The one time I actually found love
AN: I did not write a story in a long time and I think I got a bit rusty here. I still want to share it with you, because… I think, even if it's great to be able to do things on your own and for yourself, it's such a beautiful thing to share things with others… so… this is for you and I hope you can enjoy it somehow.
A story by "thelittlered" and some words inspired me to try again and write mine. So… thank you very much for your beautiful story and your inspiration.
It would be wonderful to get some sort of reply and hear what you all think about it. I am very happy and thankful for the writers that they introduced Gail/Holly to us. They are such a beautiful pairing and I admire them very much and it feels great to be a small part of it and this fandom with this story.
Let's hope that we can see more of them together on television, pretty soon. Like people say… MFEO.
Sun
„The fall rain was pounding down on an old New Hampshire mill and the river wild and high. I was talking to her while leaves blew down like a sudden chill - there was wildness in her eyes. We made love like we'd been waiting all of our lives for this (…)
but these days she doesn't talk to me and she won't tell me why. I miss her every time i say her name."
„The Poet Game" – Ani DiFranco
It's strange how within 7 days things change so much that you barely recognize your own face in the mirror.
7 days ago there's been a smile plastered on my face when i brushed my teeth in the morning or washed my face in the evening.
Now, it feels like i don't know how to move my lips anymore to form a smile as bright as the one she plastered there. I've always been a optimistic person, positive in a way i couldn't even explain to myself, but when she stormed into my life she's been like a constructor. She created such a big smile on my face, with her lips and her hands, that it almost felt uncomfortable when it faded. It felt unnatural for it not to be there, now that i had her.
In a way it is my fault it's gone and i would beg forgiveness and try to fix it, if she would let me. But...
Maybe i should start in the beginning, where all the beautiful memories lie hidden. I love to think about them and how happy she looked, how contend i were. But i can't, without a sting in my heart.
Just 7 days ago we were taking a walk, something she not willingly does, but did anyway, for me. Just now i realize all the little things she did for me, in order to satisty me, simple things that meant a lot in gail-peck's world... like she always hung up her coat on her way inside (even though i know she preferd to just throw it somewhere when she came to my place after a long day at work...)
Or like she agreed to go to the batting cages with me, whenever i had a bad day, because she knew it calmed down my nerves (and it made me laugh when she shrieked and couldn't manage to hit the ball. Sometimes i think she did it on purpose, just to make me laugh, even if she could embarrass herself in front of i know how much she hates to get embarass, let her gourd down and be something else than put- together, strong and snarky - Officer Peck).
7 days ago as the snow softly began to fall and i got so excited about those little unique wonders, she simply rolled her eyes at me, took her coat and let herself get dragged outside.
She walked by my side, only complaining once or twice and in her tone and through her curving lips i knew that she just hated it a little. She held my hand... the whole time.
Just a few blocks away from my home the snow got thicker and the ice cold wind made me shake a little bit, but i still hoped that this moment would last forever. It was was oddly romantic how she didn't let go and how she took a glimpse now and then. Everytime she looked at me my heart stopped, just to take a big leap afterwards.
I don't know how she's been able to make me fall in love with her so easily.
But when she suddenly stopped and stepped in front of me, her lips dangerously close to mine, with a mischievous smile and warmth and love in her eyes, i knew...
When she looked deeply into my eyes and drew her lips softly over my cold ones, without actually kissing them, as if she just wanted to feel them for a moment...
When she said "Take me home, Holly. Make love to me", I should have known that she was falling as fast and hard as i was.
Maybe i am old school, but having sex, fucking each other and making love is such a big difference and even though i enjoy the other ones very very much, making love to her meant so much more.
So when we entered my home and i pushed her softly against the door to kiss her deeply and she pulled me impossible nearer.
When I undressed her slowly, always touching her skin in some way and she shivered nervously and the look in her eyes was between being utterly terrified and being in love…
I should have realized it wasn't a "having sex for the first time (with another woman) and i am nervous" kinda thing. It's been a "making love with the person you are truly falling in love with for the First time and THAT is making me nervous" thing.
I should have known how deep she was involved in this.
I should have known the moment our naked skin touched for the first time and she sighed deeply and whispered "i love how you feel" in my ear.
I should have known when i pushed inside her, my body on top of her, her mouth shaping an "O" and the blond short hair sticking to her forhead and she pulled me even closer as if she wanted me to reach her soul.
