Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Confessional
Author: Cassandra Mulder
E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel
Spoilers: End of season 1, most of season 2. But minor for the most part.
Written: August 29, 2001
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!
Summary: Cordelia finally admits something to herself in her diary.
Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.
Author's Notes: Cordelia started yapping in my head. I decided to make a diary series out of it. Hopefully there's more to come. But that's purely up to Cordy. ;) hehe I guess you can blame this a bit on the fact that I just finished reading "The Princess Diaries", but oh well.
Thanks to Suzi for the beta on this!
***********************************************************************
Oh man, if my life isn't crazy, I don't know whose is. Really. Who else can say they're a special Seer for a really attractive two hundred and forty-seven year old vampire? That's my job description. I can't exactly remember what I tell people when they ask me what I do, but then I don't see many people, or, uh, beings, anymore who *don't* know what I do. That might have something to do with not remembering what I tell normal people. Normal people. Do they exist anymore?
sigh.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Sometimes nothing phases me for a second, and then other times I'm lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling (on those rare occasions that I can go home and sleep) wondering just how I ever ran into the aforementioned vampire in this ginormous city.
Angel.
Out of all the people in the city of Los Angeles, I turn around and see him. What was up with that? The Blonde One's ex, for crying out loud! What are the chances? It's just been one adventure after the other since then. Right.
Lemme see, demon goo, nearly being killed by demons, zombies, vampires, Angel wiggin' over that stupid Darla, Wesley nearly dying, me going crazy, me having mind-blowing, debilitating, icky visions, me getting sucked through portals into strange worlds where they don't have vowels, and not in that particular order. I was a princess in the latter - but nevermind.
Through all of that, I am still devoted to staying with Angel. Am I an idiot? Crazy at least, I have to be crazy. I told him I'd be with him till his Shanshu or whatever. But I could die before that ever happens. And I don't mean at the hands of a demon or a vampire, I mean of old age.
What the hell did I promise him? It's not that I didn't mean it, and it's not that I don't want to. But let's face it, as shallow as I'm not anymore, I still might like to have a social life. A - Geez, just a life! But how am I supposed to plan that around the Broody One?
How am I supposed to deal with the fact that maybe I don't want to?
Oh God, Cordelia, there you go again. Your little world just revolves around him, doesn't it? You should at least admit it, just so your life's not a total lie.
Why am I talking to myself?!
I love him. Okay? There, I said it. Not that you can help loving someone you're with practically 24/7, who's kind, and cares about what happens to you, and will stand up for you even when you think you can take care of yourself. Which most of the time you can't. I mean, I love Wes and Gunn, too, but definitely not the way I love Angel.
Confusing much?
This is not happening. It can't be. I can't let it. Now I'll start acting all freaky around him, and things will get really weird, and he'll wanna know why things are weird. And if he found out... Oh God, he cannot find out!
What have I done? Why didn't I just go on letting it be that little feeling that hovered in the back of my brain, but I never really noticed?
I can handle this. I have to. I mean, it's not like it's an I-wanna-rip-his-clothes-off kinda thing. Okay, maybe sometimes it is. But most of the time it's just love, just like always. Except I'd like to be able to kiss him, and hold him...
Stop torturing yourself like this. Just stop it now. It's not possible. That stupid freakin' curse makes it impossible. If I could ever even make him happy. Which would *not* be a good thing in the first place.
What am I going to do?!
End
Author: Cassandra Mulder
E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel
Spoilers: End of season 1, most of season 2. But minor for the most part.
Written: August 29, 2001
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!
Summary: Cordelia finally admits something to herself in her diary.
Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.
Author's Notes: Cordelia started yapping in my head. I decided to make a diary series out of it. Hopefully there's more to come. But that's purely up to Cordy. ;) hehe I guess you can blame this a bit on the fact that I just finished reading "The Princess Diaries", but oh well.
Thanks to Suzi for the beta on this!
***********************************************************************
Oh man, if my life isn't crazy, I don't know whose is. Really. Who else can say they're a special Seer for a really attractive two hundred and forty-seven year old vampire? That's my job description. I can't exactly remember what I tell people when they ask me what I do, but then I don't see many people, or, uh, beings, anymore who *don't* know what I do. That might have something to do with not remembering what I tell normal people. Normal people. Do they exist anymore?
sigh.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Sometimes nothing phases me for a second, and then other times I'm lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling (on those rare occasions that I can go home and sleep) wondering just how I ever ran into the aforementioned vampire in this ginormous city.
Angel.
Out of all the people in the city of Los Angeles, I turn around and see him. What was up with that? The Blonde One's ex, for crying out loud! What are the chances? It's just been one adventure after the other since then. Right.
Lemme see, demon goo, nearly being killed by demons, zombies, vampires, Angel wiggin' over that stupid Darla, Wesley nearly dying, me going crazy, me having mind-blowing, debilitating, icky visions, me getting sucked through portals into strange worlds where they don't have vowels, and not in that particular order. I was a princess in the latter - but nevermind.
Through all of that, I am still devoted to staying with Angel. Am I an idiot? Crazy at least, I have to be crazy. I told him I'd be with him till his Shanshu or whatever. But I could die before that ever happens. And I don't mean at the hands of a demon or a vampire, I mean of old age.
What the hell did I promise him? It's not that I didn't mean it, and it's not that I don't want to. But let's face it, as shallow as I'm not anymore, I still might like to have a social life. A - Geez, just a life! But how am I supposed to plan that around the Broody One?
How am I supposed to deal with the fact that maybe I don't want to?
Oh God, Cordelia, there you go again. Your little world just revolves around him, doesn't it? You should at least admit it, just so your life's not a total lie.
Why am I talking to myself?!
I love him. Okay? There, I said it. Not that you can help loving someone you're with practically 24/7, who's kind, and cares about what happens to you, and will stand up for you even when you think you can take care of yourself. Which most of the time you can't. I mean, I love Wes and Gunn, too, but definitely not the way I love Angel.
Confusing much?
This is not happening. It can't be. I can't let it. Now I'll start acting all freaky around him, and things will get really weird, and he'll wanna know why things are weird. And if he found out... Oh God, he cannot find out!
What have I done? Why didn't I just go on letting it be that little feeling that hovered in the back of my brain, but I never really noticed?
I can handle this. I have to. I mean, it's not like it's an I-wanna-rip-his-clothes-off kinda thing. Okay, maybe sometimes it is. But most of the time it's just love, just like always. Except I'd like to be able to kiss him, and hold him...
Stop torturing yourself like this. Just stop it now. It's not possible. That stupid freakin' curse makes it impossible. If I could ever even make him happy. Which would *not* be a good thing in the first place.
What am I going to do?!
End