Dancing on the Edge of Forever
A JAG Story
Written by Matthew R. White
© January 3, 2014
Based on the Characters and series created by Donald P. Bellisario
...
Historian's Note: This story takes place immediately after the episode Fit for Duty written by Darcy Meyers and finishes at the end of the series. This story is an alternate ending to the series and starts to go AU during the episode JAG: San Diego written by Don McGill & Larry Moskowitz.
Author's Note: This story idea came to me while working on my Distant Shores trilogy which I am working concurrently. Like Harm and Mac, the writers in season 10 were not even on the same sheet of music when it came to the H/M relationship, especially after the events depicted in The Four Percent Solution. This story is how I would have finished the series. I stick to canon until the end of the episode Fit for Duty and diverge into AU from there. This universe includes the events depicted in my stories Turning Points, and Never My Love. This is my first AU story for JAG, and as much as I would like to have thrown season 9 out the window, I feel some of the events were necessary to bring Mattie into the storyline. The addition of Mattie's character was a brilliant move on the part of the writers. It allowed them to contrast the actions, and personalities of both Webb and Rabb in the eyes of Mac. Webb, as the secretive, occasionally available, married to the job CIA agent, vs. Harm, the dedicated Navy officer, lawyer, loyal friend, and new family man. When she stands up for Harm in custody battle for Mattie, (her finest moment in the series) it is clear that her heart has already made its choice despite her actions later. In the episode, The Four Percent Solution, Mac stated, "having responsibility for Mattie has caused Harm to grow, in ways I'm proud of," and I believe her assessment is spot on. As I've stated before, the writers had the perfect opportunity to bring the H/M storyline to a fulfilling conclusion and they blew it in favor of writing for a possible spin-off.
...
Chapter 1; Fear and Confusion:
20:30Z
JAG HQ
"Why do you always chose to be alone?"
As the words of Commander McCool echoed in her head, Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie quickly exited the elevator, anxious to put some distance between her and her best friend, Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. Struggling to keep her emotions in check, she swiftly made her way out to the parking lot and jumped into her waiting cherry red Corvette. While she waited for the engine to warm, she watched Harm escort Dr. Elgin to her vehicle.
Dr. Inez Elgin was a former Navy Psychiatrist who was close friends with Lt. Commander Jordan Parker, Harm's former girlfriend. Rabb had met her at Jordan's funeral some years ago and they had formed a friendship based on their shared grief over Jordan's death.
Mac had arrived at the elevator in time to hear Inez telling Harm where she wanted to go to dinner and when Harm invited her to join them, the look on Inez's face clearly stated that three would be considered a crowd and Mac promptly declined. On the way down, Harm had asked once again if she was interested in joining them. Very briefly, she reconsidered, that is until she saw the unmistakable look cast her way by her rival. I'm not going to compete with another woman for his affection; she thought and politely declined, saying, "Three's a crowd." Mac knew that Harm could be a somewhat oblivious when it came to his affect on the opposite sex and she knew him well enough to know he considered Dr. Elgin's invite as just dinner with a friend. She hoped her veiled message would warn him that Inez had other ideas. Watch your six, flyboy!
She watched as the two vehicles left the parking lot on their way to the restaurant, wondering if she had made the right decision. What if he is interested? Mac thought to herself, fighting down another wave of emotions consisting of fear, regret, sadness, abandonment, and a twinge of jealousy. Get a grip, MacKenzie; it's your own fault. He's ready to commit and you keep dragging your feet. Frustrated with herself, she slammed the stick into reverse and whipped out of her parking spot almost sliding into the cars behind her. Properly chastised by the slippery conditions, she proceeded out of the parking lot at a more reasonable pace.
On the way home, Mac considered everything that had happened between her and Harm since she had parted ways with Clayton Webb. True to his promise at the Admiral's Dining Out, Harm had conducted some research about endometriosis and the possible methods of them being able to conceive a child together. Although she was touched by his willingness to fulfill the deal they had made, she was too overwhelmed by everything that had occurred. "Let me come to you," she had told him. Ever the gentleman, Harm gave her space which wasn't really what she wanted either, but she didn't make her wishes known to him.
