I'm Sorry, a supernatural fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural (wish I did) this is wincest and includes self-harm and drug use.

Please enjoy...

Sam was always upset and jealous that his father didn't seem to love him as much as Dean. That he did not have the approval to live his life how he wanted. Sam felt useless. And all of his life he has, he never told Dean-who he has gotten closer to than just a brother. They were lovers too; told each other everything. However, this was Sam's burden. Sam hated it when he disappointed Dean, or hurt him. When he did, all the sadness seeing Dean that way, and he'd be angry that he would do that to Dean, so Sam hid that inside him too. Practically everything, besides Jess's death, Sam kept bottled up. He lasted a while; Sam had so many things hidden from Dean. He was staying stable until now the worst fight they have had in, Sam's mind.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, it was the heat of the moment," Dean said trying to reach out to Sam.

"No Dean you're right, it's my fault if I wasn't born, Mom, she wouldn't have died," Sam said close to tears, he always thought that to himself but he knew Dean would never say that to him, but Dean did.
"Sammy don't say that."
" You just did Dean! You're right!" Sam yelled, tears pouring out of his eyes. Sam was frustrated, he couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed something of the nightstand and Dean couldn't see what it was. Then Sam locked himself in the bathroom.

"Sam open the door."
Silence.
"Sammy?"
Quiet.
"Sam open the door!"
" No," was the only answer.

Dean went over to see what Sam had taken from the nightstand; the nightstand looked the same. Then it hit Dean, the small hunting knife was taken, Dean understood what Sam was doing. Dean prayed that Sam didn't finish anything. Dean ran to the bathroom door again, "Sam, please don't be doing what I think you're doing. Please stop Sammy," he begged. There was no answer. "No don't be dead please Sammy." Dean kicked open the door to find Sam, not dead, but sitting in the tub. He was cradling his arm holding it with his other; crying silently. Dean went into the tub and sat across of Sam, of course being in a tub it was a tight squeeze. A really tight squeeze because of their size. Dean took Sam's forearm seeing that he had made many cuts and they were deep. Dean grabbed a towel and pressed it down on Sam's forearm. Their first aid was next to the tub he put gauze pads over Sam's cuts and taped them down. Dean believes this is his fault, for saying it was Sam's fault their mom died. Dean started to weep for he did not want to hurt Sam, his little Sammy.

"Sammy, how could you do this to yourself?" Dean asked with his voice stuck in his throat.

"Because De, I can't take this anymore. All of my life it has been either my fault or I am not good enough. Or I hurt someone, and I never make anyone proud. And I finally had enough knowing that, so I'm doing what I deserve," Sam answered, and only then did Dean realize that Sam still had the knife, and now was clutching it. "I have no reason of existing," Sam whispered.

He had the knife moving it to his neck, but Dean was faster the Sam, took the knife and threw it to the other side of the bathroom and was on top of Sam with his lips on Sam's.
" Don't you ever say that again. It is not true, none of that is your fault. And you do have a reason; you have me. Like how I have you. You aren't leaving me now Sammy," Dean spoke with his hand moving Sam's hair out of Sam's face. He kissed him again. Dean sat up, but Sam followed and cradled into Dean. He did not want to be away from Dean; Sam did not want to be alone.

"Don't leave me Dean," Sam whispered.
" I never will Sammy, promise me you won't either. You'll come and talked to me when you're feeling down, won't you Sam?" Dean asked. Sam nodded into Dean's chest.
" I promise Dean," Sam whispered.
" Come on let's get out of the tub," Dean said.
"Ok," Sam said his eyes still red and puffy.
They left the bathroom and went into the main room of their hotel room, and they sat on the bed. Dean resting against the headboard; Sam leaning on Dean in between his legs, his head on Dean's chest. Sam listened to Dean's steady heartbeat, for the sound made Sam have something to hold on to keep him sane. He listened to his older brother's steady breathing. He snuggled in closer to Dean; Dean wrapped his arms tighter around his little brother. Sam's breathing became steady, and soon his heart rate too. Dean noticed this and kissed the top of his younger brother's head.
" I love you Sammy."
" I love you too Dean," Sam said muffled by Dean's chest. Soon Sam fell asleep, only to have nightmares, but had a calm expression on his face, so Dean did not know. When Sam woke up the next morning, he found Dean still asleep around him, he looked at the clock, he slept till noon. All he dreamt was nightmares. He stayed in Dean's arms for another two hour then Dean woke up. Dean smiled.
" Mornin' Sammy," Dean mumbled.
"Not really morning," Sam said softly-for he was still upset about last night.

Later on, they went to a bar, drinking many beers, well, Sam only had two Dean had more. Sam got up; Dean frowned. "Restroom Dean," Sam said. Dean nodded, and Sam left for the restroom. He met a man in the restroom.
" Feeling down?" the man asked, he had a strange feel, not the supernatural kind.
"You don't even know," Sam answered.
" I might have something you want then," the man said getting something out of his pocket placing it into Sam's hand, before Sam knew what it was.

