Hello! I decided to write a songfic using the music of "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston because I think the lyrics has so much to do with Kenshin and Tomoe.
I hope you enjoy this fic.
Please, keep in mind that English is not my original language, so I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes.
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way
My name is Himura Tomoe.
Today is a decisive day in my life. Or at least is that what I like to think so.
I came here determined to stop the madness that I help create. I wanted to put an end of it.
In my innocence I was hoping that they would forget about me and let me live my life in peace along with my husband, Kenshin. However, that's not what happened. How could I ever let myself think otherwise?!
Then again, this is my fault. In the beginning, I wanted to help them. Help the Shogun arrest and kill the most fear assassin of their enemy, the Ishin-shishi, Hitokiri Battousai. He was responsible for the death of my former fiancé, Kiyosato Akira.
Because of my fiancé's death, I decided to search and help the Shogun find his assassin. That's how I met Kenshin, a.k.a Hitokiri Battousai.
Yes, I marry the assassin of my fiancé. But Kenshin it's not like they describe. Very much the opposite. He is not cold, he is not indifferent, he does not like violence much less enjoy killing. I've seen it. He has the kindest heart, gentle, who wanted to help people. Unfortunately, he was born in an era of war.
After I married him, we came to live in a village. I had hopes that the Shogun would forget about me. But yesterday they gave me their sign. The sign that they were ready to kill Kenshin. That's why I came here, to try to stop them.
But now I'm trap in this room. All I could do is wait.
As I wait here my mind started to remember the most important moments that I experienced since last year.
And I... will always love you, ooh
Will always love you
You
My darling, you...
Mmm-mm
It's been two months since I started to work at the Ishin-shishi Inn. During that time, I was able to get to know the people who work there. And I was starting to realize that there's no "black and white" in a war. Their reasons, their motivation are very profound! Both sides claimed that they wanted the best for our people and our country. There's no right or wrong… they are fighting for their believes.
During that time, I was able to get to know Him...
One particular memory came that came to me in that period was Kenshin asleep next to the window. He loves to do that. He sat next to the window and fall asleep often.
That day, he look particular tired. Asleep next to the window with his katana next to him. Always next to him. Always at his reach. But he looked serene, peaceful and so young. Then again, he is just a young man, only 15 years old.
At that time, I was starting to question my feelings for him. I realized that he take orders, not that it exclude his responsibility, but he wasn't the only one. And I could see, with my own eyes, how this killing affects him. How he hates what he is doing, how he spend hours washing himself, washing his hand to the point of almost hurt them. But he firmly believe that this is for the best of Japan. Akira, believed that same thing when he decided to come to Kyoto.
So when I saw him there, asleep next to that window, I couldn't help but the felling of protecting him. So I took my scarf and approach him to cover him and protect him from the cold wind.
I was centimeters of his face… I didn't realize the danger… his eyes open and in seconds he grab my kimono at the same time that he reaches for his sword…. His eyes were pure anger, gold like the fires of hell… his face was hard… not a trace of the sweet and innocent boy sleeping in the window.
In seconds he realized that it was me, and push me away from him… and started to apologize.
"Tomoe-san… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry.. I didn't realize it was you"
I couldn't say anything… I was in awe… he went to a sweet boy, to merciless assassin, and then to a sweet and scared boy in a matter of seconds!
And he continued apologizing.
"I told you that I would never kill someone that doesn't have a sword… but right now, I'm in a mental state that I can't guarantee my words. So I'm asking you, please, leave… otherwise… one day… really… I may actually…"
At that moment I realized how scared he was… scared of himself…
I never really think about it… the decision was made automatically…
"I think I will stay here for a while" . As the words came out of my mouth, I took the scarf again and put it around him. "You need a sheath to hold your insanity ".
The look on his face… he was so surprised… he holds my scarf tight against him, and let his eyes concentrated on the floor. When he spoke again his voice were softer. "Remember when you ask me that if you had a sword that day I would have killed you? The answer is 'no'. I would never kill you, no matter what "
I was surprised by his honesty. That day I was sure, Hitokiri Battousai, the feared assassin was not only afraid of himself, but he was actually a kind soul. For some reason I felt touched by his words. I didn't realize at that time that, my feelings for him were changing…
Bittersweet memories –
That is all I'm taking with me.
So good-bye.
