2014 UPDATE: Some offensive slurs in this story were very cringeworthy, so I took them out and replaced them with way better jokes. Enjoy!
Author's Note:
Who DOESN'T love my beautiful writing? So I wrote some more. Love it, please. Also, review it because I know I'm the best fanfic writer on this stupid site so, yeah, like, review it please. Or something. Thanks in advance.
Even though technically there is always a Steam interface running on some certain computer at some time in the universe that is currently playing Team Fortress 2, we're going to pretend that it is possible for our dear protagonists, the RED team, to have a ceasefire. Even though they are fictional characters that one can always access through a man-made interface.
Also, screw BLUs. They don't get a ceasefire. Because they're gay. And they all have a big fat gay in their pants because they are so homo-romo-tomo.
BUT ANYWAYS RED GETS A CEASEFIRE YAYYY!~
So they're all just got up and are prancing around in the kitchen. No one really belongs there, except for probably Pyro because Pyro's a pussy who likes lighting things on fire. Also, it's canon to say that she's a girl and due to the fact that I am submitting this story to a fanfiction site full of horny girls and gay furries, I should stick to canon. After all, I'm only trying to please the public here because that's totally the point of squeezing inspiration from writers about unpopular hat-themed video games that have declined in popularity since their creation.
So anyways, Pyro's a girl. It's canon. Leave me alone.
Also, Scout belongs in the kitchen too because I hate him for talking like an idiot and insulting everyone. That faggot. He should go die because whenever I have a killstreak and then a Medic helps me go uber and then some Scout is, like, typing shit in the chat log about how I fail at getting uber because...because he's a jealous little prick, he is. WELL, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT I RAN INTO A FUCKING WALL WHILE I WAS FUCKING UBER, OKAY? SHUT THE FUCK UP COOL_KID_677! FUCK YOU AND YOUR SAGGY BALLS! But since then I can't look at a Scout without making fun of the fact that he's a stupid virgin who probably pisses his pants every time he doesn't get uber from Medic because Medic hates him. Medic is the coolest psychopath on the whole team. He's okay for a sadist that looks at people as hunks of flesh that are fit to be ripped open and examined on a medical table that has not been cleaned for, what, 32 years. I'm making up numbers so that I sound direct and focused as I write this fanfiction because all the sexiest fanfictions on here always are very direct. My friend told me the other day that I can't write fanfiction, so suck it, Sam! I hate you! I'm writing a fanfiction right NOW! And it's going to be the best fanfic ever! It already is! Ha!
Anyways, Scout is just sitting at the table with a yo-yo. He really sucks at yo-yo because damn Scouts can't do anything right. "Dudes," Scout moans like a whiny bastard. "I'm sooo bored, you guys. What'cha wanna do?"
Spy snorts and says, "Your mother," because everyone hates Scout. Also, he really did do Scout's mother. Last night. Up the butt. Bow-chicka-wow-wowww. Unf boom boom. Ka-ching. Crash. Pow. Sniff sniff. Woof woof. Meow. Are you horny yet?
"Aww, screw you," Scout mutters. No one hears him because the severe pain of Spy's epic diss pwnage is still echoing across the room.
Everyone on the team laughs except for Engineer. You see, Engineer is having a tough time because little Sarah back home caught a cold and he can't stop thinking about his beloved daughter. And when the whole team is laughing he loses focus on trying to talk to the fellow idiots on his team. Instead, he figures he should see if he could go home to Sara and help her feel better. He's such a kawaii father, isn't he? I wish I had Engy for a father. Because then one day we might go swimming together and I can stare at his muscly man-boobs for hours as they're splashing against the water. Mm, mm, incest is delicious!
But no one actually listens, or cares, about Engineer's opinion because Engineer isn't some douchebag that makes a big deal whenever he talks. He's so shy and sugoi and uke that he just says stuff really quietly. For example, he just said, "My daughter's a bit sick, whadday'all say 'bout goin' out West to see 'er?" Of course, no one heard him.
Ha ha, poor Engy.
