This is a form of fic in my weakest area- a song fiction. I'll explain to you WHY I'm so terribly BAD at these sort of fics ^_^. For one, I sometimes put too much in one area, like the refrain and the first half of the next verse. The other reason is that you take in more of the SONG and not enough of the actual story. I know… If this is horrible, its because I really really am bad at these. Be wary while reading this ^_~
Disclaimer- I do not, in any way, own the copyrights to A Walk To Remember, Only Hope, Jamie Sullivan, or ::sob:: LANDON! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!! ::Second Guy and Guy drag away a hysterical Mystic Rose from the microphone::
Title- Lilacs
Author- Mystic Rose
Rating- PG
Teaser- Landon thinks about Jamie, four years after her death, towards the end of Landon's final year at UNC. There are many simple- and not so simple- reminders of his past love recurring. From the most subtle to… a vision of Jamie herself. MEGA SPOILERS!!!
Chapters- 1
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There's a song that's inside… my soul
"Mistah Cahtah, would you like to tell us what's so interastin'?" Ms. Roberts inquired in her southern drawl. Landon looked up, smiling cheekily and shook his head.
"No thanks, Ms. Roberts, I don't think anything I have to say is as interesting as the screwed up American democracy we all know and hate." He answered back. Most of the class rolled their eyes at the lame joke while a couple of the girls giggled. One of the girls that giggled turned around and looked at him, smiling flirtatiously.
Mandy Parkinson, head cheerleader at her high school and Prom Queen for both her Junior and Senior year. Why she actually went to UNC was enough to baffle anyone. Even the question of HOW she got in was even more puzzling. She had honey blonde hair and pretty jade eyes and a seductive smile. She obviously had eyes for Landon, but up till now Landon hadn't even noticed.
Landon smiled weakly at her and, with a look of triumph on her face, Mandy turned around once more. The bell rung, signaling the end of class.
"… Now remembah class, read chaptahs 49 to 69 by Mohnday. Have a nice weekend ev'rabody." She waved. Landon sighed as he and the rest of the class filed out of the classroom. It was his final class of the day and he was going to go home and study and do his homework for his final exams. Or, he WOULD have done it if a certain blonde hadn't tapped him on the shoulder while he was opening his car. He turned around and was face to face with Lydia Sikes, a friend of Mandy's who had also giggled in class.
Lydia Sikes was one of those girls you couldn't help but feel sorry for. She was sweet and well mannered but got in trouble very often. Not that she meant to, mind you. She was certainly not the sharpest cookie in the cookie jar, as she liked to say. But everyone knows that cookies aren't sharp so that made everyone feel even MORE sorry for her, if possible.
"Hello Landon." She greeted, batting her eyes. She stepped a bit closer to him. "I was wondering if you'd like to go to this new club, Club Alien (AN: ß Not mine)." She then rubbed up closer to him, so that his left shoulder and her right shoulder were touching. Landon tried to back away, but he was trapped between his Forest Green Jeep and a determined Lydia.
"I dunno. I have a ton of work to do and I have to study for finals-" He was cut off by Lydia, who's face was mere centimeters away from his own.
"Oh please." She rolled her eyes, planting her lips on his.
It is one that I've tried… to write over and over again
Landon's mind was racing. His eyes were wide open, his eyes darting back and forth. It all finally sunk it and he gently pushed her away. Lydia was still in a daze, opening her amber eyes slowly. She stepped away from him and Landon took this opportunity to open his car door and getting inside. He started the car, glancing briefly at Lydia. She was glaring at him venomously now.
He rolled down his window and said softly, "I'm sorry, Lydia. I'm just… not ready for this." As he put his hands on the wheel, his wedding ring gleamed brightly in the sun.
"Yeah right, Landon. If you didn't want to go with me, you could of… just… said so." She whispered the last part out. She had just noticed Landon's ring, staring at it numbly. She then looked over to Landon. "You're married?" She demanded incredulously. He was about to say he was a widower, but knowing she'd try and prod him into going once more. He just nodded, and pulled out.
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Landon groaned, running a hand through his hair.
I can't believe I let her KISS me, he thought to himself angrily. To cool down his nerves, he turned on the radio. Song after song reminded him of Jamie until he finally relented and turned it off. Luckily, he was almost to the apartment parking lot.
He took his regular spot and got out. Without thinking he locked and alarmed his car, thinking of Jamie once more.
This is crazy. Jamie wouldn't have wanted me to be miserable. She'd want me to be happy, Landon reasoned. As he got into the elevator, he pushed the number 15 button and felt that familiar lurch in his stomach as they traveled up. But then, a sudden idea came to mind.
Am I miserable because Jamie was the only thing that made me happy?
I'm awake in the infinite cold…
He cleared his head, shaking it. He stepped out of the elevator as soon as it reached his floor, walking much slower then he intended toward his apartment. He got out his keys, inserting the key in the lock and opening it.
It came all at once.
For one, the smell of lilacs hit him. Jamie's scent. The other was not as subtle in the slightest.
Standing in front of him, was none other then a smiling Jamie.
He blinked, and she was gone. He shook his head.
"All this studying is getting to me. I'm beginning to see things." He mused to himself. But then he realized something. The smell, one he hadn't sniffed for several years, still lingered in the air.
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"… So I then conclude that democracy is dictation, only difference being that you pick your leaders. Although, after elected, the leaders choose the rules for you, giving you no idea of the inner workings of the government." Landon finished, smiling that he finished his essay. He sighed as he put it in his 'Finished' pile that had very little done, but a ton of papers were in the 'Unfinished' pile.
