It wasn't old age or a bullet through his chest. It wasn't a lucky punk with a lucky shot. It wasn't ninety long years and an ever-lasting dream. It was cancer. It was a deadly, incurable cancer - rotting his core and making him weak.
He stared at the black and white TV that kept on working after all these years. Same shows and movies. It got old real quick, but he didn't mind. As long as there was noise rather than silence, it was okay with him. The silence felt worse than the inevitable death – way worse.
A cup of black coffee was waiting for him but he was, once again, too tired to reach for it and drink it. Who would have guessed? Him, being too tired to drink coffee, the one liquid that kept him going all these years, besides the occasional glass of bourbon.
He chuckled silently.
It was pathetic to be shrunken into this stage. He used to be all over the world. Chasing bad guys, scolding them and making them pay for every heinous act they ever committed... He used to be someone - a father, son, agent and a mentor... Now, all he had were silence, occasional visitors and too much time to kill. He thought it was ironic. Back in the service, he prayed to live another minute. At work, time went by too fast to catch all the bad guys. And now, there was nothing but time, and it was horrible.
The doctors in the hospital gave him three years, tops. He looked at his soiled hands when he received the news. He had been repairing his car that had been making strange noises for two weeks. Then he got a phone call and dropped down to the hospital to hear the test result from the biopsy they had taken couple weeks ago. He didn't tell anyone where he had went or what he had heard.
Lung cancer.
And it was spreading, fast.
He had looked at his hands and then the doctor, asking were they absolutely sure and what was the survivor rate. The doctors had the look on their faces - that look of pity and sadness. He wasn't a fan of neither of them. Still, he took the news as any proud man would have, calmly and silently. He nodded a lot and pretended to understand all the treatments that they would offer and that he would refuse. They kept on insisting to at least try. He told them that the road he had chosen, would the one he'd stay on until the end.
The doctors were baffled. What a stubborn fool.
Now, he regretted that he didn't try. Three years went by too fast and it started to hurt when it was too late to get any real help. He didn't lose his health during chemotherapy, but by wishing for the best. His lungs felt like someone elses. His body was weak and thin, like paper. He hadn't carved wood in a long time. He wanted to built a boat but it was too late now.
He looked at the clock on the wall and sighed. It was time for medication, all of the ten different pills for another ten kinds of diseases. It seemed like the doctors were making them up. Depression, anxiety, blood pressure, pain killers...
Water, pill, swallow.
Water, pill, swallow.
Repeat eight times.
He sighed again. This was getting even more older than the TV. He hated the pills but most of all, he hated being like this. Alone, weak and fragile.
"Gibbs?" the door opened slowly.
He had to answer something or they would rush in to make sure he wasn't dead, that had happened three times already. It was always more embarrassing for them. Each time he had been on the toilet with his pants down in his ankles, yelling them to beat it. They would make excuses about being worried, he would just give them the glare and they'd shut up.
"I'm still breathing", he said.
It was Ziva.
She had cut her hair again. It was shorter now, definitely. She was beautiful as always, even with the pathetic excuse of a supporting smile on her face. She kept the door open for her husband.
Tony looked older but definitely not wiser. He was still the same clown he had always been. If it would have been for his wife, he might have never settled down or grown up. The changes he overcame with his wife made him a different man. He wasn't childish or reckless anymore, but more mature and thoughtful.
He had groceries with him. Something for his boss to eat if he was even hungry anymore. He placed them on the kitchen table before organizing them into the fridge.
Ziva reminded him not to put the bananas in the fridge since Gibbs hated it. Tony groaned and said that he remember that, even thought he quickly took the bananas from the fridge.
"So, how are you holding up?" she turned to her boss, still faking the smile she had been wearing since she entered his home. She sat on the couch that Gibbs had been sleeping his entire time in the house and still did. He refused to get a more comfortable bed. He said that the couch reminded him of better times and kept him down the earth when the docs stuffed him up with pain killers.
He looked at her plainly, "Brilliantly".
She didn't mind him being cranky and she chose to ignore the ridiculous amounts of sarcasm. She knew his pain and how humiliating it must felt for him to expose his weak spots to the ones closest to him, "We were in the neighborhood and thought to stop by".