In October, Harm was approached by Professor Alicia Montez to investigate and possibly reopen a twenty two year old murder case based on new DNA evidence. Montez was attractive, mature and quite brilliant, and Mac suddenly found herself concerned that Harm would get tired of waiting and move on. To add insult to injury, Mac was tasked with defending a Chief Warrant Officer accused of bigamy, and was finding it difficult to maintain her objectivity. With all that was going on in her life, she developed a case of severe insomnia. Unable to sleep for three nights in a row, she found herself at Harm's apartment, only to find him making dinner for Alicia Montez. Stung by the turn of events, she gracefully apologized for interrupting and told him she would call later, a call she would never make. The following day, she visited Dr. Purcell, her gynecologist, to have a follow up for the procedure she had done in May. It was then that she received more heartbreaking news. Her chances of conceiving a child was worse than she was originally told; less than five percent.
Unable to deal with the insomnia, Mac found herself in the office of Lt. Commander Victoria McCool; the psychiatrist she had seen after her run in with Sadik Fahd. She had hoped to get a script for a sleep aid, but McCool knew there were deeper rooted issues causing Mac's insomnia. Despite Mac's resistance, McCool had managed to get to the root of her problems. The session was difficult and just as Mac stood to walk out, McCool asked her a life changing question.
"Why do you always chose to be alone?"
Inside Sarah MacKenzie, the bottled up dam of emotions had burst open and she began to weep.
"What were you feeling just now?" asked Vicky.
"More than I intended," Sarah replied.
"That, Colonel, is grief."
It had taken almost an hour to get to that point. It was then, Sarah opened up about what had happened with Harm. McCool managed to convince her that she just might be misreading what she saw and not to give up on a future with him. That night, after another bout of grief, Sarah was able to sleep and she decided to schedule some more time with Vicky. As much as she hated to admit it, the session had helped her immensely and Sarah began to realize she was carrying far more baggage than she could handle alone and the only way she would ever be able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone, was to face these demons and move beyond them.
Over the next couple of months, Mac and Harm had managed to find some of the camaraderie they had once enjoyed. He didn't mention Professor Montez again and Mac wondered if maybe she did overreact. When she learned that Colonel Gordon Cresswell was being considered as the new JAG Mac confided her fears to Harm. Cresswell knew about her involvement with John Farrow back in Okinawa and she was concerned he would hold it against her. To her relief, Cresswell cleared the air stating that she had been the junior officer and he did not hold her responsible.
After her automobile accident on Christmas Eve, Mac and Harm had taken steps to rebuild their relationship to a level of closeness they had not enjoyed since aftermath of the incident they both referred to as Paraguay. Harm had spent the Christmas weekend with her and she found out that her fears about Alicia were unfounded. That night when she had stopped by, Harm was helping her finish her notes on the Wainwright case. She had planned to use it as a teaching case next semester.
After the kiss they had shared on the dance floor at the New Year's Eve Ball, Mac had been sure they were, at the very least, on the same sheet of music, even if not quite on the same measure but a busy schedule at JAG would keep them from spending a lot of time together.
When the holiday's had ended, Harm had to go TAD to China Lake to investigate a crash of an experimental F-14 and while he was away, Mac had been tasked to handle the backlog of cases. The following week, they both drew a welcome TAD to Florida, but with Petty Officer Coates accompanying them; they needed to keep a discrete distance. The fact that they were on opposite sides of the same case only complicated matters. As a result, they didn't spend any personal time together, save one evening before they returned to JAG.
The day after they returned, Mac caught a chill and came down with a bad case of the flu; she spent the next week and a half in bed barely able to move, much less take care of herself. Unwilling to leave her unattended, Harm spent most of that time nursing her back to health. Harm had enlisted the help of Mac's next door neighbor to check on her while he was at work and had managed to get away from the office early on a few occasions. (Harm had joked with her about the General being a big softie at heart.) Despite being pampered, Mac had been too sick to really enjoy his company, but her heart had been warmed beyond words by his concern for her well being. While she was convalescing, they had made plans to go out for Valentine's Day, a first for both of them.
A few days after returning to duty, Harm and Mac were sent back to Afghanistan to represent a rogue Marine Colonel accused of murdering civilians. The trip through the countryside had brought back memories of a happier time between them and Mac had found herself wishing they did not have a guide who was an unknowing chaperone.