I can't believe this, where did all these papers come from? He moaned.
"I'm gonna lose it. I swear, I'm going to lose all sanity if I don't get a break." He muttered to himself.
Maybe I SHOULD have gone with Lydia, he thought to himself. Earlier events washed over him, guilt plaguing his mind. I know she started it but maybe I shouldn't have just left her like that, he thought to himself. A voice, sounding strangely like Jamie's echoed in his mind.
Shouldn't you call her and apologize? The voice inquired. Landon inwardly shuddered at that.
And risk listening to her forcing me to come with her on a date or something? No way, there is absolutely NO WAY I'm going to talk to her this weekend, Landon declared.
"I can't believe I'm calling her." He muttered to himself, hearing the phone ring for the first time. She picked it up after the third ring.
"Hello?" Her cheery voice rang.
Landon cleared his throat, "Hey, it's me. Uhhh, Landon." He added. He heard a muffled squeal arise from her throat.
"So, why are you calling?" She questioned. Landon shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"I was just calling to say I'm uh, sorry for leaving you like that. How can I make it up for you?" He quickly asked. He could practically see the wheels turning in Lydia's head.
"W-eeeeeell, you COULD take me to Club Alien tonight." She suggested.
How typical, Landon inwardly rolled his eyes.
Into the phone he answered, "Sure… But I have a ton of work to do." He reminded. Lydia giggled.
"C'mon Landon, stop acting like a hermit. You have to have fun SOME time." She reminded. Landon sighed.
"Alright, what time do you want me to pick you up?" He questioned.
"How about 8?" She said.
"Yeah, OK. But you'll have to tell me the directions 'cos I, uh, haven't been there." He admitted. Lydia gasped.
"Wow, I've been there at least 10 times since it opened. You really don't get out, do you? The little lady making you stay home?" She joked.
"Erm… In a way, yes." Landon replied.
As in I don't want to be social so I can spend time thinking about my late wife, he thought to himself. His train of thought was broken as Lydia giggled.
"Do you want to bring her too?" She asked. Landon felt his throat tighten.
"No, she's sick." He whispered out. Somehow, Lydia heard her.
"OK, see you at 8!" She said and hung up.
But you sing to me over and over and over again…
Landon drove toward Lydia's apartment. He was hoping that he didn't crash into anything, being that he wasn't paying attention in the slightest. Especially with all the close calls he encountered.
When he finally got in (and in one piece), he rang the buzzer to her apartment.
"Uh, hey. You ready?" He asked. He heard a bit of commotion before she giggled out a 'almost, c'mon up'. He heard the doors open as he traveled up the flight of stairs to her apartment door. He gently rapped the door. Before he got to put his arm back down, the door flew open. In front of him was none other then Mandy.
"Hi there, Landon. I'm coming with you, two." Mandy sheepishly informed him. Landon blinked, then nodded.
"Sure. The more the merrier." He smiled. "So, you gonna keep me out here all night?" He inquired. Mandy flushed slightly.
"Oh of course. Come right in." She said, moving aside so he could step in. Lydia's apartment was quite unpredictable. It was in deep greens and dark blues with oak and mahogany trimmings. It was quite earthy and Mandy must have noticed the puzzled look on his face for she said, "Lydia's a vegan." She explained.
"Oh." He answered back simply.
Figured, he thought to himself. No one could have such an impossibly small waist if they ate meat. Landon sat on the forest green velvet sofa, Mandy siting right next to him. She pursed her lips, looking at his left hand.
"You're married?" She asked nonchalantly. Landon nodded, glancing at her.
Lydia must have told her that or else she would have acted more surprised, he reasoned. After all, the hairs on the back of his neck hadn't been standing on end during their whole Literature period for no reason.
"Yep, I got married a few years back." He replied. Mandy nodded, her lips scrunching up to the corner of her face.
"Oh, how come I've never seen you two on campus?" Mandy inquired curiously. Landon looked over at her direction slowly. He was inwardly debating whether or not he should say the actual truth or, the favorable of the two, tell a white lie.
I'm gonna regret this, he sighed to himself. Mandy was giving her infamous pout, which Landon hadn't got why it was so persuasive up till now.
"OK, but you have to promise you don't tell Lydia." He told her, looking away. He, by habit, started rubbing his hands together. Mandy nodded.
"All right, I promise." She vowed. He looked back at her, a sad look forming on his face.
"She… died the summer before my first year at UNC." He whispered, looking down at his hands.
So I lay my head back down
Mandy gasped, her hand instinctively flying to her mouth. "Oh no. I'm so sorry." She whispered out. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I guess that's why you aren't as social as some of the guys at UNC." She realized. Landon gave her a half-smile.
"Don't you mean all of the guys?" He reminded. Mandy rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe- I never knew-" She began but Landon raised a hand to stop her.
"That's because no one knows. Well, except for you. I come from a small town, Beaufort. Everyone knew each other there, see. Obviously I'm the only one from Beaufort or everyone would be giving me their condolences at the anniversary of her death." He sighed. Mandy nodded.
"Tell me your story. Please?" She pleaded. Landon raised an eyebrow.
"What about Lydia?" He reminded her. She pointed to the glowing light blue clock on the wall. It said 7:28.
"You're mega early and since she told you to be here by 8, she'll be ready by 8:30. PLEN-ty of time." She reassured him. Landon nodded.
"It gets kind of sad toward the end." He warned her.
"Naturally." She replied.