Please don't cry:
We both know I'm not what you, you need
After that day, Himura and I became closer. He didn't bother to be in the same room with me anymore. And we made smalls talks every day. During the nights when he didn't have a mission, he sleep next to the window and let the futon for me. I lost count how many times I have woke up with him having a nightmare, murmuring names, asking for forgiveness. He felt comfortable around me, so much that I could do it! I could kill him in his sleep… but it just didn't feel right anymore.
I realized during those months that he was just a weapon. Just a boy who wanted to help people have a better life, and happens to be good with the sword. The responsible for the deaths, are the men who corrupted his soul.
Himura told me latter that, before join the war, he never had killed anyone. I could only conclude that Katsura-san is responsible, not only for Akira's death, but also to put this boy in the hell of war and make him in charge of so many deaths.
One of those nights, during Gion's festivals Katakai-san came running yelling for Himura. There has been an incident at the Ikeda Inn were Katsura-san was. Most of the monarchists died that night. The next days Kyoto was a chaos.
There was a chance of the Shinsengumi know where we were, so we had to leave. Himura guided me thought the city. That day, I saw again the rain of blood that he is capable of.
We were hiding in an alley, surrounded by Shinsengumi's men.
"Tomoe-san" he told me. "I have to take care of this or they will keep chasing us… you run in that direction". He pointed to me where I should go, but I didn't wanted to leave, I was afraid to leave him alone with so many enemies around us. So I hold his arm.
He looks at me a little annoyed.
"No. I'm not leaving you".
"You have to leave. You don't need to see this."
"I wanna see… If I'm going to help with your madness I need to see"
He was about to answer me when a group of men saw us. He acted fast. So fast that in just a couple of minutes the group was dead, and he was covered in blood…
Once we were out of Kyoto he spoke again.
"I'm sorry you had to see that". I shook my head.
"You need to clean yourself Himura-kun."
After he was clean, we went to a bridge where he was supposed to meet with Katsura-san.
Katsura-san told him to lay low for a moment until he restructure the Ishin-shishi again. He had a house in a village and ask me to go with Himura pretending to be a newlyweds couple. After that, he left and Himura and I were in silence.
"Himura-kun, what do you wanna do? I have nowhere else to go"
"Everyone has a place to go. If you need money to get back with your family I can give that to you". He gave me a chance to leave this madness!
To be with my father, and my brother again. But I couldn't face them now, not after I left home like that… and besides, I was worried about him. Like me, in this city, he was completely alone, even the Ishin-shishi were afraid of him. I don't know when, but at some moment I just couldn't leave him alone with the weight of the war in his shoulders…
I wanted to support him, to give him a shoulder to cry if he needed… take care of him when he came back from a mission… I know that his logic don't make sense but… once the war is over, I had a feeling that he could help so many people!
After a moment in silence, he spoke again.
"It's not fair to leave it all up to you". When he turn to face me, I saw the kindest look in his eyes and a small smile on his face. "Let's live together then… I don't know for how long… but if you want to, I don't want it to be just for show".
…Was he saying what I think he was saying?
"Let's be together for real… Until death do us apart".
Again, my answer was automatically.
"Yes".
We got married in a temple outside Kyoto on the way to Otsu.
Kenshin's eyes were shining. I was happy to see him that way, and to be able to be with him.
I was happy.
And I... will always love you
I... will always love you
You, ooh
We live together for 8 months now.
Been here in Otsu alone with Kenshin I cold see a new side of him that I never saw before, during that chaos of Kyoto.
He is hardworking, always working of the fields. He is childish, always playing his the kids on the village. He is also romantic, every chance he gets he would bring me a present. Nothing fancy, a hairclip… a mirror…
Our first months living together as husband and wife we took things slow… we sat together, walk together… I can't deny that I had mixed feelings… sometimes I felt like I was betraying Akira but then I also thought that Akira wouldn't want me to live in the hate… after I found out who are really the responsible for his death… and Kenshin… Kenshin is just a boy being used. But he makes me happy. And after Akira's death, I never thought it was possible to be happy again.
Kenshin here in Otsu smile more often and I catch myself smiling back to him. It took a couple month for us to share our first kiss, and another couple of months for us to sleep together. When we got married I was afraid of that, but Kenshin never rush me into sex. It all happened naturally.
Even happy was I was… sometimes… I felt dirty… I wasn't been honest with him… I never spoke about my family, or my past. He only knew that I was from Edo, nothing more… but how could I? How could I tell him that I came here to kill him? I was afraid to lose him, because now he was someone important to me. He was my new happiness. But every time he tells me something about his past, at the same time, I wanted to hug him, for he suffer so much, but I also want to yell at him: "Stop it. I don't want to talk about the past. You telling me about your past makes me feel like I need to share mine too".
