Title: Me, Mac and Sarah
Author: Chris
Rating: PG
Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes
action.
Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man'
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
Feedback: appreciated but not required
Chapter 1 Mac's POV
Clay's been asleep for a few hours now, but I can't. I'm just standing here staring out the window at the rain. I think back over the events of the past week, the conversations I've had with Clay. Why can't he understand that sometimes I don't want to be the marine, I don't want to rationalize killing sadik, I just want to be able to cry. Now that I think about it Clay can't tell the difference between the three mes. I'm not saying I'm crazy or that I have multiple personalities but I do have three main emotional states.
Firstly there's Sarah MacKenzie. The me I am everyday, joking, fun loving, steady working me. I don't really care what people call me when I'm like that, which is most of the time. Most people call me Mac, a few call me Sarah and Harm has more than a few nicknames for Sarah MacKenzie.
Then there's Mac or Colonel MacKenzie. She's the kick-ass Jarhead who's tough and stubborn to a fault. She's who I become if I need to forget that I'm a woman and just be the title, Marine. She's who takes over on the battlefield, in Sadik's shed and quite frequently in the interrogation room. She puts her feelings aside and gets the job done.
Finally, there's Sarah. Sarah's the woman, the emotional, soft, fragile one. The one who picks up the emotions that Mac pushed aside. She's the one who cried when Harm went down in the Atlantic and who needed to cry tonight.
I'm not very often Sarah or Mac but when I am I want people to notice, or at least my significant other. Clay never has, he always calls me Sarah so maybe he thinks he's getting away with not knowing when I am Sarah, but he's not. I can tell by his tone of voice, it doesn't change. Harm's voice changes, even if we're somewhere that he can't call me Sarah the tone of his voice changes to let me know that he noticed. He'll say Mac but in this soft gentle velvety voice, his voice says Mac but his heart says Sarah. He always knows when I'm Colonel MacKenzie too. His voice becomes really professional and he'll always call me Colonel or Marine. Harm can always tell, he knows exactly when they change too. That's good because a lot of the time the Colonel is quite quickly followed by Sarah. Clay doesn't see it, I don't know why but this much is clear if he can't see it, he can't see me.
I put down the blanket I had wrapped around my shoulders and finish getting dressed. I need to cry, I need for someone to hold me without trying to talk. There's only one place I can get that, I just hope he doesn't mind being woken up.
Chapter 1 Mac's POV
Clay's been asleep for a few hours now, but I can't. I'm just standing here staring out the window at the rain. I think back over the events of the past week, the conversations I've had with Clay. Why can't he understand that sometimes I don't want to be the marine, I don't want to rationalize killing sadik, I just want to be able to cry. Now that I think about it Clay can't tell the difference between the three mes. I'm not saying I'm crazy or that I have multiple personalities but I do have three main emotional states.
Firstly there's Sarah MacKenzie. The me I am everyday, joking, fun loving, steady working me. I don't really care what people call me when I'm like that, which is most of the time. Most people call me Mac, a few call me Sarah and Harm has more than a few nicknames for Sarah MacKenzie.
Then there's Mac or Colonel MacKenzie. She's the kick-ass Jarhead who's tough and stubborn to a fault. She's who I become if I need to forget that I'm a woman and just be the title, Marine. She's who takes over on the battlefield, in Sadik's shed and quite frequently in the interrogation room. She puts her feelings aside and gets the job done.
Finally, there's Sarah. Sarah's the woman, the emotional, soft, fragile one. The one who picks up the emotions that Mac pushed aside. She's the one who cried when Harm went down in the Atlantic and who needed to cry tonight.
I'm not very often Sarah or Mac but when I am I want people to notice, or at least my significant other. Clay never has, he always calls me Sarah so maybe he thinks he's getting away with not knowing when I am Sarah, but he's not. I can tell by his tone of voice, it doesn't change. Harm's voice changes, even if we're somewhere that he can't call me Sarah the tone of his voice changes to let me know that he noticed. He'll say Mac but in this soft gentle velvety voice, his voice says Mac but his heart says Sarah. He always knows when I'm Colonel MacKenzie too. His voice becomes really professional and he'll always call me Colonel or Marine. Harm can always tell, he knows exactly when they change too. That's good because a lot of the time the Colonel is quite quickly followed by Sarah. Clay doesn't see it, I don't know why but this much is clear if he can't see it, he can't see me.
I put down the blanket I had wrapped around my shoulders and finish getting dressed. I need to cry, I need for someone to hold me without trying to talk. There's only one place I can get that, I just hope he doesn't mind being woken up.