"Don't get mad at me- it doesn't exactly end happily like in all those romance novels you like to read during Chemistry II." He said. Mandy turned an interesting shade of crimson at that.
"Landon, please. I only did that ONCE and that's because I couldn't put the book down. I'm a big girl- I can handle it." She reassured him with a wink. Landon shrugged.
"OK, if you say so…" Landon trailed off, looking away from her again. He looked back at her once more. "Just one favor before I start my story." He requested. Mandy nodded.
"'Kay, go ahead." She urged.
"No questions till the end of my story." He said. Mandy giggled at this.
"Consider it done." She said. Landon nodded.
"It was back in the year 1996, my final year at Beaufort High…" He began.
And I lift my hands and pray
"… I was kind of the opposite of what I was now. I almost always had a girlfriend, was incredibly popular, what some people would call a rebel, and well, downright hot." Landon grinned.
"Which you still are." Mandy teasingly added in. Landon shot her a look. "Hey, you never said anything about comments." She defended.
Shaking his head, Landon went on, "Well, it was back in March that it all happened. It was the 'initiation' that we held every once and awhile for a new kid. We asked them to meet us in some cement factory some night and jump from this high stand, whatever it was. Anyway, today it was this kid, Clay Gephardt. I was probably drunk that day from all that beer I had over at school because I remember saying something like 'you ready to fly?' to Gephardt." At this, Mandy stifled a laugh. "What?" He asked.
"The thought of you drinking on school property- no, you drinking PERIOD- is almost incomprehensible." She laughed.
"I told you I was a rebel. Now shut up and let me finish my story." He ordered. Mandy made a gesture to zip her mouth and throw away the key.
"All right then… where was I? Oh yeah, I was saying 'you ready to fly?' to Gephardt. While Dean, a friend of mine in high school, was explaining the rules, I was taking off my jacket and pants. Gephardt looked kinda worried but I told him that I was gonna jump with him, too. So up we went, and I counted down. When I got to three, I made a move to jump, but didn't. Gephardt did. We were all crackin' up at this, until my best friend Eric or my ex-girl Belinda said something about him not coming up. I remember Belinda saying that I had to get down there and naturally, I did.
"When I got to where Gephardt was, I found a rusty old pipe above him and told the rest of the group that he probably hit the pipe when he fell. Some security guard caught us so Dean and his girl friend Tracie split. Belinda tried to help me, but our other friend Walker dragged her away, too. Eric helped me get him up and offered to assist me but I told him to go. When I saw that he was alive, I ran away, too.
"The other guys were too far away for the police to chase so they went after me. I crashed into these cans, getting a cut," He gestured to the exact spot where the cut had been. "And a broken right leg. I got sentenced to janitorial duty after school, tutoring at our local sister school, and to participate in the spring play. Enter Jamie." He smiled at this.
"Jamie stayed after school, too for the Stars and Planets club, tutored voluntarily at the local sister school, and was in the Drama club. In other words, I was pretty much stuck with her constantly.
"I remember the first 'conversation' we had together all year. It was on Saturday, when I had to tutor. We had boarded the bus and I was listening to some CD I can't remember the name of when Jamie went up and sat next to me. She started talking about the tutoring then Gephardt and I got sick of it. I remember making fun of the Bible she carried around all the time." Mandy's jaw dropped at this. "I also remember me asking if she cared what other people thought of her. Of course, being Jamie, she said no and went back to sit in her seat. I stared at her for the rest of the ride after that, wondering what the hell was the matter with this girl.
"The first day I had to go to the Drama club was probably the worst day of my life to me at that time. I remember sinking into my seat and trying not to be noticed. Naturally, I got the lead part of the play. I protested, but I eventually gave up and accepted the role. I was probably the worst actor there. I saw Jamie just staring at me, shaking her head.
"I was waiting for Eric to pick me up when we had yet another conversation. I remember the exact things we said, too. Jamie was saying 'would it kill you to try?' and I answered back, 'yep, and I'm too young to die.' She nodded, as if understanding. 'I get it, you only like school because your popular and will never be on top again' I remember her saying. Which was actually true, but I said instead, 'that's thoroughly predictable'. She just gave me a small smile and answered back 'you're act only works on an audience'. She got into her car, and I was right in front of it. I remember having that split second of dread when she looked like she was about to run me over. I hopped on over there in my crutches and said 'feelin' Christian?'" Mandy giggled at this. Landon shot her another look.
"Sorry. Go on." She apologized.
"Anyway… we talked for awhile and out of nowhere she just says 'Forty-two'. I was like 'what are you talking about?' and stuff and she explained to me that 42 was to befriend someone she didn't like. It was a to-do list for her life and then I asked sarcastically 'like getting a new personality?' She obviously didn't get it 'cos she just shook her head and told me some of the things on her list. After awhile, we passed by Eric who was with Tracie and Dean and I just ducked so they couldn't see me.
"The next day, Dean was like 'we cool?' and stuff and I said, of course and he just nodded. I really never understood why he did that- still don't actually, but I think it was because I'd had more conversations with Jamie Sullivan in the past week then I had had in my whole life.
"I remember how I was driving home because it was way past curfew and my mom would kill me when I saw Jamie walking into the graveyard. I got out and scared her, making her turn around. I was like 'you always walk around in the cemetery at night?' She just shrugged and flashed that damn flashlight in my eyes and said to come and see. I had to sort of skip on over there 'cos my leg was still healing and I forgot my crutches somewhere.
