Forgive Me for I Am a Sinner
By Cybra
WARNING: Ichijouji torture ahead! Also, a small, disgusting, and only slightly mentioned part. You may now proceed.
A/N: Yeah, I got the title from a Bible quote. (So what?) This is what you get when you have one author Cybra, one extremely helpful muse Izzy, one love of Ichijouji and/or Izumi torture, and a picture which includes Ken crying while holding Wormmon (who's crying, too).
Disclaimer: I can curse in at least three languages. Which means I will curse your name if you dare suggest that I claimed to own Digimon because I shall say this now…I do not own Digimon! You may continue reading. ^^
"Lord, forgive me for I am a sinner."
That's the quote I heard somewhere.
I don't know what Bible verse it is, nor do I even remember where I heard it.
All I do know is that it fits my present mood.
I roll over on my bed to face the wall. Hopefully, Wormmon's still asleep and doesn't notice the way I'm staring off into space.
I can vaguely remember the story that went along with that verse. Apparently, a righteous man and…I think it was a tax collector…go to a temple at the same time. The righteous man praised his God, thanking Him for making him so righteous…unlike the tax collector.
The tax collector was the one who said that single sentence. I don't remember the rest of the story, but it doesn't matter.
…It's kind of perverse. Here I am, the Digidestined Child of Kindness…
…and I hadn't done a single kind thing when I had been the evil Digimon Emperor.
I'm trying to make up for it…but at the same time, I know I can never do that.
Blood of innocent creatures stains my hands. No matter how many times I try to wash them, in my mind, the blood still remains. As I had told the others, I was cruel beyond imagination. I truly had been a monster.
I still think I am.
I pull out my Digivice. As if mocking me, it has remained as black as ever. There isn't any white on it except for the border surrounding the small screen. The rest of it is gray and black.
I guess it's reflecting my soul…
…if I even have one.
The other Digidestined's Digivices are white and brightly colored, but not mine. I guess those Digivices reflect their souls as well. The other Digidestined still have innocence left in them. Even TK and Kari, who have destroyed evil Digimon before, are still innocent.
I'm not innocent.
My innocence was lost years ago.
This loss of innocence was caused when I received my wish for my brother, Sam, to disappear. I stood there, completely helpless, as he was killed by a car.
That must've been my first sin.
Since then, I've done nothing but sinning.
In the opinion of one of my fellow soccer players, we come into this world and all we need to do to get along in this world is follow a very basic set of rules. You know…"Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery"…
"Thou shalt not kill"…
I broke that very same rule many times over. I killed and loved it. It'd been fun to watch those Digimon suffer and die.
I roll over to face my room again, my stomach lurching. It's the middle of the freaking night, so no one else is awake. I fight to control my stomach so I don't have to rush out the door, quite possibly waking my parents who need their sleep. I've never felt so sick in my life.
I just was that sick.
That sick, twisted, morbid person called the Digimon Emperor had been Ken Ichijouji, no one else.
There are days when I can still feel the wind in my cape and hear the crack of my whip. I can still hear my maniacal laugh.
…I think I'm going to vomit…
"Ken…?" Wormmon's voice calls out quietly to me.
I jerk my head around so fast, I make myself dizzy.
There he is, looking at me with wide-eyed innocence. He never condemned me, even when I'd been doing those horrible things. He still doesn't condemn me. I had once thought that this little guy wasn't worthy of me, but I learned that it was I who wasn't worthy of him.
I'm still not worthy of him.
"Ken, what's wrong?" Wormmon asks.
I turn my head away from him, fighting for control. "Nothing…I just don't feel too well."
"Are you sick?"
Wormmon, I'm sick in ways that should've made you ill a long time ago. I'm a Demon of Cruelty trying to pass himself off as an Angel of Kindness. How can you stand me?
"Maybe…or maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me," I lie.
Lying. It comes so easily to me now. I used to be a terrible liar, but now I can make a passable lie that nobody will question in a heartbeat.
I swear Wormmon's eyes are drilling holes into my skull. Those eyes never glare at me, but their innocence…it reminds me of the monster I have become. That little fact seems to turn those kind and innocent eyes into laser beams that sear into every bit of my being.
I'm the Digidestined of Kindness…
I feel like I'm the rear end of some sick cosmic joke.
"Ken…shouldn't you get something to make your stomach feel better?"
Wormmon, nothing will make my stomach feel better. Why? Because underneath it all, I know that I can still be the sick person I had been before. I slip occasionally now and revert slightly back to who I had been. Every time, I feel ill afterwards.
My dinner is sitting in the pit of my stomach like how a rock sits at the bottom of a lake. My stomach lurches once more. This time, I decide not to fight it.
I'm off the bed in an instant and slipping quickly – yet quietly – into the bathroom. I barely make it in time.
Moments later, it's over. There's nothing left in my stomach to bring up, but I still feel sick. I can't seem to find the strength to stand, so I remain on my knees on the tile floor.
It was probably a funny thing to see: The former Digimon Emperor on his knees after giving, as one of my other soccer teammates so elegantly put it, "an offering to the porcelain god".
It was pretty funny…so why wasn't I laughing?
I remained there, on my knees for several minutes, shaking. I'm so sick of myself that I could die…
…but I can't.
The Digidestined need me.
From what Gatomon said, I'm the key to unlocking a power called "the Golden Radiance", whatever that is.
Ah, the bitter irony of life kicks me once again.
I hear a slight skittering as something nudges open the door. I close my eyes, already knowing who it is.
"Ken…are you feeling any better…? Ken, do you need – Ken! Are you all right?!" Wormmon asks, obviously noticing my position and shaking.
I don't even bother to tell him to keep his voice down. I shouldn't have worried about being so quiet earlier. My parents can sleep like the dead. I'd forgotten that after my two months living in the Digital World.
"No…I'm not…" I whisper.
Wormmon is at my side in moments, I can feel it. He nudges my hand, and I gently place my hand on his head.
There's another funny thing: In his "former life", so to speak, I was so cruel to him. I whipped and abused him. Now after his rebirth, I'm gentle with him.
I feel even worse than when I started out.
"Ken, why don't you get your parents to take a look at you? You're sick…"
You're right, Wormmon. I am sick. Just not in a physical sense.
Well…maybe also in a physical sense…
…Okay, more like definitely also in a physical sense…
I don't answer his question as I murmur, "I'm going to brush my teeth and go back to bed. Why don't you go on ahead of me?"
I open my eyes just to see him look pleadingly at me, then nod. He skitters obediently away, obviously not liking that I didn't tell him what was wrong with me or that I didn't ask my parents to examine my health.
I look in the mirror as I flush the toilet.
I hardly recognize myself.
My face is drawn and pale. I have rings under my eyes from lack of sleep. My hair is hanging limply around my face and some of it is mussed.
I look positively horrible…which matches how I feel perfectly.
A voice spoke softly, interrupting the silence. It took me a moment to realize it was mine.
"Digidestined," I say quietly to people not present, "forgive me for I am a sinner."