As Mac pulled into her driveway, she considered the events of the past week. The case had been stressful on her, in more ways than one. After a JAG-MAN investigation, Commander Lucy Maron had been charged with dereliction of duty for sending a Marine back into combat before he was fit, an action which resulted in his death. Having worked so hard to succeed herself, Mac always took a hard line when a woman fell short of the mark. The fact that Commander Maron was a shrink only added fuel to the fire, despite the fact that Mac was still seeing Commander McCool. Making matters worse, Harm had taken Maron's side in the investigation and was subsequently assigned to defend her.
Mac pushed her thoughts aside while she checked her mail and made her way to her apartment. Once inside, she hung her coat and padded into the bedroom to get comfortable. Dressed in sweats, with her hair let down, she made her way to the kitchen to put on water for tea. She was somewhat hungry, but she decided to wait a while before making dinner. Maybe I'll drive out and grab a Beltway Burger, she thought to herself. I really wanted to have dinner with Harm. Once again, she wondered if she had acted in haste by refusing his invitation.
She knew that the trial had been stressful on him as well and she had hoped to put it behind them before they went out tomorrow evening. Some years ago, they had made a pact to clear the air after the verdict in the event they found themselves on opposite sides of a trial. As with all his clients, Harm had zealously defended Commander Maron and Mac would expect no less of him, but the subject had been a little too close to home for her. That, along with thought of him romancing, or being lured into romance by another woman weighed heavily on her mind.
The ringing of her phone drew her attention back to the present. Good, a distraction, she thought as she reached for the receiver.
"MacKenzie."
"Sarah, how are you?"
Mac's face broke into a wide smile as she recognized the voice, "Trish, it's good to hear from you. I'm okay, how are you, and how's Frank?"
"We're both fine, dear. Frank and I just got in from our trip to Europe. How are you feeling, Harm told me you had come down with a bad case of the flu, are you better now?"
"Much better, thanks for asking. Were you looking to speak to him?"
"Eventually, right now, I'd rather catch up with you. We haven't spoken since Christmas. I assume you recovered from the accident?"
"I was lucky, Trish. The car I was driving was totaled but I walked away with just an airbag bruise. When Harm and I saw the wreck a few days later we were shocked. Part of the engine had come through the firewall. Seeing the damage shook both of us," said Mac. "Harm isn't here, Trish. Did you try his cell phone?"
"I did, just before I called you. I couldn't reach him at home either."
"He's probably still at dinner with Inez," said Mac, unable to hide the hurt in her voice.
"Oh," began Trish. "What brought this on? Did you and Harm have a fight?"
"Oh, nothing like that," Mac said, clarifying the facts. "In fact, Harm asked me to join them."
"Is that all of it," asked Trish. "From the sound of your voice I'd have sworn that you were upset about it."
Over the past few months, Sarah had established a relationship with the woman who might one day be her mother in-law and soon learned that Trish was a very perceptive person who would know right away if someone wasn't being forthright with her. Not wanting to ruin the rapport they had, Mac told her the whole story.
"I can see why you're upset," said Trish, after Mac had filled in the details, "but if I may be so bold, I think you should have accepted Harm's offer. It would have let this woman know she was poaching."
"If Harm and I had that kind of relationship, I would have seriously considered it, but the truth is, I don't have any hold on him, besides, two women fighting over a man seems so degrading. I'm sorry, Trish, I know he's your son, but…"
"Don't apologize, Sarah. As intelligent as my son is, he can be frustratingly obtuse when it comes to social grace. His father was the same way. And you're absolutely right. Fighting over any man is degrading, and Harm should have had more consideration for your feelings. I raised him better than that, especially since his own feelings for you are so strong."
Mac felt her breath catch, "What do you mean about his feelings for me?" she asked quietly.
"Surely, you must know, Sarah?"
"I know he cares for me, he's told me as much but…"
Sarah heard Trish sigh over the phone. "His feelings for you go much deeper than that, darling." she said. "Harmon is very much in love with you, Sarah, and he has been for a very long time."
Mac felt her heart racing as a tingling sensation enveloped her. Feeling lightheaded, she sat down on the couch. "He's in love with me," she asked, in a voice barely over a whisper. "How long have you known?"
"Since the two of you returned from Russia," replied Trish. "While you and Frank were barbecuing on the deck, Harm pulled me aside and told me he had fallen in love with you. It's my understanding that he finally gave you the set of pearls which belonged to Grams."
"He gave them to me on New Year's Eve," Sarah, offered, still in shock from what she had been told. He's in love with me.