"She explained to me when I got over to she was that the telescope there was hers and she made it herself when she was 12. She told me to take a look so I did and low and behold, Saturn was there. After I said something she said she was building a larger one for the comet Hykutaku. It only came in the spring of that year and nobody knew when it would come back again. I just nodded and said something like 'nature's miracles- I get it' She didn't take this personally or anything, she just said 'what do you mean?' I just said that it figured she would be into all this stuff. She was like 'this stuff… I have my faith, I have my beliefs but don't you?' A'course I shook my head. 'Nope, there's too much bad shit in this world' she just stared at me for a little while before she said, 'Without suffering there could be no compassion'. I told her to tell that to those who suffer. She just smiled sadly and shook her head.
"I don't remember how the rest of the night went but I remembered getting home two hours later then I had meant to, making me three hours late. Mom was worried sick and didn't even believe me when I said I was hanging out with Jamie." Landon paused. Mandy raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"Well, no offense or anything, but I always thought you'd be some sort of teacher's pet back in high school." She commented. Landon chuckled at this.
"Ahhh, my mom wished I was. Whole lot better then getting calls from the principal saying I had skipped class again or something." Landon replied. Mandy just shook her head, amused.
"Don't let me interrupt you- go on." She said. Landon sighed, rubbing his hands.
"Well, she let me off the hook for once, just because the excuse was totally unexpected. I really needed help with my lines and asked Jamie for help. She made me promise one thing though. C'mon, guess what it was. It was totally unexpected." Landon said. Mandy shrugged.
"Dunno- I hate guessing games. Just tell me already." Mandy replied.
"There's no fun in that… Well, she told me not to fall in love with her. Of course, at the time I thought it wasn't humanly possible to actually love Jamie Sullivan so I just nodded and saw her that afternoon. I have no idea when she asked me this but I remember her asking me if I was gonna see her after school. I told her in her dreams and everyone just started laughing when she was about a foot away. Eric was like 'hey, where's your sweater?' and I tried to laugh at that, too. But I knew by now that she definitely did not deserve that.
"I still went to her house after school-" He began but was cut off my Mandy once more.
"And she shut the door in your face." She finished. Landon looked over to her.
"You just don't shut up do you?" Landon irritably inquired. Mandy shook her head.
"Nope." She grinned.
"Hm, couldn't notice. Besides, I haven't gotten to the door shutting scene so lemme finish, would ya?" Landon said. Mandy shrugged.
"Go ahead." She answered back.
"THANK you. Anyway, she opened the door and just shut it in my face, like you said. I started pounding on the door and stuff and she opened it again and I walked back real quick 'cos she was actually advancing toward me. I just pointed out the obvious and said she was mad and for once, she was sarcastic and said that I didn't miss a thing. I've actually forgotten most of the conversation but what she said before she slammed the door in my face- yes, again- made me really think. 'I thought I saw something in you, Landon. Something good. But I was very wrong.' and shut the door on me. I was pissed and went down the porch steps shouting 'damn it!' and Reverend Sullivan came out, hands on his hips. I just apologized and went to go practice my lines my myself.
"The practice for the play was torture- Sally; she was playing Caroline who was supposed to be my girlfriend or something, couldn't get that shove on my right shoulder right. My arm just kept on flying up by reflex. We spent at least two hours on that scene and I swear that exact spot was turning bluish or something. Anyway, when we finally finished that, I had to watch Jamie practice for our part. Thank God I sat during the whole entire song or I would have lost it.
"The next day we were just walking in opposite directions toward each other and we just locked eyes for a second or something. We just lost contact and I knew she had looked back at me for awhile then looked back. Actually, I just glanced at her but it was weird because I'd never actually done that before toward her.
"The play a few days later was great and all, even though I don't remember a thing about it. But what really stuck in my mind was the final scene. The one with Jamie.
To be only yours I pray
"She came out in this horrible cape that concealed her from everyone else. Caroline had broken up with Tom and left. I started talking to her and stuff but I remember stumbling on my lines somewhat when she took off her cape. She was wearing a light blue dress with this long train and her hair was all curled and she was wearing make-up for once. I remember stumbling on my lines and making stuff up, but got to asking her to sing for me.
"She did of course and that was a breather 'cuz I didn't have to say anything to me during the whole time. I was just staring at her the whole time and watching as she walked around the stage, her head held up high. When she finished her song, she went to sit on the table with me. I really don't know what came over me- One minute I'm sitting in my chair, the next I'm leaning over and kissing her.
"She was in total shock and just stared at me as the curtains closed. After the performance Mom congratulated me and so did the Drama director, Miss Garbor, and the creator of the play, Eddie Zimmerhoff. I found Jamie in the crowd and went to go over to talk to her but my dad stopped me. I was irritated that a. he had come and b. that he had stopped me from pursuing Jamie.
"I just walked away, and I remember a day afterwards looking for her. I went over to the cafeteria and sat by her, Lunch Table 7 and all. She was reading 'To Kill A Mockingbird' and wouldn't really talk to me. I told her that I missed spending time with her and even said she inspired me. She told me- get this- that it was bull. Jamie didn't say stuff likes that and I almost didn't say anything but I recovered quickly enough. She stormed out after I asked her which part and she said all of it. I followed her as she walked over to her car. Yeah- I suppose she had special rights because of what was happening with her and nobody expected me to be in school anyway, if you're wondering why she cut class. Anyway, I caught up to her and said she was scared. She asked me of what, but I could tell she really was scared. Of being with me, I answered back to her. She just glared at me and said with a tone of voice I never thought I'd hear from her, asking me why I'd be afraid. I said that she couldn't hide behind her books, or her stupid telescope or her faith. She just shook her head angrily at me and began to walk toward her car again.