Then Sam opened his hand, only to find a small plastic bag holding some white powder; it was drugs. Little Sammy was exposed to drugs. He did not know what to do. He did not understand how it was he, who got them. Sam was still upset about the previous night. Maybe now he could be happy, even if it was fake happiness. "Here," the man said giving him another bag, "you don't need to pay for any of it, just be happy." The man then left the rest room, and Sam thought a little. He wanted happiness, he put some out in his hand a sniffed it. The powder burned his nose, his eyes got watery. He held his nose in his hand. His eyes shut tight. He put the rest in his pocket. Then the pain turned into wonderful bliss. Sam felt good, he felt like he was flying. He went out of the bathroom and sat next to Dean smiling.
" Well you seem happier," Dean said smirking.
" Much happier," Sam said. Soon they paid for the beers and left the bar going to the hotel room. Once inside the room, Sam started to make out with Dean. Dean being drunk allowed; however, if he was sober he would have realize that little Sammy was off. Sam didn't really act like this; once in a blue moon-and the moon was not blue this night. Dean was smarter than people give him credit for, he would have known that this was not really his little Sammy. He would be able to tell that something is wrong. Why he seems stupid with Sam and knowing his feelings is that it is not that he does not know, but rather that he does not do anything about it until it is very bad. However, this time being drunk he did not realize that this Sammy, that Sam's action, was very bad.

Waking up the next morning, in their pants, not their shirts, Dean had a nasty hangover, and for Sam he had a craving for the drugs he got. He went to the bathroom, Dean still in the bed rubbing his head, and took the baggy out of his pocket. He shook his head disapprovingly at himself; he snorted some anyways. Holding his nose waiting for the pain to stop and turn into bliss.
The high came not to long afterwards.
He walked back into the bedroom to the hung-over Dean. Seeing Dean his heart filled up with love and compassion. He laid over Dean and started to hickey his neck. "No Sammy not now," Dean said pushing Sam away rubbing his head more with the heels of his hands. Sam pouted sitting up, swaying for he could not steady himself, not that he knew he was swaying. He was off, Dean looked at him oddly, "Sammy," he said in a more stick tone. Jokingly Sam repeated what Dean said, he became a copycat. "Not funny Sam don't repeat me," Dean said strictly.
" Not funny Sam, don't repeat me," Sam said with a serious face, but then broke out into a fit of laughter. Dean knew this was not his Sammy. He pinned Sam down on the bed, Sam being high could not fight against Dean; he thought that they were going to have some fun. Dean started to pat down Sam's pants. He got down to Sam's feet not finding anything, coming back up he felt something in Sam's pocket, he took it out and Sam only said, "Want some?"

Dean got off Sam to check the bathroom only to find another small baggy that Sam forgot to put back into his pocket. Dean came back, his expression surprised mixed with confusion and sadness. Sam would have been heartbroken, instead he laughed. "Why, Sammy?" Dean asked but he knew it was no use. Tears began to fall, how he was not able to protect Sam from this, he failed on Sam big time. Dean waited forever for Sam to go back to normal. Leaving Sam locked in the hotel room. He went to get some more food, when he came back two hours later to find Sam asleep on the bed. Dean sat at the end of the bed; Sam felt the bed move and he woke up. "Dean?" Sam asked. "Yeah," Dean muttered. "What happened?" Sam asked rubbing his head, he knew well what he had done, but not weather Dean was there or not. Therefore, he did not know that Dean knew he had taken the drugs. Sam's head bothered him a little, and all the pain and guilt he has had came back to him like a knife. He wanted happiness back again.
"Some stuff," was Dean's only answer. Not being able to pay much attention because of his head hurting, for when it did before he slept, now Dean is here he can't.
" I have to go to the bathroom," Sam said standing up. He went in there and came right out with a frown.
" Something wrong Sammy?" Dean asked.
" Yeah, can't find something," Sam answered putting his hand into his pocket, only to find nothing and his expression just got more confused.
" You mean these?" Dean said holding the baggies next to his face frowning. Sam looked away.
"Dean..."
"No don't say it. I thought you promised that you would come to me when something was bad! I'm glad you remember that too." Dean rolled his eyes slightly.
"I didn't mean to do this," Sam whispered, "I can stop."
"Good I want you too, but if this is the second time you wanted it, I think your fine" Dean said but Sam coughed.
"Third time..."
"Damnit Sam. When did this start?"
"At the bar, when I said that I had to go to the bathroom, a guy in there gave me some there. And then I, I'm an idiot."
"Why did you take it?"
"Because I deserve some happiness even if it is fake, right?"
"Sammy," Dean said quietly pulling Sam into a hug, "I'm sorry, don't worry we'll get through this."
"Thanks Dean" Sam said into Dean's shoulder. They pulled away from their hug; Dean didn't know that Sam had taken the drugs from his pocket. "I still have to pee though," Sam said with a smiling.
"Ok," Dean laughed, and Sam went into the bathroom. After waiting a few seconds, he flushed the toilet and put the powder on the counter. He snorted some of it, then he came out of the bathroom holding his nose.
"Sam," Dean said sadly frowning.
"I'm sorry Dean," Sam said with a tear falling from his eye. Soon Sam's mood changed and he smiled. He walked closer to Dean.
"No Sammy," Dean said as though it was an order. However, saying that hurt him, he did want to kiss Sam. Dean wanted to throw Sam on to the bed and rip his clothes off him. To kiss Sam's chest to find his way to Sam's mouth, to shove his tongues into Sam's mouth. Sam didn't listen to the order, he came a little closer to Dean, their chest an inch away from the other's. Dean couldn't take it. "I'm sorry Sammy," was all he said, and then he threw Sam on to the bed. He took Sam's shirt off and both of the belts; he tied Sam's arms to the headboard with the belts. He got two more belts from the drawer and tied Sam's leg to the end of the bed. He straddled his little brother and started to hickey Sam's neck. He heard the high Sam moan. Dean slightly regretted this, but he did know that since Sam was tied up he could not leave and do something stupid. Dean kissed Sam softly. Then Dean started to kiss Sam's chest everywhere, letting his tongue linger as well. He pulled away shaking his head no.
Dean got off Sam and went into the bathroom, Dean turned on the water and slipped out of his jeans and boxers and stepped into the shower. He stayed in there for a couple of hours.
He hid in the bathroom. Once it was noon, he came out to find a sleeping Sam tied to the bed; he sighed. Dean waited longer for Sam to wake up.

