Buffy laid staring at her bedroom ceiling, lost in thought. Wondering about why she was brought back to life, this life. A life filled with un-dead creatures, and peril. To slay again. Would she ever have a normal life? She thought of how her life has changed since her unexpected return to the living world. Her thoughts always returned to the same person; Spike. Her life had changed the most now because of him. She spat him, and his horrible dark deeds, out of her mind.
Somehow everything that was going wrong her life, with her friend's lives, was all Spike's fault. Anya and Xander had broken up, when he had left her at the alter, Tara was dead, Giles had left town, again, Willow had gone wicca crazy and now was bound for magical rehab, and Buffy was sure that Dawn's new habits were directly the influence of Spike and his stories of gore.
Buffy mulled over her own problems, she knew that Spike had played just as big a part in her emotional problems as anyone. A deep lifeless depression had claimed Buffy when she had been resurrected. Paralyzing her life, her emotions, and Spike seemed to be the only anecdote to her pain, to make her truly feel again. Buffy shuttered at the memories that coated her mind of the long nights in a cold crypt, with the one person in this world who could warm her. She continued to push all thoughts out of her mind. Spike had left her, he was gone, that was all that mattered to Buffy.
She sighed heavily as she kicked her feet over the side of the bed. Time seemed to rush past Buffy without any warning. It was nearly time for her to start her shift at the Double Meat Palace. Lazily she pulled her uniform on, feeling immediately greasy for wearing it.
"Another day. . . ." Buffy said to the Mirror. "Another cold lifeless day....."
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The last thing Spike had wanted was a soul. He wanted to be a vampire again, with out the chip, without the love- To have the thrill of the hunt, to feel warm blood fill his mouth as he sucked a person dry, at least one more time; and for it be Buffy.
Instead he had become more spineless, more like his sire. Spike detested the man, the vampire, whatever he had now become. Angel was a spineless frail emotional man, with no concept of bloodlust. Spike had to wonder what drew women to him. Both Dru and Buffy went to Angel like moths to the flame; always. Now that Spike had become more like him he still seemed to repel Buffy, not to mention Drusilla's rejection.
Spike rolled onto his back, staring at the top of the cave. After being dead for over 130 years, life, after an odd fashion, had been restored to him; and he was unpleased. Life was not what he desired. Quickly his own voice echoed in his mind.I know you feel like I do, you don't have to hide it anymore. I'll make you feel it... Tears welled in Spikes eyes creating pools of blue, magnified by the pain of what he did. Guilt rushed over him, pent up for one hundred and thirty years; guilt of murder, violence, death, deceit. Now he was atoning for his compassion less actions. The faces of millions of people flashed through his mind. Not only of those who he had fed on, but their families weeping over their graves. The vivid images of people who had found their loved ones dead- never being the same again- the horror that they had lived with every day until they died, now took over Spike's mind.
Out of all of them Buffy's words echoed loudest out of all the screams, her face shone out among all the others. Ask me again why I could never love you.... Spike felt his heart sink, searing hot pain rushed through his body.
Was there ever a chance Buffy could have loved Spike? Did she ever admit it to herself? Was there any chance of fully regaining even part of her? Spike cringed at the thought of never seeing Buffy again. His stomach wrenched as he knew he was the only one to blame for Buffy's spite. The betrayal, the fact that he was the only one there to warm her from a cold grave, and he had failed her miserably. Another stab of guilt and pain gutted his body. He failed the one person he never wanted to fail, the one person he truly loved. He wanted to die all over again. To even cease to be. He wanted to deny the pain, guilt, deny even the love he had for her. Deep inside his heart had resumed beating, as if it had stopped for only a moment. He hated the sound it made in his ears. As the beating grew louder Spike felt himself loose control of the images of his past iniquities. All the while Buffy's denial of love echoed behind every image.
Spike rolled on the floor for hours, wondering why now he had a soul, had a life. Why he had been given this beating heart when he wanted a cold one. To forget it all in a frenzy of death and blood. All he could do was lie and wonder what to do with this life that had been given to him. The only reason he would ever want a soul- ever want to live again- was for Buffy. It was too late to salvage their relationship. Spike pondered momentarily the death of the relationship, knowing that there was almost no way to revive it.