"I suppose I was caught up in the moment, or being with Jamie had made me retaliate quicker because next thing I know, I'm telling her that didn't scare her. She was just staring at me, and I continued since I obviously had her attention. I said 'No, you know the real reason your scared?' I paused at this, trying to think up the words. 'Because you wanna be with me, too' was all I said. Y'know, any other girl would be happy that I actually said I wanted to be with her but no, of course not, this was JAMIE we were talking about. Nope, SAYING that I wanted to be with her wasn't good enough but I needed to SHOW her that I wanted to be with her. I thought it was kinda stupid how she was acting but I eventually understood why.
"Of course, I can't tell you yet 'cos it'll be awhile till that. Anyway, I remember being so pissed at this all and wanting to be with her so badly. So as a sort of peace offering, I had given her a sweater the night before, but she wasn't wearing it. I figure she had forgiven me, because she didn't seem as cold as she was before.
"A few days later, Belinda had her pictures developed from the play or something 'cos she had a picture of Jamie from the play. She just edited Jamie's picture a bit and plastered it onto a super model's body with the words 'Virgin Mary?' on it. Tracie was passing them out and Belinda decided the cruelest way to tell her is to act like she wasn't the villain herself. She probably asked Jamie to hang out with her or something and went to a table where a picture was and pretended to be shocked. She showed the picture to Jamie, who just stared at it, then at everyone else.
"Now, Jamie really didn't care about other people's decisions but everyone was jeering at her and she just, well, cracked. I was just walking into the cafeteria cos I had heard the rumors and Jamie literally flew into my arms. I took it she had found out, and told her to stay there. I punched Dean, and he said that our friendship was over, but I really didn't care.
"We walked out of the school, me comforting her and all. I asked her if I should take her home and she said she did. When we got to her house, she thanked me and began to get out of my car when I asked her to go out with dinner with me. She shook her head and I was surprised because I never thought she would actually have something to do.
"She explained to me that she wasn't allowed to date. I just nodded, understanding and I drove over to Reverend Sullivan's church. He was practicing the sermon for next week or something, and I asked him if I could go out with her. He declined, of course, but I was pretty determined now. I decided on the ride over there that there was only one way I could get him to say yes- tie religion into it. I told him I was asking for the same thing he taught every Sunday- and that was faith.
To be only yours
"Next thing I know, he's telling me what time I could pick her up and what time she had to go home and numerous rules I know that I didn't hear. I was still in awe I suppose- I never really expected it to work.
"We went out to this really expensive restaurant and after we finished eating, she asked if I wanted to dance. And I was really bad at dancing and but she convinced me anyway. I must have stepped on her feet at least twenty times in the five minutes we were dancing, I swear.
"I asked her what her number one was again, and she didn't tell me 'cuz she probably didn't trust me still. So I told her my number one, which was getting outta Beaufort. What she said to me probably changed my life, made me… different." Landon let out a sigh at this, glancing at the clock one more which read 7:42.
Wow, I must talk real fast or something, Landon thought to himself.
"Landon?" Mandy broke his train of thought. Landon looked over to her.
"Mmm?" He asked.
"Uhhhh, you aren't done. Well- I don't THINK you're done but I'm sure that didn't explain why you have that ring on your finger," she joked, tapping his wedding ring. Landon nodded, giving her a half-smile.
"Good point. She told me… she told me that getting outta Beaufort wouldn't be the problem, but what would I do when I got out. I didn't have any idea what she meant by that, 'cos no one ever had such faith in me before. She told me that… that she had faith in me." Landon ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I never actually… HAD that before. Everyone expected me to be some high school drop-out working at a local McDonald's flipping burgers or something.
"I remembered a few things from her list and spent the rest of the night making two things from her list come true. We went to the state line between North Carolina and Virginia and I had Jamie put two feet on both sides of the line. She was confused at first, she didn't have any idea what this was for or that I actually remembered that conversation we had when she drove me home. She was in two places at once, and she hugged me and thanked me, o'course.
"We went over to the pier, and I asked her what tattoo she wanted." He smiled slightly at this. "I guess she never had a temporary tattoo before. She didn't care so I just put on the butterfly one. After that, we went over to the dock and she started talking about the wind. Of how she couldn't see it, but she could feel it. She talked about how love, joy, happiness was the center of everything. Then she turned to me and said 'how can you have moments like this and not believe?'
"I didn't know what to say at that. Instead I was like 'I might kiss you' to her and then she said 'I might be bad at it' and I just shook my head a little and said 'that's.. not possible' and just kissed her, then and there. I told her I loved her and she just stared at me. After a minute or something I was getting kinda nervous 'cuz she wasn't saying anything so I just figured she was in shock or something and said that now would be a good time to say anything.
"Turns out she wasn't in shock, but she was kind of mad at me and sad at the same time. She said 'I told you not to fall in love with me'. I really didn't understand why she was like this and all, but I just thought she wasn't ready for something like this.
"I was wrong." He whispered out, licking his dry lips.
I know now, you're my only… hope
"We went to school together the next day and I barely glanced at my, well, posse if you will. We just walked to school, everyone staring at us and all.
"I remember that being the best week of my life. I had Jamie, my friends weren't hassling me, and nothing would happen to us." He remembered fondly. His smile formed to a thin line. "I was wrong."
