Title: Boys Don't Cry And Heroes Don't Die
Author: Nadja Lee
Feedback: Yes, please. It would mean so much to me.
English
is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer:
"X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20
Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur
fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea
contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do
not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of
the author.
Timeline: Set a little after the movie
Universe:
Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with
it!
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Summary: A grave and a visitor...and
so many dreams left unspoken...
Rating: PG-13
Warning:
Character death!
Part 1
I should have known I'd be standing here again. In the cemetery. Next to a grave. But I had never dreamed it would be your grave. There are so many things I wanted to tell you. So much I never said. So much I never even whispered. We were hardly friends yet from your shaded eyes I felt a longing for so much more. Why didn't you say something? Why didn't I? You'll be the perfect man with the perfect life but I often wonder; was it really all that perfect? You forget, my friend, (yes I can call you friend now. I never did before. Why? I don't know. I guess...I was afraid)...you forget, I know the truth. I saw the hurt and the pain. I saw the tears and the rain. Why didn't they? Were they too blind to see? Too cold to reach out for you and help you when you fell? Was I? I never showed you what I really felt. I never even tried. If I could have one wish granted I wish to let you know...I cared.
I stand here in the rain. The wind blows over me and makes me shiver but not from cold. They wanted to bury you with that damn visor on, said it was what you'll have wanted; to be buried as a hero. But I knew better. I know how you hated that blasted visor so I made them remove it and... I could see your eyes. For the first and last time I saw your eyes. They were beautiful, a rich blue like a summer sky. How appropriate as you were always like the summer to me. I only saw your eyes once when they were frozen in death yet they haunt me wherever I go. I could get lost in those eyes as I got lost in your soul. And that's what this is all about; soul. You had a clean soul even after all what you had been through and yes I know what you have been going through. I saw the scars, remember? Not just the physical ones, they had healed as well as they ever would, but the emotional ones as well. I saw the tear roll from your eyes and the sun made it glitter as it fell to the ground. Just that one tear yet it made the whole world cry.
Part 2
Of all the people I expected to outlive, you were never one of them. I always thought I could protect you. I may not have said with words what I feel for you but in actions I told you a thousand times. With my body as a shield you faced the world but now I know it wasn't enough. I couldn't say the words and you couldn't settle for less. I could only promise a day, the here and now and you wanted eternity and the future. That I could never give and you could never accept any less. You opened your heart to me once, told me the words I couldn't say. You wanted to hear those words from me. I...I just couldn't. I was a fool. I had you within my grasp that day and I let you go. Saw you walk away. I hurt you deeply, maybe even deeper than the rest. I never wished you that pain. I would gladly die a thousand deaths if only I could take away every tear, which has ever fallen from your eyes, every sadness your heart have ever felt. Even after that you still looked after me. You even saved my life a few times. The others thought us as enemies and maybe we were. Enemies of our own hearts. We had roles to play in front of the others and play them we did. You had been willing to change that but I hadn't. You asked too much of me too soon and I offered too little too late. I never told you this but you were the reason I stayed. Stayed and fought. I didn't fight for a dream. I fought for you, with you. I wanted you close; I wanted to protect you. How ironical that I couldn't save you from myself.
It hurts me deeply that I couldn't save you. I tried, how I tried. I was just too tired, too broken, too beaten. Even after all that time they never broke you. As I saw your limp and broken body I wanted to cry and scream and kill something. I did the last. I don't remember ever being so angry and killing so many. You'll have told me to calm down. To forgive. To move on. You'll lay your hand on my shoulder and I'll calm down, letting you take charge and lead the way always close by to make sure you were safe. But I couldn't do any of those things so I killed. I avenged you but it didn't bring you back. They say revenge is sweet. Far from it. Revenge is what you do when your heart is dying and you have nothing else to do. It is a desperate act from a desperate man. When the others finally found us it was too late. Too late for you, too late for them and too late for me. They saw a man, beaten and bruised, holding a dying star in his arms. You were that star, my friend. You were my star.
Part 3
What am I to do without you? Bodies heal but hearts do not. You were everything to me yet I never told you. In my mind and my heart you was and always will be my mate, my love. But I never told you that. I never even tasted the sweetness of your lips, felt the warmth of your body or the beauty of your love. What am I to do without you? Where am I to go? God damn it, why did you have to leave me behind? There were so many words left unspoken, so many lies left unbroken. Why did we play a losing game? Why didn't I say something? Why didn't you? Everything falls and now I see that even dreams don't last forever. And I had so many dreams. Dreams for you and me. Dreams of love and dreams of happiness. I guess that was not to be. Why is that? Why? You hurt and I hurt, why couldn't we find comfort in each other's arms? Why didn't I open up to you? Why didn't you open up to me? You talked but your words often hid the truth. Like those marks I saw on your back. Those scars. You said it had happened a long time ago and that it was not important. But it was important to me. The scars on your arms...I knew they were fresh, new. That hadn't happened a long time ago. I could have helped you get through it. I could have tried. You lied and I let you. You hurt and I let me. You left and I let you.
I remember one night long ago. I had had a nightmare and you had come in and woke me up. You must have sensed my embarrassment over you seeing me that vulnerable because you sat by my bedside in the dark and took my hand in yours. I still remember the feel of your warm hand in mine. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can even smell you, sense you, even now. You took my hand and said that you too had nightmares. Nightmares of your past. Nightmares of pain. You didn't specify and neither did I. I reached for you but you drew back. You said why, you wanted more than a one-night stand. I never said that it would never have been like that for me and you didn't ask. You just left and let me alone in the cold and I let you alone in the darkness.
You hurt the ones you love they say and I believe them. You never said insults back at me even when I was at the meanest. But I smelled the change in you. I felt the hurt. I wanted to stop, to tell you I didn't mean it but couldn't. I hurt and so I made you hurt. I needed you and you had left. That was all I had thought of. I didn't stop to realise that you might need me too. That you hurt too. They say you were the blind one but I was the one who couldn't see.
Part 4
I stand in the rain and I stand alone. The sun has set and the red colour reminded me of you. When the first stars shone they reminded me of you. You lie at a hilltop, beneath a weeping willow and can see all over the valley. The sunrise and sunset, which covers the land in red, will be beautiful from up here. I bent down and read the inscription given you beneath your name;
A
man who fought for Justice and Freedom
A hero in the true sense of
the word
That is true, my friend, my mate, but they forgot; you were the holder of the dream and the holder of my heart. Dreams don't die and neither do heroes. Or so they say. But tonight I have seen both be put in the ground. I make a claw come forth and into the stone I write;
Even
dreams die
But love never does
I don't know why I wrote that. I guess I wanted to say the words that I had kept hidden for so long. I love you. Those tree small words can hold up a world...or break it down. So now I say it, now I whisper to the wind;
"I love you. Always have. Always will."
Stillness is my only answer as raindrops fall like tears from the sky and night turns to day. As the first rays of the sun reach me, a single tear runs down my face and glimmers in the light.
The End