Disclaimer: Code Geass is an anime created by Sunrise, directed by Taniguchi Gorō, written by Ōkouchi Ichirō, with original character designs by mangakas Clamp.
AN: Very first attempt at a fanfic so i hope i sorta managed to portray suzaku (and a little of lelouch) right OTL spent quite a few days agonising over the content, but managed to churn this fic out in a few hrs so i'm pretty happy 8D was originally planning something totally different, but then it lead to me thinking about the pain Suzaku had to go through. Cue angst-y story.
Code Geass was pretty damn awesome and will stay at the top of my anime favs list forever.
Suzaku violently jerked awake.
Shit, it happened again.
The ex-soldier slowly pushed himself to a sitting position on the sofa, palms on his knees. Sweat was pouring from his forehead and his breathing was heavy. He took a few ragged breaths and ran a hand over his face.
Tears.
The warm liquid could be felt at the edge of his eyes. Bringing his thumb and forefinger together, he traced both lower eyelids to the bridge of his nose, wiping the tears away. It took a moment to realize he was unconsciously pressing his fingers together.
What am I doing?
Rubbing his eyes roughly, Suzaku dropped his head into his hands. More tears were already threatening to fall. He tried to hold them back by thinking of more positive memories, but this only brought forth a new wave of emotions. The anguish was unbearable.
How long will this go on for?
He sobbed silently. The cycle was never-ending. It had already been months since that incident. The incident which would haunt him for the rest of his life. Nothing could atone for his sin. Nothing.
It hurts more than dying.
He knew better than to try and off himself against the power of the geass on him now, but sometimes it still crosses his mind that Lelouch got off easy. Lelouch died to atone for all he had done, while Suzaku was left to clean up after. But the more he tried to resent Lelouch for leaving him with the 'good of the world' to watch over, the more he remembered who exactly it was that had killed his closest friend in the first place.
The guilt is eating me alive.
Whoever said, "Guilt was a powerful affliction." was certainly not wrong. Every single day it followed him relentlessly. Never backing down, never giving up. Suzaku thought it was an ironically persevering and determined emotion.
Just like the man himself.
His thoughts ran back to Lelouch. Lelouch Vi Brittania. Lelouch Lamperouge, dear Lulu. Didn't matter what he called him now. He wasn't going to come back either way. Suzaku grit his teeth, trying again to hold back his tears. The effort shook his lean, muscular frame.
I'll see this to the end.
He was an ex-soldier and knight. Following orders were no new task. He was going to follow Lelouch's final order to the best of his ability. No. He was going to do better than that. Lelouch's expectations were always high.
I owe him that much.
Suzaku raised a tear-stained face from his hands, the first rays of morning light interrupting his thoughts. The rare night he could get some decent rest in between hectic days, wasted, thanks to those nightmares. He trudged to the toilet to get a look at his haggard face.
At least the bastard left me a mask to hide behind.
Suzaku chuckled to himself. He wouldn't have wanted anyone to know how tired he was. The eye bags and expression would have revealed it all, even if his actions didn't. He splashed himself awake, ready to face the challenges another day would bring.
The Kururugi Suzaku from before is dead.
The new Zero was going to live. Even without an identity. Even without his own happiness.
This is his life now.