"I was walking Jamie up to her house and I kissed her and her dad opened the door just as we pulled away. I was thinking something like, 'oh shit, I'm screwed' over and over and over. And he ordered me to go home and to say goodnight. I left, getting in my car and feeling so bad about getting Jamie in trouble with her dad and all. She called me an hour later, telling me to come to the cemetery in half an hour.
"O'course I wouldn't turn down a chance to see Jamie so I told her I would go with her although Mom wouldn't have let me go out. Unless, of course, I told her WHY I was going. So I did, and she just stared at me blankly. I had the strangest feeling she was gonna laugh or something but she just blinked and asked me to repeat what I just said. So I did and she shook her head, muttering something like 'I knew I shouldn't of had that box of chocolate covered cherries so late'. I guess that was a yes or something so I just left then.
"But not, of course, without my bag that had a thermos of coffee, two blankets, and a paper from the International Star Registry. See, I had gotten a star named after her when I told her that she was scared of being with me. I'd been waiting for the perfect moment to tell her about it and I guess now would be the perfect time.
"I met her there and she just gave me a quick kiss and asked me to help her with her telescope. So I helped her carry it over to her favorite spot and set it up. She asked me what I wanted to see and I told her I wanted to see Pluto. She just told me that Pluto only rises a few minutes before the sun raises. I was already prepared so I got out the coffee and a blanket. Then, she did the funniest thing.
"'Are you trying to seduce me?' was all she asked. I just raised an eyebrow at her and asked back, 'why, are you seducible?' She just shook her head and I got out a second blanket and she thanked me. I told her to look for her star- although she didn't know it was named after her- and she asked me why. I showed her the paper and told her that I got it named after her.
"She thanked me and told me she loved me. We sat down on a blanket and just waited for the time to see her star. I asked her for the third time what her number one was. This time she actually told me. She said her number one was to marry in the church where her mother grew up- where her parents got married. I just nodded understandably, and knew at that exact moment that I was gonna marry Jamie Sullivan.
"I just didn't realize how soon that would happen." Landon smiled, glancing once more at the clock. 8:03.
"I got home so late, at 6 AM or something and spooked my mom. She asked me if I was out with Jamie and I think she had heard how I was with girls because she warned me that she was the Reverend's daughter. I just told her it was different with her, and she seemed to accept that because she showed me what she found while doing the laundry. It was my To-Do list… Jamie inspired me to make on up. The sad thing about it is that my own mother didn't in believe in me- she said that I'd have to work really hard. I remember answering her with her with 'mama… Jamie has… faith in me. She makes me wanna me different. Better.' and I guess she realized that I was finally growing up.
"A few days afterwards Jamie and I were walking home from one of our dates when we saw Belinda and Tracie talking. We stopped walking and the walked away in front of us. I guess I was considered in the out crowd now cos I just said 'that's great, from citizen high to citizen low'. I asked her why she looked so down and if it was because of her college applications.
"Turns out she wasn't applying to college. Of course, I just assumed she was gonna join the Peace Core for a year or something but she said she wasn't doing that either. So I asked her what she was gonna do and she told me she was sick. I wasn't expecting the worse so I just said that I'd take her home but she just shook her head at me and told me that she was sick again.
"Then she said the words I'd been trying to forget but I couldn't at the same time." Landon smiled softly at this. He was a bit quiet after this and Mandy wanted to know what Jamie said.
"What'd she say?" She demanded in a childish manner.
"Do you know how kiddie like you sound?" Landon diverted the subject. Mandy wrinkled her nose.
"Please- me, a child, you have got to be kidding me." Mandy answered back. "And stop trying to change the subject, what did Jamie say?" Mandy breathed. Landon sighed.
"You're not easy to distract, are you?" Landon attempted to change the subject once more. Mandy glared.
"No and stop it, just tell me." Mandy ordered.
Landon looked away from her and rubbed his right forearm. "She said it so quietly I almost didn't catch it. But I remember it, the words burned in my mind, how she took five small, almost insignificant breaths to just say that one small sentence. How pale she looked when she said it and realizing why she was so pale. Why she seemed so very weak and was wearing a heavy winter coat in the middle of spring.
"'I have leukemia.'"
Sing to me a song of the stars
"I was in shock, it all seemed so surreal. This was something you'd read in the newspaper or read out of a romance novel you're kid sister loves so much. This kind of stuff couldn't happen in real life. If that didn't hurt enough that it was really happen, I realized what was truly happening.
"Jamie was dying- and I had no idea how to save her. The silence between us was almost unbearable and she just explained to me that the doctors told her to live life as normally as she could. That she didn't want anyone to be weird around her or anything. I was hurt that she didn't tell me and I just asked her 'including me?' and she just answered back 'especially you!' and just ran.
"I got into my car and went to the first place I thought of where I could get help. My dad was a doctor, see, and I had no idea what kind of doctor he was. But I suppose that chance that he could help Jamie crossed my mind and I just drove over to his place.
"When I finally got there and told my dad that Jamie had cancer he said that he couldn't help her. I half-expected this, and I just left even though he was telling me to come back.
"As I drove home I remember starting to cry and when I got home, my mom was kept on asking me what happened. I shut myself out of the world and stayed in my room for two days, missing school and never going out or anything." Landon paused.
"Musta been murder on your bladder, don't you think?" Mandy laughed. Landon flushed.
"Actually, there was a tree right outside of my window." He muttered shyly. Mandy was in tears at this.
"Oh my… God! Y-you ac-actually…? Y-you PEED on a-a tree." Mandy guffawed. This sent more bales of laughter as Landon kept on pushing her shoulder to shut her up. "OK, I'm done." She told him, trying to hold back one more snicker. She started laughing again after that.
