Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: Dear Sophia
Rating: K
Pairing: None
Summary: Jeff writes to Sophia before his daughter goes to London
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from casualty, any original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.
Dear Sophia,
my little princess, by the time you read this letter you will be in London with your mum. I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know how I feel. If I had any choice in this then you would be staying here with me. I don't want to let you go, but I have to, I have to let you go with your mum. You have a chance at a stable life with your mum, as much as it pains me to admit it, I cannot give you that stability. I have to choose between letting you go and providing for you. My heart fills with sadness at the thought that I won't be able to see you or hug you whenever I want to. I wish that everything had turned out differently between me and your mum, that I could turn back time and do things differently. If I could undo all of my past mistakes then I would do. Adults sometimes do some very silly things, they hurt each other even though they love each other. I know that what is going on with your mum and me has hurt you too, and I'm sorry for that princess. It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself for any of this.
I don't want you to think that I don't love you, I might not be with you, but I still love you. I will always be your dad princess, always, nothing can change that. I want you to remember that, my little princess. My feelings haven't changed for you at all, I fell in love with you from the moment the midwife put you in my arms. I remember the day that you were born as if it was yesterday. You cried as you were wrapped in a soft blanket and were put into my arms, it was loud, very loud. I was happy that you were healthy, that was all I ever wanted. I remember how tiny you were, how much I wanted to protect you and look after you. I was the first person to hold you after you were born, it was in that moment that I realised just how much I'd always wanted a daughter. You were this tiny, pink baby with the cutest nose that I had ever seen. After a while you stopped crying and you just looked at me, I realised that you had my eyes, I just wanted to hold you and never let you go. You are, and always will be beautiful, my little princess.
Sophia, I remember the days at the park where you learned to ride your bike. It was just us, I stayed with you and made sure that you were safe. I remember reading to you as you fell asleep in your bed. I always finished the story even though you were asleep before the end. I wish that I could be there to read to you now. My little princess, Sophia, I wonder what memories you have of me. Have I been a good dad to you? Should I have spent less time at work and more time with you? I started working as a paramedic for you and your brother, I wanted to give you the life that you deserved. I wanted you to have the best, to provide for you in every way that I could. Being a dad changed me in ways that I didn't think that it would. I like to think that I am a better man because of you and John.
I hope you know that you can call me whenever you need to talk to me, I will always be there to talk to you. None of this is your fault, I want you to know that too. Like I said, adults do very silly things, we make mistakes and do things that we're not supposed to. I am sorry for the pain that this has caused you. I'm sorry that I have let you down, I'm sorry that you have to go to London when you don't want to. I wish that I could spare you the pain of all of this. My Sophia, my little princess, it hurts to let you go because I love you so much. My sweetheart, being without you is going to be so very hard.
There are only a few times in my life that I have cried; when your brother was born, when you were born, when you went missing, and now. There is going to be a massive hole in my life when you're in London. I wish that we had more time to spend with each other. I wish that I could work some sort of magic spell and make all of this right. I promised you when you were born, when I held you for the first time, that I would do everything right for you. How did all of this happen? How did it come to this? Sophia, I'm sorry sweetheart, sorry that you're having to go through all of this. My little girl, you'll always be my little girl even when you grow up.
The day you went missing was one of the worst days of my life, the only thought in my head was that someone could have taken you. I had been ready to tear the world apart just to find you. Nothing was more important to me in that moment than finding you safe. I was running out of hope when I saw you sat in the park. I was so very glad that you were all right, I wasn't mad, just relieved. I know why you did it, you hoped that you wouldn't have to go to London. I wish I could grant you that wish Sophia, I wish I could make it so that you could stay here with me. I think I have already said that, it doesn't make it any less true, I wish that I didn't have to let you go princess. I am trying to do the best that I can for you, I hope that I am doing the right thing.
My Sophia, my little princess, I know that you will make me proud of you, that you will be the brave girl that I know you can be. Look after your brother, he will say that he doesn't need looking after, I know he will. He takes after me in that respect. You are still young, but you have a wise head on your shoulders Sophia and I know that you will go far in life. I know that you have dreams and I know that you will achieve them. If anyone is capable of being a success then it is you princess. Whatever you do in life I will be proud of you, you're an intelligent girl and I know that you will make the most of it. Do your best in school, promise me that you will work hard. You have plenty to look forward to as you grow up, don't be in too much of a hurry to grow up though. Enjoy the time that you have as a young girl, go out there and experience everything that you can.
There will come a day when you're all grown up, being an adult can be hard work. I know that one day you will meet someone and fall in love with them. They're going to have to pass my approval first. I know that I will be warning them that they have to treat you right. Anyone that even thinks about hurting you will answer to me. I am not about to let anyone hurt my little girl. Falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world. No matter what anyone tells you, love does not hurt, love is what makes the world feel like a better place. Being with someone that you love and who loves you back is so very worth it. Take your time princess, the right person is worth waiting for. Don't rush any of it, love should grow slowly.
Writing this letter has been so hard, I know that I am going to have to let you go and that saying goodbye to you will be even harder. I am just call away if you need to talk to me, whatever hour of the day it is. Remember that I love you, you'll always be my little princess and I will always be your dad. Sophia, I love you sweetheart, no amount of distance between us will ever change that.
I will admit that I am struggling to find a way to end this letter, goodbye doesn't feel right, it feels too final. I don't want to say goodbye, I can't say goodbye. I have to believe that I will see you again, that you will come and see me when you're older. You're always welcome here princess, always, whenever you decide that you want to come and see me.
I love you, my little princess,
see you soon sweetheart,
Dad.