Tony came back from the kitchen and sat next to his wife. They joined hands and looked happy. Gibbs felt like a dark cloud on their sunny sky. He thought he was allowed - he was the only one in the room currently dying, after all.
"What have you been doing?" Tony asked and stroked the ring on his wife's finger. It reminded Gibbs of Shannon and how he used to do the exact same thing. They used to be so happy. He was still bitter that life took her away from him, and their daughter too. He would have given his own life in a second to be able to see them again or let them life instead of him. He never had that choice. Someone else made the choice for him and killed them. His revenge wasn't a dish best served cold, it was vomit in his throat and tears in his eyes. He had long thought that he had already died once, with his daughter and wife and that had been more painful than the cancer he was suffering from now.
Gibbs remembered how he had visited their graves for the first time. It was like walking through hell. The pain was excruciating and unbearable. It drowned him in sorrow all over again. The sadness didn't come in waves, it was always there, in the back of his mind, telling him all over again that he was alone, that the only people that ever mattered were gone.
"Hey, are you listening?" Tony waved his hand in front of Gibbs, who realized that he was now sick and alone, bothered by two of his colleagues.
"Yeah, yeah".
"You didn't answer me", Tony reminded.
"What have I been doing, DiNozzo? Sitting on my ass, waiting for death", he said.
Tony swallowed the lump on his throat and tried to chuckle, "Funny, boss".
"Isn't it? You should try too, it's really fun", Gibbs mocked.
"That is enough", Ziva stopped them both and told Tony to go make some coffee.
He stood up and took a hold of Gibbs' cup. He noticed that it was still full of old and cold coffee. He looked at his boss and then the cup. It wasn't his words that got to him, not those cruel, horrible jokes of death but this, a cup of coffee. He grabbed it and took it to kitchen. He poured the old pale liquid down the drain. He was afraid that that would be Gibbs' fate too - him, being sucked down the drain while hanging onto dear life. But the stream would too strong and it would eventually swallow him.
Without making a sound, Tony brewed new coffee.
Ziva looked at her husband and then her boss, "Do you need anything? I know it is painfully hard for you to ask, but please do. We want to help you".
"Is Ducky coming anytime soon?"
"I do not know. Do you want me to tell him to come?"
"No, I... I just asked", he said and coughed.
Ziva patted his back. She didn't want to come here today. She wanted to stay home and just be happy. She wanted to ignore Gibbs' suffering and watch TV with her husband. She wanted to forget all about the cancer, but she couldn't and Tony wouldn't let her.
She couldn't ever forget the night Gibbs had told them. Tony wasn't there that night, but everyone else was. Abby cried like a child and refused to believe it. She had clanged on Gibbs' neck and sobbed against him. It was horrible. Ducky and Jimmy patted each others backs, like saying that they were there for each others. McGee collapsed to sit on his chair. He hid his face in his hands and prayed that this was a bad dream. It wasn't. Ziva just stood, completely still, looking at his boss and saw the changes in him that she had previously refused to see. The lines on his face, weight and hair loss. She saw it all, the truth in front of her and it made her cry. She couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheek. The worse part came that night when she had to tell Tony about it. Tony had made couple of jokes, thinking that what Ziva had told him was one. Slowly it got to him that someone extremely close to him was dying and there was nothing he could do about it. He cried through the night. Ziva held him and kept whispering that everything would be okay. She wanted to stay strong but eventually, she broke down too. She felt like she had been torn to pieces and the one person who held her at her weakest was now crying on her lap and another one was dying. She couldn't believe it.
But no matter how much she denied it, it was true.
"Gibbs", she said and smiled sadly, "What do you need?"
"Tell Duck to swing by soon", he said and shrugged, "That's all".
Ziva nodded.
Tony joined them with three cups of coffee. He handed Ziva hers but she placed it on the table and forgot all about it. His own he kept in his hands and the last one he gave to Gibbs. He took it into his trembling hands.
"So, did we tell you about our catastrophe at home?" Tony tried to make small talk. He wrapped his arm around Ziva's shoulders.
He started to tell Gibbs about how their utility room was soaking with water since their washing machine broke down. They had to mop up for two days. They finally got their new washing machine today. They were just headed from the store actually. Got the machine from sale too.