"I thinking, maybe team go get some good food for once?" Heavy suggested with his goddamn accent because he's a Russian foreigner.
And then the Medic leans really close to him and coos, "Ja, and vell...maybe I can get you zome...German Sausage! Ooh hoo hoo hoo!" and then he winks and nudges
Heavy really really flirtily right on his fat roll and then the Heavy laughs and everyone in the room just kind of stands there like, "what de heck do we do now lol" because even though Medic is constantly hitting on Heavy all the team basically does is stand there like a bunch of morons who are oblivious to the fact that there are two obvious faggots on their team.
Except for Sniper.
Sniper's the perv.
(It's canon. Leave me alone.)
"Oi, but tha's only if I ge' me some good ol'...FRENCH VANILLAAAAA!" he shouts and then he raises his eyebrows multiple times at the Spy who turns away and chuckles and his arm does a gay flick thing and he goes all French-like, "On hon hon, not now, mon amour!"
And because the room gets a really really gay atmosphere, Scout starts feeling ill. He covers his ears with his hands and screams, "FAGGOT ALERT! FAGGOT ALERT! RED FAGS ARE IN THE BASE!" Oh god, hold me. I'm laughing too hard. I don't know how I'm going to type up the rest of this fic because I'm having a laughing fit on my keyboard and I'm jizzing in my pants so hard right now. So damn hard. All the while Soldier is just staring at Engy the entire time thinking of a good reason he can pull out his Disciplinary Action and start whipping him. Mmmmm. Feisty.
Overall, it was quite the scene.
Notice how I didn't mention Demoman. Seeing that I probably need an excuse for this and I don't feel like going back and typing in some random dialogues that can be strung with the original concept of the effortless, badly-planned jokes, I'm going to simply state that he is most likely passed out somewhere after a night of Scrumpy and the wonderful girlfriend he named Handy.
After the previous passage you can clearly see that RED team isn't gay and BLU team is a bunch of faggots that I hate! I never play BLU because BLU have to defense, defense, defense like a bunch of broken condoms because they always always fail at life and they keep dying on the floor like a bunch of faggot pussies that I hate because I hate them. Stupid BLU pussies. They're all a bunch of BLU waffle faggots that have bungholes for mouths and the BLU Spy is the only cool one there because in most fics it is canon that he rapes people and even though it is gay of him to do so I think it's badass that he gets to rape people because one time I was trying to rape my friend but she wouldn't listen and then she ran away. So I know that it takes a hella lotta balls to rape someone and BLU Spy is a badass. But, yeah, everyone on the BLU team are a bunch of gay-ass titwhore fags bitches that I hate! Screw you BLU!
Scout gets an idea because once in a while even the dusty cogs in his brain have to activate to work. Usually all his mind is used for is coming up with good disses and comebacks for whenever someone insults his mommy or his dick size. Which is undeniably tiny. Just sayin'.
He is currently stuffing his mouth with pancakes because it's not a fetish of mine.
"PEEBLE! I HAB EN EEDEYUH!" he shouts as the pancake bits fly out of his mouth all sexy-like. "LED'S GO TU DIDNEY WORL!"
Soldier's just casually standing there in the corner, fondling his disciplinary action as he lays his angry eyes on the Scout. "What are you saying? Chew your food and THEN attempt a sentence next time!" Soldier scowls. I don't really understand that, but some authors often do that - sometimes dialogue is followed by the expression on his face. Like, for example, how the flying fuck does someone 'smile' the word "Hello"? What the shit? Since when does sound come out of someone's fucking mouth when they make a facial expression? What if I just smirk one day at school and my voice just goes "Fuck you!" What the heck happens then? I'd be like, 'No, principal! I didn't say "Fuck you", I smirked it!' That makes no freaking sense! Dear god. "He asked if we can go to Disney World," Spy said in case you, the reader, is too lazy to decipher Scout's sentence that I chose to spice up with disturbing use of grammar. "And I believe we should vote on zat."
