It was dark and it took Lisbon a moment to realise that she was alone. The bed beside her was cold; wherever he went, he'd left a while ago. For a short moment, just the fraction of a second, she thought he'd left her; disappeared once again, but then she saw his suit jacket on the chair where he left it every evening.
She took a shaky breath and tried to calm down. Her heart beat almost painfully in her chest. It wouldn't have been that out of the question, or wouldn't it?
They hadn't talked about it, not really. But she had seen the guilt in his eyes, felt it in the way he touched her, loved her.
She should have said something, but she'd been too shaken herself. She'd almost lost him that day, she'd almost died and she'd failed to save an innocent man. It just had been too much. All she had needed was him; telling her that everything was ok, that they were fine, that there had been nothing she could have done to save that man. She wanted to believe him and in the end she kind of had. Or at least she managed to forget it, to forget everything as long as he was with her.
Lisbon threw back the blanket and got up.
He hadn't turned on the lights and it took her a moment until her eyes got used to the faint gleam the moon cast into their living room. She almost didn't see him at first. He was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall.
"Jane?"
He looked up at her and she could see the tears even from afar. His whole body was shaking; Lisbon had never seen him like that and it broke her heart.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you. I just couldn't sleep."
His voice was hoarse, but he still tried to pretend that everything was ok, as if he'd only stepped out to get a glass of water. This wouldn't do.
"Jane", she said again, kneeling down beside him. He didn't take his eyes of her, tears still falling.
She traced them with her fingers and he finally closed his eyes at her touch, surrendering to her.
"It's ok", she whispered, repeating her words from the day before and pulled him close, cradling his head against her.
"It wasn't your fault, Jane."
He hold on to her tightly, almost painfully tightly and she could feel him shaking his head.
"I could have killed you", he hardly managed to speak, his voice failing him.
"You saved me, if not for you I wouldn't be here now."
A shiver run through him and Lisbon silently cursed herself; she shouldn't remind him how close it had been.
"This is my job, Jane. I did what I had to do. It was a good plan, no one could have known what a man Cole was, not even you! You said that yourself, don't you remember?"
She used the same arguments as he had just a few hours ago, when he'd tried to convince her that she wasn't responsible for that man's death.
He didn't say a word, but Lisbon could literally still feel the guilt surrounding him. For once it wasn't hard to imagine what went through his head.
"Don't even dare to think that, Patrick Jane."
She told him firmly, unable to hold back her own tears any longer.
"I need you! I'd rather be with you and even if it only had been for a short time, than having to live a lie."
He looked at her. "You're not supposed to read me that easily", he muttered and Lisbon even managed to smile at him through her tears.
"That's the problem, Jane. Lower your guard once and there's no way keeping me out ever again."
She framed his face with her hands.
"Let me say this one last time. It wasn't your fault. I'm a cop, I knew the risks."
She felt his fingers on her cheek, gently brushing her tears away. She saw the unspoken question in his eyes and selfishly hoped that he wouldn't ask her. She knew the truth. He hated her job, he hated it that she put herself in danger, again and again. They would need to talk about this; at some point. But not that night, not after everything they went through the day before.
Jane seemed to feel the same.
"I love you", he whispered instead and kissed her.
"I love you too", she replied against his lips. He'd stopped shaking; for now. Lisbon knew that she didn't manage do convince him; not entirely. The guilt was still there, the same way she hadn't forgiven herself the death of the man at the gas station.
She climbed onto his lap, kissing him until there was nothing else on her mind; or his' than to live that moment.
It wasn't that easy to forgive yourself, but they would get there at some point; together. In the end that was the only thing that mattered, that he was here with her, that they were in this together.