I should have known in the way she touched me cheek with her hands and how she looked into my eyes the whole time before she came and the way she sighed my name. I never forget the way she held onto me like it was the last night on earth and how she softly asked me to stay longer inside of her. Just like me she did not want to let go, she did not want the moment to pass, because i swear in this moment it felt like we became one.
I should have known and i should have told her right away how far i was already falling in love with her. I should have made it clear how much i wanted to be with her.
But i was terrified, about driving her away with too much too soon. Well, isn't it funny that in the end i drove her away by saying nothing? Isn't it the most painful way of irony showing it's face?
Just like cutting down trees and writing "Save the planet" on the paper, that once had beautiful leaves?
Instead i said, after long hours of reaching out to one another and making sweet passionate love, "would you accompany me in two days, meeting my friends? You know... they are practically like family...", in hope she would read between the lines . That she would see how much it meant to me to introduce her to the friends I've known for so long, how much it said about my feelings for her.
But I learned that you should never, absolutely never, expect someone to understand what you are trying to say, without actually saying the Words ...
After those words left my mouth, that couldn't be further away from the truth, , i realized how much it had hurt her that i did not stand up for her and that i somehow also denied what we had. Of course everything was more fun with her by my side... but that was just a small part of what she meant to me.
In this moment she looked like a lost animal that got kicked and she lashed out. She was like an animal, that once trusted people, before it became wild. And when it came out and tried to trust someone again, it got burnt and you don't know if it ever comes back after that. But the most painful thing was that beside that she looked as if she had known that this would eventually happen...
I tried to reach out for her, but she ignored every attempt and that's when i realized how hurt she really was. So i tried to push my own need to fix it and my own pain aside and decided to give her some time and space, until she was able to look past her insecurities and her past, too see that i was waiting for her.
Every single night I had to make myself go home, instead of showing up at her door, forcing her to listen to me and making her see how precious I think she is.
I was going crazy, for her, because of her.
I barely functioned, because all I could think about was the short time we spent together, all the things we did, how her kisses tasted and how her lips felt upon mine. I remembered how she smelled of vanilla and something else altogether. Something that was purely her.
No matter what I did, no matter how much wine I drank, no matter which super-nerdy tv show I watched or how long I stayed at work, just to keep my mind focused on something else… I couldn't get her out of my head… and honestly I didn't want to.
7 days after we parted the door to the morgue opened and like always, I hoped, with every fiber of my being, that she would be the one standing there. Instead I recognized Steve, when I turned around. I only met him once at the hospital, but after all the stories Gail shared with me, it felt like I already knew him.
"Do you know where she is?" He asked me urgently, without any sort of reception.
"Excuse me?"
He shook his head and looked at me almost pleadingly. "Gail. You know where Gail is?"
Hearing her name stung. Knowing that 7 days ago I might have had the ability to answer him, but now I didn't even know anything about her well – being.
"No… No, I haven't talked to her in over 7 days, after…" I didn't have to finish my sentence, because I believed that they all knew what a coward I've been at the bar.
With his hand he brushed through his thick blond reddish hair. He seemed distraught and that's when I felt my stomach turn over. Why would he come over and ask me if I knew where Gail is, when he knew what happened between us?
"Is… is something wrong? What happened? Please…"
"No! I mean yes. God, I don't know! I try not to show it, but after Perick I sometimes worry and I couldn't get a hold of her and she is not answering her phone and no one knows where she is, it's like she just disappeared! And I thought that maybe you'd know where she is, because…"
"Wait, what? What do you mean she just disappeared?" I felt my knees go weak in the worst way and it felt as if something squeezed my heart way too hard.
"She did not come into work this morning and when we asked Frank he said she was taking a few days off, but he couldn't tell us more. And because she hardly takes a day off, even if she's sick, something has to be wrong. So I drove to her apartment, but she wasn't there. No sign. I asked Chris and Dov, but they didn't know anything at all and I just can't get a hold of her. No one knows where she is… and I started to worry and hoped she would be with you, somehow, making up, you know."
Suddenly it was hard for me to breath and I had to sit down. It might mean nothing… After all the chaos with Ford, her friends fighting for her life, and… after I hurt her, she might need some time off… she might… But I understood why he worried, I could feel fear settle down in my bones and spread everywhere. What if someone happened to her and no one knows where she is? What if something happened to her in the first place? What if…
"No… no making up…" I whispered and brought a hand to my lips, staring at the wall and seeing nothing at all.