"You could have had mine", Gibbs suggested, "I don't need it anymore. They wash my clothes somewhere else".
Tony felt hopeless. Was there any topic of conversation that he wouldn't be able to turn into his misery? Was it wrong to want to tell him to shut up and live for the moment instead of loathing in misery? But could he tell that to someone who was suffering from cancer and especially someone who was so... Gibbs? There was always the fear that he'd smack the living life out of him, but when Tony looked at Gibbs' hands, he realized that the head slaps were pretty much history.
"Right", he rubbed his neck, "Well, we didn't think about that".
Gibbs didn't say anything. He lifted the cup of coffee on his lips. The liquid was too hot but he didn't care. A familiar burn of coffee was better source of pain than his rotting core. He closed his eyes and a smile took over the corner of his eyes and mouth. It was barely visible but it was a smile nevertheless.
Tony remembered that smile. He saw it when Ziva came back from Israel. They all thought she had left for good, until one day she dropped to the squad room. She looked sad and lost, like a little girl, left alone in a forest, crying for somebody to save her. She looked like a woman instead of an ex-Mossad assassin or an ex-NCIS agent. Ziva David stood in front of her colleagues and said that she was finally home. She had her luggage with her since she headed straight to Navy Yard from the airport. Abby who had come to upstairs with Jimmy and Ducky, stood completely still, staring at Ziva. Tony was the first one to make a move. He dropped his cellphone and the papers he was holding onto the floor and walked towards her. She dropped her luggage from her hands. Tony came to her, grabbed her face and kissed her. Everyone stared but they didn't care. She clang onto him and pressed her body against his. She had missed him so much, it was unbelievable. He had missed her too, so much that there were tears in his eyes. Having her in his arms made him feel whole again. She felt like she was where she belonged. Abby, Jimmy, Ducky and Tim ran to hug her after her sweet moment with Tony. Gibbs sat back on his chair and smiled. He felt like his daughter had come back home.
The same smile appeared on his face when Tony and Ziva finally got married. Gibbs had taken her hand in his and walked her to the aisle. She smiled the whole way. She was so happy and so was he. Gibbs had never looked prouder. When he let her hand go, he kissed her forehead and told her how much he loved her. When Tony and Ziva said their vows, Gibbs held Abby's hand, no, he squeezed it to stop himself from crying. Abby kissed his cheek and smiled with tears in her eyes. The happiness was overwhelming and Tony wanted that time back more than ever.
It's been six years since that day. Gibbs wasn't yelling at them in the squad room anymore. He hadn't been at work since year and a half ago. He was first replaced by agent Crimson. He was a pain in the ass for following every single rule he could find. He was stuck up and mean when it came to his team. After two complaints, (and something that suspiciously looked and felt like a nervous breakdown,) he finally decided to quit. His role as a team leader was passed to Tony. He accepted it gladly, announcing that he would follow the footsteps of one and only L.J. Gibbs. His new team had clapped their hands and his wife had kissed him.
"Oh damn", Ziva gazed at her watch, "We have to go, Tony! The repair man will be at our house in half an hour!"
"I forgot about him!" Tony groaned and took Ziva's and his mug to the kitchen, quickly rinsed them and put them into shelf to dry up.
"You need anything?" Ziva asked from Gibbs. He shook his head and placed his cup of coffee on the table.
"Okay, we'll be going now," Tony said and took Ziva's hand in his, "Call us if you need something".
"Just go already, or you'll be late".
Tony and Ziva opened and then closed the front door. Silence fell like a depressive cloud over him. He sighed and leaned back on the couch.
The coffee got cold.
Hi, again y'all! I'm happy to announce that I've been writing a lot of NCIS again! It's great to freshen up a bit and just... write! This has few chapters in it too, so for once, no one-shots!
So anyways, here we have a new story again. I suffered two major writer blocks during the writing, but I got passed them, so I'm cool.
The point of this story are the inevitable things in life. I wanted to, for once, bring life to the characters that seem to get less attention (like Abby and Palmer, etc.). So there should be something from all of them! If I didn't forget someone, that is... If I did, please Gibbs-slap me ASAP.
And, to be honest, it was hard writing this fic. I felt like it tore my soul in two.
But I sincerely hope you guys enjoy it! Thank you already :)
- L