But I never say anything. And he never asks.
During the winter, we spend more time alone. Due to the snow, the visit of the kids are not so often.
I was on the kitchen one night when he came to help.
"You don't need to Anata. This is easy".
"But I want to. You should teach me a little how to cook" he said.
"Why? If you had me for that". Really? What is he thinking… I'm not going anywhere…
"Don't know… maybe you decided to make a trip… how am I going to survive?" he joked. This was rare. He is always so serious.
"Alright. I'm going to teach you Miso Soup and how to season the meat... but that's it! You can survive on that for a couple of days". I was surprised to see me joking back at him. Really, this man has so much power on me!
It was fun to have him in the kitchen with me. He learns fast. Too fast for my taste.
In the mornings, before he started working of the field he usually go to the river to train his katas. I enjoy go with him. See him dancing with that sword against an invisible enemy is beautiful. Deadly beautiful.
His eyes, now are no longer gold like before, but has the most beautiful tone of violet. His eyes focus on the imaginary enemy as his body moves so fast that its hard for me to keep up.
Iizuka came often to visit Kenshin and tell him the news about Ishin-shishi. Sometimes they met in the house, sometimes on the road. One of this mornings that Kenshin was out with Iizuka the children came to see him. I tried to distract them, but I'm not good at playing. Never was…
I love children, but I guess they prefer play with Kenshin because he can actually play like a kid, make faces, and voices… he let the boys pretend to be samurais from Ishin-shishi while he pretended to be from the Shinsengumi. I actually had a lot of fun watching that.
One day, after the children went home he told me:
"I was fighting for the happiness of the people, but I have to confess to you that until we came to live here, I didn't know what this happiness was… living here with you, I came to realize that. You taught me what was the happiness that I need to fight for. I know that one day I have to come back to the war, but until the New Year comes, I guess we can enjoy this happiness and peace".
I was sure that day that this man was going to do great things with his life.
We were enjoying our happiness. When the snow gives us a break, the children came to visit and play. That afternoon I was inside cleaning the house, Kenshin playing with them when I heard a confusion among them. I opened the door to see what it was, and there was this kid fighting with Kenshin. When I realized who it was, I almost had a heart attack.
"Enishi?!" My little brother.
Inside home, I explain to Kenshin that he was my brother. I'm sure he had a lot of questions in his head. Kenshin is really smart. But he is also a gentleman, he let us be alone for a moment and went back to the children. That's when Enishi spoke my worst nightmare.
"Be happy Nee-san. Now it's time. It's time for Battousai be judged".
I was in shock! They found us. And I was thinking we could live in peace. Enjoy this peace.
"Lets go home Nee-san. By this time tomorrow, Battousai will be dead".
"Go home Enishi" I was pleading. "Go home and forget what you saw."
At night, Kenshin questioned why my brother wasn't going be with us. I just told him that I send Enishi back to Edo.
That night I told him a little about my past. Told him that I was engaged. That my fiancé died. And, in a way, the reason I went to Kyoto. But I didn't pronounced the name of Akira, or told him that it was by his sword that my fiancé was killed.
I cried that night… like I never had cried before. Kenshin just hug me and waited for me to calm down. Saying gentle words.
"Being here with you I realized how foolish I was thinking I could bring happiness to everyone". He said. "All a man can do is protect the happiness of people around him. Until the new era come I have to keep killing… but I promise you Tomoe. When the new Era comes, I will find a way to protect the others without killing anyone. I'll never kill again".
We stood that night by the fire. We spend our last night making love. Maybe because of our talk earlier… but our love that time was intense, full of passion, like never before.
"I love this man". That's all I could think of.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love
I had a dream that night.
It was so vivid, like I was actually there.
I was in Edo again. I could recognize some streets of the city. But Edo, in a way, looks different.
I saw this man. He was tall with a messy hair, dressed in white. He looks like a troublemaker, but somehow I felt save with him, he was trustworthy.
Next to him was this kid. Couldn't be older than Enishi now. He looked at me with hope and determination in his eyes.
There was also this woman. She was tall. Elegant. Long hair. Seems to be smart for her young age. She was looking at me with love and concern.
In the middle of them, there was this other girl. She looks like my age. Unlike the other woman, this girl looks like a tomboy. But she was beautiful. There was a happiness coming out of her. I felt good looking at her. Like I could trust her everything important. She looks at me, lift her arm and gave me her hand and a smile and say: "Okaerinasai".