"I am sorry… I… I didn't want to worry you. I just needed to ask if you know something. I guess she's just taking a few days off and she forgot to tell us… I'll let you know when I hear something from her… would you do the same?"
"Will do… Thank you"
"And try not to worry. I will try the same. Everything will be okay." He offered me a small smile and I tried to return it, but I hardly couldn't.
7 days without a word from Gail, without any contact and I hated it that this was the first life-sign I had from her.
Even if I tried, I could not stop to worry. Long after he was gone, I sat in the same position, because I did not trust my legs to hold me up.
This night I tried to call her, with my hands shaking, but it went straight to her voice mail.
I tried to be reasonable. She is old enough. She is a police officer. She is strong and bull headed. She knows how to take care of herself. But in the end my fear won the fight and I gave into it. Curling up like a ball in my bed, crying. For the first time since our fight I relieved all the stress and the pain I felt since I last saw her.
Just half an hour later I received a message and I hoped it would be her, but instead it was Steve.
"As far as I can say she is okay. She wrote a message, I receite "Stop calling dumbass. I needed to get away for a while. No need to call Interpol. I'll be back before you all realize that I went away in the first place." Don't worry. Steve"
I chuckled, tears still visible on my cheeks. Again I realized how much I missed her and that feeling brought me another sobbing-fit.
It pained me to see again how less she thought of herself. I think she really believes that no one cares enough to know about her absence… that no one really misses her.
When she gets back, I promised myself, I would tell and show her how much she means to the world and how much people miss her. Right after I kicked her ass for leaving and not telling anyone about it.
Right now I damned her for making me worry, asking myself where she is and how she is doing, hoping nothing would happen to her…
But maybe that's a point about loving… you will never stop worrying about the other person, no matter how logical everything seems.
Stop worrying would mean stop caring, wouldn't it?
The next morning I read a short message on my phone, not knowing what it exactly meant. But it was a step, a step from Gail in my direction. Overall it just meant one thing to me: hope.
"I'm sorry. G"
After all, giving up isn't an option.
So I watched the world tear us apart And your light's always shining on A constant reminder of where I can find her
A stoic mind and a bleeding heart
You never see my bleeding heart
And I've been traveling oh so long
I've been traveling oh so long
Light that might give up the way
Is all that I'm asking for without her I'm lost
Oh my love don't fade away
„Reminder" – Mumford and Sons
In order to see what we have, we sometimes need to take a look at it from a distance.
I think everyone knows the feeling, the need to get away from home, you call it desire, itchy feet or wanderlust. Sometimes you just need to get away, clear your head. After the Desaster with Nick, the break up from Chris, the Perrick Case which nearly made me lose my mind and myself in the process and the second break up from Nick, i felt like i had to get away from my hometown. Everytime when something bad happened to me i asked myself if it would be better somewhere else. If i just wasn't in the right place. Maybe somewhere out there I would truly belong. Maybe i just had to leave in order to find happiness.
Then Holly entered my life, so suddenly, like a whirlwind you didn't expect and everything i once believed seemed wrong.. I did not know why exactly, but everything about her made me fall in love with her and i caught myself wanting to do anything in order to make her happy, trying to find a way in the simplest ways... for a short time i believed that someone could look past my snarky and sarcastic comments, could see the person behind the rude and strong attire. I won't lie. I am all of that. It's part of who i am. But it's not everything that i am, just like nothing is just black or white. I just did everything to not reveal the hurt i felt when someone told me how great it is that i am cold hearted, because that means i dont take cases too hard or how i don't have feelings. They might not see my tears, but that doesn't mean they are not there.
But Holly didn't take my shit, she always found a reply, throwing me off and that intrigued me. She fascinated me. And overall she saw behind the walls i built up and what amazed me the most is that she did not get scared or ran away. She stayed. As a friend... and later as my lover.
After the first time we made love, after i complete lost myself in her, i realized that i wanted more. I did not want to be her friend, nor her lover. I wanted to be all of that and even more. I wanted to love and cherish her and let her see past my defences, as long as i could. And when she said "never" after i asked her to not let me go, when i started to come down from the first hight she took me to, i believed she wanted the same. She did so many things to make me believe that she actually wanted me to be her plus one forever...
