I left the choir room with my soul feeling empty, my heart sad, and my mind hazy.
I understood things better than most people gave me credit for. Santana's words were like a constant echo ringing through my ears.
"You know this isn't working..."
Things weren't working because we weren't communicating. We were always able to communicate before. I can't pinpoint when things had changed.
All I knew was that I hated your stupid college. It stole you away from me. I needed my loving, supportive, mean-spirited girlfriend.
I missed you.
Things weren't the same. They hadn't been since you left.
Yet, I thought the love we shared would have been enough for us to persevere and push through the rough patches in our relationship.
I approached my locker and stared absentmindedly at it. I couldn't even remember my damn combination.
I felt tears starting to accumulate again. I couldn't handle this. It was all too much for me.
"Hey, Britt, are you okay?" someone asked me.
"Do I look like I am okay? Please just leave me alone. I just want everyone to leave me alone!"
I ran so fast out of McKinley High. I never wanted to look back. That choir room would be tainted for me from now on. Tainted with memories of what once was a love so pure and delicate.
I watched from inside the choir room as Brittany faded into the crowd of students passing in the hallway.
She looked lost and dejected. I had done that. I had killed the one thing she still had hope in…US.
I hated seeing Brittany cry. It was the worst thing to witness. What killed me more was the fact that she was crying because of me.
Breaking up with the one and only love of my life was something I had never in a million years imagined I would do.
I didn't want anyone else, just my sweet, innocent, beautiful Brittany.
Our relationship was crumbling, though. She was right, I had left her behind. I left her in more ways than one.
I was too busy trying to figure out my future that I let hers disappear into a pit of doom.
I should have helped her. I should have realized things weren't okay when she told me that they were.
Should have…but, it's too late now.
The distance between us is hurting too much. I tried to consume myself in things so I didn't have to think about how much I missed her. I tried to focus on cheer practice or my studies. Yet, all this time, I didn't comprehend how that all looked from Brittany's point of view.
I left her, high and dry. She was so lonely, as it was, and I just added to her misery.
I wasn't being fair to her and I realized that now. She deserved better.
I watched Brittany at her locker. I saw her lose all of her resolve and run out of the building with tears pouring down her face.
My heart literally stopped. I had to go after her. I promised myself I would ALWAYS look after her.
I was a few feet away from my car when I felt my insides turning. I knew I was going to be sick.
I leaned over and watched the bile rise from my throat and pour out of me onto the pavement.
I was sick to my stomach.
How could she do this to me? I needed her. We needed each other.
How could she even look at another girl? I felt more bile rise inside my throat and I leaned over and retched again.
The tears were flowing freely now and I felt my balance starting to waver. I was going to pass out.
I was just about to hit the ground when small, strong arms slid around my waist.
"Brit Brit…let's get you home. Come on."
It was Santana. She was here at my side.
Santana helped me into the passenger seat of my car, buckled me in, and closed my door. She opened the driver side door and slid into the seat. Santana searched inside my bag for my keys and, when she finally found them, started the car and drove towards my house.
I felt like I was in an alternative universe. I didn't feel like myself. All too soon I felt myself start to cry more tears.
"Shh…breathe, baby," Santana said wiping the hair away from my eyes.
"I can't," I whispered. "It's too hard."
"Well, you need to breathe…for me."
"What's the point? We're not together anymore. What happened to us?"
"Life happened, Brittany."
"But…you are my life, Santana. Aren't I yours?"
"You know you are, baby."
I don't know when it happened but Santana was crying now, too.
We were both a mess.
The minute I saw her get sick I knew she needed me. She would always need me.
Why was I so stupid? What possessed me to hurt this sweet girl, my girl?
I had to fix this. I had to fix it now.
When we finally made it to her house, I helped her out of the car. Her entire body was shaking. Was it possible that I had made her this physically sick? I didn't even want to fathom the answer to that question.
The house was quiet. No one was home. I helped Brittany up to her bedroom.
"Let's get you out of this shirt, okay?"
She nodded her agreement, sat down on her bed, and put her arms up.
I lifted her shirt over her head and disposed of it in her hamper.
When I walked back over to her she was covering her body with her hands like she was disgusted with herself.
"Am I not pretty enough for you anymore?"
"WHAT? How can you think that, Brittany?"
"How can I think that? You are looking at other girls. You're smiling at them. What do they have that I don't anymore. Tell me!"
I leaned down in front of her. "Brittany, listen to me, it was just a stupid, stupid lapse in judgment. She wasn't even that pretty."
"Still hurts."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I cried out my head falling into her lap.
I felt her fingers come up and run through my hair. She leaned her head against mine.
"How did we let things get like this, Santana?"
"I don't know…I really don't know."
"Can we cuddle?" I asked.
"Please?" Santana inquired looking straight into my eyes.
I searched for her hand and pulled her up onto the bed with me. We settled down against the pillows and stared forlornly into each other's eyes.
"What are we going to do, Santana?"
"I don't know. I don't like how we left things, though. I'm so stupid for making you hurt so much."
"No, I'm stupid. I couldn't even graduate high school. We would be together right now, happy, and making a life for ourselves."
"No, baby. Don't think like that," she said grabbing my hand in hers.
"It's the truth."
"I think, in a sense, we are both to blame."
"I don't want to lose you, Santana. I can't."
"You will never, ever lose me."
"I love you so much!" I said, moving closer to her.
"I love you, too, Brit."
We laid there for awhile; content to just hold each other.
"I don't want this to be over. I can't live without you."
"I know, I can't live without you either, Britt."
I heard her sigh. She was thinking about something. I needed her to be honest and open with me. I needed to know where we stood.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I don't want to go back…"
"To Louisville?"
"Yes, to Louisville. I want to go to New York."
I felt my heart start to beat loud again. She wanted to live her dream. She wanted to be farther away from me.
I think she felt my body tense because she hung onto me tighter than before.
"I want to make my dreams come true, Brittany. I want to find an apartment in the Big Apple. I want to write music and perform."
"I know."
"How do you feel about New York?"
"Why?" What was her reason for asking me this? I didn't know what she was hinting at.
"Well, I want you to come live there with me, when you graduate. I want us to start our life together."
"I want that so bad, Santana. I really do."
"So, let's make it happen then."
"I need to get my grades up. They still aren't good enough."
"That's why we need this. You need to be here and focus on school and your grades. I need to go to New York and get things started for us there. That way when you finally earn your diploma BOTH of our dreams can start coming true."
"I know. That sounds like a really good plan. I just don't want to miss you so bad like I do already."
"That was my fault, for missing our Skype dates and not calling you when I said I would. That is going to change. I am going to fix this."
"No, WE are going to fix this…together."
We had been lying down together for a few hours now. I never wanted to leave her again. Brittany was my home.
"Hey, Brit…"
"Hm?"
"I forgot to sing some of the lyrics earlier…to Mine."
"Which ones?"
Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine.
I sang it softly, from the depths of my heart and soul.
"We're going to make it last, right, Santana?"
"Of course we will, baby, after all, we have to prepare for all the days when we will take on the world together."
She smiled. Finally, she gave me a sincere, heartfelt smile.
I leaned in and kissed her. I would never get tired of feeling her lips on mine. It was everything it should be.
"I will always love you," she told me.
"Good, because I've never loved anyone else." I said.