to lighten the mood.
Shepard lightly laughed and replied, "Or Udina."
"With all due respect Commander, I'm not sure Councilman Udina would know the look of love." Liara's smile broadened as her joke was met with hearty laughter.
"It is good to see you smile Commander...to hear you laugh," Liara continued. Despite the Commander's reaction Liara noted that her eyes were still filled with pain.
"You, Asari live such long lifespans. I know that often you outlive your partners? How do you do it...how do you push pass the pain of loss?" Shepard asked.
Liara did not have an answer. As young as she was she had never had a partner to lose. She could not imagine what Shepard was going through.
"I cannot say I understand your loss Commander, but I do know you have your memories," Liara offered.
Shaking her head, Shepard said, " I think of him and all I feel is pain. I want him back...here...with me."
Liara felt desperate. She had hoped to cheer the Commander, but Shepard seemed to be sinking further into her grief.
"I don't want to give you false hopes, Shepard...but maybe he's still alive out there somewhere," Liara said, nervously.
The day Kaidan had been pronounced killed in action, Liara had seen Shepard at her worst. While she found the revelation of the depth of emotion human beings could carry for one another fascinating, just witnessing the incident had left her emotionally drained. She did not relish a repeat performance.
"I mean the whole galaxy thinks that you're dead and yet here you are...maybe Kaidan survived too," she continued.
"I would have heard from him by now if he had...don't you think?" Shepard answered, dejectedly.
She thought of the day they had called off the search...the day she had fallen apart. She barely heard Udina as he suggested they use Alenko's death as an inspiration to pronounce the whole Normandy crew as dead.
"With what we're facing, it will give you more freedom to move," he had explained.
It was a good idea, but the smug satisfaction he seemed to announce it with in light of Kaidan's death infuriated an already emotionally wrecked Shepard. She had hauled off and hit the Councilman twice, and was about to hit him a third time when Captain Anderson restrained her. Realizing the depth of her distress through her audible sobs, her superior had not asked for an explanation and she had not offered. To this day she suspected that Udina had no idea what he had done.
The crew was quickly sequestered while the new ship was being built, and Shepard swallowed her grief by constantly studying the Intel being gathered on the collectors all at the expense of the colonies that were continuing to disappear. When not pouring over reports, she was honing her skills with the others in her crew as they prepared to take on the most dangerous mission of their lives. Only upon shipping out on the new Normandy did the weight of her loss return...Kaidan Alenko would not be on board.
"I think he would do anything to get back to you but...well sometimes that's not possible...look at me back on Therum...there was no way I could have freed myself without your help," she said, " If you hadn't come for me I would still be there."
"If I hadn't come for you...you'd be dead." answered Shepard, flatly.
Liara bowed her head. She was right back where she had started from.
"I am sorry, Shepard...It seems that in my effort to cheer you, I have only made matters worse," Liara apologized.
"It's alright Liara...I'm fine, really. Is there anything else you wanted?" Shepard put on her professional face as a indicator that she wanted to be alone. The change in demeanor was not lost on the Asari.
"No, Commander." Liara said, shaking her head.
As Liara left Shepard's room, the Commander's thoughts drifted to the sweet memories of her lovers touch. She refused to cry, never the less her heart ached. She had never felt more alone.
"I can't believe it's all over... that Saren is really dead. " said Kaidan.
Dr. Chakwas had patched them up and ordered them to take at least three days rest ,and somehow Kaidan found himself drawn to Shepard's quarters.
The walk had not been easy. He feared that the stress and uncertainty of taking on Saren might have been what drove the two of them into each others arms the night before Illos. The one thing he didn't want to hear from her was that they had made a mistake.
"You can believe it, Kaidan...Saren's dead," Shepard responded.
He was encouraged at the use of his first name.
A slight smile crossed his face as he looked at her. They made quite a pair. Neither of them had taken serious damage, but they were both banged up pretty bad.
As if on cue, Shepard groaned as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
"You okay, Commander?" Kaidan stepped forward and placed his hand on her shoulder.
Softly laughing she gazed into his concerned eyes.
"Kaidan, you don't have to call me Commander in the inner sanctum," she said.
"Inner Sanctum...is that what we're calling it?" asked Kaidan. He could feel his fears begin to melt away at Shepard's words.
"Private Quarters...Inner Sanctum...it doesn't matter. Leave the Commander and the Lieutenant outside...in here...it's just you and me." She explained.
Kaidan sat down next to her, and surprised himself as he let out a groan.
"Okay, I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much to just sit down," he confessed.
Laughing, she responded, "I'm glad I'm not the only one."
"Just one of the many wonderful things we can share together," he teased.
Reaching out, he took her hand in his and she squeezed his hand in return.
"One day our groans won't be from fighting...they'll be due to age," she said.
"She thinks of us growing old together," he thought. It was better than he had hoped for.
Mustering all the courage he could manage, he asked, " Do you think we'll still be together when we're old?"
When the words were out of his lips, his heart skipped a beat. He had put his feelings on the line, and old fears festered by old wounds bubbled to the surface. Subconsciously he held his breath in anticipation of the answer.
"I hope so." she said, "Provided we don't die in action."
Smiling broadly, she looked into his eyes intently. His heart lifted...Why had he doubted?
"You die in action?...Never!...No one can take down Commander Shepard...the first human Spectre." He felt his confidence begin to rise.
"Kaidan...no Commander, even on jest." she joked.
"Sorry Shepard." he apologized.
"Abigail, Kaidan...or Abby...please" Shepard answered. Kaidan could hear the pleading in her voice. He understood. The whole galaxy saw her as Commander Shepard...the first Human Spectre...but no one really saw her...except for him.
"Abby" Kaidan whispered.
He leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. As she fell into his lovemaking, the pains and injuries that were inflicted on them by Saren were soon forgotten.
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Disheveled and disoriented, Kaidan woke from a pleasant dream of Shepard in his arms. The memory was so strong he thought he could still smell her scent.
"Get up!" the voice yelled.
"Not Shepard," he thought.
He didn't understand why the Batarians felt the need to poke them with electric prods when the slave jack pretty much insured they would do what they were told. Kaidan stood to his feet.
"Back to work...sleep is over!" the voice yelled. It owner poked Kaidan in the back to move him along.
The other slaves were also being pushed and prodded as they began to make their way to the mining sight.
The five hours given them to eat and sleep were never enough, and Kaidan found himself more often than not opting for sleep over food. The choice had put a toll on his frame.
Once a perfect physical specimen of the Alliance military, he was now reduced to a shell of his former self.
"I probably look like a husk." he had once thought...a thought that had brought out a chuckle he soon regretted, as an electric prod had come crashing down on his skull.
His good looks could still be seen beneath the sunken eyes and cheeks, though a few more years under the Batarians would certainly do them in.
Clean shaven the scars on his neck stood out more violently than those of his companions. While most of the other slaves had evidence of only one wound to the base of their necks, Kaidan had three...one for his original L2 implant...one for the Batarian slave jack...and one for a biotic dampner than fit snugly next to his implant to repress his biotic abilities.
Making his way down the steep slope his thoughts drifted back to his dream. The memory of Shepard was the one thing that kept him going...the one thing that gave him hope.
One day I'll find you again, Shepard." he thought to himself.
"Move!" Kaidan felt the pulse in the slave jack and found his feet moving faster. The slave beside him went down with a blow from one of the Batarian guards. Averting his eyes, he pushed forward, trying to block out the screams of the fallen, as the guard mercilessly beat him. The more he screamed the harder the prod cracked. Kaidan shuddered.
He remembered the first time he had screamed under the hands of his captors.