Eventually Sam did.

"What the-... How did I get here?" Sam asked. Dean cleared his throat uneasily.
"Um, well first you wanted to umm do it. I resisted as long as I could, so I just aaaa tied you up on the bed," Dean answered. Sam's face was red.
"Oh," was all he could say. Then Sam looked down and he whispered, "I kind of taken the drugs from your pocket, Dean."
"Sammy!" Dean said a little pissed, even though he knew Sam had.
"I'm sorry!" Sam yelled slightly, Dean could hear the regret in Sam's voice for taking the drugs.
"It's ok Sammy," Dean said calming down. He started to untie Sam's legs free from the bed, then Sam's arms. He sat down cradling Sam in his arms. Sam put his head on his big brother's shoulder.
"My arms are sore," Sam said lightly.
"I would expect they would be! Although, I shall have to remember that next time-then you'll be completely mine," Dean joked but whispered the last part into Sam's ear with a smirk. Sam laughed a little.
Sam started to get up off Dean and headed to the bathroom. Dean followed.
"Dean?"
"Just making sure you are taking a leak."
Sam shook his head and smiled; he walked over to Dean and kissed him lightly. Once again got the drugs from Dean's pocket-well the other bag. He showed Dean the two bags.
"Sam," Dean said in his alarmed voice. Sam put out his hand to stop Dean and he shook his head "no." Dean looked at Sam confused. Sam dumped out the drugs into the toilet, then the bag he dropped in as well. He flushed the toilet.
"First step, knowing you have a problem. And I'm going to stop, even if it has only been a short amount of time," Sam said.
Dean walked over to Sam and hugged him, "I'm proud of you man." Sam smiled. Dean gently kissed Sam.

A day later, Sam realizes that getting rid of everything seemed like a mistake.

Three days past and Dean finds Sam on the bathroom floor unconscious.

Overdose.

Dean took Sam to the hospital.

Two more days passed; all Dean did was wait.
And he cried, and he held Sam's hand never letting go. He did not sleep; he waited.
This should not have happened. Dean blamed himself. Thinking he should have protected him, watched over him. Save him.
But no; in his mind
he failed.

Another day passed; nothing happened.

Day four: Sam's eyes opened a little, but they showed no light. Dean kissed Sam; Sam squeezed Dean's hand. "I'm sorry," was all Sam could say. Dean said it too.

Sam closed his eyes.
Dean felt Sam's hand let go.
The machines rang.
The doctors could do nothing.

Sam was gone...

Dean was alone...

He was broken.

No demon would let Dean take Sam's place. No angle would help; they say Sam's not worth saving. So he buried his brother. He wept for many days in front of the little gravestone.

Dean was on his next hunt; he barely tried. He didn't care what would happen to him.

He knew what he needed to do.

Dean went to Bobby's, "Burry me next to Sam, Bobby, please," Dean said with a rough voice.
"Dean," Bobby whispered. Dean shook his head no. He drank one too many sleeping pills, and soon he fell asleep. Bobby cried, but he did what he was told to do. He buried his last son next to his other one.

Their tombstones read:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dean awoke in someone's arms.
Dean was with his soul mate,
Sammy.
"Hey Sam," Dean whispered kissing his brother.
"Why, Dean? You had something," Sam whispered.
"I have something better here, how could I leave you?" Dean whispered.
"Well you kind of did a bad job of leaving me," Sam smiled. Dean laughed.
They kissed again.
They smiled-their lips still together.

For all eternity, they stayed together.

~fin~