"I'm told he needed to persuade you to accept the gift…"
"He's in love with me," Sarah said aloud, oblivious to what Trish had been saying.
"Yes, Sarah, you can believe it. He is in love with you," replied Trish in a gentle voice.
"Why…why hasn't he been able to tell me?
"He has probably tried, at least in some respect. I suppose it has something to do with losing his father so young. You see, Sarah, my son has always had difficulty verbalizing what he feels, in fact, he is much more expressive by the things he does, rather than what he says."
In the span of a few seconds, Sarah recalled some of the most frustrating conversations she had played out with Harm over the years.
...
"You know better than that. Answer my question. What is your plan other than to take a train to Beloyka? You're being driven by emotions and those emotions are gonna get us killed."
"You can quit. I can't. My father is out there somewhere and I'm gonna find him."
"Or die trying."
"Or die trying. But you shouldn't. You've come with me farther than anyone I know. I'll never forget that, Mac."
...
"You know, they wrote eternity on this bridge."
"Is that how long we're going to wait?"
...
"You always have someone who loves you."
"And you have someone who loves you."
...
"I thought we were going to talk about us?"
"Us! There is no us. There's you and Renee."
...
"Okay, I have a question for you. You resign your commission and you travel 5000 miles to find me and damn near get killed. Well riddle me this, flyboy, why?"
"I think you know why."
...
"Are you trying to push me into Clay's arms?"
"If you're in love with him, it doesn't matter what I think."
...
All at once, the misunderstood conversations and misconstrued actions were cast in a different light. He's been telling me all along…and I've been so incredibly blind.
"Sarah, are you still there?"
Suddenly knocked out of her reverie, she replied, "I'm sorry, Trish, I was just thinking…how could I not have seen this?"
"My dear," began Trish, "you're not the first person to be blinded by love."
...
Across town, at a fancy steakhouse, Harm and Inez had just finished their meal and were looking over the dessert menu. Their conversation over dinner had been mostly shared memories about Jordan and shop talk, nothing that could be construed as romantic. This had set Harm at ease, having heard Mac's hidden message, loud and clear. Watch your six, flyboy. He would tease her about it later. Assuming she's not angry with me.
"So Harm, the chocolate mousse looks delicious," Inez quipped suggestively. "We could share."
Harm considered sharing dessert an intimate gesture which was something he now only did with Mac. Suddenly he began to feel uncomfortable.
"You know, it does look good," Harm began, hoping not to sound unfriendly, "but I think I'm just going to have coffee."
"Too bad, you don't know what you are missing," she replied.
When they were finished, Harm signaled the waitress for the check. While they waited for his card to be processed, Inez asked, "Do you have any plans for tomorrow evening?"
"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day," replied Harm.
"That doesn't make the question irrelevant, counselor."
"True," he offered, along with his trademark flyboy smile. "But, I do have plans for the evening."
Her expression didn't change, although Harm could see disappointment in her eyes.
"I'm sorry; I guess I was assuming you didn't have anyone special in your life. Will you be in trouble if you're seen with me?"
"Don't worry, Inez, she knows where I am."
Inez looked at him questioningly when all of a sudden her eyes flew open in astonishment.
"It's Colonel MacKenzie, isn't it?"
"Yeah," said Harm, nodding.
"Harm, you should have told me she was your girlfriend…"
"Mac isn't my girlfriend, well, at least not yet."
Inez looked away, seemingly lost in thought. A few moments later she offered, "I was incredibly rude to her, Harm."
"How so," he asked. Obviously something had passed between them that he had missed.
"Oh Harm, women can be incredibly catty at times. I'm surprised you don't know that. I'll have to call her tomorrow to apologize."
"Inez, don't make a big deal over it…"
"If it were anyone but you, I wouldn't care, but I consider your friendship too important to place in jeopardy. Please tell her I will call tomorrow."
"I will," replied Harm. "Now I have a favor to ask of you."
"Name it."
"Mac and I haven't hidden the fact that we are seeing each other, but we're not flaunting it either…"
"Got it, mum's the word."
Harm escorted Inez to her car. As she reached for her keys she turned back to Harm, "I hope the Colonel knows just how lucky she is. If things don't work out between you two, give me a call." A moment later she added, "Thanks for dinner."
"You're welcome," Harm offered. Once she was safely in her vehicle and on the road, he climbed into his SUV intent on stopping by to see Mac.