I never meet them. I didn't know why they were looking at me like that, but looking at them, I felt a peace that I never felt before.
I woke up it was already dark. Kenshin was asleep. As I look at his face, I remember my brother's words: "By this time tomorrow, Battousai will be dead".
I cant let that happen! He needs to live.
This man caused so much death… but I'm sure… I know… that he will do more good in the future… he will help and save so much people…
I can't let him die because of my mistakes.
It was because of me that Akira left. He wasn't a good swordsman, but he wanted to impress me… and I didn't say anything to stop him. So he died. Died in the hands of the man lying next to me. But Kenshin is just a weapon in this war.
I finish writing my diary. Get myself ready and decided to leave the house. As I look at Kenshin one more time I felt happy.
This is the right thing to do. I need to protect this man.
He took my happiness away, but in exchange… he gave me a greater happiness.
So I left the home where I was so happy! And went to face the men who wanted to kill my husband.
But I was naïve.
Now I'm here… they are using me as a bait to make Kenshin come here.
He is coming and I don't know what to do!
I can't loose him. I can't let another man that I love die because of me. Of my mistakes.
I can hear bombs exploding!
The battle begun.
What can I do to help Kenshin? How can I save him?
I should have stayed at home. I should have told him everything this morning and we could have left. Run away.
Another bomb exploded. And then there was silence.
I open my eyes again. The room was dark. And I saw my dagger next to me.
That's when I heard: "I came here to rescue Tomoe".
It's Kenshin's voice!
I went to the door to look at him. And what I saw make me shiver. I didn't saw Kenshin. I saw Akira. For a moment the man outside was Akira!
Little by little, I was able to see Kenshin. But Akira's shadow remained.
Kenshin was hurt. Very, very hurt! There was so much blood. And I knew it, this was his blood.
I abandoned everything that I had, family, friends, to bring death to him. Because I couldn't protect Akira.
But Kenshin… Kenshin brought my heart back to life.
And I... will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I've made a decision.
That moment I saw Akira smile a little and vanish.
I turn my eyes to Kenshin. He had his eyes closed preparing for his attack. Something in me hit me… it's a suicide attack! Even I know that if Kenshin let him get too close there's no way of defense!
One more time my body move automatically… there's no fear for my life. There's no doubt… that man, needs to be protected… and I would do anything to protect him.
All I could think of was his safety… his serene smile… his promise last night.
As I run towards their battle, I reach for my dagger. Kenshin moves to his sword, the enemy is coming.
Everything happened so fast!
I put myself in front of Kenshin, in a vain tentative to protect him and attack our enemy with my dagger. I saw the enemy smile to me, as if he was mocking my moves. At that time, I also felt some pain behind me.
As I look at the man in front of me, a sword also hits him.
I don't have enough strength to hold my dagger and I let it fall behind me.
For some reason my mind replays the dream I had last night. Only this time, I was able to see who they were greeting and looking at. It was Kenshin! He looks older, with two scars on his face, but his eyes are still gentle as ever!
I knew I had done the right thing.
One day, he will find friends who will be always by his side. And one day he will find the love he deserves. A pure, honest, free of regret and doubts love. Someone who could truly love him as I never could.
I've done my mission… I helped him in his madness… he made me a promise and I know that he will keep it.
I will always love you
I, I will always love you.
I felt his arms around me and I use the last strength of my body to open my eyes. There's no pain anymore. I felt peace.
My dagger had cut him right where Akira sword once have. That was the scar from my dream.
Snow started to fall around us.
He was crying. So much!
"Why?" he asked with a shaking voice.
"Why Tomoe? Why?"
I tried to put my hand on his face to wipe his tears away…
There's so much I wanted to say!
"It should have been me!" He keep crying. "You should life to see the new Era".
I manage to put my hand on his face, and he hold it.
"Don't cry Anata". I finally was able to speak the words!
"It was better this way".
"Why?"
Oh God! He is crying so much. I never meant to him to suffer like this.
Again, I remember the dream and I was able to smile. A smile that only he was able to bring on me.
"It's okay… therefore, don't cry Anata".
I was exhausted. So I close my eyes for just a moment, and everything went dark.
You.
Darling, I love you.
I'll always...
I'll always love you.
There it is! I hope you had fun reading.
Originally I wanted to do a MV video with the images of Kenshin and Tomoe from the OVA's… but for some reason my computer hated that file and I was always loosing the little progress I've made.
So I give up and decided to put all this ideas on this fic.
Please let me know what you think… it can be good… it can be bad (but please be gentle – soft heart here! =P )