So the moment I heard her say that it was fun what we had, something inside me broke. It hurted more than anything i ever felt before, because everything that i compared to her was nothing.. i realize that maybe she wanted to deflect, that she meant something else altogether, but i couldnt bring myself to listen to anything she had to say, because the pain i felt was too real. I felt betrayed... and sometimes you just can't control your feelings, even if you would like to. After the first two days in which i drank, cursed like a sailor and almost crawled out of my skin and it took a lot to not call her and talk to her... i wanted to hear her voice and i needed her to explain what I menat to her… i longed to hear her say that it was just a misunderstanding and that she was falling as deeply as i was. But i couldnt... we humans can be so stupid sometimes... and so awfully blind.
So i thought that getting away would make everything disappear. Maybe i just needed to get away for some time, where i wouldn't see and feel her in every thing i do and everywhere i go. Maybe getting out of the city would clear my mind and help me to heal. Maybe i could forget her for a bit and it wouldn't hurt as much...
I realized that going away doesn't help when you leave out of misery. You'll feel miserable everywhere you go, until you solved your problems. You can't just run away from them. Maybe it's not always the place we are, but what we make the best of a bad job.
I did not realize that in the beginning.
I just had to get away from everything that was Toronto and Holly. It's been panic reaction and i did not tell anyone about it, i just called Frank, asking to get a few days off after i didn't have a real vacation in a long time and then i just took of. I drove south and then to the west. I can't recall where i exactly went, i just drove until i was too tired to drive further.
The days went by in a blur, days turned into night and somehow the birds welcomed another day in the early hours of each new day. Until it started all over again, like a never ending circle.
I thought it would help to get away but in the end i missed her even more and i thought about calling her way too many times. In the end i wrote her one message.
"I'm sorry. G"
I couldnt even tell her why. It just felt like i was sorry for so many things... for letting her down, for reacting without listening, for taking off without telling her anything... for not taking any of her calls. In the end i felt sorry for so many things and like i could never make it good in the end.
But I also knew that I had to try. I needed to explain myself to her and give her the chance to do the same.
After 10 days of driving through the country, sorting my thoughts and missing her terribly I drove back. Actually I couldnt stop driving once I came clean and decided what i wanted to do.
In the evening of the 11th day I stood exactly where I wanted to be. Saying that I was nervous is an understatement, but I also felt relieved and happiness, because I knew that I would be able to see her again in mere seconds.
The moment she opened the door and I saw her again after 18 days my heart jumped furiously in my chest and I felt a shy smile forming on my lips.
The moment I saw her I knew that no matter what, despite the hurt we caused each other and despite the pain and anger I felt towards her after the fight, from now on I'd always try to be better. I'd run into her direction instead of running away from her. I knew that she was worth fighting for. All the love I felt for her and because of her, all the happiness was worth the pain I'd sometimes feel after a fight.
Where there's good there will always be pain.
Where the sun arise, the clouds can disguise it.
But in the end it just has to be worth it.
After the initial shock was gone from her face it was replaced by something else altogether: relief.
Suddenly I felt her arms around me and her head rested in the crook of my neck. I Almost couldn't breath by the strength she hugged me with, but i couldn't care less. It felt too good to touch her again.
"Oh my god. You're back. Are you hurt? Is everything okay?" She asked, tripping over her own words.
She craddled my face in her hands, running her fingers down my cheek and then reaching my shoulders, my arms, my hands. As if she was checking out that i really wasn't harmed. And when she made sure that physically i was okay she pushed me away with all the strength she had left in her, right before she set her glasses that had shifted when she pulled me into arms.
"What the fuck did you think? Were you out of your mind? God! You don't know how much i hate you right now for what you put me through! Do you know how worried I was? How much the other worried?"
The smile I had when she started rambling soon faded. At the end of my trip I knew that I made a mistake by leaving, but in the beginning i did not think about it. I just needed to go. It was like my legs were running, even before my head registered what I was doing.
„I didn't think that…"
„YES! That's the problem! You didn't think Gail! You just assumed that no one would care, that no one would even realize that you are gone until you are actually back! You just assume that you are not important to people… You just assumed that I am not serious about you. You assume things without thinking about it or giving others the chance to tell you otherwise!" Their were tears in her voice. I could hear them, before I was able to see them.
We were silent. Neither of us said a word. The only sound were the sound of her heavy breathing. I could feel all of her pent - up emotion pouring out.
„And the worst thing is… that despite all of that and how mad you made me with the way you handled it. All I could think about was seeing you. And now that I see you, all I can think about is kissing you. You are turning me into a fool." She said, between crying and chuckling.