"Anyway," Landon loudly said, trying to stop her from laughing. Mandy sobered up… well, mostly. "When I did finally get out of my room, it was Sunday. I was only there because of Jamie and Jamie alone. I got out of the clothes that I had been in since I found out about… it and found something actually clean to wear for once.
"The mass that day ended with everyone in tears. All the adults had adored Jamie and even if kids made fun of her, they knew that she definitely did not deserve this. I remember Jamie being surrounded by everyone, their apologies and sympathy. I remember looking in Jamie's direction and mouthing 'I love you' to her. She just nodded and went back to answering everyone's questions and accepting his or her pleas for forgiveness.
"I went over to this flower shop and bought all these flowers and left them on her porch. When I was finally done unloading everything, Reverend Sullivan had come home. I asked him to give Jamie a message for me, that I wasn't going anywhere. I guess he told her because I saw her later on that day while I was fixing my car for what had to be the hundredth time. I had nothing to do, life didn't seem… as worth it without Jamie. When I put my hood back down, I saw her. She apologized for not telling me sooner and I kept on saying that I shouldn't have done so many things. She just said that it was the only thing that kept her well so long… There was only one thing on my mind. 'Are you scared?' was all I was thinking about. I was terrified, but Jamie seemed so adult so I expected something like 'No' or something about the Lord's plan. But she was like 'to death' and she told me to lighten up.
"I didn't find it funny. We just stood there for awhile, not saying anything. She was fine with it before she and I got together and accepted it, but now she wasn't sure anymore. It was, as she would of said, the Lord's plan for her to die. She actually didn't want to die anymore because of me. I don't know what made me feel worse- her dying or the fact that she was dying and being with me had made her doubt God's plan.
"She told me that she was scared of not being with me. I told her that… that it would never happen and I just hugged her and held her as she cried. Everything happened so fast, next thing I know I'm building her a telescope so she could see the comet and she collapsed. She gave me her Mother's book of quotes and my father… he paid for private home care. I drove over there and I actually cried on his shoulder. A week later, the comet came and I was proposing. We… we got married and then she just died a few months after that." He summed it up. Mandy gulped.
"Wow… that's it? That's horrible… a bittersweet ending." Mandy stated. Landon smiled grimly.
"Yeah. I… visited her father a week ago." Landon looked out the nearby window. "I gave him back the book of quotes. In the yearbook, it said what our ambition was and hers was to witness a miracle. I… felt bad that she never got it and apologized to Reverend Sullivan.
"He told me the words that I just couldn't get outta my head. 'She did. It was you.' and I couldn't believe it. I visited the dock… the one we went to after our first date and where I told her I loved her. What she said that night just came back to me and I realized that our love was like the wind… That I couldn't see it, but always could feel it." At that moment, Mandy hugged him.
"Wow, what a great story." She said, releasing him. Landon pasted on a fake smile.
"Yeah." He muttered back.
I pour my soul out to a girl who thinks of it as a fantasy tale, Landon thought to himself incredulously. Well, at least I won't have her telling Lydia about this then, he reasoned. Then it hit him.
"D-do you smell that?" Landon's eyes widened. Mandy rolled her eyes, leaning back into the couch.
"Yeah- that would be Lydia. She has this obsession with lilacs, I swear…" She trailed off. Lydia came out of the bedroom just then. Indigo short shorts with a red halter-top that stated 'Hottie' on it. She was wearing spiked, red heels and a matching ankle bracelet on her left food.
"Hey." She winked seductively at Landon.
She has got to be kidding, I've been waiting for an hour so she could take a shower, put on a halter and shorts and perfume. Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have called her… Landon thought to himself in disgust.
"Uh, hey Lydia. Can we go?" Landon inquired. Lydia nodded.
"Yeah, let's go." He muttered out.
Of your galaxy dancing, and laughing and laughing again
The club was loud, dark, and definitely a place where Lydia would go. Immediately, Landon felt uncomfortable in such an environment and made a move to turn around to the entrance, hiding in the crowd, but Lydia stopped him.
"Oh c'mon Landon. You're here, you may as well dance a little." Lydia told him. Landon sighed, stopping.
"Fine, don't mean I have to like it." He grumbled as Lydia pulled him to the dance floor. Miraculously, he didn't step on her feet, but he wished he hadn't taken those lessons from his mom. By the fifth dance, Landon was getting tired of standing on his feet. "I'm gonna sit this one out." Landon cautiously let out. Lydia was too drunk by now to notice and just nodded her head, shooing him away.
"Go, have a great time." She slurred. Landon felt bad about leaving her there with some random guy, but he really didn't want to dance again.
"Finally." He said to himself, finding a place where he could sit.
"Having fun?" A teasing voice inquired, sitting in front of him.
"Shut up Mandy." He groaned, putting his head in his folded arms.
"What, just a question." Mandy innocently stated. "Besides, you didn't have to come here you know. But I guess all that 'good guy' stuff is still in motion." She joked.
"I'm not here." Landon said, though his voice was muffled.
"What?" She asked, the club was loud and she couldn't hear anything.
"I'm not here." He repeated, louder.
"What?" She tried to talk over the music, to no avail. Landon let out a sigh.
"Oh nevermind." He said. Mandy just shook her head, staring down at him sympathetically.
"You hate this don't you? You aren't one for stuff like this. I'm sorry Lydia dragged you all the way over here." She apologized. Landon looked up.
