The Tale of the Disoriented Narrator
By The Cinnamon Chaos
Disclaimer: Ownership is dangerous and should not be taken with Kaopectate and if you have no ownership then you cannot be stolen from and you can steal from others but not own what you steal because you stole it.
This story has a strange flavor to it. I was feeling quite strange when I wrote it. I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. I don't think I was. Hope you enjoy but I'll understand if you don't. I'll also understand if you don't understand because even if you understand then I'll understand but if you don't understand then I'll still understand so it will be somewhat understood. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon the New York Times, I bashed myself silly with a fossilized piece of tree bark. I became horribly confused, so I delt with my emotional constipation in the only way I knew how. I got drunk. It was fun. I can't see and my underwear is three sizes too small. I think I'm wearing a bra. Then I started muttering my story.
"All of AVALANCHE got together for a reunion in Costa del Sol. Yuffie didn't like this because a woman named Dell kept stealing everyone's shoes. When they got to Cloud's house they were in heaven because Clouds live in heaven but this Cloud lives on Earth so no one cares. I'm drunk. Hmm, give me another beer.
"Everyone showed up, even Aeris. She was pale, her eyes were glazed over, she didn't move, and there was a big bloody hole in her stomach. No one said anything because they didn't want to embarrass Aeris, but they thought it was because she was dead. Wait! Hmm, Aeris is an Ancient. Okay! Aeris is sitting in a rocking chair. She has wrinkles and white hair, and she's doing crosspoint. Oh wait! Aeris is dead you say. Oh okay. Aeris died. Sephiroth ran into the room but then he realized he was dead so he died. YAY! Wait! Okay. Hmm..... I'm thirsty.
"Cloud wanted to talk but he was a billowing white mass constructed of hydrogen particles so he started floating and fell. He began raining. No one cares.
"Everyone was wondering why they were there, what would happen next, and what the meaning of life was, when they suddenly realized that they didn't care.
"The Turks bust into the room wearing Turkish kilts and playing bagpipes. They didn't know why they were there so they left.
"Vincent Valentine turned into a giant red heart and began sending love letters to everyone in the form of paper airplanes. Then he sucked their blood and they caught on fire. No one noticed.
"Barret was staring at the strange metal shaft that used to be his arm. He was curious and he wanted to know what it was, so he stared down inside of it. When he did this, he accidentally blew his head off.
"Yuffie started dancing.
"Red XIII wanted his name to have meaning so he created twelve clones. They all combusted and Red XIII laughed his red hairy ass off. Then he died. No one noticed.
"Cait Sith got his head stuck in a microphone. Cid Highwind got his head stuck in a microwave. Problems occurred.
"GAWD DAMMIT CAN I GET A FUGGIN' DRINK!"
I fall off my chair.
"Tifa put a lock on her heart and hence pierced the artery that supplied blood to her brain. She quit thinking.
"Things happened.
"Vincent stepped on a spare bagpipe the Turks had left behind. A love letter flew out of his hand, sped towards Cid, and cut Cid's head off. Cid's head flew through the air and landed on Barret's bloody neck. Tifa did a Tarot reading and one of her candles caught the Barret/Cid on fire. Yuffie danced into Tifa's crystal ball and kicked it, breaking her toe. The crystal ball soared through the air and into dead Red XIII's wide open mouth. It broke out all his teeth and he swallowed it, even though he was dead. Red XIII became dyslexic, even though he was dead. His teeth flew through the air and into Cloud's eyes. Cloud began blindly swinging his sword in frustration. During this process, he cut off Yuffie's head. Yuffie's head soared straight up Tifa's nose. Tifa's new shamanic powers caused Aeris to come back to the life. Aeris began hitting on the now blind Cloud. Tifa became enraged. Yuffie's head came barrelling out of Tifa's nose, aimed straight for Aeris's head. The Barret/Cid began imitating Billy Holiday. Then everyone finally realized they were on fire. Cait Sith farted. Everything exploded."
With my story finished, I am very relieved, and I have a .5 alchohol concentration level in my blood.
Some one from my audience shouts out: "What the hell's the point?"
I begin laughing and a giant freeze ray hits us and everyone dies. Then I realized I was dreaming.
I woke up and stepped out of the refridgerator. Brr. It's cold in there. But it should be cold because if it were warm then it wouldn't be cold, and if it wasn't cold then it would be warm, and if it was warm then all of the food would spoil, but that would not happen if it was cold, so it should be cold, not warm, because warm is not cold and cold is good and warm is bad, for food I mean, so that's how it goes because if it didn't go that way then it would go some other way that would not be the right way so it should go that way and not its own way because if it went its own way then that would not be the right way either and then everyone would go their own way and none of the ways would be right because they would all be wrong and then all the ways would be bad, not good, and if it were not good then it would be bad so it should be good, because if things aren't good then they are bad, and bad things happen to people because people do not happen to bad things, because that would make no sense so it would be senseless, just like this story, and if this story is senseless than so am I, and if we weren't senseless then we would make sense but we do not, because we do not make sense. And so you see, this refridgerator and I have lots in common.
