A/N: So I read a rant that Fromthehillbythelake wrote on Tumblr and wow - I got emotional, oops. But, anyway, I agreed wholeheartedly with what she wrote and there's something she put by the end that made me want to write this and here it is~
REVIEWS are always welcomed (criticism too!).
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi.
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"Eli Goldsworthy would show up late on her doorstep. Eli Goldsworthy would have his jaw set in a stubborn line, pulling out a crinkled scrap of paper blotted with ink and tears. He'd be shuffling and nervous, unsure if he'll ever be good enough for her, but constantly trying to be.
Not just for her this time though…for himself too."
- Fromthehillbythelake
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Of course, he's sweating. Because he doesn't know what he's going to tell her because he wrote her letter at two in the morning and there are ink blots and tear stains and a coffee mark along the rim of the wrinkled piece of paper (which, yes, he almost threw out thinking that, maybe, it was an idiotic idea). But then he remembers that he didn't stop for Fitz and he didn't stop for Adam and he didn't stop for Julia and, most important, he didn't stop for her and that's what counts, isn't it? That he cares for her?
But he's not only doing it for the girl that might or not might answer her texts and door – he's doing it for himself because he needs repentance – because he's a screw-up. Because he knows that she knows that he's an idiot who takes advantage of his state of mind.
He closes his eyes, caressing the paper in his hands, and imagines the future with her. She's smiling at him and he doesn't know if he's smiling at her back, but he knows that in his imaginary world he can feel her hand reach up for his and caress it, saying, "Do you want to talk?" And then he thinks of a life without her and a low laugh escapes his parting lips because what is life without her?
His leg begins to spaz. She's not coming down, he thinks, and he wants to turn around and leave but if he leaves now he won't see her again for the next five years. Or maybe even more. He just knows that he wants to show her that he's dressed in black, wearing his guitar pick necklace, the matching piercing, and he has a copy of Fight Club inside the pocket of his jacket and he –
just wants her to open the door because he needs to see her – hold her, kiss her, hug her, and then let go of her
- But she was taking too long. And although he felt water fall down his cheeks, he wasn't sure if it was raining or not. And, with that in mind, he turned around and began to walk away.
And he swore, that when he was faraway, he could smell her lavender scent, and hear her confused tone, and feel her warmth reaching for him in the distance.