Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. The only thing that is mine here is the idea for the plot, everything else... Well, it's not.
There's a note at the end of the story, if you actually get there, you should check it out.
Mmmmm... I hope you enjoy it... I guess?
You have felt depressed a lot of moments in your life, due bullying you know what it feels like to be on the rock bottom, how is to feel powerless... Hopeless. Now it's funny how you wish for a way you could have those moments of depression back instead of feeling like this. Empty. Everything was so sudden, it felt like a dream, a nightmare, and you just wanted to be awakened. You weren't alone that afternoon in the loft when the news arrived. Kurt was the one who got the call and the one who got you to the couch after he tried to tell you what was going on then he called Santana, how got there an hour later with red eyes asking with a broken voice, what in hell had happened. Among sobs and crying, and your heart in your feet, those were the worse hours you have ever lived. You were numb, lost, like in a trance. Later in the night, they started talking about going to Lima and your chest felt even heavier, going to the memorial was facing the fact that everything was real.
It was facing the fact that Finn was, in fact, dead.
You regreted it when you agreed to go with Kurt and Santana, Lima was even worse than you thought it would be. So much worse. Walking down McKinley's halls was impossibly hard and the urge to break down and cry was so intense you held on into Kurt's hand with more strength. He was being so strong about all of this. Seeing the Glee group didn't make things any easier. Everything that the Glee group did made you sadder, all of them giving sad smiles or crying when they talked about an specific memory they had with Finn, each song making it harder for you to breathe, each little speech making you want to stand up and scream. The worse was Finn's parents. They were completely devastated, Finn's mother didn't seem to have a hold on herself, while Burt tried to keep it together but he seemed that he could break any second and you shared with them the saddest hug you have been part of. Those was two days you wished you didn't remember with such details.
But you do.
Even now when you are here on New York alone in your room of your new apartment, that you still share with your friends, sitting in the edge of your bed, exactly 7 months after you came back from Lima, you do. You remember every person, every tear and every single sympathy word that people kept on telling you. And you hated those, people who thought they knew what you were feeling. Or what you're still feeling. Your mood keeps on getting better as the time passes. Funny Girl opened a few doors and you have been called in for more plays, being the lead on two of them, and the band was getting good feedback on the performances, and besides this really cute boy, Jake, took you out last week when you finally decided accepted to have a coffee with him, you weren't sure you agrred, but he kept on saying it was just coffee, he's sweet, really, but it didn't feel ok. He even apologized and understood when you declined when he asked you if he could kiss you goodbye, saying he was going to wait until you were ready. This made you start to think about that moment as well, and it seemed far away, so far away. Things were looking up lately and you tried to focus on that, in being opptimist, but moments like these, when the times you shared with Finn were runnig through your head you and feel broken.
You run your hand through your hair while the tears continue to flow down your face, you hear a knock and you try to calm yourself. You're glad now you all live in apartment with doors. More privacy... Well, kind of, because you know Dani must have heard you crying, because you are more than sure she's the person behind that door right now. Something that often happens when Santana and Dani's room is right next to yours, and opposite to her girlfriend, Sanata is a really heavy sleeper.
She and Sanata have been officially dating for 6 months now and she had moved in here 4 months ago, back in the old loft, and she contined to be your roommate here. Even though you made it obvious that you are happy about it, you couldn't put on words how grateful you really were about having Dani around. You hear the door slowly opening and with a quick glace to your clock-alarm in the nightstand, you see that it's almost 1:00 am.
"Rachel?"
Her voice didn't scare you like the first time she saw you like this. It was her first weekend being moved in to the loft and Kurt and Santana decided to go out to buy some liquor to surprise Dani and celebrate her moving in with her girlfriend and her friends. You were in the kitchen hoping none of them wouldn't see you crying when she came back from her shift at the dinner, shouting out she was home, she looked up and froze for a second and before you started to panic she was throwing everything she had in her hands in the counter to hug you. And That moment was quite uncomfortable at first, but when you heard her quietly whispering "It's ok" you decided you were too sensitive and way too tired to pay attention to the fact that it was really weird to have a girl you had only knew for so little hugging you like that, besides, her shoulder seemed like a really nice place to rest your head momentarily, and well, you weren't wrong. It got even more welcoming each time she have found you in similar states as this, you have lost count of how many.
You feel Dani sitting next to you and she puts a so familiar arm around you to pull you closer to her, and just like every time, your head leans on her shoulder as you feel her fingers in you arm to start moving them up and down on a comfortable way, but your tears don't seem to stop.
"I miss him." - You can't help to sob and she rests her chin in your head.
"I know, sweetie. I know..." - She moves her hand to your back and start making little circles, trying to comfort you, and it does. Even if it is just a little bit or maybe if it is just for a little while, she manages to calm you down. It was strange. She has been the only person who could truly make you feel better. Dani was different to any other person who has tried to comfort you about Finn's death. Mosly because all who tried also knew Finn and were also affected when he left and that made you feel selfish and guilty. When people in Lima started giving you their condolences, you couldn't help to feel bad because they had also lost someone, a friend, a brother, a student. Before you left, Finn's parent told you how sorry they were about how you wouldn't end up together anymore, and that made you feel terrible. They had lost a son.
"It's ok, Rach. You're allowed to miss him. "- You find Dani's voice relaxing and you feel your breathing slow down. She's the only person you believe when you hear those words. It's not same when it's with Santana or Kurt, you don't feel the pressure or the need to comfort her too, and you don't feel guilty about having her taking care of you, beacuse, unlike them, she wasn't having a hard time because she didn't know Finn. You still see Kurt eyes get red when someone mention him and Santana is sensitive about it, even when she doesn't admit it, you still see her face fall when she hears about him. Time ago you stopped wondering if Dani also comforts Santana like this, because you don't want to know, you have realized that Dani satisfy your selfish wish of having someone to understand your own grieving, and knowing that she does would take that away. You hear her repeating that everything's gonna be alright, over and over again and you finally feel your eyes starting to get heavy.
"I'm sorry I woke you up."- You apologize.
"You didn't, I was just getting a glass of water when I heard you."- She assures you even though you both know that's a fat lie.
"Thank you…"- When it's about her, these words always leave your mouth in the most sincere way possible and you know, well, hope, she knows that.
"It's nothing, Rachel. I understand what you are going through. I'm here for you if you need me. Alaway."-You give her little smile even though you know she can't see it, due your possition, and you close your eyes when she kiss the top of your head and you think about that, even though she was the last person you excpected to find comfort with, you are thankful to have Dani as your friend.
Well, you got here. You're so cool.
Before you ask, no, it's not my first fanfic, but it is indeed the first time I've write in English, so I'm REALLY sorry for any stupid mistake and/or typos you could've found. Also, yeah, the story doesn't stick a lot with what actually happened on the Glee universe, and I kind of wrote them out of characther, so... Sorry about that too. It was just something I've had on my mind for so long and I decided to post it before I went crazy.
I hope you liked it and I wish you could tell me what you think! Even if you hated it, I'd like to know.
Thank you for reading.
-Alex.-