The End!!!
Disclaimer: Ownership is dangerous and should not be taken with Kaopectate and if you have no ownership then you cannot be stolen from and you can steal from others but not own what you steal because you stole it.
This story has a strange flavor to it. I was feeling quite strange when I wrote it. I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. I don't think I was. Hope you enjoy but I'll understand if you don't. I'll also understand if you don't understand because even if you understand then I'll understand but if you don't understand then I'll still understand so it will be somewhat understood. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon the New York Times, I bashed myself silly with a fossilized piece of tree bark. I became horribly confused, so I delt with my emotional constipation in the only way I knew how. I got drunk. It was fun. I can't see and my underwear is three sizes too small. I think I'm wearing a bra. Then I started muttering my story.
"All of AVALANCHE got together for a reunion in Costa del Sol. Yuffie didn't like this because a woman named Dell kept stealing everyone's shoes. When they got to Cloud's house they were in heaven because Clouds live in heaven but this Cloud lives on Earth so no one cares. I'm drunk. Hmm, give me another beer.
"Everyone showed up, even Aeris. She was pale, her eyes were glazed over, she didn't move, and there was a big bloody hole in her stomach. No one said anything because they didn't want to embarrass Aeris, but they thought it was because she was dead. Wait! Hmm, Aeris is an Ancient. Okay! Aeris is sitting in a rocking chair. She has wrinkles and white hair, and she's doing crosspoint. Oh wait! Aeris is dead you say. Oh okay. Aeris died. Sephiroth ran into the room but then he realized he was dead so he died. YAY! Wait! Okay. Hmm..... I'm thirsty.
"Cloud wanted to talk but he was a billowing white mass constructed of hydrogen particles so he started floating and fell. He began raining. No one cares.
"Everyone was wondering why they were there, what would happen next, and what the meaning of life was, when they suddenly realized that they didn't care.
"The Turks bust into the room wearing Turkish kilts and playing bagpipes. They didn't know why they were there so they left.
"Vincent Valentine turned into a giant red heart and began sending love letters to everyone in the form of paper airplanes. Then he sucked their blood and they caught on fire. No one noticed.
"Barret was staring at the strange metal shaft that used to be his arm. He was curious and he wanted to know what it was, so he stared down inside of it. When he did this, he accidentally blew his head off.
"Yuffie started dancing.
"Red XIII wanted his name to have meaning so he created twelve clones. They all combusted and Red XIII laughed his red hairy ass off. Then he died. No one noticed.
"Cait Sith got his head stuck in a microphone. Cid Highwind got his head stuck in a microwave. Problems occurred.
"GAWD DAMMIT CAN I GET A FUGGIN' DRINK!"
I fall off my chair.
"Tifa put a lock on her heart and hence pierced the artery that supplied blood to her brain. She quit thinking.
"Things happened.
"Vincent stepped on a spare bagpipe the Turks had left behind. A love letter flew out of his hand, sped towards Cid, and cut Cid's head off. Cid's head flew through the air and landed on Barret's bloody neck. Tifa did a Tarot reading and one of her candles caught the Barret/Cid on fire. Yuffie danced into Tifa's crystal ball and kicked it, breaking her toe. The crystal ball soared through the air and into dead Red XIII's wide open mouth. It broke out all his teeth and he swallowed it, even though he was dead. Red XIII became dyslexic, even though he was dead. His teeth flew through the air and into Cloud's eyes. Cloud began blindly swinging his sword in frustration. During this process, he cut off Yuffie's head. Yuffie's head soared straight up Tifa's nose. Tifa's new shamanic powers caused Aeris to come back to the life. Aeris began hitting on the now blind Cloud. Tifa became enraged. Yuffie's head came barrelling out of Tifa's nose, aimed straight for Aeris's head. The Barret/Cid began imitating Billy Holiday. Then everyone finally realized they were on fire. Cait Sith farted. Everything exploded."
With my story finished, I am very relieved, and I have a .5 alchohol concentration level in my blood.
Some one from my audience shouts out: "What the hell's the point?"
I begin laughing and a giant freeze ray hits us and everyone dies. Then I realized I was dreaming.
I woke up and stepped out of the refridgerator. Brr. It's cold in there. But it should be cold because if it were warm then it wouldn't be cold, and if it wasn't cold then it would be warm, and if it was warm then all of the food would spoil, but that would not happen if it was cold, so it should be cold, not warm, because warm is not cold and cold is good and warm is bad, for food I mean, so that's how it goes because if it didn't go that way then it would go some other way that would not be the right way so it should go that way and not its own way because if it went its own way then that would not be the right way either and then everyone would go their own way and none of the ways would be right because they would all be wrong and then all the ways would be bad, not good, and if it were not good then it would be bad so it should be good, because if things aren't good then they are bad, and bad things happen to people because people do not happen to bad things, because that would make no sense so it would be senseless, just like this story, and if this story is senseless than so am I, and if we weren't senseless then we would make sense but we do not, because we do not make sense. And so you see, this refridgerator and I have lots in common.
The End!!!