"But she doesn't know William." Spike said aloud, a smirk spreading across his face.
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Buffy ran her fingers down the brick wall outside of the Double Meat Palace. The memories of Spike flooded Buffy's mind, sending icy chills through her body. She shuddered and recoiled from the wall quickly, leaving to go inside.
"Another day another dollar...." Buffy mumbled numbly to a co-worker, who nodded in agreement. Flipping burgers wasn't what she had planned for her life, especially since she had no one to go home too. She suspected that her life wouldn't be so bad if someone who understood her was at home when she got off work. Then again for all it was worth, Buffy really hadn't planned on killing vampires and demons her whole life either, but she had been doing that for a while. All Buffy wanted was to live a normal life. Buffy stood with an empty, but brilliant, smile on her face as she greeted a customer.
"Welcome to the Double Meat Palace; may I interest you in a Double Meat Burger?" Buffy slapped on her sappiest smile and happiest voice, something she had adjusted to doing every time she was around people, whether she knew them or not.
Without Totally realizing it Buffy had finished her shift, with out taking a break. Mindlessly scrubbing the grease trap, her co-workers asked her about her well being. She waved it off saying she was tired and had a very long day. They nodded in understanding, walking away curious to her real thoughts.
After clocking out, Buffy changed into clothes more suitable for slaying. She wandered through the cemetery silently calling the vampires out to battle. Buffy allowed many thoughts to pass through her mind that she normally forbid. She sat on the top of a garish tombstone allowing the summer scents to pass through the cold night air. Life was easier for Buffy now, after all that had happened. She wasn't as dead as she had once been. Although she cared deeply for Dawn, Willow, Xander, Anya, and Giles. Still, Buffy did not feel that her life was full by any means.
Buffy heard a stirring from behind her. Stealthily Buffy slipped off the tombstone and glimpsed to see who else might be walking through the cemetery at night. A shadowed facade walked towards a cell that had held Buffy captive for too long, the place where she had died; the shadow was going to Spike's crypt.
Buffy ran towards the shadow, trying not to call attention to herself, she wove between the crosses and angels that dotted the city of the dead. Anger fueled her every action, her mind buzzed over the things she could say like dead meat. She wondered if she could restrain herself from killing him, or if she could restrain herself from falling in love with him once more. Unsure of her feelings towards the undead monster, Buffy leaned on the door to wait for his voice. She knew he would begin to curse at the mess she had made when he left.
"Aw Spike! Geeze he never mentioned how much of a slob he was." Buffy curiously opened the door to see Clem picking up the mess she had made earlier.
"Hey Clem." Buffy Smiled. Clem paused in his cleaning.
"Oh Hey Buffy. Sorry the place is a mess, Spike doesn't keep things very clean does he?" Clem began to pick up a shattered Lamp.
"Sorry- It's my mess." Buffy said sheepishly. She began to sweep up the glass up.
'What? I didn't know- Umm..." Clem looked around nervously at the mess. Buffy smiled at his nervousness.
"I trashed it after...." Buffy stopped and her smile faded.
"After what?"
"He Left." Buffy continued to upright various items in the room, as well as tidy various pieces of shattered alcohol bottles she had shattered after emptying. Buffy slid down to the lower level. Anguish flooded Buffy's heart as she found Spike's room as she had left it last. The sheets had been stripped from the bed, the mirror was cracked, and the drawers were all pulled out of the dresser their contents spewed onto the floor. It was then she had learned that Spike had left. She had searched the catacomb for him, every place he might have been, and some places he wouldn't have. He had really left her, like everyone else. Buffy slammed the mirror to the floor.
"What was that?" Clem shouted down to her.
"Something fell." Buffy said with an air of callousness.
"Oh, Well I'm not going down there, don't worry." Clem shook his head. Buffy climbed up the ladder.
"Good. Don't." Buffy Smiled an empty smile. "I'll see ya around, Clem." Buffy decided to go home, and forget all about Spike, and his sudden departure.
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