Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: Dear John
Rating: K
Pairing: None
Summary: Jeff writes to John before his son leaves for London.
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.
Dear John,
my son, by the time you get this letter I know that you will be in London and out of my reach. The very thought makes me unhappy, I wish that all of this had turned out differently. I know that you don't want to go to London, I know that you wish you could stay here with me. I wish that you could stay with me too, I am going to miss you. Being apart from you is going to hurt, I know that it will hurt you too. I am sorry that you are being put through all of this, that what is happening between me and your mother is hurting you. I hope that you understand why I have to let you go with your mum. I hope you understand why I have chosen not to fight what is happening. I hope that you're not angry with me John. I chose to let you go because I had to, if I fought against your mum then I risked hurting you and your sister more than you already are. I do not want you to go through any more heartache, I want to spare you as much pain as possible. You and your sister have been through enough.
I've always tried to do my best for you and your sister, this time is no different. You are my priority in all of this, I love you and I want you to have a settled and happy life. I do not think that you could have that life with me. My job as a paramedic means that I have to work different shifts, the money I earn goes towards looking after you and your sister. I have to choose between having you living with me or giving you the life that you deserve. It is the hardest choice that I've ever had to make, please don't think that it was easy for me. I have thought about my decision for a very long time, am I doing the right thing? I hope that I am. I am doing all of this for you. I just wish that I could spare you the separation that you are having to go through right now.
I remember the day that you were born, you took a long time to arrive, I waited impatiently for you to be born so I could hold you in my arms. I didn't know that you were a boy, it was a surprise, I was very happy though. I had always wanted a son, you were very healthy, and I was so proud to become a dad to you. I cried when I held you, my son, my little boy. I remember being happier than I'd ever been when I held you. You were small, all I wanted to do was love you and protect you. I vowed that nobody would ever hurt you. Having you changed my life for the better, I became a dad in an instant. It amazed me how natural it felt holding you in my arms. I feared that I wouldn't know how to hold you properly, but, when it came to it, I just knew. Holding you felt so natural and so easy. Loving you came easy to me as well.
I started training as a paramedic after you were born, I wanted to provide for you, I wanted to give you a decent life. I wanted you to have a dad that you could be proud of. John, are you proud of me? I hope that you are. I will always be your dad, no matter what happens. If you need me then I am only a call away. My love for you and your sister won't ever change. I love you as much now as I did when I held you that first time in that hospital room. The day that you were born is one of the best days of my life, I want you to know that. I also want you to know that my feelings for you won't ever change. The love that I have for you won't go away, you are my son, nobody can take that away from you. I promise you, this separation won't change anything that I feel for you, I want you to know that.
I know that you will be somewhere that I can't hug you or play football with you whenever I want to. Do you remember the times that we played together in the back garden? I do, you had this little net and a small football that we would play with when the weather was nice. I bought you your first football kit not long after we started playing together. I remember you wearing it a lot, it was always a challenge to part you from it so that it could be washed. I used to take you to football matches when you were a bit older, do you remember? We would go together, just you and me, we'd watch the match and I would take you for chips afterwards. We'd smother them in salt and vinegar and eat them outside the stadium before we went home. I am going to miss those days, spending time with you and your sister was always special to me. I hope that it was special for you too.
Look after your sister, I know that she will be upset, you are her big brother and she needs someone to take care of her. Stick together, you will need each other when you are in London. I know that you will take care of your sister, I know that you can do this. Sophia is still young, but with you looking after her I know that she will be all right. John, I know that you are equal to this task, you are my son. I am so proud of you. I want you to do your best at school, work hard and do your homework. You are an intelligent boy John, make the most of it, use the skills that you have. I know that one day you will be a success. Pick a job that you want to do, find something that makes you happy. You will spend a lot of time at work, being happy in your life means being happy in your work. I know that you will do something worthwhile with your life. I hope that one day I will attend your graduation, I know that you're capable of it.
Love, everyone in the world is looking for it, finding it means everything. When you find someone that you love, look after her and be loyal to her. Love isn't easy, it has to be worked at, there will be times when it is hard for you. Don't make the mistakes that I did, love is worth the work that it takes. Sometimes adults do things that are silly, they do make mistakes, I wish that I could go back in time and change the mistakes that I made. I hope that I will love again some day, when I do then I will ask your opinion on the lady I choose. You and your sister will be the most important people in my life no matter who I meet. I won't lie about either of you, I will be honest, you two will always come first. If she cannot accept you both then I do not want her.
Writing this letter has been so hard, it is one of the few times that I have cried. Showing emotion is no doubt seen as something that men shouldn't do. Bottling up how you feel isn't good for anyone, crying isn't soft, it is human. Don't be afraid to show how you feel to people, don't be afraid of needing to be held from time to time. Life can be hard at times, having someone to hold you can make it all better. Find friends that you can trust, good friends make life better when times are hard. Talk to your sister, look after each other through all of this.
I want you to know that you will always be welcome to see me whenever you want to, you will always be welcome to talk to me too. I want to know what you are doing in your life, I want to know of all of your successes. I still want to be a part of your life even though we are so far apart. I will always be your dad, always, nothing can change that. I love you, nothing will change that either. You are my son, I know that you will make me proud just as you have always done. If you need me I want you to call me, whatever time of day it is. I promise you that I will answer you and talk to you. Don't forget that I love you, it is important that you remember that.
See you soon, my son,
Dad.