"It's all right I guess. Although, in my own apartment I could actually have some time to think by myself, without any interruption… But I'll be alright." He assured her. Mandy smiled faintly, the glow of her cheeks illuminating although the atmosphere was dark and bluish.
"You'll get through it. You've been through worse." She stated, patting his arm and leaving, disappearing in the crowd. So she did believe that it actually happened. What good did it do him, anyway?
"This is just perfect." He muttered to himself. He remembered during the car ride Lydia saying something about staying till 11 or midnight or something and he looked at his watch. It was one of those that had a glow in the dark face and it showed it to be 9:32 PM. Landon groaned, burying his head in his arms once more.
This is perfect, he sighed inwardly. He sensed lilacs and immediately thought that it was Jamie. But he dismissed it just as quickly, remembering that Lydia had the same exact smell.
"Y'need company?" A much too familiar voice inquired cheerfully. He looked up slowly. There, standing in front of him had to be an angel. She was ethereal, a goddess. She glowed, standing out among the darkness and faces. It was too good to be true, yet here she was, in a place she couldn't be in, shouldn't be in, would never be in.
"Jamie…" he breathed.
Even when your dreams, seem so far
The figure before him smiled slightly, sitting in the seat opposite of him. Her hair, in waves and seemed as if there was a wind although there was none, looked like it did when they had done the play. To be accurate, she looked exactly like she did when they did the play. Her face, a tint of rogue covering her cheeks, had make-up or what seemed to be make-up but Landon wasn't sure. Her dress was the beautiful ice blue, with the train. She was a dream come true- so realistic, it couldn't be real.
"You can't be her." Landon whispered, denying it. The tears had begun to spring forth from his eyes, with the realization that the woman before him could not be his love. "She died four years ago. It's not possible." He said, looking away from her. He couldn't bear to look at the woman who looked uncannily like the girl he had fallen in love with- it hurt so very very much…
"Look at me Landon." She pleaded, reaching out a slender hand and pushing his face gently toward her. "I'm real. I'm here. Doesn't that matter?" She asked sadly. Landon glared at her.
"I don't know who you are or who put you up to this but you can't be her. You may look like her, act like her, hell, you could even smell like her and I'd still deny it." Landon spat out. She was hurt by his denial, wincing slightly.
"And why would you try and refuse to believe what's right in front of you?" She questioned. Landon smiled sadly at her.
"Because… You're in heaven. Ghosts are souls that have unfinished business." He rasped out, the tears finally flowing down. The woman before him smiled and nodded.
"And why else?" She urged him. Landon stood up as well.
"Because I'm not in love with you." And the figure just disappeared as quickly as it came. Yet the smell of lilacs still lingered in the air… not superficial nor an earthly smell… For one whole minute, the whole club has smelled of the remainder of a love-stricken man put to test by a higher being.
Sing to me of the plans that you had for me over again
"I'm sorry you didn't have fun tonight, Landon. Maybe you're just not cut out for clubbing." Lydia sadly stated. Mandy had already been dropped off at her dorm room. "I'm sure you'll find someone." Lydia assured him, pecking him on the cheek. She then opened the door and left, waving to him. Landon pulled out, heading to his apartment complex.
"I already did. I just needed a reminder… Thank you Jamie." Landon whispered. He suddenly got an idea, and decided to take a visit somewhere. When he finally arrived, it was around 5 o'clock the sun just about to rise. He got out the telescope Jamie had made years ago and looked into it, trying to find it. When he found it, he smiled slightly. "This is for you Jamie." He stated softly, just as the sun was beginning to rise. Turning around, he walked toward a tombstone under a willow tree. "Jamie… I know your out there, listening to me. I'll never stop loving you Jamie. Never have… I never will." He told her grave furiously, placing a bouquet of roses on her grave.
"Thank you… for reminding me that I was looking for something I already had." He knew that Jamie had heard him because as the wind had blown, the smell of lilacs wafted in the air…
Elsewhere…
"I can't believe you decided to do that, Mom! You must have spooked him out or something!" An annoyed Jamie told her mother. Jamie's mother, looking much like an older Jamie, shot her a look.
"Now dear, I just wanted to make sure he wouldn't you know, do something with that girl. I just had to… well, refresh his memory a bit." She sniffed. Jamie's jaw dropped.
"'A bit'? Mom, you went down there and made him think it was me!" She cried out incredously. Jamie's mom rolled her eyes.
"It was a test and he passed, didn't he? I don't see what the fuss is all about." She stated. Jamie groaned.
"Yes, he passed with flying colors. But the fact of the matter is that you tested him without consulting me!!" And it went on and on and on…
There's a song that's inside my soul
It's one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
Even when your dreams seem so far
Sing to me of the plans that you had for me over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You're my only hope
I gave you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing with all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You're my only hope
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yay! Finally! Most, no, practically all of it had to do with Landon telling the story ::sweatdrop::. That was so not what I had intended. It was supposed to contain more 'reminders' then this, but I never actually got the opportunity to add them in. … OK, I was lazy, so what? LOL, I know this was all just a REALLY detailed version of the movie (mostly) and that it was rushed toward the end but Landon was telling his story OK? I dunno why I wrote that last part with Jamie and her mother, I just figured that you guys needed an explanation for the apparition ::shrug::. I know this was kind of bad, but I DID WARN YOU ^_~! The MAIN reason it was so very very bad was that most of it – no all of it – was practically made up of the story that you all know ANYWAY. Oy, I've repeated that at least 3 times now… There's something wrong with me. OK, bai bai everyone!!!