I took a step forward. I wanted to be nearer and soothe her pain, but I knew we weren't there yet. Too many things on my mind. Too many things that needed to be said.
„I am sorry, Holly. I truly am… I wish I would have handled it better… but I couldn't… I couldn't see past the hurt und the pain your words caused. I know I should have given you a chance to explain, but I just couldn't bring myself to…"
Her eyes softened a bit, she opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her.
„Let me… I need to tell you… I never believed in the „I haven't searched for love, but unforseeable, it found me." At least it hasn't been like that for me. Despite what everyone says about me… about being a cold person, about being terrible and about me not having feelings… I actually searched for love all my life. I looked for it in every cardinal direction, in every crossroad that loomed in front of me and in every corner. I searched like a madman, but i never actually believed that I would find it. So you know what the unforseeable was? That I actually Found it. You came and suddenly everything changed and I realized. Maybe I searched in the wrong places, in the wrong person."
I barely cry, most of the time I hold it back, hold it within me so noone can see it. Tears are vulnerability. When you know where a person is vulnerbale, you can bring them down, just like Achilles was brought down, because of his weakest point. I followed those rule all my life, but then I didn't want to anymore.
„I was falling in love with you, so unbelievably fast und so hard, that I got terrified. But that was okay, because I was with you and somehow that made everything better… and I believed, I hoped, that you were in it, just the way I was. So when you said that you were just having fun… I…"
And the tears were flowing, like a freakin dam broke and no matter how hard i'd try I couldn't keep it in.
She rushed forward, just like she did when she opened the door and saw me fort he first time in 18 days.
She wiped away my tears with her fingers and it felt like she reached deep within me.
She kissed them away, one after the other and feeling her lips on my skin after such a long time, made me shiver.
„I am so sorry. I am so so sorry Gail. I wish I could go back in time and rewrite what happened. I would have so many things to say. I… I tried to deflect what Lisa said, because I didn't feel like I needed to explain what we have and I was afraid to say out loud how much I already am committed to you, beacause I did not want to assume and drive you away. I ignored most of the things she said, because I thought they were the furthest from the truth. If I had known how much they hurt you I'd have… Gail… please forgive me… I am so sorry for not standing up to you, for not telling everyone I know how much you mean to me… I am sorry for not trying harder afterwards…" She looked up into my eyes, as her hand laid upon my my chest, right where my heart lays.
„You said have."
„What?" She looked dumbstruck.
I cleared my throat which felt hoarse after all the crying.
„You said… ‚I didn'f feel like i needed to explain what we have.". You said have, not had… which is present… Does that mean… you still…" I said childlike and her laughter was like music to my ears, like rain in the middle of a dry spell.
„Of course, you beautiful idiot."
„You forgiving me for standing you up? For leaving without telling you and ignoring your calls?" I really felt bad naming all the things I did wrong in the past weeks.
„Well… you've got a bit groveling to do… But I do, too. So we'll just grovel together."
I laughed and took a step nearer, placing myself in her welcoming arms.
„But if they say that nothing is forever, then what makes love the exception?"
I voiced my fear, using one of my favourite songs ever. I was ashamed for still being afraid, but I couldn't help myself.
But maybe it's okay to be afraid? Someone once said to me that being afraid is a sign of bravery, because not everyone would admit to be afraid. Being afraid of something can help you to be more careful and alert. Everyone is afraid of somethings… don't be ashamed about being afraid of something. It's the most natural thing.
But the point is in doing it anyhow.
Because sometimes you can't take a step forward in life without overcoming your deepest fear. It makes you stronger and wiser in the end.
She chuckled and pulled me closer.
„I didn't pick you for the ‚Outkast' – type."
„Actually it's The Blank's version… from Scrubs… you know." I couldn't help myself to correct her.
„Who's the nerd now?"
„You. Always you." I whispered, smiling brightly fort he first time in ages. I know that I answered her in a different context, but saying it felt like implying something else altogether.
„You know…" She started, never breaking eye contact. „I can't tell you what's going to happen in the future. I can't promise that everything will be wonderful, without any bumps in the road… But the most important thing ist that we want it… and if we both really want it, we can manage. And I'd love for you to be my plus one forever."
And then she kissed me. It wasn't rushed or deep. It wasn't passionate or hot.
It was a promise, the softest way to say ‚I am in this with you' and the sweetest way to reply.
And when she took my hand in hers and pulled me into her apartment I knew that in the end, everything would turn out alright.