"We better vote quick, before damn Red on the side here starts crying due to the SEEE-VERE CAPITALISM OF THE VOTING RIGHT!" Soldier suddenly shouted at Heavy because Soldier has unresolved issues with his family or something. I'm going to make you feel bad by saying something about his parents never loving him so I can have more opportunities to reference a site with a bunch of American insults towards Communists during the Cold War. It's just so in-character for the Soldier, okay? I couldn't resist.
But the Heavy is obviously confused because he just stands there looking like 'da hell did I do wrong.' But I know what he did wrong. He was born! Because I hate Russians even though I am Russian and I think that the Americans were right in the Cold War and all Russians should burn instead of live because even though it was Vladmir Lenin that really fired up the shit and pressed Reagan's buttons but still all Russians should rot in a burning hell full of beautiful American government and anti-Russian-ness. NO BORSCH FOR YOU, COMRADES!
"I VOTE BECAUSE I CANNNNN VOTE AND BECAUSE MYYYYY SILLY LEADER IS NOT A PIECE OF SHIT THAT COLLECTS A BUNCH OF SHIT-COVERED RUSSKIE BOMBS BEHIND THAT GODDAMN IRON CONDOM OF A CURTAIN - " See, the Soldier is obviously smart because he is dissing Heavy so damn hard. YEAH, SUCK MY AMERICAN COCK, YOU FUCKING...YOU FUCKING, UH, COMMIE! Damnit, my list was only two words long. And everyone else voted but the Heavy because he was too busy grinding his Russian fists of steel into Soldier's stupid face. (Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hAAA-AAHA-HA-AHA! I read that in an Engineer's voice because one of his lines go 'I'm gonna blow that dumb look right off yer stupid faaccee~', and I am going to be in denial about the fact that he is going to BLOW the look off of it because he doesn't mean deepthroating their cock until their facial structure changes from a stupid face to a smirk. And maybe when they smirk they'll smirk "Fuck you!" and then Engineer will end up just blowing off the stupid face with a Frontier Justice or some other redneck shit of his. I mean I seriously don't know how anyone can stand talking to the Engineer because even though he can built artilerry from scratch using only his own blueprints and set supplies he got from the floor he is obviously a dumb redneck who talks like he's from Texas and everyone is a yokel if they're from Texas because that's just how it is and you can friggin' deal with it if you have a problem with my opinion because this is MY fanfiction and you are reading MY words that I typed up on MY Notepad on MY Windows XP and if you think my operating system is old then you can go fuck a seal because Windows XP has some badass shit in it like Paint, and you can do a thing in Paint so it looks like a spray can and DUDE that's fucking AWESOME but whenever I do it as my Facebook cover people laugh at me and call it gay and I get really really mad and I start to call their mother stupid on Facebook comments and then I delete them from my friends list because I hate them and they're stupid. I would smirk "Fuck you" at them any day because if they have a problem with my Facebook cover that's none of my fucking business because when my mom saw it she said, and I quote, "It looks super cool, honey!" and if Engy was my father he would go, "Hooooo-wee! Ain't that a beauty!" because oh my god even if he is a stupid Texan who is a mathematical genius he is sure one hell of a sexy son of a bitch because I still daydream in Social Studies class about going swimming with him so maybe I can see his swimsuit boxers hike up and stare at his pudgy hairy muscly ass for hours as we swim in the sexy water.
So then they go to Disney World and it is fun and at the end they all don't have gay sex because they're not the BLU team.
Also, Engineer goes swimming with everyone in the waterpark part and Soldier sees Engy's boxers hike up and so he stares at his pudgy hairy muscly ass for hours as they swim in the sexy water.
Yeah, it was buckets of fun.
The end!
TOLD YOU I COULD WRITE FICS, SAM! FUCK YOU, SAM! I HATE YOU! Also, if you're reading this, Cool_Kid_677, you're a pair of saggy balls and I hope you shove a watermelon up your bunghole, you big fat ugh. I beat your killstreak once, but that was two years ago, but still HA in your face.
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