I do NOT own Bonanza or any of the original Cartwright characters. I'm not doing this story in scenes. It didn't come to me that way.
"I Remember I Remember" (29 Sep 1828)
Written by
THOMAS HOOD
composed by
C. Meineke.
[Christopher Meineke (1782-1850]) (I have only used the 2nd verse).
Acceptance
Chapter One
Adam sat in front of the fire place watching the flames dance around. Ben sat at the table hoping Tara would arrive soon. For the most part, she was still the one who seemed to be able to get through to Adam on his 'dark days', especially if he'd had a nightmare. Not knowing about her days in a mental institution, Ben could only wonder at the connection Tara and Adam had. He wasn't about to argue though, that connection had saved his oldest son, still was at times. When a knock came at the door, Ben got up from his chair and hurried to answer it.
"Come on in, Tar…" Ben stopped mid-sentence and stared; he couldn't help it.
Tara chuckled and said, "Be careful of what you let you friends wash your hair with. I should be grateful all that happened was my hair turned blonde." Ben chuckled and let her in. He pointed towards Adam and sighed. His eyes said 'He won't talk to me.' Out loud he simply said, as he walked out the door, "I have work to do outside."
Tara made her way over to the couch and sat down next to Adam. She joined him in watching the flames. She knew full well there was no pushing Adam to talk before he was ready. Sure enough, a good fifteen minutes passed by before he turned his head, "Pa send for you?" The question sounded more like a statement that anything.
Tara nodded and sighed, "He's worried about you and quite frankly, so am I. What is going on?" She laid her hand upon the top of his. Adam looked at her hand, and then back to the fireplace as he said, "I don't know. I honestly don't know. I haven't been sleeping well and I can't seem to relax. It doesn't make any sense to me." It did to Tara.
"You still dream about Caine don't you?" she knew the answer, but asked it anyway.
Adam didn't want to admit that; after all, hadn't he'd put all that behind him? Slowly, he nodded his head as he finally said, "Yes, at least once a week it seems. Well, sometimes I see his face. Sometimes, I'm just running. Pa says at least I let him or one of my brothers near me. None of us want to have to ask you to move in again." He turned his head to look at Tara, "Why do I still dream about that beast so much? When does it stop?"
Tara wrapped her hand around his as she answered, "I can't tell you that; however," she paused long enough to turn his head toward her, "You just keep telling yourself it wasn't your fault and, if it helps, write the dreams down in a book. It's only been a few months since you come out from behind your wall Adam; it takes time and a lot of talking it out to really come to terms with things."
Adam had told himself that so many times it made his head spin. "I tell myself that over and over. On my good days, it's rather easy, but the days after I have 'those dreams', doesn't matter whether Peter Caine is in them or not, I fight myself fighting to keep from slipping behind that wall again."
Tara nodded knowingly, "It's not easy, is it? Especially since the last thing you want it is for you, or your family, to 'be put through that again'." She slid her free arm around his back, "You're not alone, Adam. That's the important part, so many, too many, are." She knew; she'd seen them.
Adam relaxed as he felt the comfort of her arms, "To be honest with you," he turned his gazed to the fire once more, "It's not just that." Tara said nothing as she waited for him to speak. She wasn't surpised by what he had to say.
"Hoss and I were supposed to go to Carson City last week," Adam sighed and shook his head, "We didn't even get a mile out of Virginia City and I found my heart racing, I could hardly breathe, and poor Hoss thought for sure I was losing it again. As it was, we had to come back and Little Joe had to go with him." Adam rubbed his forehead, "I'm thirty years old and I felt like a two year old child afraid of his own shadow!" The frustration he felt was in is his voice.
Tara found herself pulling him close without thinking, but he did not fight her. She ran her hand through his hair and whispered, "It was your first attempt at leaving a place your mind is saying you are 'safe', even though we both know there is no totally 'safe' place in this world. You were bound to have an attack of that kind sooner or later. Remember? We talked about it before."
They had; he and she had spent more than one hour, one evening, doing just that. Adam sighed, "I know, guess I wanted to believe I was different."
Tara started chuckling as she remembered feeling the same way. She whispered, "You are different, Adam. Different than any other man I've ever met." Without thinking she started singing softly.
I remember, I remember
The roses, red and white,
The vi'lets and the lilly cups,
Those flowers made of light!
The lilacks where the robin built,
And where my brother set
The liburnum on his birthday,–
The tree is living yet!
The liburnum on his birthday,–
The tree is living yet!